Monday, 10 August 2009

The First Experience - Part 2

Part 1

Could it be . . was what I was left with.

After looking at the possibilities, it was feasible.

I went to the drawing board and questioned my criteria’s. For example; would it would be acceptable to marry a non-practising potential?

I seemed to have an answer for every question.

It was now approaching the last couple of weeks of my time there. I debated continuously whether or not I should let her know.
I’ve always been the one to think with my brain. Heart is the weakness of man. We become irrational and make the wrong judgement.

My brain disagreed but my heart was curious. How curious?

To a point where it was the only thing on my mind.

Do I just ignore my feelings and go back home regretting it or do I just ask and know where I stand? I had to cure this curiosity.

I needed affirmation from various Muslim characters to make sure I wasn’t cracking up and I was looking for advice on where I stood on the issue. After various conversations, I was brought to a larger picture.

Deep down I had a feeling it would be extremely difficult if things did work out. I felt her outlook would haunt me. On the other hand it could turn out well – a partner for life. I felt a ‘no’ would put me at ease, cure my curiosity and allow me to move on. A yes would complicate things and create a whole new horde of problems.

This would be a decision I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

What was exactly my plan?

My plan was to let her know how I felt. Upon her response, if she felt the same way I would have to take that on board and then contact her family and get to know her properly over a course of time. Then make an informed, rational decision based upon on that.

If she said no then I would just move on. My curiosity would be cured. Win – Win.

Then there was the Don’t Know/Need time to think responses. I had thought about each outcome. I was prepared.

The choice was made to take action.

I had emailed her and she agreed to meet me at specified day/time.

The day had come. I was nervous yet so cool and chilled out. My trust was always with Allah for the best outcome.

When I saw her, I got that same feeling from the first feeling. We talked about various things such as the future and what our experience had taught us and how we would apply it when we returned to University. Naturally, I led the conversation and we talked about a lot of things.

I couldn’t believe how much time had pressed us during the conversation. We were 50 minutes into our meeting and I still hadn’t told her. I had to leave within 10/15 minutes in order to leave for Jummah. I didn’t quite know how to break it or at this point if I was going to break it at all.

She said “To finish on a final note, do you remember that guy . . ?”

I don’t know what happened but I just butted straight in and said “I don’t know quite how to say this, it’s extremely difficult as I’ve never said to anyone this but I really need to tell you something. Recently I’ve had feelings for you, feelings that I can’t yet quite describe. I just wanted to know, do you feel the same?”

Boom! A warhead was just dropped!

She just looked at me, absolutely mesmerised. There was a prolonged moment of silence.

Soft-sounded words were spoken ”Okay”. Silence had broke out again, she continued “But . . . it doesn’t change anything. We can still be friends. I’m still . . urm with him“.

I responded “I completely respect that and I don’t wish to interfere. The curiosity was killing me and I just had to know”.

There was another silence. I was then bombarded with questions, such as:

Oh my god – How long have you felt like this?
Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
I never saw you like that?

After my responses she then said she didn’t know. She couldn’t clarify what that meant.

She said the way I put everything was just so perfect, beautiful and sweet. She continued “You’re so good - Islamic, intelligent, attractive . . with everything going for you in life. I’m ‘bad’, why me?”

You can’t help who you fall for I said.

I asked her “What would your response have been if you weren’t in this situation?”

I retracted the question straight away. I asked her not to respond. I realised it was an extremely dangerous question to ask.

After clearing the air, we agreed to leave it that.

Upon returning to work after the weekend, it was my final week at the company. I received an email from her asking me if it was a joke. She sent another email saying things were difficult and I wouldn’t see more of her.

This was absolutely fine as it affected me in no way. What was done was done.

I had a presentation summarising my work and departure for my department/others. I had a surprise guest appearance – Hikmah! I was confused. She attended and spent the whole time look at a blank wall. She didn’t utter a word or make eye contact. I was confused. I didn’t question it.

Day before my leaving day, she turned up to my department again. There were a large number of colleagues in my department wishing me all the best for the future and I saw her. She was talking to people in my department she’s never talked to. She was stood a few feet away from me just staring blank at the floor. She was in a world of her own. I greeted her with salaam and left it at that.

I got a number of mixed messages from her. My thoughts were that she wanted me to pursue her. My heart wanted to. . My brain disagreed. Yes, I woke up.

My world is full of reality. My world is Islam. My work here was done. It was time to move on.

Minutes before my departure, I felt obliged to have the final say. I typed quite possibly the quickest email I’ve typed.

In Summary, I said:

“We’ll close this page of the book and inshallah it will benefit us both.

I learnt you were in a relationship as I told you I was under the assumption you was single due to . . I try to do stuff islamically – it’s my character and it’s who I am. I would never do anything to come in between people.

You said it wouldn’t change anything but it clearly has. Your body language spoke a million words.

Either way I’ve thought very long and hard about it – I was willing to sacrifice so much and it’s ultimately a price I was willing to pay.

Having gone past that stage –If you’re happy, stick with what you have and I hope Allah brings you and your family a lifetime of happiness.

You know I only see and wish the best in people. Please don’t take this anything other than positive.

We should leave it here and move on. You’ve taught me a lot – this experience has. It’s life – we all move on.”

At long last I felt at peace. I felt happy and ready to move on.

However, since moving back, the first few weeks were extremely difficult.

I felt really sad. Perhaps rejected? I had a number of dreams with mixed directions. Stupid little things started to get to me. Should I have kept in contact with her? Why didn’t I let her know sooner? Wasn’t I good enough for her? And it just went on.

Time is a healer. It’s now been 6 weeks since I told her. Since then I’ve had a lot to think about.

I cannot describe how blessed I am to be in this position. Allah truly works in mysterious ways.

Lessons learnt to be followed.


  1. wow. i can see a lot of lessons that we can learn from your experience, soulseek.

    first of all, mashaAllah - you managed to get through this experience while retaining your islamic personality. that is one extremely difficult thing to do.

    and at least now, you won't have those "what if?" thoughts bugging you every second of every day...

    closure is so important. i can't stress that enough. without that, you would struggle to move on. you might even find yourself making constant comparisons between this lady and the next lady in your life; and that could be very unhealthy.

  2. Very brave of you to just come out with it like that and email at the end, mashaAllah, and I am especially impressed with your reluctance to play games. A lot of people play games - and by this I mean that even if they don't return your feelings, they still give hints and clues to encourage you to pursue them. This is especially true of females who are ambivalent, or seeking ego satisfaction.

    Of course, unclear endings will always play with our head for a while - but only for a short time. And we also need a few "warm ups" to train us for "the one" - when you find the one, you will know - because nothing will deter you from her or distract you from her, and you will just KNOW.

    When a female likes you she will:

    1. Return your confession of feelings with her own

    2. Smile a LOT and treat you differently to others around her (because she is nervous around you and her stomach can't take your presence)

    3. Accept your invitations without pause

    There are more, but those are the main ones ;0)

    Peace be with you, Jasmine ;)

  3. GH - So true. I thought of the repercussions if I didn't ask. The advantages far outweighed the opposite.

    Shaytaan makes it difficult - your emotions start to play with you.

    That said I'm forever greatful for this experience. The lessons I learnt were so worth it.

  4. Jasmine - Thank you so much for your post.

    I've heard quite a bit about these type of women who want to satisfy their ego trip. That's why I'm glad I made the decision to talk to her near the end and leave no contact details.

    I dislike people who play games.

    I must admit .. I didn't quite see it from that perspective! I used to get #2 a lot.

    I was given the impression I should have made it known long before. That said it worked out for the better. Allah knows best.

    I definitely agree, without this experience I believe I wouldn't have matured in my thinking and more importantly, I wouldn't be here writing about it. I've identified a number of things become clear when you find the one! :)

  5. As'salaam Walaikum..i didn't reazlie there was a part two...this entery really hurt, your steps were perfect.

    that longing feeling, you overcame them..that takes so much strength and will, it took my breath away, b/c it's a price u pay w/ your emotions.

    your appreication of Allah, mash'allah you've taught me a lesson too


  6. Walaikum Salam,

    It's extremely difficult to find the courage to make a decision as such. I do sometimes question my steps.

    I agree, it is indeed a price you pay. For every action there's a consequence. As Jasmine pointed out unclear endings do play with us for a while.

    Sadly it's just the way we are.

    Allah knows best.