Saturday, 25 September 2010
After the last ordeal, I'm in the process of trying to pick myself up and move on. It was a lot more difficult than I imagined. The long sleepless nights. Against your will. Reflecting. Thinking about the smallest and stupidest of things.
Sometimes one just becomes preoccupied in just 'living'. The opportunity of taking some true quality time out to think doesn't present itself. It didn't for me anyhow.
Umrah did a lot for me. It restored my faith in a lot of areas. It provided me with the time, space to think and reflect. Medina was the definition of tranquility. I can't describe my love for Makkah and Medina. It was an experience of a lifetime. I met some amazing people there.
I found answers.
The last 12 months of my life have been indescribable. I've learnt so much about myself. I've also had some of the best moments of my life. I've also faced some of the most difficult ones. It's safe to say that this period defined me as a person. The latter few months were an emotional rollercoaster. This part, I had difficulties in understanding and dealing with. I was never much of an emotional person. I did find it hard to deal with some feelings I hadn't experienced before. Ah well, It's all a part of the experience.
In Makkah and Medina this topic, this topic of girls and marriage found its way everywhere I went. From shop keepers to qur'an hafiz's. Even with people who didn't speak the same language! They would ask by using gestures to ask if I was married like pointing at the ring finger. How ironic. This topic always crept up.
Bringing all this back. My zeal for marriage has pretty much gone. I want to, and I see the importance of it. But I've hit that point in my life where it's time to take a back seat. I've had enough of it.
That energy and attitude I once used to have for this subject is no more.
If a good potential crops up I won't dismiss her but at this moment in time it seems the girls I'm attracting are those that are scared of commitment. I want to get on with things without this becoming the center of attention. This is how it should have always been. There should never be a time where you should exhaust your efforts. As there is generally never a 'right time'.
So here I am. A free soul. Somewhat emotionally distraught. Going with the flow. This is not me giving up. This is me taking a step back. Striving in becoming the man I'm destined to be. A good man. I've seen what it means to be good and I've put it into practice. I have no care or fear of the unseen nor the future of the unseen. I have genuine belief that Allah's roadmap is far better than mine.
Sometimes. Just sometimes. Maybe you don't have to try so hard.
Here. Now. A new chapter begins. Alone with nothing but faith. Nothing but faith. I will succeed Insha'allah. A strong and positive attitude goes a long way. I know, I've done it before.