The chapter of Aisha has settled. I decided it was important to stick to my guns and close contact. It's difficult to say goodbye in these situations but sometimes we have to do it for the sake of our own benefit.
Ah, that empty feeling all over again. I see why so many young muslims give in. A horrible feeling. Alhamdulillah. I feel like going to this one spot; gazing at the city and the stars. It's perfect for reflection but the weather has been terrible over this past week.
Whilst I want to spend more time with the brothers, I haven't really had the time to do so. It's time to reflect, make preparations and promises to Allah just like I did last year. Ramadhan is upon us.
I was just reading and reminiscing on the entry that I had wrote last year. The premise of kicking off this blog. The first experience. I'd like to ask myself something. Just one simple question. What on earth was I thinking? Seriously. I'm going to sit here and start a verbal tirade with myself. I understand and see my justification but just reflecting back and looking at everything, at face value. Wow. I'm not afraid to say it. I was an idiot. Allahu Akbar. What did I see in her? She could bring me absolutely nothing.
The biggest mistake you can make is to be always right. Wise people sometimes change their mind, fools never do.
It just goes to show that no matter how intelligent and educated you are, there are some things that one can never account for. Experience.
A terrible decision on my part. Just comparing to say, the likes of Husna, the difference apart is day and night. Subhaan'allah. Moving back to my home city, I didn't quite realise how much better I could do. In every single department. The most important being deen. I have to just laugh at myself. Even my sister had a good laugh at my expense. "My brother, what were you thinking? Firstly, you idiot, you almost compromised the fundamentals of what you believed in. Secondly, ewww." I thought that was pretty harsh but fair. She continued "We all have to go through this stage to realise what we want". I can't disagree there big sis.
I really forgot my value. I forgot what I could achieve. I forgot how important this decision was.
However, my creator. My sustainer. My provider. Allah, had answered my dua's without me realising. A wonderful example of istikharaa working. When we do the dua, we ask Allah. We ask Allah for help and guidance. Surely he delivers.
We ask him:
"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."
So glad tidings to you all. A reminder, an important message to share. This goes out, first and foremost to myself. Don't despair. Don't be impatient. Don't forget your value. Allah is always listening. Remember your vision. Your vision for the dunya, your children and the life after. Understand that Allah never forsakes a believer. Learn from my experiences and my errors. Granted, sometimes you have to experience this for yourself but that doesn't stop you from preparing.
I pray that Allah helps us in becoming more patient and steadfast. For he too, wants the best for us; just like the women that give birth to us.