Monday, 24 January 2011

That Feeling

That feeling when you feel like you're weak. After being so strong.
That feeling when everything is really good. It turns sour. 
That feeling when you prepare for hardship. It comes. You laugh at it IN THE FACE. Then it comes with something minor and you lose.

I'm frustrated. I want to explain. I will. The next 3 nights will be on their way. I've been busy. I've travelled so much, I'm tired physically and exhausted mentally. I'll post when I get the time to. 

I haven't rested over the weekend. My body is pain. Sore throat. I need to be up in 3 hours for fajr and work a contracted job all day for the whole week. My brain needs to be in tip top condition for my field. It isn't. Bleh.

Shaitaan is having a field day with my mind. I'm disappointed with myself. After all that I've been through. I should be so much stronger. In this self-reflection stage. I lost some beautiful qualities I had. I need to sort it. I need to sort me. ASAP.

Human. Feeble creature I am.

I will be occupied this week. This is good.
I will be training hard this week. Keep my mind off things.
I will meet more company this week. I need to loosen up. Can't let that smile go away.
I will turn my situation around. I'm confident. Or deal with it. A conclusion.
Tafsir classes every night this week. Understanding Allah. Ward off waswasa (whispers of Shaitaan).
I'm cleaning up my diet again. Enforce routine and habits.

Pain. I remember you. Go away. That is all.

Allah. I've never lost faith. EVER.

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  1. You seem like you have things under control, in terms of trying to figure out what needs to be done. Just remember that sometimes it is good to be weak. I recently came across something that was said by a sheikh that really touched me in the particular phase I was going through. Basically being 'broken' is a good thing and Allah is with the broken hearted ones, because it is through the cracks of that broken heart that the light of Allah will enter. So continue to be patient and inshAllah things will be alright, all of this is temporary anyways.

    Trust in Allah is also something (I think) that is much more complicated than many people make it appear to be. It's not a black and white thing that people can just say, there are degrees of it and they are demonstrated in our actions and thoughts so it is really important to continue to strive for sacred knowledge and self reflection in order to understand what is at the root of what we feel.

  2. salams,

    may Allah swt make it easy on you. bro.

    much duas.


  3. Salaam SoulSeek,
    You are showing all of the signs of stress. I think the problem is that you are trying to make this decision intellectually (by thinking) instead of really letting and letting yourself feel.

    I recommend having a nice hot bath, with candles and nice smells and allow yourself to sink back and daydream. During that daydream you will either get pleasant feelings and imaginings of a future or you will get massive anxiety feelings.

    It's only when you are in a state of absolute relaxation can you really connect with your spiritual self and understand how you actually emotionally feel about things.

    Do this for a couple of days in row and try and abandon the thinking and get back in touch with how you feel.

  4. You should pat yourself on the back for reaching this far and try to remove those doubts in yourself. Be optimistic and do not let shaitan put you down. You reached this point for a reason,with the Help of Allah(swt), and with the Help of Allah(swt) you will come out at the end...with success and more inshaAllah.

    The Prophet(saws) said:

    ''Be Mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. Recognise and Acknowledge Allah in times of ease and prosperity, and He will Remember you in times of adversity. And know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that Victory comes with Patience, Relief with Affliction, and Hardship with Ease'' (narrated by At-Tirmidhee as hasan)

  5. salams again,

    you might have inshaAllah made the decision by now. i thought of sharing something that occured to me, was actually closing your eyes and listing the qualities of the future spouse and evaluating them to see if those are the sound qualities that you should actually go for.
    how about a list of pros and cons?

  6. Assalaam Alaikum brother Soul Seek,

    Insha'Allah, this message finds you well. =)

    As Hijabi Sailoress said above, you may or may not have made your decision by now, but I just wanted to offer some words of advice. Now that you've taken a look at the situation through a rational/methodical perspective, I too advise you to trust your instinct and feelings on this one. Often times we ignore our heart for fear of making the wrong choice, but it may be the best guide. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala aid you in this extremely important decision.

    Also, I just wanted to give some nasiha on a certain post of yours. In one of your recent entries you physically described the prospective sister, which is I believe is something that should be removed, because for the males who visit your blog it may conjure images in their minds of what this particular sister looks like. As narrated:

    The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wasallam) said, "A woman should not look at or touch another woman to describe her to her husband in such a way as if he was actually looking at her."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari 7:167]

    The same I'm sure goes for brothers describing a sisters physical attributes.

  7. Salaam...I've been away for a couple of access to Internet.

    I return to find you so close, so very very close, to making the biggest decision you will possibly ever have to make. SubhanAllah.

    The words posted by other readers are so very true. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in her. Have strength. Go back to the beginning, remember the whole story.