Confusion Hits Home - Entry 10

I sat there collecting my thoughts on the prayer mat. An hour passed and I realised I still needed to do my Witr.  I've been occupying myself so much, it's starting to show. Zeal is the most inefficient source of energy to run on. It always leads to failure.

Mon-Fri I fit in a total of 15 classes in addition to full time work, commitments and obligations. That's 5 tafsir classes, 5 tajweed lessons and 5 gym sessions. I don't sleep a great deal these days as you can imagine. 

I sat there thinking where do I go from here? All those road maps I planned out, all those refined ideas, where are they going? This is where it begins.

What if you had something to share with the world. Something that no young Muslim has done before. These brilliantly amazing ideas spinning out in all forms, shapes and sizes. Islamically you feel inclined to offer something just to bring you closer to Allah. As a human being you have something to offer the world. As a fellow engineer, a sparkling fresh entrepreneur. Which route do you take? Or more importantly, can I achieve all of these?

Is it wrong to keep all these things to yourself? A simple, humble life - It's a nice idea.

I'm stuck because I have nobody to speak to. Nobody that can offer me value. Some of your friends still find console games the most entertaining thing in the world. Some of your friends have confined themselves just to the masjid and lack the ability to bring their academic skills in line with their deen. Others that just like talking and not doing. Then there are those who you are unable to get through to because they have their own struggles. And so on.

I have a great deal of thoughts. I am severely unfulfilled. I can't help but feel what I'm doing right now just isn't enough. There's a number of things I can throw out there and identify what this lack of fulfilment is but there's so much more to it than that.

I can't do istikhara. I have nothing to do it on.

Here's a funny thought. If I'm finding it difficult to connect with my friends and my peers. This leaves my chances in finding an understanding and reassuring wife next to nada. Ha.

The quest has completely dried up. I no longer know how and where to look.

All this? It's going to be a really difficult one. I've never been to this place before. I'm just totally, unquestionably, categorically and absolutely unsure.

Severely un-ful-filled. I'd like to see you get out of this one.

Where Has The Decency Gone?

Shamelessness. The less of it you have the more like animals you become. - Nouman Ali Khan

The more you look at someone, staring at someone unlike a decent human being. You're looking at them like an animal. A piece of flesh, a piece of meat.

Here's the fabric of brotherhood, you don't let anyone in your pack become an animal. When you see them looking at a women from top to bottom you know what they're thinking of is far from decency. Hey, what if that was your mother? What if that was your sister?

Granted we're living in a society where some women don't have respect for themselves but you need to have some self-respect and some dignity. Because meat is being displayed doesn't make it an open invitation for you to become like an animal and feast on it.

In a society where ideals such as "Freedom", "You only live once, live it to the max" and not forgetting the classical "Do what you like as long as two people consent to it, what's the problem?" It leads to shamelessness and corruption within society. We only have to look around us to see this freedom is failing society. There are many great things about this society but shamelessness isn't one of them.

We've become so immune to this filth, we have families who can sit together and when this filth comes on the TV, whilst sitting with your father, your mother, your brother and your sister we say "it's only one bad scene, it'll pass." Where's the respect?

"Oh this sister looks fine.." *Clicks - Add to friends* You're destroying your shamelessness and your character. Just a heads up; yes, she's super hot! I ain't gonna deny it but the akhira is even hotter - Jus sayin'. Not only are you going to taking your self to fitna, you're dragging this sister with you. Where's the decency?

You know that sister with the camel hump hijaab and apple bottom jeans? Or the one with the khaleeji hijaab? Guess what, 100's if not 1000's of other guys have checked her out just as you're checking her out. Do you want to befriend her just as others have? Where is the haya?

We need to revive the level of shame or it will destroy our family life. You will not have a healthy marriage and you certainly won't raise good children.

The prophet (saw) in all his wisdom warned us of a time where women would appear to be wearing clothes but they would not be wearing clothes.

If you watch and listen to shamelessness you will become shamelessness. If your company is shamelessness they will lead you to shamelessness.

We need to fix up. You hear that SoulSeek? "Loud and clear." 

Fix up.

Why Men And Women Cannot Be Friends

 

The deen is clear cut in its stance on this. This hikmah from the qur'an in how and why is just truly profound.

Lets see what regular folks have gotta say.

Warning: Contains some lol'age.

Drop your thoughts below.

It's difficult Being Male

Allah (swt) made men and women differently and here's something women will never understand.

That women are of man's biggest weakness. Easily. It's something that's uncontrollable. It's doesn't matter if you're fat or fit. Young or old. Healthy or ill. Black or White. Short or Tall. Handsome or not so handsome. What culture you come from - Men all have the same weakness.

They will never understand because in many cases Allah (swt) has made women oblivious to how much it affects us. For example, lets take a look at the ayah that came commanding believing men and women to lower their gazes.

Woman "Oh okay, that's not so bad"
Man "Man, you don't understand.."
Woman "What? Don't you have the same eyes that we do? Don't we look through the same retina? Process the same information.. stimuli? What's the problem?"
Here's the problem. Women don't understand the power of this desire that Allah (swt) has put inside of us. It is the #1 of desires that was beautified for men. It is also the #1 fitna, the prophet (saw) feared for this ummah - Women.

You will just never get how difficult it is, You will never get how it's the one thing constantly going through our mind. It's the one thing we can't just stop regardless of how hard we try. It's hard because that's just how the son of Adam (as) was created, it's natural and a part of our fitrah.

It's damaging. Just like the need of food. Remember that time when you hadn't eaten in over a day? You felt malnourished, tired, unable to move and all you wanted to do was eat. The one thing on your was that image of a pizza slice being picked with melted cheese dripping from the slice and cheese crust. OMG YUM! (I shouldn't have typed that whilst fasting!)

Now apply that analogy to a young, fit Muslim man living in western society.

When you do the unhuman thing and withhold yourself from this need. And the one halal option shows no avail? A different kind of hard begins. I don't even know where to begin in explaining this one.
Whoever makes it to the other side chaste. You sir... go and check out one of the qualities of a believer in surah Al Mumininoon between ayah's 2 and 11. You just elevated your status insha'Allah in one of the greatest feats any man can face. Kudos to you.

I have a mental draft in the form of a book on this very issue. Some day, just some day..

It's hard being a man.

This Is Belief - Entry 8

It's Monday morning and I was sat here talking to the dude across me about creationism, etymology and the great theism debate.

It made me realise what it means to be a Muslim. To believe in tawheed and to have a set of values that no man has defined.

The affair of the believer is amazing in that it is always good for him and this is true only for a believer. If something joyful comes to him, he gives thanks and that it is good for him. If something harmful comes to him, he is patient and that is good for him. [Muslim]

I pray all those who aren't mu'mins get to try this out some day.

It's hard, it's crap and it's testing but this is the very fabric of belief. Time to soldier on SoulSeek. Time to soldier on fella.

Hope Responds - Entry 7

I woke up at 5:30am to close my fast and I'm met with this wonderful news in hope's response. Hope dived into a messy situation, leaving me stranded on the sidewalk in a difficult position to clean up. So, I laughed a little. Perhaps out of sheer confusion.

I strolled into work and I just squared up to the mirror and I had a look at myself, that look . . ah that look is the look of a very, very tired person.

Clearly he up there doesn't me to get married any time soon. 

That resolves that. Alhamdulillah.

Executing Hope - Entry 6

Mr P asked me again "should we find out if she's single?" I hesitated for a while and many thoughts came flooding through my head. It came down to the following, back then I felt she was the best for me and right now I feel the same. It scared me how I had defaulted to her over the others.

"Lets do this. I'm going to do istikhara and I'll give you a definitive answer."

I informed Mr P with my answer. Mr P spoke to his wife and his wife called around and managed to speak to her.

I heard she wasn't too pleased. Heck, I was expecting worse. But the important thing is.. she didn't say no.

I had no intention in speaking to her. Nah, that wasn't the way. I was going to find an opportunity to see her mother, her father and her. Rules are rules.

I spoke to my mother and she called her mother. She arranged for us to go and see them next week to congatulate them on their hajj.

I just got a call from a number I didn't recognise.

It was her. Deja vu.

A True Love Story - III

 

Ah man, another deeeeep love story - What a status to have! 

I had the pleasure of seeing and meeting Sheikh Zahir Mahmood twice last month. EPIC. That is all.

Knocking On Hope's Door - Entry 5

He quickly identified 10 areas in my life and he gave me examples on how I've always came out on the top.

"Everything you do, you don't just do it well. You excel and come out at the top but for some reason, you keep banging your head on this door" He pointed to this big box - MARRIAGE. "It isn't opening. Something is up and we have to figure it out."

"You can't just walk away not wanting to get married. It's completely natural to feel what you're feeling. We have to get you married. Before you can move onto this other big box. Right?"

"Going back to what you began with, you said that you made a mistake with a prospect. Lets talk about that."
And we did. "She had everything I was looking for but here's what happened" I said.

"Shall we find out if she's still single?"

Is this guy serious? Hold on, he is. Give him that look man, give him that look! Damn, he didn't even flinch. He is actually dead serious about this. 

"I'll give you 5 reasons of why this is a bad idea" I said.

Whenever you play a physical sport such as football; and you just cannot penetrate the first line of defence. That frustration drives you wild, you'll find ways to barge into them and resort to dirty tactics but as soon as they regain possession of the ball you stick your leg out in hopes you'll touch the ball.

Mr P was the defender and everything I said, he refuted so subtly without trying. He made me realise that what she did and how she was reacting wasn't her being a complete pain. She was responding how any hurt person would.

"Do istikhara again because all these questions I just asked you. I was testing the waters, you still feel she is the best for you based on these reasons. Is right of me to assume that?"

I hesitated. Just tell him how it is Soul, just tell him how it is. ~ "Yes."

Veiled Rejections - Entry 4

Families will reject you based on your family. With no bearings on you. Infact they may even like you.

It's jahil, it's not from Islam and it certainly is not fair.

But that's life.

Mr P brought me to the realisation that years of my failures have been because of that very reason. From Husna straight through to the journalist. I was so busy looking at myself I forgot to take a peek on the outside.

The Animal Kingdom - Entry 3

Rage, Reason (lack of), dominance and not forgetting the infamous.. kill or be killed.

For those of you within the UK, frozen planet has been airing. If you haven't already watched it: *Clicky*. It's epic beyond proportion. The creation Allah (swt) is just flawless. A master behind unfathomable design. What intrigued me more was the animals. They inspired my title.

For years I've noticed a reoccurring theme in tafsir class. "He's a kafir!" "He's a kafir and here's my evidence!"

These guys are no better than the opposition. What they're preparing is religious ammunition. What they're doing is wrong. There's no getting through to stubbornness.

Yesterday in tafsir, 14 bodies present. A room full of raging testosterone. The times weren't working for me. I'm finishing towards midnight and I start work very early hours in the morning.

The other guys come late because of Gym, football and busy playing on Call Of Duty/Playstation throughout the whole night. I put my case across. No one said a word bar this one brother. This brother is known to be stubborn, reams of arrogance and he's an unreasonable guy.

He made it an issue. He continued to make matters worse with his sarcastic tone. He made it personal.

I have a thing against bullies. The whole room was sat there watching it go back and forth.

He's facing Mufti saab not even battering an eye lid "We all have responsibilities, he's not the only one."

One other student spoke up "It's not about that, he's working and you're not. Gym is flexible and work isn't. Be realistic."

Incoherent, lack of reasoning and going up in rage and arms. Strike 2. Words with ill intent.

What was a simple issue of timing he took matters to a whole new level. This is how fist fights in masjid have begun.

Come a couple of years ago. Brother, you don't speak like that if you have no intent of seeing them through until the end. That's where I come from and that's how we deal with things. I spoke very few words.

A time wasn't agreed. All the other students looking on like a bunch of garden gnomes. Individuals at 16 stone unable to talk because they don't want to offend him. Speaking the truth does come at a price.

I was pulled up afterwards. "We all know he's in the wrong. No one says anything to him, remember what happened last time with xyz? I asked myself why you didn't do anything. I know you would have taught him a lesson physically and verbally."

"I controlled my anger."

"Soulseek, you're wise. You won."

I sit next to this guy and we study 5 times a week until we now finish the qur'an. The time that has been set will now affect my ability to study the qur'an, granted I've sacrificed the past 3 years to make this compromise for the sake of Allah. It will also affect my external obligations because brothers wish to amuse themselves. Alhamdulillah.

Shaytaan inside of me thrills for things like these. I'm not going to entertain it. Fullstop. Especially not for where I've booked my tickets to.

Jannah; Have you heard of this place?

Quiz Time!

One for the regulars...

I made a big mistake in letting one prospect go.

Who was this prospect? And why?

Last Night Was Magical - Entry 1

Mr P.

Mr P has always been one of my biggest inspirations in life. He achieved so much at such a young age. And his wisdom. He is what we would call gifted and blessed with an insight that only a small percentage in this world possesses.

I first met him when I was 12. Being street, I never quite got his big words nor experiences. But he was a cool dude. He always made an effort with me. It wasn't up until my mid and later teenage years I started to realise what kind of a man Mr P was. I have always had this respect for people use their strengths for good. What made him so different? Intellectually elevated. He has mountains of knowledge. Paired up with this Islamic nafsiyyah (disposition) and unparalleled wisdom. I believe he has abilities that not many men have. I love his humbleness, level of humility and his ability to understand, speak and relate to other people.

I saw him marry 9 years ago. I was 14. Since then his achievements have been profound. He learnt fusah Arabic with his wife. Both Pakistanis. They home schooled their 3 children who are most beautiful children I have come across. They all speak Arabic. His recitation and application of the qur'an. Just to name a few.

Mr P - He is truly one of a kind.

I had an epiphany this week. Some of the later entries will brief on this. It's been wild. I haven't been able to control myself whilst working. Random notes, emails, tafsir comments, ideas, plans and thoughts. Collated, and just all over the place. Just all these ideas, reams of thoughts. Just hanging around up here. Something had to happen.

I dropped Mr P a text on Monday. Monday passed. Nothing. Tuesday passed. Nothing. Another text of desperation. Wednesday passed. And nothing.

It was sad. From the hundreds of people I have befriended I felt like there was really nobody else I could turn to. I love my brothers, handfuls of best friends and people of knowledge but I felt like none would:

1. Get it.
2. Provide me with the kind of clarification I'm looking for.

I know this because I did the litmus test with 10 close people. Not particularly the epiphany but just bits and bats. And I was right. I was stuck here. Alone.

Everyone could use somebody. Especially in times of need. In the past, I have done this alone but this time, it was to be different. Musa (as). An epic, profound prophet of Allah. Even he needed somebody.. he needed his brother.
 
Thursday came and Mr P... responded! He was ill (having just come back from hajj) and he managed to get the kids to sleep and get me in for Friday evening. It was his wife's turn to have some her time, so he was all mine.

Mr P's house is really warm and welcoming. "Please make yourself at home and put your feet up. What are you having?" "Water" I said. He sighed and said "that's unacceptable, can you stop being so boring." I laughed. "Coffee please."

"Soulseek.. speak to me." I smiled. Because my inspiration. My benchmark. The guy whom I will excel beyond in all matters of deen (insha'Allah) is sat there, right there - smiling at me. "This is going to be a long one, I apologise in advance. I'm going to think aloud as I haven't had the time to put it together. Get ready for some incoherent thoughts." I said. He laughed "Let me go and get a notepad and pen."

I started talking. I fumbled at the first hurdle. "I don't know where to begin but the start is always a good place." He laughed. I looked at my notes on my tablet. I digressed. I then related it back to the original topic of discussion. Ayahs of qur'an flowing with my disjointed thoughts. It then started to come together. It exploded.

An hour had passed "... and breathe" I said, laughing. 

We were facing each other. "Soulseek, come here and sit with me. I hope you like diagrams." I walked across.

What happened after that was.. magical. He managed to decipher and bring it back to 2 fundemental things. He did a Soulseek on me. He simplified and made great, great sense of things.

Mr P. Allah bless you. Allah bless with jannat al firdous because people like you are gems. And gems need duas for protection. Allah gifted you to me.

The next couple of days are going to be seriously interesting. Mr P put it there! High 5!

It's Happening Again

Earlier this year, 10 months ago I went through this phase. My brain tapped into what felt like unlocked potential. You have to have experienced this to understand it. The kind of knowledge I was absorbing, the rationale of my mind and the things I was thinking about? I don't know where to begin. I was reading 9 books at a given time. I felt weird but I felt good, things made so much sense. I went on this crazy stint for almost half a year, til the pursuing continued and wore me down.

I made one mistake during that time. I didn't write down some of the things that came to me so that I could refine those ideas.

Well, it's started again. I have a different perspective. Even towards marriage and my own approach on things. I ain't letting it creep this time. I'm still intensively doing the tafsir of Surat Al Baqarah every weekday. Firstly, I must praise Ibrahim (as), he truly was a genius. Allahu Akbar. I can't describe the honour and smile on my face in hopes of meeting him in Jannah. Want? YES!  I wish I could write my thoughts what the mufassireen have wrote in their tafaseers' but that would take weeks to collate. However, I must first do this. These Ayahs are speaking to me - By Allah I can't explain how intimately. I find it difficult to contain myself. It seems Allah has blessed me with this ability to understand and see certain things. Everything is all so clear.

This intensive tafsir is really tiring. Even though I've done it for almost 3 years now, it's different and more difficult. We spent 1 hour on 1 ayah even then I feel like it was rushed. I finish near midnight and I start work around fajr. Inbetween these hours I commit to my obligations and try to split my time between family, friends, studying and gym. I also start arabic this weekend again. My 7 day schedule is . . Well, difficult. I haven't been on my home pc for ages. I'm having to write on my tablet.

I've got a shed load on my mind. I'm going to be banging out all my thoughts should time permit. Diary format.

Let me begin with the first thing.

After years and years on this quest? Maybe it's time to drop it.

Failsafes And How They Make You Feel Safe

I like simple mechanisms. Here's one: 

Fail safe - Something designed to work or function automatically to prevent breakdown of a mechanism, system, or the like. 

Once upon a time a lil female crept her way into my feelings and she left a mark. Aww, cute. Having never let a woman do that before, it was a new experience to me. I was always used to a different kind of struggle. It happens. From a young age surrounded by the bleak facts of a difficult life, I took it on. I fought. and I succeeded. I always looked up to the challenges of what my path would bring forth. I took the path to become a strong, rounded individual. Being a head strong practising Muslim, I never had a relationship with anyone. I had no idea how evil some women could be. I haven't pursued the worst of what's out there. Alhamdulillah. I have however had a taster of how evil some can be.

I have been wronged throughout this process. Because of that I had developed a mental fail safe. I made conscious efforts to maintain this lack of emotional attachment when speaking to suitors. Naturally after spending months in speaking to her you will grow a liking, it's human like. I'm game for that, it's important to establish some kind of liking. However, the problem starts at the attachment part. You shouldn't become dependents or too involved at this stage. When I speak to my suitors, I let everything flow naturally. However, I never let her become the centre of my daily activities. As soon as we finish talking, I don't think about things like I used to. It keeps my mental state fresh. She's just another scheduled task. Having done this 3 times now, when things didn't work out. I was back on form without being hung up.

I find it difficult to posses any feelings or think about her. When I look back, it's always to take a look at myself or the whole situation.When the gut feeling senses that something off, the fail safe kicks in. The signal is transmitted to my brain When things fall over. I move on.

What happens when things don't work out? Going upon my last 3 success failures - I look at how I conducted myself throughout the whole process. Islamically and as a good man. If I did something wrong, I will not let that happen again. If I was wronged, I will think of ways to minimise that the next time round. I then reflect. Look deeply within myself. Assess my physical and mental state of mind. Then I proceed to network for more prospects.

Simple? It works for me.

The Strife Continues

That gut feeling down there? Intuition. It's on a roll. It told me that It wasn't going to work out.

And it scored. It didn't work out. 

Mufti "Have you done istikhara?"
Her "Yes"
Mufti "Was it Positive?"
Her "Alhamdulillah, it was"
Mufti "Then Allah has given you glad tidings to marry SoulSeek. He has closely studied under me for almost 3 years. If you want a character of piety and humility. SoulSeek is somebody I can vouch for. If you want a life of happiness. This young man provide for you where many would fail to.."

He continued to say all these amazing things about me. I blushed like a shy child. I don't do compliments. Yet, here. Now. This well renowned scholar was saying all these wonderful things about me. Wow.

Mufti "Your parents have no valid reasons to reject SoulSeek, do they?"
Her "No"
Mufti "I've dealt with many cases like this. This will work. And I will help you both through this."

Mufti talked to for a while. he clarified and made things so simple and clear for her. Yet she still managed to confuse things. She called her parents the next day. Now apparently they rejected me based on my character. Even though they had never met me.

Hold on. Wut?

It kept getting stranger and stranger. Apparently they had decided this 2 months ago, yet they still let things progress. Wallahi I have no idea what games they are playing with her but her emotional state was not pretty. She ended up in complete denial. Then she slipped up some nasty information.

Without going into much detail. I was lied to. Their whole family was dishonest. They were deceiving. They were ignorants. They certainly were not Islamic. And her family never had intentions to let her get married. They all ganged up on her and bullied her. Yet she still continued to put on this front.

Not only did they play her a fool but they brought me, my sacrifices and my whole family in for the ride. Have these people no imaan? 

I spoke to my Mufti.I saw that look I haven't seen in a long time. It's quite a scary look. "That's injustice... You have been wronged. Be patient. For Allah will give you your due."

I can't believe what she did. I can't believe what her family did. 

Something about these sad entries, they kind of hurt. So, can I ask you all for a huge favour? Please keep me in your duas. It's all I ask for. By Allah, I cannot thank you enough.

Jazakallah Khair

My Theory On The X & Y Chromosomes

I always thought that when X was pleased with Y.
And that when Y was pleased with X.
That would be the start.

I always thought that where there was chemistry flooding.
That would be awesome.

I always thought that when they had established compatibility, determined matters of intelligence and deen and they then shared similar aspirations, goals and dealt with matters amicably.
That would be amazing.

I always thought that when both had found comfort in one another.
That would make your eyes glimmer.

I always thought when X could provide 40 reasons in why Y is the one, then stop the list at his request as there were one too many reasons. And when she then broke that list down detailing why Y is the best for her and the vast number of qualities and attributes he brings with him.
That would make you greatful.

I always thought that when both X & Y had consulted Allah and he was pleased.
NOTHING could taint that.

I guess I was wrong.

Alhamdulillah.

My Veins Are Pounding Success

There's something in my blood. I can't stop it.

When a man feels this surge of power and energy to give it his best. He gives out this aura. With that crazy look in his eyes. I call it happiness. I call it success.

Something won't let me give into any wrong or injustice.

My character and demeanor transforms when I have conviction in something. This has always been one of my greatest strengths.

I was never the problem. Nor is my family. But I get it now. Her family think that they're better than us. Her whole family is great on putting a front. They've got a chip on their shoulder. Masha'Allah. Their snobiness is their greatest upset. And our tiny 4 bedroom house is no match for their gigantic 7 bedroom house.

This is jahliyyah and inaad. I refuse to stand for it.

She told me they're now bringing prospects forward for her to get over me. She's completely torn. She saw how horrible it was when they all turned on her other sister, now that same sister is turning on her along with everyone else.

My Mufti voiced his thoughts, he's not happy. I've told her one last time. I will stand by her side. That dude I talked, crazy? That's me. Either way this goes, I'm a winner.

The ball's in her court.

Shoot. And shoot far.

Because I am SoulSeek and you ain't never met a dude like me. BAM!

My World Is No.2

Today's Fajr alarm felt like a blur. That feeling you get when you're drifting in between the state being asleep and awake. I didn't get a great deal of sleep, I wasn't actively think about what had happened, my brain has just learnt to switch off. Just that cold and numb feeling remains. After praying Fajr, an idea came to me. One of her brother's is an Aalim. I met him on Saturday. He seemed like a very reasonable and well balanced character. Someone who has been fairly distant from the family in doing his own thing. Ideas started flaring. The way I would approach him and the way I would put my case across. From what his sister had informed me of, I felt like he had no idea of what was going on in their household, the difficulties placed on his youngest sister. I felt that he could be the one to relay back to the parents a more refined and reasoned approach. Afterall, I'm still waiting to be dismissed for the right reasons from any suitor. If it isn't injustice, it's some personal issues. When am I going to get that satisfaction in being rejected rightfully?

Then it occurred to me. She said that  what her family were doing, the injustice that they were doing - It was justified. It was justified in some twisted way for her to accept this. When a personal is emotionally distraught, it happens. I can't help or work with her when she's accepted defeated. Optimist, pessimist, realist. Schmucks.
 
It's time for a refresh. Last night, me and 3 others (geetarhiro et al) had the most random idea. To hit a fairly small Island. We all needed a break. So we booked it last night and we all managed to blag some holidays off work. Get some nice apartments with a pool and a car waiting for us tomorrow. I need this. All these difficulties and tests? It's my first opportunity to wind down, away from here.

The world is 3 days:
As for yesterday?
It has vanished along with all that was in it.
As for tomorrow? 
You may never see it.
As for today?
It is yours, so work on it.
[Hassan Al-Basree]

It is time to start steering my life in the direction I have wanted. I've already wasted a couple of years. I found myself wanting to wait for that essential and intricate part of my life to enter in finding that comfort I've been looking for but she isn't coming. She was never around for the years I most needed her, so I'm not dependent upon her today either. I've been through that struggle in finding me. In stripping my character apart to see the person that I am. Ugly. I made changes. Lots of them. I'm now ready for the next phase.

I'm in my early 20's. The age of Jannah is narrated to be 33. I have a few years to go in order to be that man I envisage to be. I've got a lot of work ahead of me Insha'Allah.

I've been studying Tafsir of the Qur'an intensively (5 days a week) for the past 2.7 years. This was whilst juggling the everything in my life including a time demanding degree. We've completed only a mere 16 Juz. I can't begin explain how much this has changed my life. I've taken a very active and balanced approach in developing myself as a human being. More importantly to be that slave to Allah.

I look at my life. My efforts. And my sacrifices. By the grace of Allah, he's steered me away from any Major Sins insha'Allah. I want dedicate my whole life in serving him, I have no other purpose.

I have complete and utter conviction that Allah is my lord and Muhammed (saw) is his last and final messenger. And that the Qur'an is the last and final book of Allah.

﴿أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ﴾

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.  

[Surat Ar-Rad - V28]

A new chapter is starting in my life. The intention has been made. I'm going to learn Arabic just so I can begin to gain a minuscule understanding the Qur'an. I can't even begin to describe what kind of kitaab the Qur'an is. 

Throughout this marriage process I take a look back and I see how confident I've become, how warm and welcoming people are towards me. I'm still making revisions in my former self, to become better. I know the kind of person I am. Committed and determined. And as with any skill, quality or ability. Pour in copious amounts of effort and you'll be sure to see a return. But there's an added bonus. When you make intention in learning the qur'an for the sake of Allah, he promises to make it easy for you. Profound. Making the intention is half of the battle. It's time to step up and go for the gold.

Til next time. Masalaama :)

And It's A Wrap!

The Journalist.

The first time I uttered the words "you're the one". She did the same in return. Allah made it so easy it was beyond belief. We wanted to get married this month. I invested every ounce of my free time into her.

Her family started the fitna. And they went in full force throughout Eid. Her soft natured personality was always overshadowed by her family and she was always bullied and seen as the weaker link. All islamic personalities too.

When it came to her making this decision, they felt 'moving away for her would be difficult'. Subhaanallah, this is what we Muslims have deteriorated to after finding everything else is key. Spot on. Plucking things out of thin air, telling her how she would feel. Her sisters were plain wrong and just sly. They constantly patronised and mocked her. They both married choices whom their parents did not approve of and they were dictacting her decisions. He brother was the type, who would threaten to server family ties if they don't approve of his dictatorship in the household. They used her as the maid of the house to even look after her sisters' husband too. Charming stuff. I loved her approach on these people. She always looked for the best in them. Great quality but it must be used correctly. Unfortauntely that's where she fell. She failed to recognise how damaging they were to her. To us. One can only sugar coat a wicked person for so long.  

We worked. She loved my family. And we saw a future together. Today, she spoke to her father in SA and the siblings had relayed some nonsense back. They weren't very warm. Please note: They did not disapprove. They just felt concerned about her 'soft personality'. When I spoke to them they were equally as cold.

It all changed in 60 minutes when I asked her if she was willing to see this through. She cried. I will never understand this emotional blackmail families put upon each other. Me? I had very few words. Assalamu Alaikum was all I could say. I've established this level self respect and of self value. I've learnt to just walk away. You have to learn to accept that those hundreds of hours you invested only for it to fail - Is an essential part in picking the mother of your children. I stand by that.

She didn't step up. So, I retract my earlier statement about her being the one. 4 years on and every suitor is adament there is nothing wrong with me. I step outside of my body and I just stand there. I feel a different kind of numb.

I feel I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I've exerted myself.

Destiny. Maybe this is mine. Alhamdulillah. 

O Muslims. Take Heed. Take Action. NOW.

What on Earth is going on here?!

8 years. 8 years. Barbar Ahmed has been detained without trial. 

I'm shocked. I'm also fuming to see so few signatures on the e-petition for our innocent brother Barbar Ahmed. Do we really care about what happens to him? Have we really done anything to help his case? If you one of those that do care. And that you are aware that you will be questioned by Allah when you were made aware of this and you ignored an innocent brothers' perseucation and that you will be questioned - What did you do? Ask yourself now. What will you answer?

Here is the template for the petition. Print-out as many as you can:

http://freebabarahmad.com/downloads/...n_template.pdf

1. You can get signatures from your local Mosque after Jummah salah.
2. You can print out several copies of the template and leave them in your local shops, barbers, etc.
3. You can even contact ISOCs and get them to run a campaign like 'JUSTICE WEEK' for Barber Ahmed.

Sign the e petition yourself:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/885

Imagine if he was your blood brother? What lengths would you go to, to help set him free?

''Allah will aid a servant (of His) so long as the servant aids his brother." [Muslim]

I realise the state of the Ummah is bad. Really bad, But this takes the cake. There are over 3 million Muslims in the UK. And we're unable to get a measley 100,000 signatures that literally takes seconds? Allahu Akbar. 

We would rather waste hours on Facebook/YouTube instead. And we wonder why we're oppressed. FIX UP. 

Dear Readers, respected brothers and sisters. Please, do your bit. Post it on your blog. Send it to your friends and family. Lets help our brother in dire need.

Meet The Siblings

After a 4 hour drive with my sister yesterday we met the the siblings, well most of them. 2 brothers, 2 sisters, the sister in-law and two brother in laws. The nephew too.

After 5.5 hours we left their house to trek back home. I sat in the car and my sister turned sideways and looked at me. She said "You look different." Waiting for her to finish.

She continued "You look happy."

I smiled.

Marriage Blogs And Quests

As always its good to see new and fresh blood.

If there's any that have slipped beneath my radar the comment box is below.

Masalaama (High Five!)

Women in Islam: Liberated or Oppressed?

Myriam Francois Cerrah hit my radar early last year and every time I have heard this sister speak, she has made me smile.

Sisters, please take notes. This is what is means to be an active Muslimah. Speaking the truth with beautiful words, elegance and wisdom. Around here, we would describe her as being propa sick.

What she has highlighted here is what more of our women need to be openly talking about. As men we can address keys issues as such but Women and Islam is something women need to talk about. It holds more substance, it holds more value. An open dialogue of healthy discussion and debate. Not only has this sister handled herself in style on Question Time but she's here to make a statement. And a damned good one at that.

May Allah continue to equip this sister with the power and strength to continue her work.

P.S. Happy Jummah! 

Me vs The World

Assalamu Alaikum,

After re-opening the quest. Life is pacing really quickly. After Ramadan, my days have been flowing like water. The month is almost over and I start my new job this Jummah insha'Allah.

You may think I've been lazy with the updating my blog but the truth is wife-hunting has been taking all my free time. If I find a brother who has put in so much time, effort and determination in tying his camel. I will personally make him dinner. Beans on toast of course. Cupcakes for the number of prospects he has over me. Chunky figure.

I've filtered through about 15 girls in the past 18 days. You read that right. Seriously hard work. You have to put in some serious hours. Staying on top of your game, treating every prospect like she could potentially be the one. It's tough work and extremely taxing and draining on you and your emotional state of mind. 

The kind of prospects that have been put forward were all practising sisters. From different races to a revert. Middle class straight through to upper class backgrounds. From a barrister through to students. Qur'an Hafiz to a writer. I've even had an imam and another father approach me. By Allah, I cannot express my gratitude from how he has placed all these opportunities for me. Quality prospects that actually want to get married. The standard of these girls, masha'Allah. I've entered the twilight zone.

After filtering through racial issues (their parents), mismatch in aspirations/expectations and identifying compatibility. I hit the top 3. These prospects seemed outstanding, I had no intention of filtering through many suitors at once, but I was approached at the same time, way to go timing! I tried to filter through them but its been difficult. So I decided to give the first sister who contacted me priority.

The Journalist.

One thing I've learnt in over 3 years on the quest is how make things happen and work. So we started talking earlier last week. I needed a retreat for a mental break so I headed down to geetarhiro's turf. I hooked up with my brothers. I spoke to the journalist that night and we made good progress. Her father was in the country until today.  I wasn't going to pass up on this offer. We managed to pull off a last minute meet. Being 180 miles away from home, alhamdulillah they understood the benefit of us meeting and they agreed to meet.

I got the boys together and we hit the capital for dinner. The father and daughter arranged to meet me near the place we arranged to have dinner, so they travelled a little to meet there. I abandoned the boys for 90 minutes.

We met. We talked. We laughed. It was key, to the point but not too formal. Just right. We even disagreed on a few things. The father gave me a lift a few miles down. He seemed like a wonderful and understanding man, masha'Allah. I asked him for permission to speak to his daughter so we may establish compatibility. The trust and faith he placed on me. I can't say I've come across a father with such a warming and positive attitude. I like him. I like her too. We come from very different backgrounds but that's what makes it exciting. She has things to offer me that others didn't demonstrate.

I pray she is the one. Insha'Allah. Allah has made the process easy so far. Let it continue.

The first love story I posted? It benefited me a great deal, looks leading to attraction is one thing. Attraction from having faith in Allah, that's something else. I'm glad that I give every prospect the same opportunity they all deserve. If I didn't, I may have overlooked her because some of the prospects that were put forward. Honestly? Really attractive. I've come so far. I'm happy that I now know what I'm doing. My system works. My dealings are in adherance to Islam. The love and respect from all the families I've received. Every day I'm becoming the best version of myself.

Is there anything more satisfying in knowing that? Heck no.

P.S. Remember Potential #7? They came to our house for dinner yesterday. They hinted 3 times they're interested in marriage. Too late?

A True Love Story - II

Jalal Ibn Saeed is a legend!

Masha'Allah, this one's a tear jerker! True love. Allahu Akbar.

Peace.

Muslim Apologetics

Get suscribing y'all - This is going to be a fantastic channel!

 

 My homeboy Deen!

Change. Lets make it happen. 

It All Comes To Light Sooner Or Later

What a week. I have never filtered through so many prospects in one sitting. Allah bless my helpers! 3 who are ticking my boxes so far. Filtering time!

It all comes to light sooner or later.

I just have to drag this out not for the sake of dragging it out but as a lesson.

Aisha. This is the last time you will ever hear her name being mentioned here. I ended things based on that gut feeling. Intution, that's what it's called. I've gone through how Allah listens to the sincere heartfelt dua of a believer.

My intuition was right about this girl. Trouble. News has travelled over a 100 miles about what she has been up to. Sad and dissappointing. However, it gives me that ultimate peace and tranquility in how she would have never suited me. This is my istikhara answered. 1.5 years later. That's the beauty in Allahs wisdom.

Another case. My mother wanted me to marry my first cousin over 2 years ago. I rejected because I saw culture and no deen. Besides, I wasn't a fan of marrying within our relatives. Mother til this day kept bringing it up. "You had the best girl available and you rejected her. Now somebody else is marrying her."

Aunty gave my mum an update, she's moved on from the simple girl she was. No hijaab, skinnies and almost vest like kameez (top). Mum finally understands what I've been trying to say for  years. Alhamdulillah, that's patience, perserverance and dawah.

Saved yet again. Istikhara. Deep, deep stuff.

He's keeping someone special for me. He's protected me one too many times. Exciting times are ahead insha'Allah.

When I do find her. I've got some scary figures for you guys.

A True Love Story - I

 

This is just beautiful. 

I feel really soft right now. Infact, too soft. And this right here, gave me the reminder I needed.

Perfection. That's what Islam is.

The Beginning Of Many Blessings To Come

It seems everybody seems to be making joint, collective duas for me. It really makes me blush when I hear about it.

I lose count of all these blessed people that check on me to see how I'm doing. Hoping in some shape or form they can help. Even if they can't they say "I will make dua for you." I say I don't feel deserving of it. And they reply with "it's the least we can repay you with."

One of my readers, SI said the following:

"My mum always says that if you're good to people, help them out, then Allah (swt) automatically creates people who do the same for you."

It's true. What she said right there? Magic.

Remember my adventurous escapade that involved a 400 miles journey for a 10 hour interview? It was for one of the largest and best companies to be at.. in the word.

A presentation. An interview. 3 groups excercises. 3 individual excercises. A negotiating task. And an exam.

I didn't sleep that night. I had some serious milage to cover and I made it to the site for 6:30am. 2 hours before the process. (Protip: Don't take advice from geetarhiro again.) I tried my best and I did super. I received feedback and I demonstrated some of the best strengths and competencies. The task I failed on was the easiest task of them all. The negotiating task. It was just a 10 minute excercise. I ended up missing the point and digressing. Blame the lack of sleep.

I thought, what's going to top is company? I mean seriously? It was the one company I was going to make, regardless. I know my competencies and strengths.

Yesterday I received a phone call from another company. I was told I couldn't have handled the interview any better. I was made a job offer for an up and coming firm within the UK. The irony? I prepared for the interview on the day. It was at 4pm and I woke up at 11am to start preparing. Granted, I was beyond confident but I usually always put in a few days into things like these. The package works out sweeter than the other company. With them I would have to made the sacrifice of commuting for 2 hours each way. New Job? 3 minutes. I kid you not. Door to door by car. Actually thinking about it? I did make dua. And I asked Allah to help me "For whatever is in the best interest for me in my deen and my future." The commuting alone would have stopped me attending my tafsir classes 5 times a week. As I would be arriving home late. Therefore compromising on my other commitments and obligations.

That is the thing about the Lord of Ala'min. None come close to his wisdom and majesty. He is the all the knowing. And the most gracious. He is kind to his believers.

I had confidence in him from the beginning.

I start at the end of this month. I'm excited. Seem like a great bunch of guys to be working with.

In other news. 2 prospects are next on the list. They really do seem extraordinary. On paper anyways. Lets see how that works out.

Lets make a collective dua. A dua for each other. And a dua for all those that are suffering. Be it famine, be it war, be it marriage. It is the weapon of a believer. I have faith and so should you.

Comprende?

P.S. Stay tuned and keep an eye out for my book on "How to become a Millionaire : The Dua edition" ;o)

The Concluding Introduction

So, why did I share that one aspect of my life with you?

The reason why I had started the introduction was because I had lost focus. I almost forgot the person I had become and the trials that I had faced. I had wrote a further few entries but they've served their purpose. As lessons and reminders. A reminder of the person I have become and who I aspire to be.

Earlier this year, the drama happened, you know the one when you feel like you've lost everything. And rightly so, you might have lost everything.

In that state of desperation to shout no, no and NO. Where you know so many people, you continue looking around with that blank hopeless look - 'help' is all you want. And nobody is around. There also comes that point in your life where you outgrow some of your friends.

Then you look back to see who will always be there for you. They make you smile. Because it's always those that have strong faith and character. Your love exponentially grows for them.

You know you have the right kind of humble and shy qualities of a believer. Then you also know you're super confident with serious levels of self-esteem. However, not enough to show any kind of arrogance or ego.

I call it SWAG. Something We Asians Got. (I joke!) More importantly we must become better people and in return better Muslims.

I'm making things happen. By Allah, I'm trying.

The wife part is essential in things falling into place. I'm starting to find this process tedious. I've been at it for way too long. I'm actually sick and tired of it. It consumes alot and it's a draining process. When is it going to end? Allahu allam.

The quest bladdy continues..

Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak. I hope you all have a blessed day and don't eat too much! ;o)

Taqaballahu Minna Wa Minkum (May Allah accept it from you and us).

I hope you all made the most of your last ten days. It was another epic ramadhan for me. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah make you all and your families amongst those whom have been granted forgiveness, mercy and protection from the fire of Jahannam (hell). Ameen. 

Catch Y'all In A Few Days

I made intention to do itikaaf this year but I had a job interview 2 days ago.

So insha'Allah tonight, I'm sitting a 5 day nafl itikaaf. I have to get 26 juz done in 5 days. I am the worlds slowest reader, so it should be interesting. I'll catch y'all on Eid!!

I got some feedback regarding the interview. I couldn't have done any better, so insha'Allah I hope this is the one!

In true quest style, I've just been informed about another 3 prospects. Time to get cracking after Eid I guess!

When I return, expect a lot of updates. I treated myself to a lovely shiny tablet paired up with a Bluetooth keyboard for eid. I've typed all of todays entries on it. Okay enough with the showing off hah.

Guys, please make the most of these remaining days of Ramadhan. Epics proportions of rewards, forgiveness and mercy to be had.

Don't delay, take up on this amazing offer today! 

Looking From The Outside

There's something ugly and/or beautiful when you step outside of your body.

Try it. Think of a place or a memory that you hold dear to yourself. Let that be your surrounding. For me, it's a really busy place - A landmark in the Arab lands. Then get rid of everyone around you. It's just you.

That feels really weird. Now step outside of your body. And have a hard, close look at yourself.

Okay enough with checking yourself out physically and saying Masha'Allah.

Look at the person presented in front of you. His qualities. His attributes. His faith. His relationships. His achievements. His skills. His character. And the defects in his character.

It's an on going list. There's one too many things to take a look at.

I've done that. And I continue to do it.

I'm quick off the mark to focus on my slip ups, my mistakes and how to rectify them to ultimately become a better person. A better Muslim. Insha'Allah.

I want to bring this back to my recent quest experience.

My biggest mistake was one of my earlier mistakes. Aisha. I wasted too much for too long. It was a bad experience. But it taught me dearly.

I took breaks in between my quests to refine me, my thoughts and my wants.

I've come a long way.

Lets talk statistics.

Aisha fiasco - 10 months. A heartache. A waste of time.

The prospect earlier this year. Very close to marrying her. 4 months. No pain. Just learnt more about me and what I need to work on.

The sister I've just been talking to - Just over 3 weeks. It would have been a lot sooner but there's always the finer details you have to deal with. In short, I managed to get results in 1.5 weeks. Made far more progress than any suitor I've spoken to.

All suitors have something in common to say. They have never met anyone quite like me. The way I conduct myself and this process? Nothing but respect and praise.

Alhamdulillah. This journey has matured me. I've always been ahead of my peer groups but this was one area I needed work on.

And my teacher asked me if I had any feelings for this prospect. I shaked my head. I've learnt to detach any kind of attachments or feelings. I can think much more clearly. I walk away pain-free. It's a good deal.

This is how it should be. Once I find her. Those feelings will be for her and her alone.

I'm doing something right. Super right.

I'm proud of how far I've come. This is how it should have always been.

Istikhara: The Final Take And Conclusion

I can't believe how quick ramadhan has come and gone. Subhaanallah. It feels like it just begun.

Apologies for the late update, I was tied up high on breaking my fast with dates (the halal kind)  and I let things pan out.

Night Ten

After night 10, things had started to turn around. Things started becoming easier and more of a reality.

This is what istikhara is all about. When Allah makes things possible and perhaps easier. If it is not meant to be, the situation becomes impossibly difficult. That, right there - That's a sign.

I was skyping  with the whole family and even their neighbours. Alhamdulillah, I got an insight from the neighbours, even the kids too.

Advice from the kids? Marry her, she's really nice. Haha.

Istikhara take ten: Complete.

Status: Good feeling.

Conclusion
We continued talking and making good, solid progression. I made a discovery. A discovery that is detrimental to this process at this moment in time. Basically, a deal breaker.

It's through no fault of anyone. It is something that is outside both of our control and remit at this moment in time.

I didn't want to call it quits there. I know how difficult it is to find good girls. So for now we've left things. However, I want to revisit this issue and see if it has changed. As for how long? I don't know is the truth. Perhaps 4-6 months?

So in the mean time because there is no commitment - If any other suitor presents itself I will continue my search. It's unfair for either of us to hang around.

Qadr. We all know about that. Right?

Just an observation. Every prospect I've pursued? They keep getting better. And closer to what I want.

Allah is true to his word. What word? I'll go into that soon enough.

Istikhara Take Eight And Take Nine

Night Eight

Nothing happened other than that in my brain.

I was just thinking how fickle human beings are. I mean seriously. I was just chillin' and reflecting, like you do.

And I was thinking If I lived in Medina how much would my requirements differ?

The answer none didn't happen. Some of the things that popped up was for example, I didn't mind if she wasn't street smart if I lived in Medina. Because after all my children would never have to deal with the kind of things I did. Nor would they have that level of freedom and struggles that we face in the Western world. It takes both a mother and a father to suceed in this society. So on that premise, I guess the requirements do change a little.

It's just one of the many discussions that take place up there. I consulted the right hemisphere and it was a stimulating discussion.

Istikhara take eight: Complete. 

Status: Unsure.

*****

 

Night Nine

Masha'Allah. The more I chill with my sister. The more I respect her. We're so alike. Strong minded. With invincible levels of determination. I'm glad she's by my side. This is the first time I've consulted her on such a scale. I am glad. May Allah bless her. And Allah make her amongst those women whom he loves. She's special. And she is wise.

We had a group conversation today. She even taught me a few things. We're starting to gain more of an insight. Alhamdulillah. More sessions like these and I shall come to know if this is the best for me.

Bi'ithnilla. 

Istikhara take Nine: Complete. 

Status: Confident. The foundations have been set. Clarity will come. The outcome? Allah knows best.

Istikhara Take Six And Take Seven

Been really busy, so dropping the two entries together.

Night Six

This was a BIG development. Things went pretty bad. I generally give people naseeha on why making your own decisions are important. Ultimately you're responsible for the decision(s) you make and that's something you have to live with and take into consideration. You can't blame other people for your decision. And this is why some relationships turn sour. The blame game. Ooo-errr.

The power of influence. An Alima give her opinion on the matter. Her family took it as gospel. Their arrangements didn't work for me. I can't make the biggest decision in my life by just saying tawwakul Allah (pacing your trust in Allah). Masha'Allah, great if you can. But I believe in tying your camel first. You have to be naive to assume two people with deen will make things magically work. Maybe in Bollywood. Sure.

Oh wait, Lollywood? Muslims, halal, get it? Ha!

I had my Tafsir class. On my way out, I wasn't content with what went down. I just needed assurance I wasn't losing my mind. I spoke to my teacher. A mufti. He's a badass to put it bluntly. Awesome and straight up he is. He gave me the peace of mind I needed from a well learned person. "SoulSeek, speak to the girl and explain things again."

And so I did. She then spoke to my teacher. He gave her some straight up advice. "I deal with a lot of marriage cases. The divorce is terrible amongst our Muslims and I think a lot of young people make irresponsible decisions." I don't claim to be a person of knowledge but I know one thing. The sunnah of the prophet is clear. We don't need 'interpretations' on most issues.

There may be a big battle ahead. Who knows?

I have a way of putting things. So she says. I think she's delusional. I'm clearly a nut job. And I've made it clear that I may turn senile before 30. Whoever is going to marry me. Good luck!

It brings me back to my original question. Do I want a trainee?

Istikhara take six: Complete. 

Status: Unsure.

***

 

Night Seven

Do I want a trainee? The truth is when you want to be with somebody, it doesn't matter where they are in life. Even if they have to learn how to walk. A building could be on fire. And the only thing on your mind will be on how to make it to the other side. That's conviction right there.

Solid progress today. Making the kind of progress I've been wanting to make from the start. Alhamdulillah. My terms are coming into play. My terms? They made sense and it's in compliance with the Shariah. She's now starting to make sense of what I initially laid down. High 5 anyone?

I just need more fruitful sessions like these to detail if she's the one.

Insha'Allah. 

Istikhara take Seven: Complete. 

Status: Unsure. However, I do see light.

Istikhara Take Five

Night Five
Not a great deal to report today. I'm getting the trickle treatment in regards to information. It will come in due course insha'Allah.

As a result, a more clearer picture will begin to form, I hope.

Istikhara take five: Complete. 

Status: In the middle of nowhere. Need to see how the next few days pan out.

Sound Marriage Advice From Wednesday

Excellent!!

Istikhara Take Four

I think I'm coming down with something. My food and water intake has come down by about 50%. That's a lot.

Standing under the fan for 1.5 hours in taraweeh yesterday wasn't a great idea. 

Night Four
She dropped me a line today. Saying I made her feel inadequate. I'm a great guy but I should give her a chance.

I was quick off the mark to apologise. Regardless of my actions if someone feels like that, I apologise. Thinking about it. She tripped up. I was okay about it. But I did follow up a day later asking for a clarification, as things didn't make sense. Perfectly valid and rightly entitled to do so. I get the feeling she's feeling inadequate because she said she's ruining her chance. She feels inexperienced.

The advisor (sis) thinks she's a lovely girl but is lacking. She tried helping me to list what she brings to this marriage, we did pretty bad. She's nice and sincere whilst all that is lovely there may be a problem. A marriage is about two people bringing stuff to a party. My suitor herself also believes I'm bringing a whole lot to the table and is questioning why somebody like me would be interested in a girl like her. I don't like this lack of confidence.

I will continue to make excuses and focus on the good things. I believe everybody has something to bring to the party. I just need to find out what presents she has lined up.

All that said. I am starting to feel a little unsure if anything.

Istikhara take four: Complete. 

Status: Unsure. Need to see how the next few days pan out.

Istikhara Take Three

My sister and my nephew have gone home. A.K.A my sidekicks. I've got a tight bond with my sister. Boy can this girl fight. She's feisty. Whenever we get into an argument we just stop. Our personalities are strong. And boy does everyone know it. When we bang heads we know where it's going. Jokes always pursue. I love this girl, she's one sibling I know I'm going to be tight with for the rest of my life.

She's talked to my suitor and she approves of her. She realises the same things I do. One thing I love about my sister is that she's not afraid to upset me nor is she afraid in saying anything to me. Girl speaks the raw truth.

I've appointed her as my advisor.

Word yo!

Night Three
I woke up with some kind of negativity today. Logically, I tried to make sense of it.

I got to briefly speak with the prospect today to address what happened yesterday. I gave her a chance to explain herself. She feels like she's unable to articulate herself well enough. This incident put me off and I told her that and for what reasons. She apologised and explained further. Only got to speak for minutes.

I was listening to lecture a earlier by Noumaan Ali Khan. He said something profound. "Don't try to rationalise when women are feeling that way." Boooom. A woman doesn't needed to be reminded about the way she's been created. I need to consider that. Pair it up with how she does and deals with things.

She's a tad bit on the softer side. I like it. But I don't like it. 

I've made some adjustments on how we're going to proceed. She's game and understands. I asked her to take  couple of days out. Spend time with friends and family. It takes the pressure off her. Chilling is the best of environments to make things work. You'll see.

Istikhara take three: Complete. 

Status: Undecided but progress is being made.

African Drought Crisis

I don't have to inform you all of what's going down at the moment.

In case you don't know, here's Aljazeera's Spotlight on the Horn of Africa's drought: http://aje.me/p9cKte

Here are my thoughts. Had Allah (swt) willed he can alleviate these people of their difficulties. But the truth is it's our test. All those mothers, father, brothers, sisters, children and baby. They will go to Jannah insha'Allah. The real test is how much we're going to do. How much of our rizq we're going to part with.

For those who have doubts with where their money is going. Remember Allah (swt) will reward you for your intentions. Stop looking for excuses.

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah, who said that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: Allah (swt) will say on the Day of Resurrection:

"O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me." [Related by Muslim]

Remember this is our test. It's ramadan and this is a month of giving, mercy and blessing. The ultimate goal is Taqwa. We know the reward of giving someone water and a date to break their fast. Lets do our part today.

http://www.islamic-relief.org.uk

More importantly. Don't forget the Ummah in your dua's.

Istikhara Take Two

Before I spoke to my hero. I had a gut feeling like I've never felt before. One of peace. Everything just felt so right.

Masha'Allah he gave me a real eye opener. He said "I love you for the sake of Allah, I'm only saying this just in case you haven't thought about it."

The truth is, this time round I thought had it all sussed out. Top notch. My process very thorough. Fairly methodical. But he trumped me again. He worded things the way he does. It made me think all over again.

Night Two
Made a big breakthrough today. Something happened. It doesn't seem great but Allah knows best and only time will tell.

One of my good friends gave me a call earlier, he was in the neighbourhood. So I invited him and his wife round to break iftar with us. I attended their wedding just over a month ago. His advice was good.

Whilst dropping them off. Just seen the rapport between them two? Masha'Allah! His wife is hilarious. I was always worried this brother would never meet his match. Clearly he has from seeing them in action and listening to their advice. 

After Taraweeh, I met up with another friend. Stayed around his until 3am and I just arrived home for sehri and fajr.

I've had a lot of food for thought.

I'll let it marinate for tonight and see what tomorrow brings me.

Istikhara take two: Complete. 

Status: Undecided and thinking.

Istikhara Take One

You guys know the drill.

10 Nights. 10 Entries. With the help of Allah's Counsel, I will be persuaded towards a decision and things may continue to go well or they may well come to a halt.

I'm writing this at 2:15am. I'm tired! So if things don't make sense... make sense of it because I'll most likely be writing at stupid o' clock :) Taraweeh finishes after midnight and I usually stay up til Sehri to fast and pray fajr.

I've started istikhara much earlier than I anticipated but I've done so for good reason. I was sure. Given some food for thought and I became unsure.

It's time to speak to my lord again.

Take One
I've made a commitment to speak to her for a couple of hours everyday since last week. We also speak on loud speaker in presence of her parents and/or siblings. Strictly halal as usual.

I've got a good feel for the kind of girl she is. Masha'Allah! Sincerity to the brim. That's her unique selling point. Winner right? I thought so too.

I met up with my hero after taraweeh for a quick 20 minute chat. The last time we spoke was about 6 months ago since the last prospect. He's my hero for a reason. Allah has blessed him with a brain that I will continue to compete with.

I told him things were going well. I told him my concerns and he addressed them.

He has a point.

This is girl seems like an opposite to the last one. His concern was me. What do I want? The balance of both I guess. 

Do I want a wife that's ready for marriage? Or do I want a wife that's in her infancy in life and people skills?

She's 3 years younger than me. Which makes her pretty young. I need to explore and look into other traits.

First time moving away from home. Being a wife. Putting up with difficult surroundings. Having to study at University. What if she falls pregnant early in the marriage? Whilst her body is going through hormonal changes, would she able to cope with so much change?

Its given me a lot to think about. Time to start breaking things down in my head.

Istikhara take one: Complete. 

Status: Undecided.

Ramadan Mubarak

Look.

I'm ethnic. So of course I'm going to be late about stuff like this!

Do I need to say anything about how glorious this month is? Do I really?

Ok just let me say a little..

It is narrated that Muhammed (saw) addressed his companions saying:

"Oh people! A great month has come over you; a blessed month; a month in which is a night better than a thousand months; a month in which Allah has made it compulsory upon you to fast by day, and voluntary to pray by night. Whoever draws nearer (to Allah) by performing any of the (optional) good deeds in (this month) shall receive the same reward as performing an obligatory deed at any other time, and whoever discharges an obligatory deed in (this month) shall receive the reward of performing seventy obligations at any other time. It is the month of patience, and the reward of patience is Heaven. It is the month of charity, and a month in which a believer's sustenance is increased. Whoever gives food to a fasting person to break his fast, shall have his sins forgiven, and he will be saved from the Fire of Hell, and he shall have the same reward as the fasting person, without his reward being diminished at all." [Narrated by Ibn Khuzaymah]

 Hold on, hold on! 

A night better than a thousand nights!? Some of us may not even live for that many nights! Our sustenance’s are increased, optional deeds are of the same reward as obligatory deeds, all our sins are forgiven, and the reward of obligatory deeds is like performing 70 obligations at any other time. A bargain not to be missed!

Can you feel the prophet’s excitement as he tells his companions about it?

A month of reward.
A month of mercy.
A month of bounty.
A month of forgiveness.
A month of being freed from hell fire.
A month of attaining honour.

That's ghetto!

Ramadan Mubarak!!

You Plan. And Allah Plans. Doesn't Take Much To Figure Who's Better?

I had the interview that I last posted about. It was interesting. The interview itself went fairly well. He asked a lot of questions. He then asked me "have you any questions?"

My last question was "have you any doubts whether I'm suitable for this position?" he changed his posture and smiled. "I have a few reservations" he said, and he elaborated.

I heard from them a couple of a days ago. "I have some good news and bad news." "Okay, hit me up" I said.

A lot was said. In a nutshell he said "He doesn't think you're suitable for this position. He thinks you wouldn't be happy and believes you're far more talented. He also said in a serious manner, you have potential to become a politician." At this point I started to laugh "He was dead serious when he said that. So basically, he wants to try and get you in into a project management consultant role. Even though you're 22, he sees so much potential in you." I was taken back and I agreed to another interview.

The very next day I heard back from one of my favourite companies of all time. I passed their test and I got through to the second stage. My dream place to work, ever since I was a kid. I was invited for a 10 hour assessment day. Don't get me started!

This is when the week had started. I had plotted a 540 mile road trip for this journey.

I left on Saturday and I drove 150 miles down to Geetar Hiro's place. We had one hell of a time (as usual) with the boys. I stayed until Fajr of Tuesday. I was busy preparing like mad for the interview. I only slept 50 minutes, if that. I left early hours and drove about 80 miles to my interview. I arrived 1hr 35mins early. Note to self: Don't take advice from GH again.

The assessment day was rock solid. A team of 8 interviewers throughout the whole day, and every one of them would get an opportunity to assess me. It started with a presentation. Interview. 3 individual assignments. 3 group assignments. One negotiation task. And an exam that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

The buffet was the highlight of the day. I was absolutely starving and I'm not shy when it comes to food. Mmmhmm (it's time for sehri in an hour, I'm getting hungry!) At end of the day I felt confident and proud. Proud because I gave it my best.

From the assessment centre, I drove another 80 miles to one of my best friends house to stay for the night as the journey back home was too far. I want you to hold and remember this part of the journey, I will come back to this real soon.

Now I heard back from both companies two days ago. The project management position was filled sooner than they expected by someone far more experienced. And I didn't get the second one. I didn't feel upset. I genuinely know I tried my best. I tied my camel real hard. Infact, I tied that dude so hard, I can get done for cruelty!

This journey in finding rizq (provision) was an excuse.

Bear with me whilst I digress. 16 months on since Aisha. That's how long it took for Allah to show me why. I get it now.  Like totally. Just like the others now. I have that feeling of peace and serenity of why she wasn't for me. I make this super duper dua whenever I look into a suitor. One of the things I ask for from Allah is that "If she's best the for me in all my affairs in both this dunya and the akhira." And he responds. Now, I'm not worthy enough of his attention but he's answered my duas. I can only continue to sit in humility. 

I thought it would be more difficult. I thought maybe... in everything that I do, I'm wrong. I thought. And I thought. My last of thoughts was that now isn't my time. 

I thought wrong.

Wrong because I think... I think I may have found her. 

Interview Time

I had an exam for a new job and it was more difficult than any exam at Uni :\ Alhamdulillah, I did well.

I have my second interview tomorrow with the company director and his Human Resources (HR) minion. It's going to be a tough one.

Headquarters at SoulSeeks. Prep is at full force!

Duas would be much appreciated homies!

Peace.

Introducing Zina

Part 3

Accommodation was a struggle. I spent two months look for an apartment/house with Muslims. That didn't work out, it wasn't a great surprise, the Muslim community was dead. The best compromise I managed to find was a quiet place with a shared communal bathroom and kitchen with non-Muslims.

Whenever there were planned parties and barbecues, I would prepare in advance to avoid these. Away for the weekend with the brothers or going home. It worked in keeping me away from the sinful stuff. With prior notice arrangements would always be made. However, there would be those situations that you just cannot prepare for. And this was one of them situations.

A regular Jummah. Casual dress at work, half a day. That Friday feeling of attending Jummah straight after work and hanging with a few boys. Hitting the gym, showering  and then cooking a fresh meal from the ground up. Eating and then doing the dishes.

Night time approached and I was getting ready to kick back for the night. 

It was usually quiet around that time as the flat mates were always out on a Friday night. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and finish cleaning up. En route to the kitchen, that over powering smell hit me of sweet, sweet perfume. I did not expect the source of that smell to be present. Women.  

Enter fitna. Making small talk with the guys whilst putting away a few things and she just came up and introduced herself.  One of my flatmates exclaimed "Yo soulseek lets go out tonight, you never come out with us" I resorted to excuse #47 in the western muslim excuse book and I found a cue to excuse myself.

I got back to my room and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was. She was my kryptonite. And it hurt me hard. In on a Friday night, always coming up with the same old excuses. Feeling crap whilst they're all going out to have a laugh. Sucks. Really does. Tough - It's the life of a believer, I thought.
 
Still struck by this girl's beauty, the penny dropped "It's time to start looking into marriage."

I was waiting for them to leave so I could get my laundry.

It was just then I saw my door open. And there she was. My desire. My fitna. Beautiful from top to bottom. With that gleaming smile. And she was in MY bedroom. Nothing came out of my mouth. In complete awe.

"Hey, get dressed! You're coming out with me" she said. Lame book reflex #96 kicked in "Sorry, I have to be up early tomorrow" she looked at me with those bright blue eyes "On a Saturday?" I have a great poker face but my lying skills? They're awful. I didn't convince her.

"Wow, I love your room!" she exclaimed, walking around and touching things. She sat on my bed. Close proximity.

Enter dopamine. The neurotransmitter responsible for attraction. Attraction isn't a choice, I couldn't help notice the details.

Playing with her hair.
The eye contact of those deep blue eyes.
That smile.
Her body orientated towards me.
The (lack of) clothes.
Her drawing in closer to me.

I couldn't understand what had happened. Its like I had forgotten everything. My mind went completely blank. I had been in a lot of situations but the proximity of this one. I was stuck.

Intoxicating levels of testosterone paired up with dopamine. Agitated feelings. I could not control my feelings. The one way flirting she doing was like an addictive drug. She liked me. She was the fix to whatever drug I was deprived of.

Somewhere in that blank mind of mine, a few brain cells merged together and they started transmitting a signal. A signal of guilt. I started to analyse damage control and calculations of risk assessment. The conversation in my head that would decide the outcome. "Dude, have you seen how fiiiiine this girl is?" "Come on this will only be your first 'mistake' you're as clean as they come." "You don't have to go the whole hog, just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing will happen. You're strong like that."

Too much was happening in my head. "I'll be back, going to the kitchen" I said.

I had entered the matrix. It seems in those couple of minutes, I'm convinced that I slowed down time. I broke things down and continued with the risk assessment. One thing was for sure, I could not control the chemicals in my body. These urges were making me think of the unthinkable.

I've always had this philosophy of all or nothing. Shaytaan came in as the voice of reason "Just go out, you don't have to do anything. Zina's far fetched thing man, you can control yourself." Come on, man up! I thought.

I made my way back to the room.

I sat in my chair, she moved closer. "We're gonna set off, lets go" I got up with her and I walked her to my door.

"Sorry, I won't be coming."

She looked at me. "You sure? We could have so much fun!"

I declined and I closed the door after her.

I put my forehead against the door in defeat and all I could repeat was "You idiot."
I locked the door. "You're going to regret that for the rest of your life." I thought. I dropped the dead lock and I turned my back against the door.

Stood there just frustrated and angry. I had never felt like this.

Unable to move for a while. I helplessly climbed on my bed and momentarily crouched in that ever so vulnerable position. The one I believe babies are born in the womb of their mothers. Utterly useless and helpless. Then staring at the ceiling for hours.

Shaytaan was having so much fun. "Pathetic loser. Here's your reward for being good. No one's watching and no one cares. This is why you're alone."

I didn't sleep the whole night. I remember just lying there questioning everything. Angry, confused and awfully frustrated. It was 4am and they strolled in. Pissed out of their heads. Giggling, laughing, girls screaming and the sound of stilettos.

It was exactly at this point, I understood what my struggle would become. I truly understood the concept of whatever leads to haraam, is haraam in itself. It made much more sense after this experience and in application. When your tempted by your desires, those strong desires. There does come that point of no return. Zina. I don't know how but I did it. And I've remained to stay completely chaste.

I know the sacrifices I've made. And why I've made them. More importantly, the fruits and love that will blossom when I get married.

I guess there's always time for an XBOX 360 achievement ;) Here was mine.

Will Powaaa!!

The truth is, Zina has always been fighting away at full force. I've remained to stay untouched. Taking all kinds of precautions. But the truth is I'm not waiting around for it to sting me.

And this is why I've reopened The Quest.