Introducing Zina

Part 3

Accommodation was a struggle. I spent two months look for an apartment/house with Muslims. That didn't work out, it wasn't a great surprise, the Muslim community was dead. The best compromise I managed to find was a quiet place with a shared communal bathroom and kitchen with non-Muslims.

Whenever there were planned parties and barbecues, I would prepare in advance to avoid these. Away for the weekend with the brothers or going home. It worked in keeping me away from the sinful stuff. With prior notice arrangements would always be made. However, there would be those situations that you just cannot prepare for. And this was one of them situations.

A regular Jummah. Casual dress at work, half a day. That Friday feeling of attending Jummah straight after work and hanging with a few boys. Hitting the gym, showering  and then cooking a fresh meal from the ground up. Eating and then doing the dishes.

Night time approached and I was getting ready to kick back for the night. 

It was usually quiet around that time as the flat mates were always out on a Friday night. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and finish cleaning up. En route to the kitchen, that over powering smell hit me of sweet, sweet perfume. I did not expect the source of that smell to be present. Women.  

Enter fitna. Making small talk with the guys whilst putting away a few things and she just came up and introduced herself.  One of my flatmates exclaimed "Yo soulseek lets go out tonight, you never come out with us" I resorted to excuse #47 in the western muslim excuse book and I found a cue to excuse myself.

I got back to my room and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was. She was my kryptonite. And it hurt me hard. In on a Friday night, always coming up with the same old excuses. Feeling crap whilst they're all going out to have a laugh. Sucks. Really does. Tough - It's the life of a believer, I thought.
 
Still struck by this girl's beauty, the penny dropped "It's time to start looking into marriage."

I was waiting for them to leave so I could get my laundry.

It was just then I saw my door open. And there she was. My desire. My fitna. Beautiful from top to bottom. With that gleaming smile. And she was in MY bedroom. Nothing came out of my mouth. In complete awe.

"Hey, get dressed! You're coming out with me" she said. Lame book reflex #96 kicked in "Sorry, I have to be up early tomorrow" she looked at me with those bright blue eyes "On a Saturday?" I have a great poker face but my lying skills? They're awful. I didn't convince her.

"Wow, I love your room!" she exclaimed, walking around and touching things. She sat on my bed. Close proximity.

Enter dopamine. The neurotransmitter responsible for attraction. Attraction isn't a choice, I couldn't help notice the details.

Playing with her hair.
The eye contact of those deep blue eyes.
That smile.
Her body orientated towards me.
The (lack of) clothes.
Her drawing in closer to me.

I couldn't understand what had happened. Its like I had forgotten everything. My mind went completely blank. I had been in a lot of situations but the proximity of this one. I was stuck.

Intoxicating levels of testosterone paired up with dopamine. Agitated feelings. I could not control my feelings. The one way flirting she doing was like an addictive drug. She liked me. She was the fix to whatever drug I was deprived of.

Somewhere in that blank mind of mine, a few brain cells merged together and they started transmitting a signal. A signal of guilt. I started to analyse damage control and calculations of risk assessment. The conversation in my head that would decide the outcome. "Dude, have you seen how fiiiiine this girl is?" "Come on this will only be your first 'mistake' you're as clean as they come." "You don't have to go the whole hog, just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing will happen. You're strong like that."

Too much was happening in my head. "I'll be back, going to the kitchen" I said.

I had entered the matrix. It seems in those couple of minutes, I'm convinced that I slowed down time. I broke things down and continued with the risk assessment. One thing was for sure, I could not control the chemicals in my body. These urges were making me think of the unthinkable.

I've always had this philosophy of all or nothing. Shaytaan came in as the voice of reason "Just go out, you don't have to do anything. Zina's far fetched thing man, you can control yourself." Come on, man up! I thought.

I made my way back to the room.

I sat in my chair, she moved closer. "We're gonna set off, lets go" I got up with her and I walked her to my door.

"Sorry, I won't be coming."

She looked at me. "You sure? We could have so much fun!"

I declined and I closed the door after her.

I put my forehead against the door in defeat and all I could repeat was "You idiot."
I locked the door. "You're going to regret that for the rest of your life." I thought. I dropped the dead lock and I turned my back against the door.

Stood there just frustrated and angry. I had never felt like this.

Unable to move for a while. I helplessly climbed on my bed and momentarily crouched in that ever so vulnerable position. The one I believe babies are born in the womb of their mothers. Utterly useless and helpless. Then staring at the ceiling for hours.

Shaytaan was having so much fun. "Pathetic loser. Here's your reward for being good. No one's watching and no one cares. This is why you're alone."

I didn't sleep the whole night. I remember just lying there questioning everything. Angry, confused and awfully frustrated. It was 4am and they strolled in. Pissed out of their heads. Giggling, laughing, girls screaming and the sound of stilettos.

It was exactly at this point, I understood what my struggle would become. I truly understood the concept of whatever leads to haraam, is haraam in itself. It made much more sense after this experience and in application. When your tempted by your desires, those strong desires. There does come that point of no return. Zina. I don't know how but I did it. And I've remained to stay completely chaste.

I know the sacrifices I've made. And why I've made them. More importantly, the fruits and love that will blossom when I get married.

I guess there's always time for an XBOX 360 achievement ;) Here was mine.

Will Powaaa!!

The truth is, Zina has always been fighting away at full force. I've remained to stay untouched. Taking all kinds of precautions. But the truth is I'm not waiting around for it to sting me.

And this is why I've reopened The Quest.