Saturday, 30 January 2010

Dangers Of Falling In Love

A reader dropped me a line seeking some advice on how to deal with falling in love and mending a broken heart. The following entries are dedicated to them and those who are facing these difficulties.

 It does indeed under the right circumstances. 

As practising Muslims in the west, many of us haven't been close to people of the opposite gender. So we have no idea what it feels like to fall for someone properly. There's the teenage crush stage and then there's the "oh my . . she could actually be my wife!". When one begins to pursue a potential spouse sometimes we get that that stage of feeling too close, too soon. You know what I'm talking about . .  that weird feeling of butterfly's in your stomach and not forgetting the cheesy grin.

It's perfectly normal to have these feelings. Allah (swt) put this instinct inside all of us. However, Allah (swt) also told us how to regulate and deal with these feelings appropriately 

The Danger
It's all fine and dandy whilst things are well, til the two suitors hit a hurdle. We begin to become really excited when we hit a number of strikes on the spot.

Personality - Check. Deen - Check. Sense of humour - Check. Mutual attraction - Check. Way of thinking - Cheeeeeck! Cha-chingggg! I'm in love <3.

Parents - They refuse to accept this family due to [...] reason.

Here's the dilemma. There are issues beyond our control on either side such as; parents who refuse to accept a spouse who isn't of the same colour/race/caste.

Each situation must be judged according to its own circumstances. Sometimes we have to drop the most ideal suitor due to issues beyond our control. When this happens,  you feel like you're unable to move on with your life. It becomes a daunting prospect. 

You feel a sense of failure, hopelessness and resentment. Failure because you thought you would both make a great item but due to one of the issues things just can't move forward. The whole 'all guys are losers' or 'all women are heartless', 'I failed once and I will always fail'. Hopelessness that you may never be able to fall for someone again. You feel it's not worth the heartache. Resentment because of issues outside of your control. Say your parents did not approve, you will possess some kind of resentment for their decisions.

Don't Become A Victim
The easiest way out of this dilemma is to avoid being in that position in the first place.

When you feel you're becoming more emotional than rational. Take some time out in communicating with the potential suitor. This is perfectly acceptable. Come to an agreement with the person you're communicating with, in order to take time out in order to 'reset' yourself.

You know yourself better than anyone. Experiment. See what works for you. I personally find lying down and contemplating, works for me. Read some Qur'an/Material relevant to your circumstances.

Be one step ahead. Know your boundaries. Keep it formal. Make sure you set the precedence when you begin the initial stage of getting to know someone. Understand that Allah (swt) has preordained your partner. If it is meant to be no one can change that. You must just go out seek your spouse to the best of your ability. Put up a good battle and know that you tried to tie the camel to the best of your ability.

If it doesn't work out, it is usually for the best; even though we may not be able to accept that at the time. 

Control your feelings before they get the better of you; only to send you down that emotional rollercoaster of pain. 

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Disappearing act update

First of all, apologies to my readers. I'd like to thank those whom emailed me to check the status of my welfare :)

So much has happened over the past couple of months. I've been ridiculously busy and been working hard with dawah, university amongst other commitments.

I've picked up so much knowledge on the arena of marriage. It's such a hot topic at uni and it's really interesting hearing individual accounts on their journey to marriage. Attended a really interesting marriage conference and I made a horde of notes ^.^

I'm currently in the process of looking into a potential and alhamdulillah, things appear good. Extremely intelligent and pious. Personalities and Islamic concepts match. I can't really talk too much about it at at this moment in time. But please keep me in your duas Insha'Allah!

The bad news is, the next few months of blogging will be fairly slow but Insha'Allah I'll try my best to keep up the quality of content.