Thursday, 6 August 2009

What am I looking for?

i've told several people that i'm looking or marriage. i guess that was the first step. but the first question i am asked is always "what are you looking for in a wife?" (or something along those lines). then i would get into some sort of panic frenzy and think "what sort of question is that? are you trying to suss me out as to what sort of person i am?" so i keep the answer vague. "erm... she has to be islamic". (thinks: ha - stop trying to analyse me)

the real answer is actually "i don't know".

the fact is that i have been attracted to such a mix of different girls that i'm now not sure which sort of personality (or background) is most suitable for me. maybe it's all? maybe it's none. i once grew close to a sister who was not very islamic. but i liked her (and i was pretty sure she liked me). had feelings for her. felt like i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. and that freaked the hell outta me! not because i am scared of commitment or anything like that. it's because i could see myself falling for a girl who was not islamic.

all these ideas i have grown up started to overwhelm me with self-doubt. such as how Allah (swt) created partners for us - and that if you are good, then Allah (swt) will give you a partner who is good like you. and if you are bad, then Allah (swt) will send you a partner who, like you, is also bad.

i also felt emotions i had never experienced before. like my mind and my heart wanted different things. how can i have an interest in someone who is not islamic? is that normal? does that mean that i am really not islamic at all? i remember the days where i used to give the disapproving look to people who went for girls who weren't islamic. and then i found myself in that exact same position. and you can't help how you feel... right?

to cut a long story short, i prayed istikhara. and the signs were extremely bad. my feelings for her started to dissolve. and for some reason, they started to transform into dislike for her. i started to pick at the things which i didn't like about her - all those things that were cleverly disguised while i was lusting for this girl. and a couple weeks later, she took off her hijab. then my heart was filled with hatred for her. again, i had never felt such powerful emotions.

i took that as a sign. i need to look for someone islamic. and the answer to the first question i am asked after i reveal i am a marriage seeker, stays true. admittedly, still vague. but nonetheless, still true.


  1. Assalamu Alaikum bro,

    I remember when you approached me with this dilemma I was umm'ing and arr'ing as I had no idea what to advise.

    Soon after, I experienced a similar situation.

    These experiences benefit in more ways than we think. There's always a number of lessons to be learnt.

    Allah tests us in these situations for a purpose.

    I pray to Allah we succeed in our mission :)

  2. How about getting to know her as a friend and go from there.I think you are powerfully attracted to her,but my best advice is to start all over again with an open mind.Give it a change,you have nothing to loose,much to gain and you will not regret for not having dipped your foot as you tested the water.

  3. you know what they say, don't you?

    "it's better to have loved, then lost, than never to have loved at all".

    whenever i heard that, i used to think "yeh, rite!"

    but, my experience has taught me a very, very valuable thing - that emotions are a very, very powerful thing; and they are very hard to control. they define you; whether you control them or not. and the idea of my emotions controlling me is definately a scary one.


    it were my emotions which let me become close friends with her and those same emotions covered up the fact that this girl was not right for me; covered up all those heart-breaking flaws that proved she would never make a good wife. nor a good mother. which means that she would definitely not be good for my afterlife either.

    this reminds me of another one of those 'sayings' that we hear so very often: "love is blind".

    but i don't agree with that. at all. in fact, i never have.

    love, i believe, should bring clarity to our thoughts. i don't quite know why i think like this. but i still think that famous quote "love is blind", should be permanently changed to "lust is blind".

    yes, that's much better.

    lust is blind.

  4. In my experience - a good person is a good person and this is what to look for. Anyone can call themselves "Muslim" - does it mean that they are? My experience in life tells me no. Look for the do-gooder, the one with the clean heart and way-of-being. As you get to know eachother, you will syncronise: each person changing a little to adapt to the other and compliment the other.

    Example: A divorced syrian brother I know married an English woman, after divorcing a Muslim woman. She (the English lady, who just so happens to be a dear friend of mine) supports him in everything he does, is committed to learning about the Muslim way of life. She works in a hospital with children and walahi, she does not have a bad bone in her body. She assists his Iman and nurtures all that is good in him. They make an excellent pair mashaAllah, in her heart she submits. She does not swear, she does not backbite, she fasts during ramadan to help her husband do it, she has begun to read Quran and attends Arabic school to speak his language, she keeps no secrets from him and has no male friends. MashaAllah, she is more Islamic than some of the Muslim sisters I know!

    True Islam lies in the words and the actions of a person - not in the package it comes in. Once you are together, she who loves you and supports you will seek to please you and she will become more Islamic over time god willing.

    I have seen this with my own eyes, and I would say look for character - look to how they treat the people around them, look if they are generous and forgiving: these are the qualities for success (in my opinion) and everything else is minor details that can be rectified over time.

  5. Lust is blind . . I like that.

    Growing up we've all seen it in the west. You know the 'sistas' wearing hijab, flirting with the lads, smoking roll ups.

    Never judge a book by its cover.

    It's extremely important to look for similarities in personality/interests and good honest traits as Jasmine outlined.

    Anyone can change their religious outlook. Not everyone can change inclination of who they are.

  6. that's an excellent point on inclination, soulseek.

    some people put up a front when others are around. it takes time and interaction to realise someone's true inclinations.