Monday, 3 August 2009

Lets talk Parents & Marriage

Parental intervention is unavoidable. Especially when it comes to marriage.

I discussed various issues with my parents and they seem to change their mind regularly.

How so?

When I initially discussed with my parents they said understandably that it's a decision I would have to live with rest of my life with. My mother said she would be happy with any decision I make because my criteria is Islam and I'm apparently the most intelligent young man.

Now whilst the hunt is on, my parents can't help themselves but change the 'criteria' completely. She must be a Pakistani, who is from a specific village within a specific caste . . oh and a title would also be nice.

Ermm, hello?

After discussing with them, it's there to safe guard me and keep the family within the 'village from back home'.

Rubbish. I quite easily got the answer from my mother . . you see; pakistani women like to gossip a lot. She said she can't handle the way women back bite and trash talk people.

Now it's somewhat understandable. For me it's as simple as staying away from such people but living in a community where you're seen as 'the respectable family' it spirals into a world of ridiculous, petty talk. Haven't these people got nothing better to do? Clearly not.

I'll talk them around, wisdom shall persevere Inshallah!

Have you encountered similar?

How would you deal with your folks?


  1. Yes, I know this problem - the problem of "caring too much about what people think" - to the extent that it rules your decisions, the advice you give, the choices you make and the way you live you life.

    Dedicating your choices, lifestyle, advice and thought process to something to this level is called "worship"

    It's a common trap - fearing the people as if they are Gods. I've done it myself in the past - to terrible consequences.

    Therefore, I would explain clearly and kindly that what other people think doesn't matter. Gossip has no power over anyone and it "avoiding gossip" is no reason to do or not do something. The reason that people gossip is...because they are gossips! They'll gossip about whatever they can get there hands on because thats the way that they are.

    Listen calmly and with consideration to your parents, and understand that this is their fear-of-people in operation before your eyes. Then, do what you want anyway. It's on;y by doing what you think is best that you learn it doesn't matter what people think or say. It only matters what God thinks and says, and he said "marry of the believing women" and this is a duty upon you. He did not say: "and worry about what people think of you and say about you". So don't fear opinions: including those of mum and dad. If what you are doing is good and moral then God is with you and you don't need to fear a thing: it will work out for you in the end. This you can be sure of. ;0) Peace and blessings,


  2. Salam from the U.S.! I am a newbie to the blogging world. Great post!

    Yeah, I can soooo relate...when I got married I experienced the same pressure--as if finding a mate for life isn't hard enough on its own, right?! lol ;) I agree with Jasmine especially with the whole "worship" idea of fearing people as though they are gods and with her idea of while approaching your parents to "listen calmly and with consideration." Personally, I have adopted a "nod and smile" technique from a former mentor...and seem to be doing that a lot lately myself with the pressures/fears from fam about grad school...he-he, whole other ballgame in itself (e.g., "so and so got their Master's and Ph.D. in a combined program in only 3 years, can you do that?"...*nod and smile*)

    Whatever you do, trust your gut and as long as your intentions are good, then InshaAllah you will find the one.

    Just remember (as you probably already know) this pressure or wait, I like how you word it, this "intervention" (such political correctness!) will continue. Next will be "when are you going to have kids," then will be "you need to do this when you raise them," and then will be "when are you having another baby?" Alhamdulillah my parents never went through that with me (grad school was supposed to be first, cough-cough) but other family tried to pres...ahem, intervene *nod and smile*

    The only way I can explain it is when you meet her, you will KNOW. Best wishes, InshaAllah khair. :)



    P.S.--found your blog through Jasmine's (who has an awesome blog but have yet to comment on)...I agree that the best way to expand your readership is to comment on others' blogs--I was clicking around yesterday and today for a bit and that's how I found Jasmine and you

    (btw, tried to post once but somehow it erased my comment...sorry if duplicated, not sure if you have the approve before posting option on)

  3. Assalamu Alaikum,

    Jasmine - I completely agree with you.

    However it's extremely important to take parents into consideration when making this choice. That doesn't mean they should dictate our choice but more so be a guide.

    It's a trivial dilemma. A number of issues make it quite difficult.

    I feel that I will get approval maybe not the approval for their choice but approval for my decision Inshallah.

    It always works out in the end, Allah willing :)

  4. Mimi - Waliakum Salam, wooo! My first international comment!

    I too am a fan of the nod and smile approach. The occasional sarcastic response or silence goes down a treat too! As reasoning just doesn't seem to work at times.

    Sabr is the game when you're bombarded with a 1001 question about your personal life/marriage life.

    I still have a long way to go. I've learnt a shed load from my past experiences and I still have a long way to go. I have so much on my mind, I like to think a lot.

    Ultimately, this will find my the one Inshallah.

  5. Salam,

    I've gone through this 'from the same community' thing quite a bit. Honestly speaking, I had left this department to my parents but it seems like the 'community' they are looking in has changed over time (or we have). Religion seems to be a scary thing, a girl wearing a hijab is conservative (even though she may be an engineer trying to make it out there in the world on her own (obviously with Allah SWT's help) ) and what not. And now I'm looking for the halal-est ways to look on my own, in whatever community.
    The whole process gives me a headache.
    Sorry, I just ranted on your blog. I should've done taht on my own. JazakAllah for reading my comment :)

  6. Indeed we should involve our parents while choosing spouse for marriage. Their advice is always helpful in every matter and indeed marriage is very serious matter of life.