I recently bought a new phone. Whenever I buy a phone, it's usually a top end phone. Something that will last me years. Good craftmanship. Good vendor. Good developer community for the software/apps, so on and so forth. It takes me a while to make an informed decision. I have to gather facts and information to ensure I'm making a good decison. The right decision. It took me 7 weeks to get the phone I wanted, with the best deal to suit my needs. That's me. And I have issues. Hi :-/
Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.
I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.
Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.
Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.
There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.
I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.
Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.
I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(
I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes.
To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.
Night four of Istikhara. Complete.
Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.
Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.
I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.
Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.
Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.
There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.
I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.
Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.
I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(
I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes.
To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.
Night four of Istikhara. Complete.
Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.
I think you really need to understand that there is absolutely no way you will ever be 100% or even 50% sure that you are not making a 'mistake'. I say 'mistake' because whatever happens in this world was meant to happen in this way so really there aren't any 'mistakes' per se and I think there is wisdom in everything that occurs in the world, we just need to understand that. I also think you might be looking for some sort of assurance that just isn't there and will not come. You need to have stronger faith in Allah (swt), and be comfortable in knowing that you can never be sure, but whatever happens, then there will always be wisdom in whatever God throws at you - so long as you keep your faith strong and your intentions clear.
ReplyDeleteWe're all afraid of going through tribulations, nobody wants to experience them but in the end they happen to all of us and to the best of because Allah tests those that he loves. And we really can't control which ones we want, and which we don't want.
I think you should continue to do your istikhara and hopefully you'll be able to see things a bit more clearly, but I think you need to relax and understand that there are things we have no control over (i.e. the future). We all need to work hard, get as much information as we can and in the end make a decision and just relax because we are in good Hands. Allah will take care of us and provide us with our needs, so long as we trust that he will provide and protect us.
I don't really think you are going to to find the assurance that you are looking for and if you keep measuring things in order to predict an outcome, the more it will drive you crazy. You make a decision and trust that whatever happens, will happen because Allah willed it.
Anonymous - That's a beautiful post and thank you.
ReplyDeleteEverything you've said, just there? Hits home.
I've covered a lot of that in the 'fifth night' which will be published tomorrow as I've just done istikhara.
Thank you for taking your time to write that.
salaam 'alaikum,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about making a mistake. My own brother fell into it. He thought he just wanted to marry for deen and akhlaq.Nothing else.And so he married a girl and compromised a lot in the looks department,and family status vis-a-vis what was expected. She seemed timid,shy and well she did wear a full-out jilbab(I'm talking black head to toe tent type). About a year and a baby later she turned 180 degrees on him. It was horrible. Thats when my mom pointed the finger at him and said he should have listened to her,but still she was there for him,we all were.Its what Allah writes for you,but one has to work and strive hard and not take it granted.He did try,but it seems that the ppl who recommended her were wrong or just lied? Ugh. Thinking about it makes me angry.
Just try to find out about how she is with her mother, which is very important, and her family. As my bro's wife seemed that she was a 'burden' on her family and the dad was glad to get rid of her,subhanAllah!
I don't want to scare you at all!just dont want anyone to go through what my bro did. It scared me for sure! lol. au'othobillah.
But I'll make duas for you,InshaAllah.May Allah give the most deserving pious sister.
Salams bro,
ReplyDeleteI think, everyone has said, what I came here to say. I agree with your situation and how you are feeling right now.
But, one thing I learned today was that, there are somethings we can learn to compromise while others we can't. as long as your potential has the basics down (deen and ahlaq) IA, it is sufficient for the marriage to work. =)
you are in my prayers, bro. :)
ahlam, not everyone has a saint for a mother, I dont think your statement is fair
ReplyDeletemy comment disappeared:)?
ReplyDeleteBasically,Anonymous what I said in my disappeared post was that I didn't really get what you meant:) It'd be helpful if showed me which point you were referring to?
ReplyDeleteI think you meant that its not possible to always accept our mum's decision? Thats true, you dont have to.
But what I also meant was that your future spouse should at least be kind and gracious towards their mum and dad. At the veeerry least. It shows not only their gratitude to Allah(swt) but also their gratitude to their parents and is part of good akhlaaq.Also Allah commamded us to be good to them whether we like it or not.
Hope that clears it:D
i think you just touched a nerve, im female and at times living with my darling mommy is a STRUGGLE, but i still think i would make an amazing wife :)
ReplyDeleteHowever I get the point your making, family values etc. that is something that i look at to when considering potentials.
im more traditional than i am religious so...
aww bless you.
ReplyDeleteYes,wallahi, our mommies can be hurtful...but I try to remind myself at times, how life would be without her? And the pains and headaches I may have caused her when I was the little mischevious child.lol. You know, they don't particulary like showing their feelings but deep-down they do feel bad when we say a bad word or frown or whatever...Which is the wisdom behind the saying of Allah''and do not say a word of disrespect to them'' literally saying ''uff'' hurts them.
I hope that I can take care of them when they are older, even if that means not getting hitched!(Think how many ppl forget their parents after getting married,how sad). There was a story of two brothers fighting in the courts over who would take care of the mother and have her living with him,each one wanted her to himself! SubhanAllah.
(and sorry for the long post;P)
Salams.
ReplyDeletei married for deen. i read istikhara, but even in that, there was no sure answer.
many times, you wont get an outright feeling or dream.
i thought that if one marries for deen- and deen alone- things would have to work out. After all, how could it not?
but each person's marker for deen is different.
and deen is usually moulded by people's personality.
it's supposed to be the other way around, but that's a rare gift to find.
as for looks....even status- if you marry a girl thinking you could have done better- I can assure you, that thought will leach into your actions until even she knows what you might never say out loud.
it doesn't matter if it's patently untrue and she might be worthier of someone better- it's how You see her.
People are never so stupid that they don't know when they're being handed leftover emotions or only 20% of what you're capable off.
So gratitude and pity....isn't what you start off with. Because come some time, and you might have to compromise or sacrifice on something big, you'll resent the girl, because she had started off as unequal.
When I married, it was with the idea that love doesn't exist before marriage.
So when I wasn't overwhelmingly excited, I assumed that I was finally maturing.
Hadn't everyone told me that our varisty crushes were completely unrealistic?
In real relationships, there shouldn't be lots of drama and fluttering heartbeats.
That's what I told myself. That's what everyone told me too.
But-
If you're feeling a niggling sense of something you don't know what- stop it.
And when you finally make a decision- don't let it be one by default.
Or exhaustion.
You should make that decision thinking that you would choose her over and over again because you actually want her.
Not cos she just ticks the right boxes and theoretically it should work.
Afterwards, I wondered if that nigglng feeling perhaps was the answer to my istikhara. But at the time, I had made dua that the outcome be whatever is good for me. And even then- I never Knew.
As for what everyone says- you can never run from that. But if you like the girl enough, it shouldn't be a problem. However, if you marry her with a few reservations, waiting for the shoe to fall- Bad Idea. That's not the right attitude.
I personally found that friends were more perceptive than family members. Family members were all too eager to see you hitched, with the boxes ticked, to look for anything deeper.
Close friends, on the other hand, who know you, how you interact, and are privy to other more subtle characteristics that family members tend to skim over...expect different things for you.
I think their impressions count.
And likewise, when I met my close friends' possible spouses- I knew the one's who would go. And the one's who would stay.
(This only applies to Really close friends, obviously)
*phew*
I hope this helps.
And remember....marry in haste, repent at leisure.
*jaws soundtrack*
p.s. a girl who laughs at All your jokes and blatantly adores you and never once rolls her eyes...
well.
that's suspicious right there.