"Summer, summer, summertime
time to sit back and unwind"
Fresh Prince - Will Smith
You just knew, summer had been made official when that was playing back in the days.
Over in the UK we've had some early doses of sunshine over the past few days. We say this every year. but I'm convinced the torture is getting worse year on year figures relate. Y'all know where I'm going with this. It seems the NHS has issued all patients with an ever so urgent 'WARNING: Strip down for your health' concern, early this year.
This weekend marks British Summer Time (BST). Also known as British Fitna Time (BFT)™.
I was walking through the train station. "This is torture" I thought. Busy, as you can imagine. I'm pretty good at the 'lower your gaze game'. This game seems to remind me of Pacman. You go through the maze of naked women, the women begin to multiply and chase you as you approach your goal - the exit.
I get outside of the train station, I think "Booyaksha! I've beat them all." Only to find a water fountain with even more naked women around it outside. "SS it's okay, go back to lowering your gaze" I think. It works; briefly. You see.. there are ads everywhere I look. "Dayumn" I think. "I'm going to look up to the wonderful skies. That should do the trick." Right? "Hey, hey, hey! Miss Scherzinger... Rihanna... where is your hijaab?" Billboards, me and you are going to have words some day. Mark my words!
I rush to find my safe zone, I hear high heals being bashed against the floor. I hate these things with a passion. Die! Yeah, I'd love for my wife to model them but they have no place in the open. Die again!
When the clickety clacks stop. I am safe. Alhamdu... Oh wait. I smell perfume. Why do you women do this?! Seriously? It's intoxicating. A proper buzz.
Then there are the magazines and ads. In my face. Wherever I go. J-LO's back with her big backside? Thanks for me filling in. Really. Sex this. Sex that. Sex on sex. Sexity sex. Sex!
Oh look. It's 'Men's health'. That 6-pack that he spent 12 weeks training for before the photoshoot. The same 6-pack that disappeared not long after he binged on pizza.
"Well then, don't look.. it's not like anyone is forcing you." Thanks captain/princess obvious. But it's stupid. Put a fasting person in all you can eat buffet. Surround an alchy (pronounced al-ki) with his favourite beverages.
Males are hard-wired. I'm hard-wired. Allah has put these feelings and desires in us. By Allah! If it was a whim and not a need, easy peasy. Some of guys have it worse than others. I'm at that end of the spectrum. Sad face. Why? I became strong. Really strong. Strong enough to complete nationally. That means I have silly testosterone levels. So brothers, when tell me you have it hard and I don't understand. Hahaha, haha and ha.
It's not so bad when you're in control your needs. And it's actually pretty awesome. Bachelor life and all that, it's fun. If only women weren't so provocative and it wasn't constantly in my face. Then it's all good in the hood. Then I'm reminded that Muhammed (saw) mentioned that one of the biggest trials for the men in his Ummah would be the female specimen. Makes sense.
It's that phase. A phase that is triggered by immodest women and their behaviour. It's like something takes over to commit haraam. A feeling that is uncontrollable. Then all that focus becomes women. You think of surviving this battle in a halaal manner then everything is your mind becomes about pursing a woman. It's a vicious circle.
When you eventually come back to earth and reach a better mental state. It's like "Hey everyone, I'm about to stand up!" only to realise you're the only person standing on your beloved planet right now.
Where are the good old days of faking you're ill, so you can stay home to play and watch cartoons? Wallahi, growing up. SUCKS.
Let me make this clear before the feminist brigade come, screaming up in arms. Blah blah. I understand the value of women. They account for more than half of the world's population. They are here for a purpose. A purpose I understand well. Their status in Islam makes them pretty darned special. I suppose I want a piece of special in my life.
I know that struggle well; and as a single Muslim male trying to do the right thing, it’s perhaps the biggest challenge you face. Since you already have the lowering of the gaze thing down – that’s an excellent basis you have. But the constant bombardment you face outside is really a war on modesty; it’s a war on chastity; and a war on your desire to remain chaste.
ReplyDeleteAnd it’s not just OUTside – but also inside. With a computer or TV in the home – even if you only use them for good purposes – it’s a gateway for that stuff to come in.
I think there’s some hadith about how widespread fornication would become, and how public – so that people would do it openly in public, like donkeys, and the best a pious person would do was to ask them to move out of the way…something along those lines (don’t remember the wording so don’t quote me).
That’s the time we’re living in – you can’t avoid it. It’s everywhere. Everywhere.
I can say that your biggest hope is Allah – make dua that He keep you strong and protect you from these desires, until you get that piece of ‘special’ in your life :).
And minimize your exposure to the environments that have these things in them. You already know that, probably, but it’s worth a reminder. Because so many environments are saturated with it – it’s hard to avoid. But when you do have a choice – choose wisely.
And keep good company – another essential thing.
There’s a talk I heard long ago on this subject I think:
http://www.sacredlearning.org/audio/general/2002/leave_desires.mp3
The thing I like about that speaker is his ability to bring points across in analogies; and actually he’s just someone whose talks really have a great effect on me. (The page is http://www.sacredlearning.org/general-talks/category )
I really recommend you listen to some of his stuff – find the titles that appeal to you – and see if they benefit you.
With regard to the Internet, one good tip to avoid the risk of seeing things you shouldn’t is to turn Images off in your browser – so pictures don’t show at all. That speeds up your browsing, but more importantly doesn’t let you see ads or images that are risky (unless it’s in Flash –but that’s not so common).
If you need more tips on the gaze, check out: http://loweryourgaze.wordpress.com/
Anyway – keep strong, bro. Succeeding in this struggle is really something to be proud of – because it’s an enormous challenge for a guy. But know that Allah is with you, and if you make the effort for His sake, imagine the rewards He’s got waiting for you – both here and in the Hereafter :).
Salaam,
ReplyDeleteI understand especially now that the weather has become all summery and nice, females are wearing less clothes.
it was never meant to be easy.
& please dont dump us all in the same boat. some of us are trying to be modest. (I am a feminist but I dont believe in screaming to be heard)
May Allah make it a lil' easier for you. Ameen
You know what I gotta hand it to you for trying so hard to do the right thing. But I must admit that this post made me laugh out loud (cruel- I know, but I couldn't help it). Having said that I feel for the muslim guys out there - I really do , your Achilles heel is certainly being tested. Nonethless I hope that you can still find the time to enjoy the beautiful weather we have been having.
ReplyDeleteTo posses sensual passions is Human, to control them is Muslim.
ReplyDeleteSalam, it's my first time commenting here. Some of this made me laugh (British Fitna time) and some of it made me feel sad. I pray that Allah makes it easier for you, and remember ultimately it is a test.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, I'd like to remind you that 99% of women dress nicely to impress OTHER women (not in a Lesbian way- in a way to get more attention and to feel prettier- if that makes sense), and some women also do it for themselves.
And summer is hard for Muslimahs too, especially Hijabi's- keeping covered when it's boiling is quite a challenge. And we should be thankful, the UK doesn't get THAT hot in comparison to other places.
I think you should read this post I did a while back: http://glandtastic.blogspot.com/2011/02/islamic-society-pre-valentines-talk.html
In view of what you have written in this post what do you think of Shanna Bukhari in a beauty competition (where she will wear a bikini)? For more info read here:
ReplyDeletehttp://shannabukhari.blogspot.com/
wow...ur post is very raw....
ReplyDeleteWe are living in a time when it's prob easier to commit haram than it is halal, a time when bad deeds are easier done than good, and a time when haraam is the new halal – or at least its promoted that way.
Once a guy marries, do these temptations dwindle because he now has a wife? Well, I can't really answer that because (a) I'm not a guy (b) I'm not married, but I doubt it very much. Maybe it's not about overcoming these feelings, but fighting them...a struggle that only ends when we get to jannah (ameen).
You know, they say, "sabrun jameel, wa ajrun kabeer" (the greater the sabr, the greater the reward)….
Reminds me one of the categories of those who will be given shade under the throne of Allah, on a day that will be 50,000 years long, 'A man who is called by a woman of beauty and position but he says: 'I fear Allaah...”
If I wanted to read about exaggerated generalities, I'd read the NEWS! lol jk it's all in good fun, but after reading this light-hearted post (and the past few of the same thread), I realized I've read nothing worth reading, and usually that is not the case with your writing!
ReplyDeleteLet's get back to your unique experiences and/or opinions...remember even though your blog's about finding "the one", you don't have to box yourself into writing solely about women and relationships...how you develop yourself is part of your journey so feel free (read: please do) talk about your experiences developing as a Muslim. Remember marriage is not the goal, it's a means to the goal of improving as a muslim and human...certainly you know this more than I do! So exercise your reflection muscles in a different direction when you feel that you've got nothing to share about your relationship issues :D
- just a suggestion for your consideration from a fan of your work :)
Anon - I'm glad it made you laugh. It shouldn't be any other way. When I go through this difficulty and those more difficult you've got to laugh, smile and accept it. Life would be quite miserable any other way!
ReplyDeleteSI - Dude. That's deep. Infact, it's awesome. I'm stealing that!
Hijabi hypo - Walaikum Salaam. Welcome and enjoy your stay. Boy it is a test, don't I know it!
As much as I'd love to believe the stats, I have to disagree! I was having this conversation with my sister on this and we came to a similar conclusion. We all like to look nice, that's a given. There's a sense of insecurity within us to portray that image you speak of but that's a whole different discussion.
I don't doubt that for one second. That's what I respect the ninja sisters so much. May Allah reward them for their sacrifices insha'Allah. I'll be sure to check it out!
Anon#2 - The same view as any muslim girl walking around in a bikini. May Allah give them guidance.
Haych - We are living in a time where haraam is easier than halaal.
ReplyDeleteI don't think they do. Once a guy who 'tasted the fruits' so to speak, it becomes that more testing I guess. It's about controlling your desires. It's like an open buffet. You want a cheesecake, ooo look; apple crumble with custard! Mmmhmmm, how about some fudge cake to wash that down!
Women and food go so well together when using examples. We can always relate lol. Similarly, this is why guys who have been in many relationships or a lot of one night stands, it becomes an addiction in feeding their desires. Spoilt for choice. Taking that desire one step further. This is where a sickness a disease grows; bestiality, odd fetishes... having sex with the same gender?? Desires that we know are never ending. For "Verily, the son of Adam shall never be pleased."
You're absolutely right. Marriage alleviates the need. The desire? That's all you. You have to personally put a cap and control yourself. That's the test.
That's a beautiful reminder. Jazakallah Khair.
Zafra - I'll tell you a little secret. That's exactly the direction I'm taking. I've got about 10 draft posts and they cover pretty all that you've encompassed. I can't exactly drop all the goodies at once, I'm sure you can appreciate the time it takes to get stuff together.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is, I have enough ideas for about 500 entries. The problem is the time and effort. I have have a serious amount of stuff happening in my head.
This blog was never intended to be about me talking about my adventures. More about the journey, experiences and lessons along the way.
Stay tuned, I really do have a lot to say.
I think this is, perhaps, your biggest test right now - in the pre-marital stage. ANd I know that test well, having gone through it for years. But if you just stay patient - persevere patiently against the onslaught - insha-Allah the reward (i.e. that special one of yours) will be amazing.
ReplyDeleteTHe thing is, we're living in a time where it's a war on modesty. It's an ideological war that's pushing sex and sexuality into the mainstream; and into what's publically acceptable.
I'm not saying it's some big conspiracy (though some would take it as part of preparation for Dajjal's arrival)...but just opening your eyes, you can see that this very much is a time of calamity in terms of moral standards in public.
You CAN'T get away from it: out on the street; in your workplace; in public; even in your HOME (due to TV, Internet, magazines...even normal newspapers).
So being able to lower the gaze, and having the tawfique to do it strictly - that's priceless for a guy. ANY guy - even the married ones.
Cos the eyes are like windows to the soul - and what the eyes see, the heart wants. If you feed your heart such images all the time, it feeds your desires and grows your lusts. And, like you said - there's no end to that desire.
Like someone else said here: the desire is natural; but controlling it is part of your deen.
(For more on this, there's an excellent talk as part of a tasawwuf series. I think it's part 4 - here:
http://www.sacredlearning.org/audio/general/2009/fundamentals_tasawwuf_part4.mp3)
Anyway - tHat's why the deen is so designed to curb the desires - so that we don't destroy ourselves spiritually (as well as physically). It curbs desires and directs it to halaal expression - which in this case, is via marriage.
The best thing to do is to ask Allah to help you and KEEP helping you; and then make your effort to protect your gaze and your chastity. It's only with Allah's guidance and help that we can survive the challenges we face in life; and when challenges are so tough - like this one - it's something that should make us intensify our relationship with Him, in order that He bring us through the trials.
WIth regard to this problem, i remember a talk a while ago that i *think* was on the subject:
Learning to leave our desires (roughly 9 minutes):
http://www.sacredlearning.org/audio/general/2002/leave_desires.mp3
And there's a LOT of good stuff on the parent page for that:
http://www.sacredlearning.org/general-talks/category
As for other means of protection, check out:
http://loweryourgaze.wordpress.com/
And obviously it's very important to regulate what material you let into your consciousness - in terms of TV, movies, printed media, and the INternet.
For the Internet, one great way to avoid seeing things you shouldn't see (in adverts or just other pictures in articles), is to turn Images off in your browser. Pictures don't load anymore - so you're effectively filtering out stuff that you otherwise might have seen accidentally.
The only images you still get are flash adverts - but those are not so common. So this tip is something that REALLY helps protect you from even getting a glimpse of these things.
I loved what one commenter said: "Remember marriage is not the goal, it's a means to the goal of improving as a muslim and human"
Always, always, always keep that in mind. Marriage may be the driving force in your life right now - but once you do get married (insha-Allah), you'll need a new driving force; and pleasing Allah - which encompasses so much, including improving as a muslim - is really the ultimate goal.
That's something that all of us - married or not - need to know and live.
I look forward to reading the other stuff u have planned (i.e. other than this quest).
Sometimes when you're going through the 'process', you need time out after each experience to reflect. It's a process of breaking yourself down and building yourself up again to be able to deal with the next situation. Not that I'm analysing SS but it's evident that this process is taking place with respect to the posts - previous and new. Those who are used to dating have no problems with moving onto the next person/situation. Those who don't, find themselves taking longer than most. This is why I think the light hearted posts are good - it makes you laugh at situations gone by/generalisations and gives you a new perspective on the whole process. As long as it is a balanced argument, it's fair game....
ReplyDeleteI think this is, perhaps, your biggest test right now - in the pre-marital stage. ANd I know that test well, having gone through it for years. But if you just stay patient - persevere patiently against the onslaught - insha-Allah the reward (i.e. that special one of yours) will be amazing.
ReplyDeleteTHe thing is, we're living in a time where it's a war on modesty. It's an ideological war that's pushing sex and sexuality into the mainstream; and into what's publically acceptable.
I'm not saying it's some big conspiracy (though some would take it as part of preparation for Dajjal's arrival)...but just opening your eyes, you can see that this very much is a time of calamity in terms of moral standards in public.
You CAN'T get away from it: out on the street; in your workplace; in public; even in your HOME (due to TV, Internet, magazines...even normal newspapers).
So being able to lower the gaze, and having the tawfique to do it strictly - that's priceless for a guy. ANY guy - even the married ones.
Cos the eyes are like windows to the soul - and what the eyes see, the heart wants. If you feed your heart such images all the time, it feeds your desires and grows your lusts. And, like you said - there's no end to that desire.
Like someone else said here: the desire is natural; but controlling it is part of your deen.
(For more on this, there's an excellent talk as part of a tasawwuf series. I think it's part 4 - here:
http://www.sacredlearning.org/audio/general/2009/fundamentals_tasawwuf_part4.mp3)
Anyway - tHat's why the deen is so designed to curb the desires - so that we don't destroy ourselves spiritually (as well as physically). It curbs desires and directs it to halaal expression - which in this case, is via marriage.
The best thing to do is to ask Allah to help you and KEEP helping you; and then make your effort to protect your gaze and your chastity. It's only with Allah's guidance and help that we can survive the challenges we face in life; and when challenges are so tough - like this one - it's something that should make us intensify our relationship with Him, in order that He bring us through the trials.
WIth regard to this problem, i remember a talk a while ago that i *think* was on the subject:
Learning to leave our desires (roughly 9 minutes):
http://www.sacredlearning.org/audio/general/2002/leave_desires.mp3
And there's a LOT of good stuff on the parent page for that:
http://www.sacredlearning.org/general-talks/category
As for other means of protection, check out:
http://loweryourgaze.wordpress.com/
And obviously it's very important to regulate what material you let into your consciousness - in terms of TV, movies, printed media, and the INternet.
For the Internet, one great way to avoid seeing things you shouldn't see (in adverts or just other pictures in articles), is to turn Images off in your browser. Pictures don't load anymore - so you're effectively filtering out stuff that you otherwise might have seen accidentally.
The only images you still get are flash adverts - but those are not so common. So this tip is something that REALLY helps protect you from even getting a glimpse of these things.
I loved what one commenter said: "Remember marriage is not the goal, it's a means to the goal of improving as a muslim and human"
Always, always, always keep that in mind. Marriage may be the driving force in your life right now - but once you do get married (insha-Allah), you'll need a new driving force; and pleasing Allah - which encompasses so much, including improving as a muslim - is really the ultimate goal.
That's something that all of us - married or not - need to know and live.
I look forward to reading the other stuff u have planned (i.e. other than this quest).
Sorry that i have so many comments on this. They kept dissapearing - so I reposted a few times.
ReplyDeleteAssalamualaikum wr wb bro!
ReplyDeleteI would recommend migrating to a Muslim majority country since the fitnah is lesser compared to the west and other non muslim countries.I don't know if you can afford to do that at the moment.
May Allah S.w.t. help and protect all my brothers and sisters around the globe!
SI - Nail. Hit Head. I agree with you 101%. An extra one for reassurance.
ReplyDeleteI could have been on #30 instead of #7. But I've taken my time to asses things. And gain something pretty important. Understanding and perspective. These two things are indeed game. Seems like you understand. But you'll see what I mean soon insha'Allah.
Dreamlife - That's a mega-sick comment if I ever saw one! Thank for taking your time in writing that up.
ReplyDeleteYou're spot on. There's a certainty of the reward. Because Allah has promised us. We all know his promises are the truth and nothing but the truth.
Interesting take. I inclined to support your thoughts. The inherent belief of the western ideology promotes ideas such as immorality. As long as there's a general consensus within a society - which there is, it works. Regardless of the nature of the idea.
The battle doesn't become about just the gaze, its more on self-restraint. Fill that part of the lust and it does start to corrupt the heart.
Thanks for the links. I enjoyed the one on desires.
Ah and don't worry - I've been a long time advocate of AdBlock on Firefox ;)
Jazakallah Khair for your super comment - As usual, it's a pleasure to see you dropping by the hood.
Peace
Traveller - Walaikum Salaam, Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu!
ReplyDeleteIn an ideal world, I think that's all that we strive for. However, reality dictates differently.
I look at things like this; If I can't handle my tests here - what good would I be there? It's a solution but not 'the' solution if you catch my drift?