Before this when things ended she asked me if I wanted to try again. I refused. Not once. Three times in a row.
When she dropped the line. My response was "Be right back, having a heart attack". I always found the right time to joke around. She said "Oh SoulSeek, chill out!". She always knew how to make me laugh.
Everything had changed. I couldn't explain it. She had put me through some difficult times but at that particular moment in time, none of that mattered. Did I just experience what a lot of married couples fail to do? Forgive and move on?
Muhammed (saw) asked his companions, “Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?” they said, “Of course O Prophet of Allah.” He responded, “Then forgive each other.”
I'm not the kind to fall into a rut over a persons mistakes. Even if they are great.
The one thing I've admired about Aisha was her honesty. She had never led me on. She had told me how things were from the very first day. Granted, she was in a difficult position but her honesty helped us both.The one thing to note is that she was confused. Very Confused. Sometimes she would frustrate me so much. She was very easily led on. I would hear her speak and know that it wasn't even her speaking. I could capitalise and use this to my advantage. I never did. I couldn't.
I would always give her a lot of space. I would go through situations and offer her advice. When things went wrong, I would help mend them. When she was in distress, I would help ease her pain. She would always be like "Gosh, you're so right." and "You're such a smarty pants." Me? Hah, good joke. I guess this was my weakness.
Every time I have asked her a question. I always received a response. No fancy words. No beating around the bush. Aisha just being Aisha. I liked that.
We both shared this one mutual friend. Isa will be his name. You know that one person who you can sit with and talk about anything? That same person who realises something isn't right when everyone else fails to realise. That one person we would both be doomed without. That one person that could challenge my thinking and turn my rationalisation around so that I may see things for what they were. That one person that would spend hours talking to me in helping me through my difficulties. That same person saw so much in both of us and helped us. He had so much hope for us. More than both of us combined, and he helped me see it through. His deeds will never be forgotten. Loyalty and help when it was needed most. They don't come by often. I hope I can return the favour someday. The best thing? He doesn't even acknowledge helping anyone. I would thank him and he would say "for what?" Ah you cheeky bugger. He would leave my house at stupid hours in the morning and then rejoin me a couple of hours later whilst we drove to University and we would always talk on the way. He would speak to both of us and help us immensely . He would show us our errors, lack of experience and maturity so that we may see and understand the situation for what it was.
Allah sends help at critical moments. He was the plaster. He helped cover a lot of small and large wounds.
I had found a true friend. It's funny how these people just drop in at the right time. I just happened to catch him for a reference of Husna 8 months ago. I had known him prior to that but I had never really spent time with him.
I really will do what I can Aisha.
Things would go really well for a while. We worked best when we didn't talk about marriage. Then I would hear from her. Sorry. I meant I would hear her friends talking through her mouth.
Whenever we made progress we would find a way to go 2 step backwards. She would occasionally start to pick things apart. Pick up on a lot of small reasons of why things shouldn't happen. About how I wasn't her kind of guy. I was attractive but not her usual bad boy look. Okay, so we all have preferences, right? She would continue on how I was too much a nice guy, you know, that fine line of questioning my manliness. I would always receive comments and compliments on my physique, physically ability to compete and fight. I wasn't a slouch in the looks department but it felt like I was being questioned, questioned that men like this shouldn't exist in today's society. I think I lost myself. She would always find really stupid ways of hindering progress. I always kept my cool and found a way round things, it's what I do best. However blame is a two way game. At times I wouldn't provide her the benefit of doubt and I would question my decision making abilities from time to time.
Soon, she started to cross one too many lines. She said some things which started ringing different tones of alarm bells in my head. For a short while I thought she was intentionally trying to frustrate me. Aisha had gave me permission to speak to my sister of her past, after putting a few pieces together I began to realise she wasn't very stable. Mentally. I knew her situation was volatile but after putting things into perspective there were a lot of factors that made things quite scary. She would always tell me there was a lot wrong with her but I brushed them aside as an insecurity. My sister works in the field of psychology and has helped muslim women through a lot of ordeals. She gave me her thoughts on Aisha and Aisha agreed to her analysis. Aisha broke down in tears and told me how messed up she really felt. At this point I became fairly distraught. I had feelings for her but deep down I wasn't sure I could provide for someone. Someone so . . . so broken. Sigh. I felt like this for a very long time. This made things a lot more difficult. I would try be optimistic whilst trying to be a realist.
I have always understood that my path would not be easy. My whole upbringing. Everyone has a story to tell. Mine is no different. It's a tale in its own right. Alhamdulillah. I still felt there was something there and we could work through it. A lot of events pursued. The worst part is leaving detail out but with this kind of blog sometimes that has to happen. Besides, these key events could make take this novel territory, it really is that long.
She annoyed me quite a lot. It was my examination period and she really added to the stress. She would go through this phase of not wanting to talk about things and then try to pick it up again. It was agitation and frustration on both of our part. She once asked me if I knew what she saw at end of the tunnel with her? I told her that now wasn't the best of times as I had an exam the very next day. Her pessimism and portal for negativity went hand in hand. I really felt like I had enough by this point. It was like deja vu time and time again. I've always been optimistic regardless of the hurdles. Imaan is a foundation for belief. Foundations are never made over night. We must make an exerted effort in making a foundation of steel. Why? Steel doesn't crumble when tested. So where does imaan fit into this? Our attitude reflects our imaan. It's our imaan that carries us through our daily lives. Both trials and tribulations.
A week later she asked me if she could continue what she wanted to say. "Please do" I said.
"At end of the tunnel. I see Jannah with you."
Woah, Woah, Woah?! Huh? I can understand seeing goodness, light and all the usual stuff but . . . . Jannah? That's a bold statement. She said she saw far too much good in me and I could only bring out good in her. I felt flattered and I didn't really know what to say.
Sometime later she felt like she couldn't open up and talk to me any more. As she felt like I didn't understand her. She then realised how difficult she had made things for me. How impossibly difficult it became. But hey, that word difficult, that doesn't fit in my vocabulary.
The tears had started again. She asked me to walk away. I asked her to provide me a valid reason to walk away. She said "It is better for you". "Let me be the judge of that" I said. The conversation continued. She said "I really, really care for you SoulSeek, just leave it, please" she continued "You will eventually understand." It was that night when we talked. Talked like we talked before I proposed the idea of marriage to her. Before things became weird. It was bizarre. I enjoyed this conversation. It was 'normal'. No pressure, no frustration. For the first time in 5 months it felt very different. However, it was then when she asked me to make a decision. A decision on whether or not I should walk. She wanted me to make a decision. It became a difficult decision for me. I don't do things half heartedly. All or nothing. I was very unsure. I felt like I was compromising far too much and the situation was far too volatile but similarly I saw honesty and sincerity. I held onto these two things very tightly. The bad outweighed the good. Hey, isn't this that what Shaitaan helps us do best?
A week or so had passed. I was indecisive I hadn't made a decision.
She said she was never ready to get married. She couldn't, for many reasons. The only reason she considered me was because of my character. She said I knew what I wanted and how far I was willing to go for it. Her? Clueless. She felt she had to deal with herself. And she was right, there was a lot of truth in that.
We talked again. She flipped. I saw disrespect. I contained myself. A crazy amount I must say. I did however end things. Just like that? Just like that. After 6 months, with a very indecisive feeling, I managed to do something I hesitated to do for ages within seconds. She apologised for acting the way she did but she was frustrated, no more than I was. She used professions as a measure of comparison. She said I was like a doctor that a lot of people wanted in on and she was just a cleaner. With constant analogies as such, I almost started to believe the hype.
This time things were over for real. She asked me how I felt and I didn't share. It would provide no benefit to either of us. I asked if she was okay, she said "if I wasn't, would it change anything?" I asked myself the same question. For days on end.
There was a meeting for a large da'wah project, I caught a glimpse of her and it the first time I saw her in a while. I pretended like I didn't see her, I just carried on.
I saw her walking, looking at the floor and she walked past. No eye contact or anything. Did she even know I was present? I saw Isa. He asked me if I had a moment to spare. I obliged. He asked me if I was okay. "Why wouldn't I be" I said? "SoulSeek you can't front on me, I know you far too well bro" he said. Waiting on me to spill something. I just kept quiet. He said he spoke to Aisha. A relief as always. I felt really concerned about her. "How is she?" I asked He said "Gutted. She's a strong girl, she'll be okay." I had nothing to say, looking at the floor. Cracked concrete ground was all I could see. He said "Aisha wanted to give this to you, here". It was a book. A copy of The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. She had bought it prior to the incident and she wanted to give it to me before she left for home. I remember mentioning to her that I wanted to read this book in early March. 3 months ago.
I felt sad. Really sad.
I started to read the book. I completed it within a couple of days. On one day I managed to do a 7 hour stint. For me, that's something. That book hit me hard. About my upbringing. My life. Her.
It was then I started self-reflection. It was then I started to write up part 1 of this entry. It was then when it hit me. After all this time. After all that stress. After all the hardship. Everything became so simple. So, so simple.
She contacted me asking for advice. I felt I was the wrong person but I could keep my feelings aside to offer her genuine advice. One of the issues was her dad wanted her to get married from the motherland. I told her to consider it and remember her criteria for marriage. She didn't want to and her dad stopped talking to her. Soon after her Grandmother passed away. Another series of family problems had pursued. Her family situation was far from ideal. In fact, it was one of the worst scenario's that I had personally come across. Bless her. She managed to keep her self together for so long.
It was now our turn to return a small favour for Isa. He was having problems with he girl he wanted to marry, she would advise the girl and I would help him. If things were not going to work out for him we would argue over who would get the opportunity to hook him up with a new potential. Alhamdulillah he's now back on track in pursuing his suitor.
Time progressed. A week before I went on the break with GeetarHiro I had to be honest with her. I still had some feelings for her. As things became so clear I knew what I had to do. She was shocked. The Kite Runner was like icing on the cake; affirming my thoughts and feelings.
I felt with my new found attitude and thoughts, I would not make the mistakes that I had made before and that I could lay things out so she would know how serious I was and we both knew why things ended. I made an unnatural decision that I felt forced to make based on emotions. That's not me.
She brought up her situation and relationship with her father. And asked if I was in her position, would I even think about marriage? I put a scenario across - that if her father had agreed to me being a suitor what would she say? She said she would definitely consider it more. However, she was not confident it would make a difference to her dad.
I started Arabic classes. Fairly intense, 5 times a week to compliment my tafsir classes. I would like to tell you a little about my teacher. He is the most chilled out and humblest of people anyone would ever have the opportunity to meet. Check this out. He has a Ph.D in marriage. That's right! His field, is the fiqh of marriage. We call him Dr Lurve. He is officially awesome. After our class we always chat about marriage and he is overly concerned about the single youths within our society. He teaches me and Isa.
A few days after I told Aisha I had feelings, Dr Love was chatting to us. He said to me "Br. SoulSeek, I'm going to find you a wife Insha'Allah. If you're willing to come Jordan with me, I will find you a pious wife." He was always serious but he had this quality where he was also funny whilst being serious, it was just his character. Someone who would deceive you at face value. He would ask me where my preference lied in terms of location I replied "UK". He said "Ah, I know this one sister, she would be very good for you. She's from x city. She's a good sister. She's live in this village called . . . ah I can't remember the name". "Village b?" I said. "That's the one." he said. Hold on, this sounded all too familiar.
Isa at this point couldn't contain his laughter. He always said to me that me and Aisha would eventually cross paths again. This was it. Dr Love was talking about Aisha. I tried really hard not to smile. I had to turn sideways and let a smile out.
Dr Love knew something was going on at this point. He asked me if I knew her. I said "Yes, I was interested in her." He smiled. "She has a lot of family problems you know, she's going through a lot." he exclaimed. I nodded. He continued "I know a lot of imams and have friends in the city, we could get them to speak to her dad." I think my smile got a little brighter. "I would appreciate that Sheikh, Jazakallah Khairan" I said. "Wa iyyak, don't forget to do your homework" he said.
We got outside and Isa literally dropped on the floor laughing "Dr Love is on the case!" he exclaimed. "You're such an idiot" I said, trying to hide my smile.
"Oi you clown! I just spoke to the Dr!" Aisha said. I was in stitches. The Dr of Love had delivered! What a guy. "Oh really?" I continued "What did he say?"
"He said he really misses me and he wants me to move back and get involved with more da'wah work in x city. Oh and he wants me to get married to you."
We had a more level head conversation this time. She said after having time to think she didn't want to get married at this moment in time. She enjoyed her single life and wasn't ready for commitment. She also felt she wasn't ready for marriage. We continued talking and I tried to explain how marriage is a process and how one can never wake up feeling like they're 'ready for marriage'. She asked "Can't you chill to see happens?" Ah, I think she has no idea the fitna she is exposing me to. Hah! She said "All this" paused "doesn't change how I feel about marriage. I really want it but similarly I don't"
She has a point. I can't change how she feels. It's only her who can ultimately make a decision. I'm not going to force a situation or decision.We had a much more relaxed conversation, her sister-in law even spoke to me. It was pretty funny. Her sister in-law and cousins would tease her.
At this point me and GeetarHiro left for our break.
Upon returning last week we haven't really talked at all. I spoke to one of her very scarce, decent friends. This sister is such a genuine and sincere sister. She's known of me quite long but I had no idea she knew until as of recent. She's one of Aisha's best friends and she told me her take on it.
Firstly, she praised me on how patient I had been with Aisha, she said did not know of anyone who would hang around for someone like Aisha so patiently. She said I was one of the most humble, sincerest, thoughtful people that she had come across and that no one had a bad word to say of me. She said she cared about Aisha so much but she had to be honest. She said she knew I was good for her and lucky she was. As to why she had second thoughts - It baffled her. She said "Aisha is extremely confused as you know and very easily influenced."
She said "I spoke to Aisha yesterday and it seems like she's moved on. She feels like she can't handle the stress of marriage at this moment in time. Brother SoulSeek, I think you're a serious catch and Aisha knows it but I think it's time to maybe move on after some closure."
I'm at bit of loss here. We never really talked? When we last did we said we would continue on a positive note. I'm uncertain. Her family situation is starting to improve and I'm genuinely very happy for her. I don't want to come in between that and I think she's glad to be away from the serious marriage talk.I feel she needs to do this and sort herself out.
Where does that leave me? If things have truly ended. I have no qualms with moving on properly with clear intentions. But cutting contact? I ask myself what benefit would it provide staying in touch? I never keep in touch for a number of reason but this one is different. Very different. It's someone I've benefited and learnt a lot from, someone that could provide a reference and someone that I've come to know and gain contacts from.
GeetarHiro provided me with another option. He said "Why don't you tell her that if and when she feels that's in a position to marry, to drop you a line to see if you're single. That way, you're not closing the book but you're not hanging onto it either. Keep your options open."
When I told her I had feelings, I told her I had wrote a personal account to help me see things clearly. She was intrigued. She asked me if she could read it. I said I would think about it. I now question if there is any benefit in considering to do so.
I must seek some kind of closure. Do I just move on or consider GeetarHiro's approach?
I apologise it took so long to put this together. I had a very late night and spent the whole morning getting this together. As you can imagine, I've been keeping myself very busy, so I don't get caught up in getting distraught. Having to write about it has been an on-going challenge. I procrastinated to see how things would turn out. I had to oblige once I spoke to her friend. I thank each and every one of you for your support.
I pray that Allah make it easier for my fellow followers.