Introducing New Tests And Rewards

Part 2

I needed that awakening, that reminder of making peace with imperfection.

The need of dependency, perfection and the desire for inner tranquillity. Right there? That's a conflict. In my mind, I always expected things to happen in a certain way and somewhere along the line... I expected it to be better than it should; by definition, it was a losing battle. Earlier, I discovered that when you rely on people, you set yourself out to be disappointed. I made peace with this idea. I also made peace with the idea that some people have it worse. I started to appreciate all those things we all take for granted. A sense of gratitude started flooding in. I was grateful for having the gift of life. The ability to think independently. A 20/20 vision. All my limbs intact. And that invincible determination to succeed.

It was time to play. I was feeling all game.

I started checking out different organisations. There were a number of  new companies. One caught my eye. "The best premium car manufacturer in the world." Those words struck a melodic chord. I wanted in, at all costs. It seemed every other male in UK wanted it too. But I wanted it more than all of them. This was my ticket out of everything.

There's that point in Uni life where every brown person makes good friends with a white person, at some point of their course. Then there may come a time where like every other friend... they step out of line.

[Cue a lame discussion..] - "SoulSeek, I didn't apply there. Like you've got a chance?" The words wasn't the issue. It was the condescending tone. No one has ever spoken to me like that. It was insulting. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. It stung.

I let it slide, just like that. Why? Afterall, he became the person that gave me the push I needed.
 
I wasn't wrong when I thought the competition would be somewhat ridiculous. Everyone was getting rejected. Left, right and centre. Their rejection emails notified them that over 1400 people had applied for the position. My confidence quivered but I kept faith. So what if it doesn't work out? I felt confident that my skillset and people skills would be competative. But I needed to be more. I had to somehow put that in my application form. I put in some serious hours and effort. I completed my application form. I needed to seal the deal.

I made a promise to Allah. A promise that later defined our relationship. One of trust and love. 

I waited patiently and I continued dealing with my other issues. I didn't get back anything from the company. It had been a while, so I took it as a rejection. I was then invited for an interview at another company in Cambridge. It was just me and another student. It was one of the highest paid placements in the University, arguably in the country. The preparation had put my competition game up, a wise investment. I accepted the interview.

New year came. It was stupid o'clock in the and I received an email about 2am.

"SoulSeek, accept my apologies for not getting back to you. The competition has been fierce for this one position. There's been over 1400 candidates who applied. Are you still interested in this position?" 

When I read this. I had a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was a warm, warm feeling. A feeling of hope. You know when you see something and even before knowing more about it, you make that decision in pouring every ounce of effort into it. This was it, this was the one. The one that I would give my all. After exchanging a few emails we arranged a telephone interview. I had 2 days to prepare. In front of a panel of 3.

Prep wasn't going well. My confidence was about as convincing as a boy breaking his voice during puberty. Doubts kept flooding in. Like what are the chances of a muslim getting in or a street boy?

I locked myself up in my room for the 2 days. I prepared intensively. More than any exam I've prepared for.

Came interview day. It was more serious than I had imagined. The 3 interviewees meant serious business. First was an expat from a European country who was in charge of the department for the whole of UK for 3 big car brands. Second, a logistical technology manager. Third, the guy who I would be worker under - A pro in my field. Crap, my chances of blagging would have no place. I was interrogated and I was interrogated hard from all three of them. They picked my CV apart. I talked about some of developments. I was honest and I was transparent. Answers just kept confidently flowing.

It was finally over. And I was put on hold.

"Hello.... SoulSeek?" the third guy said. "Yes?" I answered. "We like you. We would like to spend the day with you. To see if the company is for you and whether you're for us. How does that sound?"

I felt a silent breeze. "Are you [..] Are you offering me the job?" I asked. "Pretty much, we just need to sort out the budgeting and get you on the systems and see your capabilities in action. From our discussion, I think you can do it." Lights started flashing in front of my eyes, and before I knew it: *this* kicked off in my head.

I went to the interview. 150 miles away from home. I remember that feeling, when I arrived at the plant. It was humongously ginormous! 5,000 associates. Cars being made by funky robots. I felt like a kid. I now knew what the children felt like when they won the golden ticket to Willy Wonkas' factory. It was everything I had hoped for it to be. I aced the challenges put in front of me. And strangely enough, it seemed that my ability to speak German paid off.

I got the call. And the job was mine. The trump card was mine. Oh, It was all so worth it.

Meanwhile at uni, things were turning around. I remember the bounce slowly starting to come back into my step. Scraping passes became a thing of the past. On one of the largest final projects, I received 95%.  "You bloody deserve this and congrats on the job. Do yourself proud." said the module leader

That's exactly what I did.  

Moving away. For the first time in 19 years of my life. Seriously fun times were ahead. My car took us through some crazy adventures. I made up for those years I missed out on. Everything was about to go uphill from here.

Learning how to fend for myself was absolutely essential. You don't really ever know who you are until you have struggled. You have to feel hunger. You have to get on with difficult people. You have to sleep on the floor. You have to cook. You have to clean the toilet for the first time in your life. You have to get on with strangers. You have to run colours in the wash and ruin your favourite tops. You have to mix with people to survive in unthinkable situations - To lose that innocence and naivety. To learn what its like "out there" and you can only achieve that by throwing yourself in uncomfortable places and learning to get by without support.

These difficulties taught me to appreciate small things. My love for my family increased. My dislikes decreased. I was becoming an all round better person.It was lovely to be around people who loved me and supported me regardless but it was important for me to know that I could get by without that.

I LOVED Season 1 of Prison Break. Russel Crowe's The Next Three Days was a great movie. Albeit both being somewhat far fetched, they both have something in common. They're both about a guy setting out to do something with conviction and doing it with an unshaken sense of will. Bravo. They do what many great men before our times have done.

In reality, life isn't that much different. We're in control of making our choices. We choose to be great people.

I was becoming more intelligent. My wisdom was increasing. My development was going through that golden era. I started making a lot of decision. Things, I never thought of. It was crazy, scary, wild - I couldn't decide which one took precedence. I decided to test my philosophy of having the ability to do a-n-y-thing I want. Anything. I took on many new challenges. I acquired a number of talents. One of the challenges I set out to accomplish was to take up a sport that I was always intrigued by.

Remember the part when I let my self go? I was fat. I looked hideous. Appearance? Non-existent. Sex rank? A generous 4. Saying it feels horrible.

I boxed for 8 years in my earlier years. It was a giant disappointment. Just looking at myself. How can anyone let their self go so bad? This had to change.

So, I set out to educate myself.  I wanted to be good at this sport. I gave it a shot. Left my ego and pride at the door. I started training.

In a year I got rid of 4 stones of fat. Even things like waiting in a que at a groceries store would feel different. When you aimlessly look around the magazine's shelf, see the front cover of a men's training magazine and smile. Smile because you look like that too. Out with the old and in with the new.

The hair changed.  Stylish.
New wardrobe. Check.
Dress sense. Class.
Body. Guys looking and commenting, creepy but strangely flattering. 
Beard. Masha'Allah.
Appearance. Looking sharp.
 
Almost everyone would fail to recognise me. As for the sport? I continued. I was getting good. It never crossed my mind that in the future... I could be competing for Britain this year.

My sex appeal was starting to rocket. However, I had no idea that something so good and positive was about to become one of my biggest tests. It be wouldn't long before man's greatest desire would present itself, at force.
 
Then, it happened. The day Zina walked through my door. Super tight dress. She was dressed to impress. And every single part in my body was physically attracted to her.

That.

That, I could NOT control.

Part 4