Knocking On Hope's Door - Entry 5

He quickly identified 10 areas in my life and he gave me examples on how I've always came out on the top.

"Everything you do, you don't just do it well. You excel and come out at the top but for some reason, you keep banging your head on this door" He pointed to this big box - MARRIAGE. "It isn't opening. Something is up and we have to figure it out."

"You can't just walk away not wanting to get married. It's completely natural to feel what you're feeling. We have to get you married. Before you can move onto this other big box. Right?"

"Going back to what you began with, you said that you made a mistake with a prospect. Lets talk about that."
And we did. "She had everything I was looking for but here's what happened" I said.

"Shall we find out if she's still single?"

Is this guy serious? Hold on, he is. Give him that look man, give him that look! Damn, he didn't even flinch. He is actually dead serious about this. 

"I'll give you 5 reasons of why this is a bad idea" I said.

Whenever you play a physical sport such as football; and you just cannot penetrate the first line of defence. That frustration drives you wild, you'll find ways to barge into them and resort to dirty tactics but as soon as they regain possession of the ball you stick your leg out in hopes you'll touch the ball.

Mr P was the defender and everything I said, he refuted so subtly without trying. He made me realise that what she did and how she was reacting wasn't her being a complete pain. She was responding how any hurt person would.

"Do istikhara again because all these questions I just asked you. I was testing the waters, you still feel she is the best for you based on these reasons. Is right of me to assume that?"

I hesitated. Just tell him how it is Soul, just tell him how it is. ~ "Yes."

Veiled Rejections - Entry 4

Families will reject you based on your family. With no bearings on you. Infact they may even like you.

It's jahil, it's not from Islam and it certainly is not fair.

But that's life.

Mr P brought me to the realisation that years of my failures have been because of that very reason. From Husna straight through to the journalist. I was so busy looking at myself I forgot to take a peek on the outside.

The Animal Kingdom - Entry 3

Rage, Reason (lack of), dominance and not forgetting the infamous.. kill or be killed.

For those of you within the UK, frozen planet has been airing. If you haven't already watched it: *Clicky*. It's epic beyond proportion. The creation Allah (swt) is just flawless. A master behind unfathomable design. What intrigued me more was the animals. They inspired my title.

For years I've noticed a reoccurring theme in tafsir class. "He's a kafir!" "He's a kafir and here's my evidence!"

These guys are no better than the opposition. What they're preparing is religious ammunition. What they're doing is wrong. There's no getting through to stubbornness.

Yesterday in tafsir, 14 bodies present. A room full of raging testosterone. The times weren't working for me. I'm finishing towards midnight and I start work very early hours in the morning.

The other guys come late because of Gym, football and busy playing on Call Of Duty/Playstation throughout the whole night. I put my case across. No one said a word bar this one brother. This brother is known to be stubborn, reams of arrogance and he's an unreasonable guy.

He made it an issue. He continued to make matters worse with his sarcastic tone. He made it personal.

I have a thing against bullies. The whole room was sat there watching it go back and forth.

He's facing Mufti saab not even battering an eye lid "We all have responsibilities, he's not the only one."

One other student spoke up "It's not about that, he's working and you're not. Gym is flexible and work isn't. Be realistic."

Incoherent, lack of reasoning and going up in rage and arms. Strike 2. Words with ill intent.

What was a simple issue of timing he took matters to a whole new level. This is how fist fights in masjid have begun.

Come a couple of years ago. Brother, you don't speak like that if you have no intent of seeing them through until the end. That's where I come from and that's how we deal with things. I spoke very few words.

A time wasn't agreed. All the other students looking on like a bunch of garden gnomes. Individuals at 16 stone unable to talk because they don't want to offend him. Speaking the truth does come at a price.

I was pulled up afterwards. "We all know he's in the wrong. No one says anything to him, remember what happened last time with xyz? I asked myself why you didn't do anything. I know you would have taught him a lesson physically and verbally."

"I controlled my anger."

"Soulseek, you're wise. You won."

I sit next to this guy and we study 5 times a week until we now finish the qur'an. The time that has been set will now affect my ability to study the qur'an, granted I've sacrificed the past 3 years to make this compromise for the sake of Allah. It will also affect my external obligations because brothers wish to amuse themselves. Alhamdulillah.

Shaytaan inside of me thrills for things like these. I'm not going to entertain it. Fullstop. Especially not for where I've booked my tickets to.

Jannah; Have you heard of this place?

Quiz Time!

One for the regulars...

I made a big mistake in letting one prospect go.

Who was this prospect? And why?

Last Night Was Magical - Entry 1

Mr P.

Mr P has always been one of my biggest inspirations in life. He achieved so much at such a young age. And his wisdom. He is what we would call gifted and blessed with an insight that only a small percentage in this world possesses.

I first met him when I was 12. Being street, I never quite got his big words nor experiences. But he was a cool dude. He always made an effort with me. It wasn't up until my mid and later teenage years I started to realise what kind of a man Mr P was. I have always had this respect for people use their strengths for good. What made him so different? Intellectually elevated. He has mountains of knowledge. Paired up with this Islamic nafsiyyah (disposition) and unparalleled wisdom. I believe he has abilities that not many men have. I love his humbleness, level of humility and his ability to understand, speak and relate to other people.

I saw him marry 9 years ago. I was 14. Since then his achievements have been profound. He learnt fusah Arabic with his wife. Both Pakistanis. They home schooled their 3 children who are most beautiful children I have come across. They all speak Arabic. His recitation and application of the qur'an. Just to name a few.

Mr P - He is truly one of a kind.

I had an epiphany this week. Some of the later entries will brief on this. It's been wild. I haven't been able to control myself whilst working. Random notes, emails, tafsir comments, ideas, plans and thoughts. Collated, and just all over the place. Just all these ideas, reams of thoughts. Just hanging around up here. Something had to happen.

I dropped Mr P a text on Monday. Monday passed. Nothing. Tuesday passed. Nothing. Another text of desperation. Wednesday passed. And nothing.

It was sad. From the hundreds of people I have befriended I felt like there was really nobody else I could turn to. I love my brothers, handfuls of best friends and people of knowledge but I felt like none would:

1. Get it.
2. Provide me with the kind of clarification I'm looking for.

I know this because I did the litmus test with 10 close people. Not particularly the epiphany but just bits and bats. And I was right. I was stuck here. Alone.

Everyone could use somebody. Especially in times of need. In the past, I have done this alone but this time, it was to be different. Musa (as). An epic, profound prophet of Allah. Even he needed somebody.. he needed his brother.
 
Thursday came and Mr P... responded! He was ill (having just come back from hajj) and he managed to get the kids to sleep and get me in for Friday evening. It was his wife's turn to have some her time, so he was all mine.

Mr P's house is really warm and welcoming. "Please make yourself at home and put your feet up. What are you having?" "Water" I said. He sighed and said "that's unacceptable, can you stop being so boring." I laughed. "Coffee please."

"Soulseek.. speak to me." I smiled. Because my inspiration. My benchmark. The guy whom I will excel beyond in all matters of deen (insha'Allah) is sat there, right there - smiling at me. "This is going to be a long one, I apologise in advance. I'm going to think aloud as I haven't had the time to put it together. Get ready for some incoherent thoughts." I said. He laughed "Let me go and get a notepad and pen."

I started talking. I fumbled at the first hurdle. "I don't know where to begin but the start is always a good place." He laughed. I looked at my notes on my tablet. I digressed. I then related it back to the original topic of discussion. Ayahs of qur'an flowing with my disjointed thoughts. It then started to come together. It exploded.

An hour had passed "... and breathe" I said, laughing. 

We were facing each other. "Soulseek, come here and sit with me. I hope you like diagrams." I walked across.

What happened after that was.. magical. He managed to decipher and bring it back to 2 fundemental things. He did a Soulseek on me. He simplified and made great, great sense of things.

Mr P. Allah bless you. Allah bless with jannat al firdous because people like you are gems. And gems need duas for protection. Allah gifted you to me.

The next couple of days are going to be seriously interesting. Mr P put it there! High 5!

It's Happening Again

Earlier this year, 10 months ago I went through this phase. My brain tapped into what felt like unlocked potential. You have to have experienced this to understand it. The kind of knowledge I was absorbing, the rationale of my mind and the things I was thinking about? I don't know where to begin. I was reading 9 books at a given time. I felt weird but I felt good, things made so much sense. I went on this crazy stint for almost half a year, til the pursuing continued and wore me down.

I made one mistake during that time. I didn't write down some of the things that came to me so that I could refine those ideas.

Well, it's started again. I have a different perspective. Even towards marriage and my own approach on things. I ain't letting it creep this time. I'm still intensively doing the tafsir of Surat Al Baqarah every weekday. Firstly, I must praise Ibrahim (as), he truly was a genius. Allahu Akbar. I can't describe the honour and smile on my face in hopes of meeting him in Jannah. Want? YES!  I wish I could write my thoughts what the mufassireen have wrote in their tafaseers' but that would take weeks to collate. However, I must first do this. These Ayahs are speaking to me - By Allah I can't explain how intimately. I find it difficult to contain myself. It seems Allah has blessed me with this ability to understand and see certain things. Everything is all so clear.

This intensive tafsir is really tiring. Even though I've done it for almost 3 years now, it's different and more difficult. We spent 1 hour on 1 ayah even then I feel like it was rushed. I finish near midnight and I start work around fajr. Inbetween these hours I commit to my obligations and try to split my time between family, friends, studying and gym. I also start arabic this weekend again. My 7 day schedule is . . Well, difficult. I haven't been on my home pc for ages. I'm having to write on my tablet.

I've got a shed load on my mind. I'm going to be banging out all my thoughts should time permit. Diary format.

Let me begin with the first thing.

After years and years on this quest? Maybe it's time to drop it.

Failsafes And How They Make You Feel Safe

I like simple mechanisms. Here's one: 

Fail safe - Something designed to work or function automatically to prevent breakdown of a mechanism, system, or the like. 

Once upon a time a lil female crept her way into my feelings and she left a mark. Aww, cute. Having never let a woman do that before, it was a new experience to me. I was always used to a different kind of struggle. It happens. From a young age surrounded by the bleak facts of a difficult life, I took it on. I fought. and I succeeded. I always looked up to the challenges of what my path would bring forth. I took the path to become a strong, rounded individual. Being a head strong practising Muslim, I never had a relationship with anyone. I had no idea how evil some women could be. I haven't pursued the worst of what's out there. Alhamdulillah. I have however had a taster of how evil some can be.

I have been wronged throughout this process. Because of that I had developed a mental fail safe. I made conscious efforts to maintain this lack of emotional attachment when speaking to suitors. Naturally after spending months in speaking to her you will grow a liking, it's human like. I'm game for that, it's important to establish some kind of liking. However, the problem starts at the attachment part. You shouldn't become dependents or too involved at this stage. When I speak to my suitors, I let everything flow naturally. However, I never let her become the centre of my daily activities. As soon as we finish talking, I don't think about things like I used to. It keeps my mental state fresh. She's just another scheduled task. Having done this 3 times now, when things didn't work out. I was back on form without being hung up.

I find it difficult to posses any feelings or think about her. When I look back, it's always to take a look at myself or the whole situation.When the gut feeling senses that something off, the fail safe kicks in. The signal is transmitted to my brain When things fall over. I move on.

What happens when things don't work out? Going upon my last 3 success failures - I look at how I conducted myself throughout the whole process. Islamically and as a good man. If I did something wrong, I will not let that happen again. If I was wronged, I will think of ways to minimise that the next time round. I then reflect. Look deeply within myself. Assess my physical and mental state of mind. Then I proceed to network for more prospects.

Simple? It works for me.

The Strife Continues

That gut feeling down there? Intuition. It's on a roll. It told me that It wasn't going to work out.

And it scored. It didn't work out. 

Mufti "Have you done istikhara?"
Her "Yes"
Mufti "Was it Positive?"
Her "Alhamdulillah, it was"
Mufti "Then Allah has given you glad tidings to marry SoulSeek. He has closely studied under me for almost 3 years. If you want a character of piety and humility. SoulSeek is somebody I can vouch for. If you want a life of happiness. This young man provide for you where many would fail to.."

He continued to say all these amazing things about me. I blushed like a shy child. I don't do compliments. Yet, here. Now. This well renowned scholar was saying all these wonderful things about me. Wow.

Mufti "Your parents have no valid reasons to reject SoulSeek, do they?"
Her "No"
Mufti "I've dealt with many cases like this. This will work. And I will help you both through this."

Mufti talked to for a while. he clarified and made things so simple and clear for her. Yet she still managed to confuse things. She called her parents the next day. Now apparently they rejected me based on my character. Even though they had never met me.

Hold on. Wut?

It kept getting stranger and stranger. Apparently they had decided this 2 months ago, yet they still let things progress. Wallahi I have no idea what games they are playing with her but her emotional state was not pretty. She ended up in complete denial. Then she slipped up some nasty information.

Without going into much detail. I was lied to. Their whole family was dishonest. They were deceiving. They were ignorants. They certainly were not Islamic. And her family never had intentions to let her get married. They all ganged up on her and bullied her. Yet she still continued to put on this front.

Not only did they play her a fool but they brought me, my sacrifices and my whole family in for the ride. Have these people no imaan? 

I spoke to my Mufti.I saw that look I haven't seen in a long time. It's quite a scary look. "That's injustice... You have been wronged. Be patient. For Allah will give you your due."

I can't believe what she did. I can't believe what her family did. 

Something about these sad entries, they kind of hurt. So, can I ask you all for a huge favour? Please keep me in your duas. It's all I ask for. By Allah, I cannot thank you enough.

Jazakallah Khair

My Theory On The X & Y Chromosomes

I always thought that when X was pleased with Y.
And that when Y was pleased with X.
That would be the start.

I always thought that where there was chemistry flooding.
That would be awesome.

I always thought that when they had established compatibility, determined matters of intelligence and deen and they then shared similar aspirations, goals and dealt with matters amicably.
That would be amazing.

I always thought that when both had found comfort in one another.
That would make your eyes glimmer.

I always thought when X could provide 40 reasons in why Y is the one, then stop the list at his request as there were one too many reasons. And when she then broke that list down detailing why Y is the best for her and the vast number of qualities and attributes he brings with him.
That would make you greatful.

I always thought that when both X & Y had consulted Allah and he was pleased.
NOTHING could taint that.

I guess I was wrong.

Alhamdulillah.

My Veins Are Pounding Success

There's something in my blood. I can't stop it.

When a man feels this surge of power and energy to give it his best. He gives out this aura. With that crazy look in his eyes. I call it happiness. I call it success.

Something won't let me give into any wrong or injustice.

My character and demeanor transforms when I have conviction in something. This has always been one of my greatest strengths.

I was never the problem. Nor is my family. But I get it now. Her family think that they're better than us. Her whole family is great on putting a front. They've got a chip on their shoulder. Masha'Allah. Their snobiness is their greatest upset. And our tiny 4 bedroom house is no match for their gigantic 7 bedroom house.

This is jahliyyah and inaad. I refuse to stand for it.

She told me they're now bringing prospects forward for her to get over me. She's completely torn. She saw how horrible it was when they all turned on her other sister, now that same sister is turning on her along with everyone else.

My Mufti voiced his thoughts, he's not happy. I've told her one last time. I will stand by her side. That dude I talked, crazy? That's me. Either way this goes, I'm a winner.

The ball's in her court.

Shoot. And shoot far.

Because I am SoulSeek and you ain't never met a dude like me. BAM!

My World Is No.2

Today's Fajr alarm felt like a blur. That feeling you get when you're drifting in between the state being asleep and awake. I didn't get a great deal of sleep, I wasn't actively think about what had happened, my brain has just learnt to switch off. Just that cold and numb feeling remains. After praying Fajr, an idea came to me. One of her brother's is an Aalim. I met him on Saturday. He seemed like a very reasonable and well balanced character. Someone who has been fairly distant from the family in doing his own thing. Ideas started flaring. The way I would approach him and the way I would put my case across. From what his sister had informed me of, I felt like he had no idea of what was going on in their household, the difficulties placed on his youngest sister. I felt that he could be the one to relay back to the parents a more refined and reasoned approach. Afterall, I'm still waiting to be dismissed for the right reasons from any suitor. If it isn't injustice, it's some personal issues. When am I going to get that satisfaction in being rejected rightfully?

Then it occurred to me. She said that  what her family were doing, the injustice that they were doing - It was justified. It was justified in some twisted way for her to accept this. When a personal is emotionally distraught, it happens. I can't help or work with her when she's accepted defeated. Optimist, pessimist, realist. Schmucks.
 
It's time for a refresh. Last night, me and 3 others (geetarhiro et al) had the most random idea. To hit a fairly small Island. We all needed a break. So we booked it last night and we all managed to blag some holidays off work. Get some nice apartments with a pool and a car waiting for us tomorrow. I need this. All these difficulties and tests? It's my first opportunity to wind down, away from here.

The world is 3 days:
As for yesterday?
It has vanished along with all that was in it.
As for tomorrow? 
You may never see it.
As for today?
It is yours, so work on it.
[Hassan Al-Basree]

It is time to start steering my life in the direction I have wanted. I've already wasted a couple of years. I found myself wanting to wait for that essential and intricate part of my life to enter in finding that comfort I've been looking for but she isn't coming. She was never around for the years I most needed her, so I'm not dependent upon her today either. I've been through that struggle in finding me. In stripping my character apart to see the person that I am. Ugly. I made changes. Lots of them. I'm now ready for the next phase.

I'm in my early 20's. The age of Jannah is narrated to be 33. I have a few years to go in order to be that man I envisage to be. I've got a lot of work ahead of me Insha'Allah.

I've been studying Tafsir of the Qur'an intensively (5 days a week) for the past 2.7 years. This was whilst juggling the everything in my life including a time demanding degree. We've completed only a mere 16 Juz. I can't begin explain how much this has changed my life. I've taken a very active and balanced approach in developing myself as a human being. More importantly to be that slave to Allah.

I look at my life. My efforts. And my sacrifices. By the grace of Allah, he's steered me away from any Major Sins insha'Allah. I want dedicate my whole life in serving him, I have no other purpose.

I have complete and utter conviction that Allah is my lord and Muhammed (saw) is his last and final messenger. And that the Qur'an is the last and final book of Allah.

﴿أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ﴾

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.  

[Surat Ar-Rad - V28]

A new chapter is starting in my life. The intention has been made. I'm going to learn Arabic just so I can begin to gain a minuscule understanding the Qur'an. I can't even begin to describe what kind of kitaab the Qur'an is. 

Throughout this marriage process I take a look back and I see how confident I've become, how warm and welcoming people are towards me. I'm still making revisions in my former self, to become better. I know the kind of person I am. Committed and determined. And as with any skill, quality or ability. Pour in copious amounts of effort and you'll be sure to see a return. But there's an added bonus. When you make intention in learning the qur'an for the sake of Allah, he promises to make it easy for you. Profound. Making the intention is half of the battle. It's time to step up and go for the gold.

Til next time. Masalaama :)

And It's A Wrap!

The Journalist.

The first time I uttered the words "you're the one". She did the same in return. Allah made it so easy it was beyond belief. We wanted to get married this month. I invested every ounce of my free time into her.

Her family started the fitna. And they went in full force throughout Eid. Her soft natured personality was always overshadowed by her family and she was always bullied and seen as the weaker link. All islamic personalities too.

When it came to her making this decision, they felt 'moving away for her would be difficult'. Subhaanallah, this is what we Muslims have deteriorated to after finding everything else is key. Spot on. Plucking things out of thin air, telling her how she would feel. Her sisters were plain wrong and just sly. They constantly patronised and mocked her. They both married choices whom their parents did not approve of and they were dictacting her decisions. He brother was the type, who would threaten to server family ties if they don't approve of his dictatorship in the household. They used her as the maid of the house to even look after her sisters' husband too. Charming stuff. I loved her approach on these people. She always looked for the best in them. Great quality but it must be used correctly. Unfortauntely that's where she fell. She failed to recognise how damaging they were to her. To us. One can only sugar coat a wicked person for so long.  

We worked. She loved my family. And we saw a future together. Today, she spoke to her father in SA and the siblings had relayed some nonsense back. They weren't very warm. Please note: They did not disapprove. They just felt concerned about her 'soft personality'. When I spoke to them they were equally as cold.

It all changed in 60 minutes when I asked her if she was willing to see this through. She cried. I will never understand this emotional blackmail families put upon each other. Me? I had very few words. Assalamu Alaikum was all I could say. I've established this level self respect and of self value. I've learnt to just walk away. You have to learn to accept that those hundreds of hours you invested only for it to fail - Is an essential part in picking the mother of your children. I stand by that.

She didn't step up. So, I retract my earlier statement about her being the one. 4 years on and every suitor is adament there is nothing wrong with me. I step outside of my body and I just stand there. I feel a different kind of numb.

I feel I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I've exerted myself.

Destiny. Maybe this is mine. Alhamdulillah.