Sunday, 13 June 2010

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 1

I had major difficulties in writing this entry. On many occasions, I had just stopped, not knowing how to continue. You can imagine how long this took to put together. I initially decided to leave this out. However, I felt there are some extremely important lessons for me to reflect upon. Especially for me in becoming this man I'm destined to be. Structuring a frenzied 8 months into an entry. There's a lot of details I have to leave out in order to post a consumable entry and to protect her. Recalling difficult events. Good and bad times. On the one girl that managed to penetrate my armour. I'm telling you now. I can't write or do this experience justice. But I'll try.

I just had to walk into the most complicated situation. After all, those words are synonymous to my life.

A battle of optimism over scepticism. A war of emotions. A playground of confusion.

Two popular people at University. Different people. Different experiences. Different pasts. Different Interests. Big personalities. Big feelings. Sharing a lot of mutual acquaintances and friends. Difficulties in communication.

Time to put the kettle on again. I've been here a long time, yours shouldn't be as long. I have put the pieces together as promised.

Aisha. I just have to smile whenever I mention her. A situation that I can't quite label. Bizarre or fate. Frustrating or funny. Heartbreaking or every one of them, you decide.

It all began when I first met Aisha. Aisha got involved when a brother told me about Husna. In order to aid his efforts in helping me, he asked for Aisha's assistance to help me and Husna get in contact.

I was in the library when I was first introduced to her. When I first saw Aisha, there was a moment of silence in my head. "Why had I never seen this girl before?". She was dressed ever so modestly and she was ever so shy. That smile. Dammit. She asked me a few questions to get me in contact with Husna. You know that really guilty feeling of being human and liking someone? I think that just happened. I heard a lot about Husna but I just wanted to know more about Aisha. I spoke to the brother and I enquired about Aisha instead. He started laughing, he said she was one of the coolest sisters ever. He told me to make a decision between Aisha and Husna. How could I? I didn't know either of them. I had nothing to go off.

I had heard a lot about Husna. I heard she was this beautiful, elegant woman that possessed all those qualities guys would want in a wife. Aisha was different. Aisha was this really down to earth girl, who had recently come back to the deen with this personality, and this smile. A smile that made me smile. This one smile that complicated a situation. I later told her that her smile would eventually get her into a lot of trouble.

She would regularly ask if I had considered the situation with Husna more and if she could be of assistance. She did not know Husna very well as she was at a different University. She was 'just tryna help a brother out'. Bless her.

I decided to just ask around for basic information. Whilst in the quest of doing some research on them both I became acquainted with Aisha in the Islamic Society. I started to learn a lot about her. She was very different from a lot of girls. She had been through experiences that I could relate to. I felt like I understood her misfortune and pain.

I knew once I had made a decision that was it. After all, if things didn't work out, no one wanted to be second best. Right?

At the time I felt rather confused. Looks wise they were both beautiful in their own ways. Aisha stood out at first, she was someone I had seen in person. Different to what I usually like but that smile, ha. Husna, I could only go by her pictures. She was also beautiful but I think my preference lied with Aisha for some reason. I had to start making istikhara to make my intentions clear. Ah Allah. You always answer.

Aisha wrote an article about this young girls experience at University. The article was about a girl who went to uni and enjoyed all the little fun things girls do when they move away from home. Hanging out, shopping and just enjoying life. Something that became short lived until she lost someone very close to her. Due to that experience she felt like she had lost everything. Until she remembered something a friend told her. She had turned to Allah in desperation and that's where her journey had begun. This girl went to Umrah and made a new clean start.

That article was about Aisha. Call it intuition but I always felt like that story was about her. When she told me. I asked her about who had died? She said no one died. That only led to one answer. A past relationship. For me, that was my istikhara answered.

I had never been in a past relationship and in my mindset, I've always wanted someone of a similar calibre. Somewhat understandable . .  right?

This is where the chapter of Husna had begun. (More here).

After things didn't work out and I remember when I first saw Husna. She had this presence like no other woman. I didn't realise how beautiful she was in person. I think my feelings just took a beatdown like Mosley got from Mayweather (Ouch!!)

When things ended with Husna. You guessed it . . Aisha was on my mind. I had sat down and carefully contemplated what had happened. I thought to myself "What if, this whole time Husna was just another experience to help me realise what I want?". I was right. Husna had some beautiful qualities, without a shadow of doubt, a bit too textbook. But Aisha . . she was real. She had a lot of faults but she had some many qualities I admired.

I thought to myself how on earth could I approach Aisha now? Surely this felt wrong. Wrong by whose standard though? I contemplated. And I contemplated some more. It took over a month to work things out.

Aisha's situation was volatile. I remember her once telling me she was going to give in to her parents and just get married from back home 'cause her friend had convinced her. Alarm bells started ringing in my head. Yup, yup . . you know what pursued next! I felt like if I didn't do anything now, nothing would happen. What was I thinking?

I asked to have a few minutes with her in the library before an event. My heart was beating at an illegal speed. I remember and I remember well. That smile creeped up. That damn smile! I forgot almost everything I wanted to say. I started of by telling her how she had been open and transparent with me, it would only be fair if I did the same from a prospective of being honest. I then said to her . . . "Yo sister, is your dad a terrorist? Cause you da bomb!"

Sorry, I joke haha! (At my own jokes, I know - terrible!). I've always just wanted to say that.

I asked her if she'd consider the idea of marriage if I were to propose my intentions to her. I obviousl

Allow me to define the word shock:-
– noun
A sudden and violent blow or impact; collision.

A sudden violent blow . . That sounds about right. This girl just froze in front of me. She was like "Is that Saddam Hussein on the documentary?" on a TV behind me. I started laughing thinking "oh my god". The randomness just threw me completely off guard. It took her a few minutes to compose herself. She was like but you and Husna? She knew that things didn't work out a few weeks prior but she asked again. She seriously did not know what to say. I told her to think about it and away we went to the event.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. She still could not believe it. At all.

She responded a few days on by asking me to be patient with her.

The tale is about to begin y'all :)

And So It Begun
At face value I thought this girl was simple. Boy was I in for a treat.

Her situation was something I cannot share but I can tell you it was a very, very unfortunate and unique situation. You know you hear about some people and you think "Subhaanallah!" and then "rather you than me". Aye, that was her. She had oppressive parents, really unfortunate circumstances and no one who could be her mahram to help us. I set out to find out more about her reality before I could help her.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. "Seriously, what does a guy like you see in me?". And a flurry of similar questions. One day at University in the evening, it was very quiet. She said she wanted to ask me something, I thought it was just a query or quick question. She laid out everything on the table. She freestyled for a long time. I paid attention and listened carefully. She confided and told me things that most would not tell their best friends. A lot of questions arose. One after another.

"A lot of my friends really like you, you'd be better suited to someone more pious."
"You can do so much better."
"You're in a completely different league. A real intellectual."
"I've got a lot of problems."

And so on. That didn't stop me at all. She continued. After hearing what she had been through, she broke into tears and started to cover her face with her hijaab.

I think my heart just sunk. I was helpless. Useless. I always have something to say or do to make someone feel better but I could do nothing. I really didn't know what to do. That feeling, that feeling of just wanting to hug someone. I had to move my chair back. I really didn't expect this. She started apologising. I told her to take her time. I had to leave her until she composed herself. This was definitely one of those situations in making the best of a very dire situation.

She continued. "This is what I mean, I'm broken." She told me to walk away as I had no idea what I was walking into. I'll be honest. I could have walked into an easier situation. But I didn't. Why accept easy when it can be challenging?

The next day she apologised for displaying so many insecurities and shouldn't have told me of the things she did. I assured her it wasn't a problem. My respect for her had grown.

The First Strike - Lack Of Compatibility
Aisha. A young woman who had had no intention of getting married any time soon, who had put very little thought into something that seemed so distant. As great as it sounded, she feared the idea. Aisha became very, very confused.

Her friends didn't make matters easier. You know the type. Some find joy in clubbing whilst others religiously watch eastenders. This was not going to be an easy task. This became a frustration quickly. They were telling her some really ignorant things of how things 'should be'. Catch 21 situation. Whilst they are her friends and she should keep better company. That wasn't the issue. Practising muslim sisters were not better company. All the back-biting and rumours they were spreading about brothers and sisters in University, the hypocrisy was just as bad. I just had to accept that I had a lot of work ahead of me. 

I gained some references that confused me too. She did something questionable. Something that hurt me but I was unable to confirm this in order to protect the one person she spoke to. I was advised she was lovely girl but extremely confused. Due to this, my attitude towards her had changed. I became difficult. As time progressed we started to become frustrated with each other. We were on a completely different level. She started to become uncomfortable around me.

I made a big mistake. I started to compare her to Husna. I became really lost. I had feelings for her but I felt like she could offer me nothing. I felt like I was doing all the work. I knew what I wanted. She had no idea.

Over a short amount of time. Matter got progressively worse. She sent me an email saying she felt we were both incompatible and that she was in no position to consider marriage. She felt the experience had encouraged her to think more about her future.

It was over.

First Husna and now her. I felt like a truck just crushed me. If I could talk of the external issues paired up with how I got completely shafted at University. Ah, I had a lot to be sad about. It was a very difficult time. This one cheerful character was slowly letting his smile down.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail" - Benjamin Franklin

Had it not been for Islam. I think I would have broke. By nature, words like defeat have no place in my life. However, sometimes we choose to accept it when the going gets tough. Establishing Salah 5 times a day and keep faith in Allah whilst things are going good or bad is when perseverance takes place. Regardless of how I felt, I've always had to fulfil my obligations. For:

“How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to his Lord and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” - [Muslim]

Islam is truly like no other when calamity befalls a person. Allah tests a believer with just about what he can handle. It's quite amazing really. He helps those in need. Yet he also tests them. I just about hanged in there. The gym paired up with very heavy weights seriously helps with that rage that builds up. Alhamdulillah, I wasn't prepared to fail any time soon.

Whilst I could justify all my actions. I felt like things could have ended better. There were still a lot of frustrations, feelings and loose ends in the air. I wanted some kind of closure. I arranged to speak with her.

When we got the opportunity to do so. All those frustrated feelings I had about her? Vanished. I don't know how but they did.

We talked and we come to the conclusion that because of how we were introduced and how things went, it made the situation extremely uncomfortable. How could we find out if we were compatible if we never got the opportunity to work things out?

We agreed to leave the whole marriage thing on the back burner and leave it til after University.

Yeah right . . like that was going to happen!

The Second Strike - No Chemistry
Overcoming the 'awkwardness' was very difficult. Things always felt awkward around her. We could never talk like we did. But we tried. Whenever I would see her, I would start to act a little weird and I would become this really reserved character. She would do the same. From this outspoken character to a quiet blushing boy. It was funny, the 2 brothers that knew would tease me with that ever so annoying "awwww".

I had a lot of personal problems and questions I needed to overcome. Like whether a past relationship was really a problem for me? Seeing past certain issues that I cannot go into. I was really stuck. By default I talked to a lot of people. Portraying scenarios so that I may learn a thing or two. I had a lot of conflicting answers. I was on the fence.

Whenever we used to talk it always revolved around her problems. I was always more than happy to help to anyone in need and I helped her a lot. Whilst in this process I started to nitpick and find a lot of things I disliked in her how she did things. The lack of patience with matters and so on. Did I forget she was human? Did I also forget she was trying?

I was looking for reasons of why this shouldn't work. With that very clever dude helping you called Shaitaan, boy . . it's an easy game to play. I felt like I had no reason to pursue this.

We were both at a stage where we denied feelings for each other. I was doubting if she liked me.

The whole 'lack of chemistry' became overused.

We initially said to leave the situation after University. But we somehow went down that path of talking about compatibility. We felt chemistry was something that came naturally. We both used it as an excuse.

I wanted some kind of closure. I felt overwhelmed and under pressure for a number of reasons. She was also under a lot of pressure too. We really knew how to shoot each other and ourselves in the foot. Oh, say hello to the tippin point!

We left things for a while. I did a lot of thinking and I felt that I really didn't want to her workload/problems - If anything, I wanted to remove the one pressure that I could. Me. Despite all the things that had happened. I had a lot of feelings for this girl. I would never do anything to jeopardise or compromise a situation for her. I had to resort to the one entity where I knew I could seek guidance. Allah. I did istikhara. Here is the decision that: I Made.

I took up the plan. Alhamdulillah. I told Aisha about the confused feelings I had. Also how Husna appeared in my dream, How awkward! I told her my thoughts on how both of our istikhara's could have meant that we were not meant to be. I also told her I did not feel the way I used to. We were both good people but just not for each other. I also found her difficult to understand and there was no incentive to persevere.

She said she could not honestly find a fault within me. And I deserved far better. She also felt she wasted a lot of my time. Experience is never a waste Aisha. Never.

A weight was off my shoulders. The Husna Revisited episode had begun.

As I had just cleared up the Husna issue.

Aisha told me she had feelings for me.

That changed everything. Ev-er-ry-thing.

Part 2


  1. Wow.

    Well I really do not know what to say. Dude you have been through ALOT in with this girl, not just the meetings and talking but emotionally. And I can relate to many things you mentioned and I know how darn confusing it can be! Nothing is ever easy though. And especially when the feelings are there but things are not looking up, and you sometimes want it to work cos of the feelings you have and the person they are but then you think maybe it's not meant to be, it's hard to know when to stop and even harder to detatch yourself.

    I'm guessing another post is due on Aisha and her feelings for you?

    Till then, I hope your getting through things well, and all your blogger fans will be your support if you need any. Ofcourse Allah is the best of Planners and the best of Helpers, and His guidance is the best guidance so keep doing what your doing and have faith in Him.

    Take care. P.s. even if someone has had a past relationship and they have changed their ways, it shouldn't really make you chuck them out the scene, if Allah can overlook their disobedience to Him and forgive them, then who are we to judge them and hold their past against them?

  2. Jazakallah Khair for your post. Yeah, part 2 is due soon. I can go on but just reading what I've wrote is quite poor to be honest and it's really unstructured. I think that's enough for today.

    I completely agree with you. Do you know what the ironic thing is? I have answers and lots of them. I suppose its trying to find myself again from this situation.

    I completely agree. Allah is certainly the best of planners and judges. I now realise how much I'm willing to compromise for someone that is worth it. And finding someone similar to myself is unrealistic.

  3. i feel like im aisha. i had been in a past relationship. and i could have wrote what aisha wrote about losing someone so close to me. that you would think someone died. mind you, i thought of suicide. i felt like my whole world fell apart. during that time, i started praying qiyam al layl. i wasnt even praying the 5 prayers, only qiyam. because my friend told me the same thing that aisha's friend told her. i started going to jumuah. but the heart werent there. i still continued my old ways. i really went wild. cut my hair really short, started dressing a lot more revealing. i didnt want the old me. i wanted to rebel. alhamdoulilah at that time, Allah guided me Alhamdoulilah. and i always ask for his forgiveness. if Allah can forgive, why cant we human beings forgive? as long as aisha changed, it doesnt matter if she was in a past relationship or not. dont let this bother you.

  4. I'm a regular reader but I don't think I have ever commented... I just wanted to agree with the other people ^^^ that looking beyond her past relationship would be a good thing. As you said, experience is never a waste and I'm sure it helped made her who she is today, a good Muslima inshaAllah. Whenever you feel confused, just remember too that Allah has already decided on the woman you will marry - He knows what will happen in your future :)

  5. @SoulSeek. Yup it is extremely difficult to bring yourself back into your 'normal' self, all happy and whole, would be easy if someone could just pick you up out of the pool of confusion, shake the residue off and place you on a smooth sunny track so you can walk down it with no weight on your shoulders. But from this experience, as you probably know, you will learn alot, about marriage, potential partners, your emaan and your ocnnection with Allah, as well as learning about yourself and what you want and what you are willing to do.

    And yup, sometimes you have your mind set like 'im not going to marry someone if they are like this' but when someone who has so many positive things about them but also that 1 thing you didnt want them to have, you will be willing to compromise. It's a hard situaiton because you never know if they are actually the one you are going to be with or if someone else will come along, only time will tell. Have sabr :)
    and remember...compromises have to be made by both. Even if you may find it difficult to accept certain things about her, she may have to make difficult compromises for you too. Its only fair eh :)

  6. You said it yourself..."Experience is never a waste". Whatever Aisha has been through in the past has made her the person she is today. And if you like and respect that person, then those past experiences probably have played their part in shaping her contemporary self.

  7. Your experiences shape you into the person you are whether that is actually the death of a person or a past relationship. She may not have been the person who you like if it weren't for her past. Sometimes those little bumps that come in our life bring us closer to never might have been His way of calling her to Him. Look past the past relationships. Look past the past - your's and her's. Look into the future. May Allah bless you with whatever is best for you. Ameen. :)

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  9. a wonderful much to learn....

  10. SubahanAllah, very complicated situations.I don't know what to say as like Aisha I am somewhat wary (afraid) of marriage,lol-Well its a female thing I suppose?-let her have more time,which I think you had by delaying it to after university.So you'd done your part and Istikhara(great one)too.

    I am glad you are keeping Allah(swt) on your side as no matter what, everything and everyone around us are ephemeral sources of Tranquility Peace and Happiness, because it is Allah who is the true Source of what are souls seek.hey your name soulseek! lol.

    People and things are there for us to be tested by Allah: how much do we realise the purpose of our existence in the first place-which is to worship Him Alone. InshAllah thinking this way can always put things in perspective and make the difficult easy.

  11. salam,

    very interesting bro. yeah, i think i agree with the other commentators in general that maybe you can look past her past relationships. Like, a person could change completely, and you write that you were kind of hesitant, because you wanted someone who has never been with anyone else and that kind of thing. I guess that's natural, but if she wants to change herself and move on, than i think it would be good if you gave her another chance.
    I was actually thinking about the same issue, like i wanted to ask girls if they had ever been with anyone else and that kind of thing. but one of my friends told me that if allah is going to cover up a person's bad deeds and forgive them, than who are we to uncover them again, and so its not advised to ask about someone's past if they are sincerely trying to put it behind.
    i was thinking, that it would be reasonable to ask someone to never contact or talk to someone they had been in a past relationship with, though, since in that case, you arent asking questions about the past, but about the future. anyway, good luck and good sailing.

  12. oh, and by the way, one of my friends and i started a blog recently too. you can find it by clicking on my profile name. it's not about marriage as of now, but maybe soon?

  13. we haz been waiting for part2!
    and btw, great blog you got here, I've been a regular silent reader for a while now