Tuesday, 18 January 2011

First Night Of The Decision

The first potential ever to make it to my house took place on Sunday afternoon. We've had a number of meets but it was the first one that SoulSeek's family got to invite and consider.

Everyone was around. Majority of my siblings, my sister in law, nieces. Lots of nice food was prepared. Bukhoor was lit and could be smelt everywhere. The house was very clean. Even my bedroom was picture perfect.

I know I have a lot of gaps to fill and I promise I will. I've wrote up posts but I'll drop them at a later date.

Brief Summary. Considered a sister I didn't want to. My mind was set on someone else. However, I was persuaded to check this girl out. I like a quick challenge. Thought I would give it a try, filter a quick application. Got to know her. She turns out to be much better than I imagined. I became a bit fishy, it felt too easy. No pain or discomfort like usual. Lots of chemistry. We have a few meets with my sister. I grow to really like the girl. Just looking at the girl I can see feels the same way. Things progress quickly and family's meet. Girl gets hit by reality "OMG, I'm going to be leaving my life. This is scary." She wants to rethink this very important decision. I have a few doubts of my own to deal with. I suggest we do istikharaa for 7 nights.

The format. I will be writing a post every day, for the next 7 days. I'm currently on a break from communicating with my potential spouse. We both want to spend this time with ourselves and Allah to make sure we're making the right decision.

Here's a log of me doing that.

Night One
I don't have to worry about me as a person. She adores me. Her family really likes me. I tick all her criterias plus more. They think have I have really good akhlaq, deen, personality, way of thinking, full of hobbies and interests and a good family. Educated with high aspirations. "Good looking and athletic". Respectful. Has a mind of his own. Full of leadership qualities. Their words. Her parents had given me permission to communicate.

On her part. She's reconsidering to see if she's actually ready for marriage. Nerves have hit her. It's cool. She's leaving her life to join mine. It's hard. Being an emotional creature too. This isn't about me. It's about her.

On my part. Hah, I'm SoulSeek and I can and analyse a situation all day long. But lets take things at face value. A few doubts popped up on my end.

She's attractive but I have reservations if I'm really attracted to her. I am but sometimes that changes. My mother and sisters liked her but they felt I could do so much better in that department (of looks) given what had now become 11 potential prospects. I turned the volume down to ask how I feel. After all, family would always say that.

She is *that kind of woman*. Her nafsiyya and inclination towards islam is pretty much similar to mine. That's that sorted. I want to strip a few things  from her. Lets take away her deen and looks. I want to view her as a person with just a personality. 

She has a good, kind heart. She's scared to say no in order to please people.Whilst she has a number of deadlines, she's been doing work for other people. I like and dislike this at the same time. She teaches children Qur'an and Arabic. She wants to give back to the community. I really like that. I believe we all have an obligation. For every chav or messed up muslim youth out there. There's a responsibility. What did we do to help that individual? 

She's cute. A number of adorable qualities. She strikes me as a person that would do things to please me. When we went to their house, the night before I said I'd like a Strawberry Cheesecake. And that's what I got. Handmade. "With extra love."

She was raised as an only child. Had a few events unfold in her life. She needs attention. I've found her to be quite clingy.

Weird sense of humour. I get her humour which she finds rare but she's gonna have to keep up with mine. We do make each other laugh. Her jokes are so lame at times, I do find it funny.

Emotional. At my house, we were in my second living room. Her mother was present whilst mine went to make wudu for Salah. Whilst we were talking, I noticed her eyes watering up and tears starting to come down. "Heeey, what's up?" I said. "I don't know why I feel confused, just feel really weird." Gosh, what am I supposed to think? Her mother noticed this too and gave a "I'm going to have words with you" kind of look. She told me the night before because of her relationship with her mother, she's really scared of leaving her. Just an outburst of "this is very real."

Night one of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Undecided.


  1. Assalaam Alaikum,

    MashaAllah, it's really nice to read that you've found a potential. I know that can be a tough barrier to break. And the girl sounds super sweet too!

    If it's meant to be it will be. After all, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us, if something is written for you it will happen no matter what.

    As you already know, remember to keep your mind clear during Istikhara, and definitely keep us updated please.

  2. I don't usually post comments on the majority of things I read online but I felt a particular need to in this case.

    It really bothered me that the 'attraction' issue in this case is major. You obviously think she's pretty, and have already said that you are attraced to her, but... she's missing something in that department? It trully saddenes me when I see people who develop extremely high expectations in that regard; and what are those expectations or why is it that you or your family might think that 'you can do better'? People often seem to forget the humility that people should maintain and that Allah is the one that has made people beautiful and given them their physical characteristics. For some reason, people start to think that it gives them an upper hand or that they are somehow 'better' than others because of this?

    Scholars do emphasize that when choosing a partner, one should find another that is pleasing to the eye and I do believe that one person should not marry another if they think they are ugly. However all of this is arbitrary and beauty is really in the 'eye of the beholder'. Plus I think about 75% of someone's attraction actually comes out of their personalities. Anyways, I feel like people have taken that as a green light to come up and develop a range of really unrealistic expectations of what people should look like (drawn from images we see around us, in the media, tv, outside etc.). This makes people develop an idea of who they should be with that is based in comparison to everything out there instead of from within the way it should be.

    Looks don't last, people get old, get pregnant, sick, get wrinkles etc... and one should learn to love another beyond whatever unrealistic expectations are developed in someone's mind.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to come off as offensive or anything here, please forgive me if I do come off that way. I have just seen too many people out there that put weight on things that will have absolutely no spiritual or material impact on a marriage, but are rather based on 'what people will think' and this really saddens me.

    In addition to this, when people say 'this is just what I like in a girl (physical characteristics), people really again need to remind themselves of why they have those expectations. All of our ideas, conceptions, feelings come from somwhere. They aren't simply 'inherent'. Therefore, one should really reflect on where those expecations are coming from and understand whether or not one should attribute validity to them. One also should be reminded, that ultimately we should get married to someone that will increase us in our iman and help us become closer to Allah (SWT). That is what should matter, and we need to look deep in our hearts to understand if that is what we are in fact seeking through the means given to us.

    I'm reminded of this story that Imam Zaid tells in an article. I don't particularly like the idea of 'lying' about a disability but I feel like it touches upon many issues pertaining to the state of young Muslim men today in this regard, so I will end this comment with it.

    I do hope things work out for the best though inshAllah