Monday, 18 July 2011

Introducing Zina

Part 3

Accommodation was a struggle. I spent two months look for an apartment/house with Muslims. That didn't work out, it wasn't a great surprise, the Muslim community was dead. The best compromise I managed to find was a quiet place with a shared communal bathroom and kitchen with non-Muslims.

Whenever there were planned parties and barbecues, I would prepare in advance to avoid these. Away for the weekend with the brothers or going home. It worked in keeping me away from the sinful stuff. With prior notice arrangements would always be made. However, there would be those situations that you just cannot prepare for. And this was one of them situations.

A regular Jummah. Casual dress at work, half a day. That Friday feeling of attending Jummah straight after work and hanging with a few boys. Hitting the gym, showering  and then cooking a fresh meal from the ground up. Eating and then doing the dishes.

Night time approached and I was getting ready to kick back for the night. 

It was usually quiet around that time as the flat mates were always out on a Friday night. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and finish cleaning up. En route to the kitchen, that over powering smell hit me of sweet, sweet perfume. I did not expect the source of that smell to be present. Women.  

Enter fitna. Making small talk with the guys whilst putting away a few things and she just came up and introduced herself.  One of my flatmates exclaimed "Yo soulseek lets go out tonight, you never come out with us" I resorted to excuse #47 in the western muslim excuse book and I found a cue to excuse myself.

I got back to my room and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was. She was my kryptonite. And it hurt me hard. In on a Friday night, always coming up with the same old excuses. Feeling crap whilst they're all going out to have a laugh. Sucks. Really does. Tough - It's the life of a believer, I thought.
Still struck by this girl's beauty, the penny dropped "It's time to start looking into marriage."

I was waiting for them to leave so I could get my laundry.

It was just then I saw my door open. And there she was. My desire. My fitna. Beautiful from top to bottom. With that gleaming smile. And she was in MY bedroom. Nothing came out of my mouth. In complete awe.

"Hey, get dressed! You're coming out with me" she said. Lame book reflex #96 kicked in "Sorry, I have to be up early tomorrow" she looked at me with those bright blue eyes "On a Saturday?" I have a great poker face but my lying skills? They're awful. I didn't convince her.

"Wow, I love your room!" she exclaimed, walking around and touching things. She sat on my bed. Close proximity.

Enter dopamine. The neurotransmitter responsible for attraction. Attraction isn't a choice, I couldn't help notice the details.

Playing with her hair.
The eye contact of those deep blue eyes.
That smile.
Her body orientated towards me.
The (lack of) clothes.
Her drawing in closer to me.

I couldn't understand what had happened. Its like I had forgotten everything. My mind went completely blank. I had been in a lot of situations but the proximity of this one. I was stuck.

Intoxicating levels of testosterone paired up with dopamine. Agitated feelings. I could not control my feelings. The one way flirting she doing was like an addictive drug. She liked me. She was the fix to whatever drug I was deprived of.

Somewhere in that blank mind of mine, a few brain cells merged together and they started transmitting a signal. A signal of guilt. I started to analyse damage control and calculations of risk assessment. The conversation in my head that would decide the outcome. "Dude, have you seen how fiiiiine this girl is?" "Come on this will only be your first 'mistake' you're as clean as they come." "You don't have to go the whole hog, just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing will happen. You're strong like that."

Too much was happening in my head. "I'll be back, going to the kitchen" I said.

I had entered the matrix. It seems in those couple of minutes, I'm convinced that I slowed down time. I broke things down and continued with the risk assessment. One thing was for sure, I could not control the chemicals in my body. These urges were making me think of the unthinkable.

I've always had this philosophy of all or nothing. Shaytaan came in as the voice of reason "Just go out, you don't have to do anything. Zina's far fetched thing man, you can control yourself." Come on, man up! I thought.

I made my way back to the room.

I sat in my chair, she moved closer. "We're gonna set off, lets go" I got up with her and I walked her to my door.

"Sorry, I won't be coming."

She looked at me. "You sure? We could have so much fun!"

I declined and I closed the door after her.

I put my forehead against the door in defeat and all I could repeat was "You idiot."
I locked the door. "You're going to regret that for the rest of your life." I thought. I dropped the dead lock and I turned my back against the door.

Stood there just frustrated and angry. I had never felt like this.

Unable to move for a while. I helplessly climbed on my bed and momentarily crouched in that ever so vulnerable position. The one I believe babies are born in the womb of their mothers. Utterly useless and helpless. Then staring at the ceiling for hours.

Shaytaan was having so much fun. "Pathetic loser. Here's your reward for being good. No one's watching and no one cares. This is why you're alone."

I didn't sleep the whole night. I remember just lying there questioning everything. Angry, confused and awfully frustrated. It was 4am and they strolled in. Pissed out of their heads. Giggling, laughing, girls screaming and the sound of stilettos.

It was exactly at this point, I understood what my struggle would become. I truly understood the concept of whatever leads to haraam, is haraam in itself. It made much more sense after this experience and in application. When your tempted by your desires, those strong desires. There does come that point of no return. Zina. I don't know how but I did it. And I've remained to stay completely chaste.

I know the sacrifices I've made. And why I've made them. More importantly, the fruits and love that will blossom when I get married.

I guess there's always time for an XBOX 360 achievement ;) Here was mine.

Will Powaaa!!

The truth is, Zina has always been fighting away at full force. I've remained to stay untouched. Taking all kinds of precautions. But the truth is I'm not waiting around for it to sting me.

And this is why I've reopened The Quest. 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. i just came across your blog and i love it. As a female, it's nice to view life as a Muslim from a male point of view. JazakAllah Kheir and keep posting brother.

  3. LOL, my last comment sounded weird. :P

    I'd just like to say that this post was really inspiring to me. I always meet people who are like uber muslim (extremely religious) and then I feel so guilty and evil. But hearing your story in a way reminded me that we're all human. I used to think that everyone who was pious had some sort of secret trick...and I was the loser who didn't know what it was. But I guess it's all just teaching yourself about self-control mixed in with faith.

    I have to just try harder!!!! >__<

    Thanks alot Soul Seek. :D

  4. Riham - Thank you for dropping by leaving your thoughts!

  5. Complications - What are we going to do with you? Absolutely. I learnt this when I hanged with Sheikhs on a more personal level. They seem like perfect examples of human beings, close to the ideals we see in the books. In real life, their struggles are much like our own. Just on a different scale.

    Remember the lil kid.. believe in yourself!

  6. oops. I thought you wouldn't see that part. ^ hahaha

  7. Wow.
    I have to say one thing: You always leave your readers dazzled and pondering. I agree with the person above, your posts always provide the reader with a little peek inside the Male brain, and it's quite interesting I must say lol!
    I guess that was more than just one thing. oops.

    Hope to read more soon! =) x

  8. Wow...i can imagine how difficult that must have been. Just being exposed to that kind of trial is hard enough – just the vision alone, having to see someone like that ni your environment. But to then have her flirting like that – that's like a million times more difficult.

    Your story reminds me of Prophet Yusuf a.s.'s encounter with the governer's wife. And I'm also reminded of the hadith about the seven under the shade of Allah on the Day of Judgement – one of them being a man who was tempted with zina, but refused.

    So, insha-Allah, that reward is yours.

    And I know how immensely difficult it can be when these temptations keep coming up; and you want it so bad – not necessarily every pretty little thing that comes along – but just that one, special, amazing person that you'll spend your life with, and fulfill those desires with.

    Patience is the name of the game for you. And again, I think you're doing very well – Alhamdullilah :)

  9. a very insightful account! guys defo have it harder than us girls in some aspects! May Allah reward you with all things good :-) AMEEN

  10. Im so very impressed. more so shocked dat i recently made a post about searching for a Muslim convert.. m a born muslim btw...
    i wudnt call u a muslim 'brother'.. dat wud be stupid..but i wud liek to get to know how u feel like going about ur quest for a muslim woman!

  11. I'm loving your blog brother. I feel you totally. Its tough. I am trying my best an am struggling everyday. Truth be told, I'm at that age where I need to find my best friend (aka: marriage). I've had someone in mind... actually scratch that. I've had someone in my mind for the past 10 years and have said no to some very attractive girls. She said no, she isn't interested, but that is because she really doesn't know who I really am. Or rather she does not have an accurate picture of who I am and I am sure if she saw who I was, we could possibly proceed. A question to all the lady readers:

    1. What would it take for a guy to become a part of your life? AND if you rejected someone, and they were really interested in pursuing a life with you, what would it take for that person to be a part of your life? One of my friends who got married said persistence is the key and that he got married to his wife by consistently trying to talk to her and that initially she hated him. However, once he went to her parents house, she completely opened up to him and married him. I don't know what I should do to be honest. Let me know what you guys all think!

  12. Yours Truly - I should implement a fine system for those that claim to say one thing but say two! *tut tut*

  13. Dreamlife - Shukran ya ikhwaan. Always speaking nothing but the whole truth as usual!

  14. whereartthoumuslimo - Great Dua and Ameen.

    Catgirl - I don't understand what you're trying to say?

  15. Anonymous - Drop me an email.

  16. ummm,... well i think i was pretty clear. i just want to know wat type of girl u like for marriage n how do u PLAN to find her?
    m also searching for a Muslim soulmate n i liked ur patience n control over yourself so thought of contacting u. that's it.

  17. That made more sense.

    That's the million dollar question. The answer is simple. I call it the click ;)

    As for how I plan to find her? This blog is the story of me doing that insha'Allah.

  18. All I have to say is mashallah.
    I'm totally proud of you. I don't know you but there you have it.
    May Allah bless you with all that you seek plus more!! and of course, may Allah make you worthy of her as well lool...just to be fair.

    big ups to all the bros out there...the struggle is real. But what is life in this Dunya without a little hardship?