The First Experience - Part 2

Part 1

Could it be . . was what I was left with.

After looking at the possibilities, it was feasible.

I went to the drawing board and questioned my criteria’s. For example; would it would be acceptable to marry a non-practising potential?

I seemed to have an answer for every question.

It was now approaching the last couple of weeks of my time there. I debated continuously whether or not I should let her know.
I’ve always been the one to think with my brain. Heart is the weakness of man. We become irrational and make the wrong judgement.

My brain disagreed but my heart was curious. How curious?

To a point where it was the only thing on my mind.

Do I just ignore my feelings and go back home regretting it or do I just ask and know where I stand? I had to cure this curiosity.

I needed affirmation from various Muslim characters to make sure I wasn’t cracking up and I was looking for advice on where I stood on the issue. After various conversations, I was brought to a larger picture.

Deep down I had a feeling it would be extremely difficult if things did work out. I felt her outlook would haunt me. On the other hand it could turn out well – a partner for life. I felt a ‘no’ would put me at ease, cure my curiosity and allow me to move on. A yes would complicate things and create a whole new horde of problems.

This would be a decision I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

What was exactly my plan?

My plan was to let her know how I felt. Upon her response, if she felt the same way I would have to take that on board and then contact her family and get to know her properly over a course of time. Then make an informed, rational decision based upon on that.

If she said no then I would just move on. My curiosity would be cured. Win – Win.

Then there was the Don’t Know/Need time to think responses. I had thought about each outcome. I was prepared.

The choice was made to take action.

I had emailed her and she agreed to meet me at specified day/time.

The day had come. I was nervous yet so cool and chilled out. My trust was always with Allah for the best outcome.

When I saw her, I got that same feeling from the first feeling. We talked about various things such as the future and what our experience had taught us and how we would apply it when we returned to University. Naturally, I led the conversation and we talked about a lot of things.

I couldn’t believe how much time had pressed us during the conversation. We were 50 minutes into our meeting and I still hadn’t told her. I had to leave within 10/15 minutes in order to leave for Jummah. I didn’t quite know how to break it or at this point if I was going to break it at all.

She said “To finish on a final note, do you remember that guy . . ?”

I don’t know what happened but I just butted straight in and said “I don’t know quite how to say this, it’s extremely difficult as I’ve never said to anyone this but I really need to tell you something. Recently I’ve had feelings for you, feelings that I can’t yet quite describe. I just wanted to know, do you feel the same?”

Boom! A warhead was just dropped!

She just looked at me, absolutely mesmerised. There was a prolonged moment of silence.

Soft-sounded words were spoken ”Okay”. Silence had broke out again, she continued “But . . . it doesn’t change anything. We can still be friends. I’m still . . urm with him“.

I responded “I completely respect that and I don’t wish to interfere. The curiosity was killing me and I just had to know”.

There was another silence. I was then bombarded with questions, such as:

What?
Where?
How?
Oh my god – How long have you felt like this?
Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
I never saw you like that?

After my responses she then said she didn’t know. She couldn’t clarify what that meant.

She said the way I put everything was just so perfect, beautiful and sweet. She continued “You’re so good - Islamic, intelligent, attractive . . with everything going for you in life. I’m ‘bad’, why me?”

You can’t help who you fall for I said.

I asked her “What would your response have been if you weren’t in this situation?”

I retracted the question straight away. I asked her not to respond. I realised it was an extremely dangerous question to ask.

After clearing the air, we agreed to leave it that.

Upon returning to work after the weekend, it was my final week at the company. I received an email from her asking me if it was a joke. She sent another email saying things were difficult and I wouldn’t see more of her.

This was absolutely fine as it affected me in no way. What was done was done.

I had a presentation summarising my work and departure for my department/others. I had a surprise guest appearance – Hikmah! I was confused. She attended and spent the whole time look at a blank wall. She didn’t utter a word or make eye contact. I was confused. I didn’t question it.

Day before my leaving day, she turned up to my department again. There were a large number of colleagues in my department wishing me all the best for the future and I saw her. She was talking to people in my department she’s never talked to. She was stood a few feet away from me just staring blank at the floor. She was in a world of her own. I greeted her with salaam and left it at that.

I got a number of mixed messages from her. My thoughts were that she wanted me to pursue her. My heart wanted to. . My brain disagreed. Yes, I woke up.

My world is full of reality. My world is Islam. My work here was done. It was time to move on.

Minutes before my departure, I felt obliged to have the final say. I typed quite possibly the quickest email I’ve typed.

In Summary, I said:

“We’ll close this page of the book and inshallah it will benefit us both.

I learnt you were in a relationship as I told you I was under the assumption you was single due to . . I try to do stuff islamically – it’s my character and it’s who I am. I would never do anything to come in between people.

You said it wouldn’t change anything but it clearly has. Your body language spoke a million words.

Either way I’ve thought very long and hard about it – I was willing to sacrifice so much and it’s ultimately a price I was willing to pay.

Having gone past that stage –If you’re happy, stick with what you have and I hope Allah brings you and your family a lifetime of happiness.

You know I only see and wish the best in people. Please don’t take this anything other than positive.

We should leave it here and move on. You’ve taught me a lot – this experience has. It’s life – we all move on.”

At long last I felt at peace. I felt happy and ready to move on.

However, since moving back, the first few weeks were extremely difficult.

I felt really sad. Perhaps rejected? I had a number of dreams with mixed directions. Stupid little things started to get to me. Should I have kept in contact with her? Why didn’t I let her know sooner? Wasn’t I good enough for her? And it just went on.

Time is a healer. It’s now been 6 weeks since I told her. Since then I’ve had a lot to think about.

I cannot describe how blessed I am to be in this position. Allah truly works in mysterious ways.

Lessons learnt to be followed.

The First Experience - Part 1

Over this past year I was away working. I met somebody who changed my life.

It was last year after Ramadhan when I first met her.

Hikmah is what I’ll call her.

We first met after brief introductions. In our first conversation we were both exactly in the same boat feeling the same way. We both were over a hundred miles away from home, moving away for the first time. We were in similar positions wanting to achieve similar goals.

Hikmah was the only muslim female that I personally encountered in the city. She was also the only muslim female that worked in the same place over thousands of associates.

Given the situation, we both felt alienated and a little homesick. We bonded well on this basis. As time progressed we learnt more about each other.

Hikmah was a westernised, non-practicing muslim woman. She had an active ‘western’ social life. She felt strong about Islamic values but not enough to be practicing. She, like many others in the west was waiting for the ‘right’ moment to start. She was cheerful, intelligent and funny.

She used to approach me for advice and I treated her like a sister. She often approached me personal issues. She must have felt comfortable around in order to share.

One day she approached me and asked me not to get angry because we had the whole brother/sister understanding - she wanted some advice on her relationship. I told her honestly what I thought of the situation. I highlighted the problems and how islamically it wasn’t viable. She embraced the facts that I had presented to her and took my advice on board.

When she informed me that she’d like to embrace Islam and settle down. I realised what her goal was but her method was the completely wrong way of going about it. When I realised her intentions - I advised her strongly about marriage. She said it was her intent to do so in the future. The guy was a classic example of a player. She reassessed her situation and said she will have a long and hard think about it.

As the months went along, she’d drop a few emails here and there and in person whilst passing by we’d just exchange the mutual salam whenever we saw each other - kept it brief. Some months later she went abroad and I didn’t see her for a few months. Business was normal.

I was on route for a coffee break with my group of colleagues. Whilst walking, I saw Hikmah. I couldn’t describe what had happened. My heart just sunk. Butterflies . . everywhere.

We greeted each other. My surroundings were talking. I entered a lonely abyss. Questioning what happened. “SoulSeek . . what do you think?”. I was just completely lost – “Yeah” I said.

“Yeah? . . . . Were you even listening” I thought.

I was lost. Confused. What had happened?

This is crazy! I told myself. I continued . . no, no and no! I can’t have feelings for her. It’s not right! It just didn’t 'go'!

I convinced myself it was just lust and nothing else. I put it down to the fact that she was the only muslim female I had interacted with since I moved away.

I shared it with a close brother who also knew her and he said he saw it a mile off. He said we got on/clicked extremely well and I was overly protective over her (sub consciously?).

I tried avoiding this fiasco and I attempted to part with my feelings for a few months. Over this period, I avoided meeting her.

It did nothing for me. My feelings grew stronger.

I just couldn’t put my finger on it. She was attractive but not my type. What did I like so much about her?

I pondered.

I was then dropped the line “You can’t help who you fall for”.

I then pondered some more.

Why did he say that? That just kept playing with me. Did I really fall for her?

How can I fall for someone who’s extremely ‘brit-social’/not Islamic/away from my ideals?

Time progressed. The feelings had now grown to a point where I began contemplating “can it be?”

Could it be?

Part 2