I'd like welcome Geetar Hiro to the wonderful world of blogging.
My long time brother from another mother is joining me on the search!
This means more content for you guys :)
Allahu Akbar!
Thursday, 6 August 2009
What am I looking for?
i've told several people that i'm looking or marriage. i guess that was the first step. but the first question i am asked is always "what are you looking for in a wife?" (or something along those lines). then i would get into some sort of panic frenzy and think "what sort of question is that? are you trying to suss me out as to what sort of person i am?" so i keep the answer vague. "erm... she has to be islamic". (thinks: ha - stop trying to analyse me)
the real answer is actually "i don't know".
the fact is that i have been attracted to such a mix of different girls that i'm now not sure which sort of personality (or background) is most suitable for me. maybe it's all? maybe it's none. i once grew close to a sister who was not very islamic. but i liked her (and i was pretty sure she liked me). had feelings for her. felt like i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. and that freaked the hell outta me! not because i am scared of commitment or anything like that. it's because i could see myself falling for a girl who was not islamic.
all these ideas i have grown up started to overwhelm me with self-doubt. such as how Allah (swt) created partners for us - and that if you are good, then Allah (swt) will give you a partner who is good like you. and if you are bad, then Allah (swt) will send you a partner who, like you, is also bad.
i also felt emotions i had never experienced before. like my mind and my heart wanted different things. how can i have an interest in someone who is not islamic? is that normal? does that mean that i am really not islamic at all? i remember the days where i used to give the disapproving look to people who went for girls who weren't islamic. and then i found myself in that exact same position. and you can't help how you feel... right?
to cut a long story short, i prayed istikhara. and the signs were extremely bad. my feelings for her started to dissolve. and for some reason, they started to transform into dislike for her. i started to pick at the things which i didn't like about her - all those things that were cleverly disguised while i was lusting for this girl. and a couple weeks later, she took off her hijab. then my heart was filled with hatred for her. again, i had never felt such powerful emotions.
i took that as a sign. i need to look for someone islamic. and the answer to the first question i am asked after i reveal i am a marriage seeker, stays true. admittedly, still vague. but nonetheless, still true.
The First Experience - Part 1
Over this past year I was away working. I met somebody who changed my life.
It was last year after Ramadhan when I first met her.
Hikmah is what I’ll call her.
We first met after brief introductions. In our first conversation we were both exactly in the same boat feeling the same way. We both were over a hundred miles away from home, moving away for the first time. We were in similar positions wanting to achieve similar goals.
Hikmah was the only muslim female that I personally encountered in the city. She was also the only muslim female that worked in the same place over thousands of associates.
Given the situation, we both felt alienated and a little homesick. We bonded well on this basis. As time progressed we learnt more about each other.
Hikmah was a westernised, non-practicing muslim woman. She had an active ‘western’ social life. She felt strong about Islamic values but not enough to be practicing. She, like many others in the west was waiting for the ‘right’ moment to start. She was cheerful, intelligent and funny.
She used to approach me for advice and I treated her like a sister. She often approached me personal issues. She must have felt comfortable around in order to share.
One day she approached me and asked me not to get angry because we had the whole brother/sister understanding - she wanted some advice on her relationship. I told her honestly what I thought of the situation. I highlighted the problems and how islamically it wasn’t viable. She embraced the facts that I had presented to her and took my advice on board.
When she informed me that she’d like to embrace Islam and settle down. I realised what her goal was but her method was the completely wrong way of going about it. When I realised her intentions - I advised her strongly about marriage. She said it was her intent to do so in the future. The guy was a classic example of a player. She reassessed her situation and said she will have a long and hard think about it.
As the months went along, she’d drop a few emails here and there and in person whilst passing by we’d just exchange the mutual salam whenever we saw each other - kept it brief. Some months later she went abroad and I didn’t see her for a few months. Business was normal.
I was on route for a coffee break with my group of colleagues. Whilst walking, I saw Hikmah. I couldn’t describe what had happened. My heart just sunk. Butterflies . . everywhere.
We greeted each other. My surroundings were talking. I entered a lonely abyss. Questioning what happened. “SoulSeek . . what do you think?”. I was just completely lost – “Yeah” I said.
“Yeah? . . . . Were you even listening” I thought.
I was lost. Confused. What had happened?
This is crazy! I told myself. I continued . . no, no and no! I can’t have feelings for her. It’s not right! It just didn’t 'go'!
I convinced myself it was just lust and nothing else. I put it down to the fact that she was the only muslim female I had interacted with since I moved away.
I shared it with a close brother who also knew her and he said he saw it a mile off. He said we got on/clicked extremely well and I was overly protective over her (sub consciously?).
I tried avoiding this fiasco and I attempted to part with my feelings for a few months. Over this period, I avoided meeting her.
It did nothing for me. My feelings grew stronger.
I just couldn’t put my finger on it. She was attractive but not my type. What did I like so much about her?
I pondered.
I was then dropped the line “You can’t help who you fall for”.
I then pondered some more.
Why did he say that? That just kept playing with me. Did I really fall for her?
How can I fall for someone who’s extremely ‘brit-social’/not Islamic/away from my ideals?
Time progressed. The feelings had now grown to a point where I began contemplating “can it be?”
Could it be?
Part 2
It was last year after Ramadhan when I first met her.
Hikmah is what I’ll call her.
We first met after brief introductions. In our first conversation we were both exactly in the same boat feeling the same way. We both were over a hundred miles away from home, moving away for the first time. We were in similar positions wanting to achieve similar goals.
Hikmah was the only muslim female that I personally encountered in the city. She was also the only muslim female that worked in the same place over thousands of associates.
Given the situation, we both felt alienated and a little homesick. We bonded well on this basis. As time progressed we learnt more about each other.
Hikmah was a westernised, non-practicing muslim woman. She had an active ‘western’ social life. She felt strong about Islamic values but not enough to be practicing. She, like many others in the west was waiting for the ‘right’ moment to start. She was cheerful, intelligent and funny.
She used to approach me for advice and I treated her like a sister. She often approached me personal issues. She must have felt comfortable around in order to share.
One day she approached me and asked me not to get angry because we had the whole brother/sister understanding - she wanted some advice on her relationship. I told her honestly what I thought of the situation. I highlighted the problems and how islamically it wasn’t viable. She embraced the facts that I had presented to her and took my advice on board.
When she informed me that she’d like to embrace Islam and settle down. I realised what her goal was but her method was the completely wrong way of going about it. When I realised her intentions - I advised her strongly about marriage. She said it was her intent to do so in the future. The guy was a classic example of a player. She reassessed her situation and said she will have a long and hard think about it.
As the months went along, she’d drop a few emails here and there and in person whilst passing by we’d just exchange the mutual salam whenever we saw each other - kept it brief. Some months later she went abroad and I didn’t see her for a few months. Business was normal.
I was on route for a coffee break with my group of colleagues. Whilst walking, I saw Hikmah. I couldn’t describe what had happened. My heart just sunk. Butterflies . . everywhere.
We greeted each other. My surroundings were talking. I entered a lonely abyss. Questioning what happened. “SoulSeek . . what do you think?”. I was just completely lost – “Yeah” I said.
“Yeah? . . . . Were you even listening” I thought.
I was lost. Confused. What had happened?
This is crazy! I told myself. I continued . . no, no and no! I can’t have feelings for her. It’s not right! It just didn’t 'go'!
I convinced myself it was just lust and nothing else. I put it down to the fact that she was the only muslim female I had interacted with since I moved away.
I shared it with a close brother who also knew her and he said he saw it a mile off. He said we got on/clicked extremely well and I was overly protective over her (sub consciously?).
I tried avoiding this fiasco and I attempted to part with my feelings for a few months. Over this period, I avoided meeting her.
It did nothing for me. My feelings grew stronger.
I just couldn’t put my finger on it. She was attractive but not my type. What did I like so much about her?
I pondered.
I was then dropped the line “You can’t help who you fall for”.
I then pondered some more.
Why did he say that? That just kept playing with me. Did I really fall for her?
How can I fall for someone who’s extremely ‘brit-social’/not Islamic/away from my ideals?
Time progressed. The feelings had now grown to a point where I began contemplating “can it be?”
Could it be?
Part 2
Monday, 3 August 2009
Lets talk Parents & Marriage
Parental intervention is unavoidable. Especially when it comes to marriage.
I discussed various issues with my parents and they seem to change their mind regularly.
How so?
When I initially discussed with my parents they said understandably that it's a decision I would have to live with rest of my life with. My mother said she would be happy with any decision I make because my criteria is Islam and I'm apparently the most intelligent young man.
Now whilst the hunt is on, my parents can't help themselves but change the 'criteria' completely. She must be a Pakistani, who is from a specific village within a specific caste . . oh and a title would also be nice.
Ermm, hello?
After discussing with them, it's there to safe guard me and keep the family within the 'village from back home'.
Rubbish. I quite easily got the answer from my mother . . you see; pakistani women like to gossip a lot. She said she can't handle the way women back bite and trash talk people.
Now it's somewhat understandable. For me it's as simple as staying away from such people but living in a community where you're seen as 'the respectable family' it spirals into a world of ridiculous, petty talk. Haven't these people got nothing better to do? Clearly not.
I'll talk them around, wisdom shall persevere Inshallah!
Have you encountered similar?
How would you deal with your folks?
I discussed various issues with my parents and they seem to change their mind regularly.
How so?
When I initially discussed with my parents they said understandably that it's a decision I would have to live with rest of my life with. My mother said she would be happy with any decision I make because my criteria is Islam and I'm apparently the most intelligent young man.
Now whilst the hunt is on, my parents can't help themselves but change the 'criteria' completely. She must be a Pakistani, who is from a specific village within a specific caste . . oh and a title would also be nice.
Ermm, hello?
After discussing with them, it's there to safe guard me and keep the family within the 'village from back home'.
Rubbish. I quite easily got the answer from my mother . . you see; pakistani women like to gossip a lot. She said she can't handle the way women back bite and trash talk people.
Now it's somewhat understandable. For me it's as simple as staying away from such people but living in a community where you're seen as 'the respectable family' it spirals into a world of ridiculous, petty talk. Haven't these people got nothing better to do? Clearly not.
I'll talk them around, wisdom shall persevere Inshallah!
Have you encountered similar?
How would you deal with your folks?
Muslim and Looking for Love
This programme was aired in the UK recently and I've only just caught up with it. It's definitely worth a watch!
This is pretty much what's wrong getting married in the west.
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/revelations/4od#2930924
The Egyptian guy made me cringe!
This is pretty much what's wrong getting married in the west.
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/revelations/4od#2930924
The Egyptian guy made me cringe!
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