Friday, 19 November 2010

And Then There Was. . . . NINE!

I thought getting over Aisha wouldn't prove to be very difficult. I wrong. Very wrong. I had too many how and why questions come up but I really didn't know. One fact that I did know, is that it happened. I had to accept it, and deal with it. Oh, move on too. 

We share a lot of mutual contacts/friends, so her name would always pop up somewhere. I just kept being reminded of her. It was starting to bug me. I tried detach myself of all emotions and feelings. I started to get somewhere.

Since June options had started to surface. I felt quite bitter about everything related to marriage. I just did. I didn't want to pursue anyone. I heard about a few girls interested but I just let it be.

I had told myself that I would now officially be 'riding this single crap out'. (T-shirt material! Hah)

In our lives we're sent with difficulties. At times I felt like I was my threshold kept being broke with something more severe. The whole marriage process just didn't compliment my reality.

So, I gave up on the whole idea of marriage. Lost the complete drive for it. Walking in the streets seeing girls smiling. Muslims and Non-Muslims. My response? Devoid of any feelings or emotions. It was here it hit me. I was lost. Really lost. 10 months ago I was this guy that was Confident. Intelligent. Laid back. Determined. Helpful. Humorous. Full of so much positive energy and hope. With a smile that would make most peoples' day. The majority of that had just sunk.

I've always been regular with my prayer, dawah and classes. They keep me in check, so I can never skimp on them. Whether or not we like it suffering is a part of life. Friends were there but there are times you just don't want to talk. This was one of them. I turned to that one deity I knew best. Allah. Nothing happened for a long time. Things were becoming progressively more difficult. I had to keep my cool, when you become worked up, it doesn't make a situation easier. 

We verily created man and We know what his soul whispereth to him, and We are nearer to him than his jugular vein. [Surah Qhaf:V16]

I kept patient. And more patient. Now check this out.

The opportunity for Umrah arises. I take it without thinking about it. Time to reset myself and reflect on what had happened. 5 weeks. Perfect and beautiful. 

I come back from Umrah. I see smiling faces. Hundreds of them. Friends and family so happy and proud of me. I looked after a number of old people including my two mothers (mum and aunty). They're all so thankful and full of duas.

I graduate too. The only guy to make it from our family. A big, big deal. Again, so many people proud and happy for me.

"You've accomplished a lot for your age. When are you taking the next big step. Marriage?" Almost everyone would ask a question along these lines. Ah, yes. I remember you. The one thing I used to be psyched up about. Well I wasn't feeling so hot about it. I'd always respond with something as short as "Insha'Allah".

One sister contacted me. 'There's this sister who's been on your case for months but I knew you didn't want to consider anyone but she wants a response.' This sister masha'Allah had a lot going for her. Masters degree in Arabic, meant to be nice etc. And I felt that I couldn't consider her. For a number of issues at that moment in time.

I was surprised to find that I had a number of proposals/potentials lined up. There was 9. That's right 9. A very mixed bag of sweets. From a niqaabi/alima to a non-hijaabi. There would have been more on my plate but I managed to convince my teachers that now wasn't the best time.

My sister caught wind of this and so did my friends. I got hell of a blasting all round.

And they all said something similar.

"Allah (swt) may provide you with something good. And that opportunity may never rise again."

I had no come back. Because it's true. They were also right. Who gets 9 in this day and age? 

I found answers. In a good financial position. I know better than before what I want. I am becoming better than that guy 10 months ago. So what's stopping me?


Drum rolls please! 

I had to start again. I know how I ended up in the position I was and that will not happen again. A surge full of energy. I was returning. Better and stronger than before. More mature. Responsible. All the things I used to be 10 months ago, plus more. 

Turn your wounds into wisdom. [Oprah Winfrey]

So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected. 

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Hmm. It Is What It Is.

Aisha dropped me a message. Just out of the blue. After a long time. "Random, I know but I was just wondering how you were?"

Kept my response short and simple. She said the reason she dropped me a message, was whilst she was clearing her emails she comes across a few from me and she wanted to know how I was doing. And also to apologise.

"I often feel bad. Please forgive me." She said.

That's deep.

Of course I forgive you. Whatever happened, happened. I want you to be happy and I do care for you. I choose not to stay in touch for the greater good. No other reason.

"I hope Allah has replaced with someone better?"

I didn't respond. Allahu Allam.

'It is what it is . . . ' - A killer street saying if I ever heard one.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Eid Mubarak

I just wanted to wish you all a very heart warming Eid Mubarak!

 #34 - A Muslim pilgrim prays at the top of Noor Mountain, on the outskirts of Mecca, Saudi Arabia on Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010. (AP Photo/Hassan Ammar) 

Whilst I'm here I would really like to thank everyone who have taken the time to comment and email me as of recent. It means a lot to me. Ah.. I love you all!

I'd like to share one of the greatest photography sets I've ever seen. The theme is Hajj 2010. As a keen photographer, I have to say WOW!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

A Glimpse Of What's To Come

Dark, dull rainy days. I never liked them. Ever since I was a child. Mum would always force us to go school if we wanted to get somewhere in life.

I always thought to myself I would be like my friends whilst growing up. At 10 years old you tend to think success is based around having a fast car and being able to buy anything you want. I was going to be successful without selling drugs or doing 'bad things' to get there.

When I took that route at a young age, I found that I wasn't with the same friends. I lost nearly all of them. I was always the most popular boy at school. So it was always quite difficult to find that 'balance'.

At home it wasn't much different. My mum was the only other family member that prayed. We wasn't given that luxury of a great upbringing. Father would work several jobs to ensure we lived comfortably. And alhamdulillah - we did. However, we were just thrown into mosque and taught a very negative Islam. My friends would regularly miss mosque to go and drive stolen cars or meet up with girls.

I went through a lot of difficult phases in my (short) life. I grew up in the ghetto. Where the chances of survival by being good were virtually non-existent. The 'religious' folks were a bunch of hypocritical nutters. I used to ask myself why are Muslims are so unfair? At times I found non Muslims more accepting than some Muslims. Something was obviously wrong.

Since then I've been out to set the record straight. Present. I came back to asking myself a similar questions.  This time more serious.

What am I doing with myself? What do I really want in life? How will I achieve it?

I don't want to be amongst these dysfunctional people. I've witnessed a lot in my very short years. I've met some very amazing Muslims. On the contrary, I've met many scary ones.

Islam came as a mercy to mankind. As a guidance. We're responsible and accountable for this responsibility.

So here is what I've doing. I moved back in life. Re-assessed everything. My family. My friends. My belief (deen). I feel I found my deen last time I took a step back but I can only reaffirm my beliefs. It's the reason why I've been off the blogging scene for a while too. I stopped spending a lot of time with friends too. In order to seek answers. I sought seclusion. And it worked.

I am setting out to seek happiness and understanding. Because the world belongs to the energetic. Energy and persistence conquer all things. The real difference between people is energy and understanding. A strong will, a settled purpose, an invincible determination, can accomplish almost anything; and in this lies the distinction between great people and little people. If you ever want something just . . don't give up. Fight for it.

A man must find happiness through understanding and possess a fine amount of self-esteem.

A woman is an integral part of this because for we (men), were once dependant upon a woman to raise us.

Somewhere along the line I fell down. I am standing back up. If anyone intends on becoming an obstacle. Good luck in that. NO ONE is bringing me down. I am out to seek answers.

Watch me do just that.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Brothers and Sisters.

SoulSeek is back with a mighty fine smile on his face. Oooo what's that? The dimples are back too!