Monday, 12 December 2011

Confusion Hits Home - Entry 10

I sat there collecting my thoughts on the prayer mat. An hour passed and I realised I still needed to do my Witr.  I've been occupying myself so much, it's starting to show. Zeal is the most inefficient source of energy to run on. It always leads to failure.

Mon-Fri I fit in a total of 15 classes in addition to full time work, commitments and obligations. That's 5 tafsir classes, 5 tajweed lessons and 5 gym sessions. I don't sleep a great deal these days as you can imagine. 

I sat there thinking where do I go from here? All those road maps I planned out, all those refined ideas, where are they going? This is where it begins.

What if you had something to share with the world. Something that no young Muslim has done before. These brilliantly amazing ideas spinning out in all forms, shapes and sizes. Islamically you feel inclined to offer something just to bring you closer to Allah. As a human being you have something to offer the world. As a fellow engineer, a sparkling fresh entrepreneur. Which route do you take? Or more importantly, can I achieve all of these?

Is it wrong to keep all these things to yourself? A simple, humble life - It's a nice idea.

I'm stuck because I have nobody to speak to. Nobody that can offer me value. Some of your friends still find console games the most entertaining thing in the world. Some of your friends have confined themselves just to the masjid and lack the ability to bring their academic skills in line with their deen. Others that just like talking and not doing. Then there are those who you are unable to get through to because they have their own struggles. And so on.

I have a great deal of thoughts. I am severely unfulfilled. I can't help but feel what I'm doing right now just isn't enough. There's a number of things I can throw out there and identify what this lack of fulfilment is but there's so much more to it than that.

I can't do istikhara. I have nothing to do it on.

Here's a funny thought. If I'm finding it difficult to connect with my friends and my peers. This leaves my chances in finding an understanding and reassuring wife next to nada. Ha.

The quest has completely dried up. I no longer know how and where to look.

All this? It's going to be a really difficult one. I've never been to this place before. I'm just totally, unquestionably, categorically and absolutely unsure.

Severely un-ful-filled. I'd like to see you get out of this one.


  1. You should try matrimonial sites. There are many serious sisters there. inshaAllah, you might find her. Just be careful in making sure they are legit. You can do that easily. Your blogger readers are making dua for you as well. InshaAllah you find what you are looking for.

    This is a video you might like:


  3. Ah Sounds so familiar. lol. I think I'm going through the same thing you are. haha..

    I've reached that point recently as well and reading your post really got to me as I felt like i could relate to it so much. That feeling of not being able to connect wiht anyone? Been there. Feeling lost and alone in a crowd of people? Done that. Why? All because of what I wanted to fufill...the dreams and aspirations I wanted... and their were pretty big... things. Millions of plans and ideas. They motivated me Islamically... and the ideas brought out a fierce passion in me that I can't really describe to you.

    I told one person I really plans. And they shut me down. Shut me down hard. I was left with my heart crushed. My insipiration dead... I guess because I was expecting them to agree with me... and when they didn't it felt like a slap in the face.

    I've begun keeping things to myself. But as you already know... that's not enough. You feel like your cheating yourself and others out of something amazing.

    I've done this revising thing where I've literally scheduled my ideas for "a later time". Only because of certain expectations and circumstances.

    With you..the way I see it is you have nothing holding you back. Or maybe you do... I don't know that well...but I'm telling you to go for it. Because honestly what are you waiting for? Whose to guarrantee you'll live to see another day?

    You won't know if you can acheive it unless you try.

    Believe me, there's nothing worse than wanting to do something but not being able to because of certain circumstances. Soul Seek, If you have the opportunity...don't let it go to waste. Sit there and plan out some more. Then maybe you'll find out why your feeling so unfufilled. Get to the root of your problem. Do some soul-searching.

    Sometimes, you can't look to others for answers but look for them within yourself. I looked to another person and was left utterly broken.

    As for the wifey quest? All in due time. Allah's time.

    Besides who says you have to reassure wife? Why can't wife reassure you. She should be able to offer you something as well. :)

    Hope this helped as I literally posted a blog post on YOUR blog. =.="

    ps. Absolutely Unsure...hmmm.. now where have I heard that before. haha. :)

  4. Bro, I've been reading this blog since you posted a link on Islamicaweb. From what I've read you seem to in my opinion, over think and over analyse everything. The 'ultra-pious' phase (yes it's a phase) will pass, been there done that. I'm not trying to knock you for your religious zeal, or for trying to achieve your dreams and ambitions, but moderation in the things that you do is key! Relax, and go with the flow, let things happens to you, rather than trying to make them happen all the time. Also a few hours with your buddies playing some 'console games' wouldn't hurt either. You need to balance your ideals with the cold harsh reality of this world. As long as you maintain a healthy dose of perspective, you'll do fine. Otherwise, you risk the prospect of crashing and burning. Take it from me, I know.

  5. You can do anything and be anything you want to be. It just takes time.

    One step at a time dude. Went through it too for the last six months. Take a step back. You need sleep to function properly. You need to eat properly and you need to do things which you enjoy outside of all your commitments. Sometimes you need to say no instead of trying to do everything for everyone else. Make time for yourself to 'pamper' yourself haha you know what I mean by that. We get so bogged down into routine that you do feel like you've shut down and become unfulfilled.

    Once you've sorted out your hectic lifestyle, go back to your plans.

    Complications I love your post sis but we all need someone to talk to sometimes. We're humans, we're social animals and we need to talk. If someone has shut you down - maybe there's a reason for it? Sometimes other people can see things where we fail to see them? Maybe that wasn't the right person to go to? The people we trust are not always the ones who come through for you in the end. Maybe this is all part of Allah's (swt) plan? With every hardship, there is ease? Yes. You can do everything you want one step at a time.

    SS The offer is always there if you need it dude.

  6. Also agree with BK27 completely.

  7. @SI: Your absolutely right. But I feel particularly at this time... I need to find something within myself first. Re-think. Re-plan. Find out what went wrong? Go from there.

    Reserving myself is part of the planning process in self-development. One can only know where their going if they know what they want, who they are, and who they want to tell things to. I believe personally only then.. can they turn to others for advice once more and like you said; maybe the person I trusted wasn't the one to come through for me.

    Perhaps there was a reason for it. But I think for one to crush one's entire ideas so flatly without even giving them a chance to speak is hardly a reason.

    Absolutely! Allah's test is a great one. And one that we all should try to pass. :)

  8. Sometimes the more you want something, the more it eludes you.
    It will come to you when you least expect it, and when Allah SWT decrees it is your time.

  9. I don't know what else to add to what SI and xcomplicationsx said. I know that feeling where you have a lot of plans/dreams that seem easy to fulfil in theory and you KNOW it is you who has to do them,you're stuck in a bubble and not budging forward and it's hard :( This motivates me though.

    Cheer up!. Now. That's better :-) One step at a time.

  10. Assalamu alaykum The journey is sometimes too long and too hard. but inshaAllah there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  11. Thank you very much for posting this, this coverage was completely absent from the Philadelphia Inquirer and the Philly Daily News. Incredible.