Wednesday, 14 July 2010

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 2

Part 1


  1. Asalamu alykum Br,
    I don't know the age difference between Aisha's and yours. But it does seem that Aisha has other primary priorities besides, marriage? may be re-building her family matters etc? As you're mentioned yourself, so as Aisha, you can't speed up her need to acknowledge the need of marriage in her life right now.
    From experience, I believe that she needs to kinda "fall on her rise back up again.." I'd consider br. geetar hero's advice. And pursue another suitor to explore the possibility of finding another marriage bound match, inshaAllah


  2. Ameen.!

    Gosh that was bit of a rollercoaster of a post, I can imagine the real events. Scary how some parts sounded so similar to my situation.

    But with GeetarHero's advice, I think you should take it, dettach yourself from the idea of having Aisha as your main focus but keep her, on the list, if you may.

    Its such hard situations but you do learn a tremendous amount about yourself more than anything. And that's always a great thing.

    I think Aisha should have given a clear answer, instead of the confusion, like saying whether to wait for her and her family situation to clear n then take it from there...But if she's just not ready for marriage then would you wait until she is? I dont know, depends on you, if someone else comes along...but it is hard to just let go of a person like that. Clearly you are a great person mashaAllah, so dont restrict yourself.

    Btw did you do istikhara?

  3. hijabi - Walaikum Salaam. We're the same age. I agree with you. I got caught up in the whole 'ideal marriage scenario' forgetting the fundamental principles of the concept. Stability. How can provide stability to another person if you yourself are not stable? If anything this situation has benefited us both. Insha'Allah and Jazakallah Khair for dropping your thoughts.

  4. Effervescent - Definitely. With both of us at fairly hectic stages of our life it was far from an ideal situation but I suppose we were both presented with time and the opportunity to think things through after University.

    As for waiting for her. She feels she would be ready in 2-3 years. That in itself presents problems. What if she isn't ready? What if she changes her mind? And so on. It wouldn't be wise to wait around. After all, everything is qadr.

    I did Istikhara many times, most of the times I knew what I wanted until situations would at times take a u-turn. This situation was far, far from ideal. It went against the very grain of how I do things. This in itself, presented a lot of problems in adopting a different approach. I would always says "It shouldn't be like this" I'm quite methodical but I forgot we don't live in ideal circumstances/times.

    I just tried to do things to the best of my abilities with the best of intentions.

  5. aw... and I guess sometimes because you want it to work you get lost in the situation, even when something is not right you just brush it to the side and think 'ok doesnt matter we can fix that' but when you step away from it, like clear your head and stuff, you bring yourself back up and see it for what it is.

    We need to be sure of what we want, the kind of person who we are looking for, and be able to see which one fits the criteria, and make sure we don't change ourselves just to fit in with the person when they are probably causing you to change too much, like with the stability thing, I know youve looked at it realistically and not just thought 'dw we can fix that' but you know it would be very difficult no matter how much YOU tried because its her and her own self that would need to change.

    I dont know if any of that made sense or was relevant(was probably more linked to my experiences if anything)but ah well you get what Im saying.

    It's good you done all you could though, atleast there's no 'what ifs' and things.

    And now you can focus on Ramadan and your relationship with Allah. And just wait for the next potential :)

  6. A/S Bro,

    I agree with Geetarhiro. Best to move her down the potential list. See what else is out there? Maybe in Jordan like Dr Love suggested?? lol.

    Also, you seem like a very knowledgable and well connected person...know anyone (shayks) who interpret dreams?? I have had a couple that I wna check out

  7. This was such an emotional read! I pray Allah swt makes it easy for you inshAllah (:

    Kav Lee, have you looked at Ibn Sireen's book on dream interpretation? It's originally in Arabic but I'm sure you can easily get a translated copy.

  8. sA...I can't even begin to imagine what an emotional rollercoaster you must have been on with Aisha - it sounds so difficult. Geetarhiro's advice is very sound, but you just have to make sure you don't reject future girls because there's the off-chance that Aisha might get into contact with you.

    Her confusion about making a decision is an answer in its own right. When getting married, one has to be certain that this is the right person to tread the path of life...that the negatives are outweighed by the positives, and that this person will enhance your life to a level that couldn't be done if you were left on your own. Aisha couldn't see that, and thereby gives you a decision that she couldn't verbalise.

    You know, if it's meant to be, your paths will cross again in the worries. For now, reflect upon the experience, take some time out...deep breath...and then the next step.


  9. Stay away from her Soul Seek - you sound like a nice young lad - so trust me. My husband was a drama queen full of terrible family problems and I wanted to save him and rescue him from his life.

    We married, but the crap never ends. The people are drama queens - they dont know how to heal, they are addicted to the misery and pain and that is their identity. They dont know how to be happy and healthy and they try to drag you down into their crap with them.

    Dont get involved with people who have all this crap going on - honestly, it never ends, never ever. Its an endless continous stream of sh*t and you are just there to take the emotional hits with them because misery loves company

    She is using you for confidence, so she knows that she has options but she will never accept a happy ending, because her whole life as a victim will end, and that victim is her identity.

    No problems: no identity

    Thats how these people think

  10. Salam, your story is really poignant. I kept making comparisons b/t it and my own story...I am a woman, but something about your story resonates with mine...I met someone who I considered the best man in this world, truly, masha'Allah--- he wasn't one of those people who just pray, fast and go to the mosque and that's it, no, instead he really tried to understand the deeper beauty of Islam and really follow Muhummad (saw) not just in action but in heart too. In my eyes, he was a man who had such high iman. I loved him, and I felt so blessed that we would marry and I would get to take care of him and give him happiness. When you said that Aisha say jenna with you, that's how I felt with this man, that I would bring him jenna and he would bring me jenna and we would love Allah and each other forever...We used to talk a lot about religion, and I was so sure that we would be partners helping our ummah together...Well, he told me he was going back to his home country to "build our nest," then once he was there he emailed me that he didn't want to contact me for a while b/c he wanted time to himself. A few months later, he emailed me, in just a paragraph, that he was ending his relationship with me.

    I don't know what happened...I wonder if I am a really bad judge of character and the man I thought was so high was actually just treating me carelessly and lightly. Or, maybe I was too caring of him-- I would always ask if he ate his dinner, was he wearing warm clothes, I would knit him scarves. My mother said a man doesn't want someone to treat him that way, and it seems like all the women who play hard to get and aren't honest and are flirty are the ones who get married-- and that makes me a little bitter, because if I want to marry someone, then do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not?

    It's really hard. May Allah guide us all.

  11. Effervescent - I understand what you're trying to say. I think my problem is that I'm too much of an optimist. I'll always find a way out of a rubbish situation. Not that is necessarily bad but as you said sometime we have to accept it isn't us that has issues, it's the other person that needs to change some aspects.

    Kav-Lee - Walaikum Salaam, Haha I was actually digging the Jordan suggestion as his children are beautiful. Masha'allah! Hmmm, are you based in the UK? Haven't you any local Sheikh's?

  12. RedBerries - Walaikum Salaam, ah subhaanallah if only I could express how tough it has been. I've never been in this spot emotionally but alhamdlillah I learnt a lot. I've always been a fairly closed book in this department.

    Don't worry, I won't.

    Jazakallah Khair for your solid words of wisdom. I like the truth :)

    Sanity Speaks - Okay now this is an interesting comment. Thank you. You spoke my mind about some of my reservations.

    I'm inclined to agree with some of what you've said. Whilst studying her behaviour I did notice a pattern going on. She was very afraid of moving on. She would accept defeat fairly easily.

    I know I'm destined and determined to be something more than that. I need a woman who has a sensation of progression. Whilst her deen was progressing masha'allah, her attitude and personal qualities were lacking in comparison. I think that's where we felt a huge gap. I could identify and try to guide her through these insecurities but there's is only so much you can do at this stage.

    Are you still married and experiencing problems?

  13. Anonymous - Walaikum Salaam. Wow.

    Do you see what you've done there? You put it down to one of two reasons. Reality is never so black and white. Firstly, how can it be your fault for being a bad judge of character? What if he was that same character that you had met but circumstances may have changed for him? Granted - his response could be questionable or justifiable depending on how you look at things.

    You can never be too caring either sister. Never beat yourself over someone else. Remember your worth. I know many brothers who would throw themselves at someone so caring.

    Ah, that's you and me both. Don't let it dishearten you. Always stand up for the truth and don't compromise your deen. Allah has something better waiting. Without a shadow of doubt.

  14. I aim to marry an Arab one day so that any kids I have are hot! lol

    p.s I don't know any shaikhs!
    And I dont trust my local masjids as they all into the whole peers and stuff.
    I was hoping you would know of someone who I could just email my dreams? I have a dream book by ibn seerin (in english) but it didnt detail my dream! Jzk for any help!

  15. Thank you, SoulSeek. JazakAllahukheir, and barakAllahufik--- may Allah help you find the woman who will give you the best in this life and the next. I really appreciate your words.

  16. My GOD! i thought only i could be so intense about r.ships. People warn me against big posts but i continue to write in almost similar format as go thru it? (at the end). I am a female MBA from Karachi, Pakistan. Honestly just browsing through good blogs and finding literate & intelligent writers like you to talk to me on various issues. I write on issues related to society, religion as well as some funny stuff. Best of Luck for ur blogging. I hope u can be a follower- if u like my blog? And don’t forget to comment please !!

  17. Kav-Lee - Haha, that's you and me both! Arab/Pak/Mixed Race, yes sir!

    Unfortunately, I don't know of any sheikhs that you could email. Sorry.

    Anonymous - Insha'allah and ameen. Don't give in, keep an eye out for my next entry.

    Catgirl - Interesting views to say the least. As much I'd love to comment and drop my thoughts I've been really strapped for time. Insha'allah I'll try when I can.

  18. Assalaam Alaikum brother Soul Seek,

    I've been silently following your blog for some time and have found that your experiences never cease to surprise, or strike a chord home.

    This was, by far, the most loaded of the posts I've read thus far. My heart goes out to you in this struggle. You seem like a righteous and intelligent brother, and I pray Insha'Allah you are able to find your other half.

    I'm sure your experience with Aisha has changed your perspective in a number ways, and taken you to places you never thought you could go. No matter what though, continue to remember Allah (SWT) tests us in ways we cannot imagine and loves to see us remain patient and steadfast.

    All the best! I'm looking forward to the next entry.

  19. Asalamalaikum,that was one long post! I felt so bad with regards to how it just went down with Aisha here,I swear it must be the nerves that are getting to her at this point when she is close to making the deal,Allahu 'alam.Saying 'yes' and having to internalise the magnitude of where you're going to land is so hard I can only imagine the stress!

    I would consider Geetarhiro's approach even though its a little risky in terms of 'heart-break':she might be 'ready' when you get married. Hmmm its a hard call,but whichever one makes you feel safer,go for it and have Tawwakul in Allah,
    Surah Al-Imran:159 "...Then, when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."

  20. Sara - Walaikum Salaam, upon I reflection I find it quite amazing to see how much my thinking has changed over the past 8 months. Spot on, I never thought I would have experienced something like this. This is the sort of stuff you read on, um I don't know . . . blogs? Hah :)

    Jazakallah Khair for your thoughts.

    Ahlam - Walaikum Salaam, I know. I feel I could have handled the situation so much better but as Aisha said to me recently "there's no point crying over spilt milk."

    Jazakallah Khair for the top reminder!

  21. AOA

    I read your story and everything that happened in your life, and how you had to face ups and downs again and again. I am coming from quite a similar background and just trying to cope up with all, but I have only one suggestion left for u. MOVE ON AND GET IT OVER WITH IT ONCE N FOR ALL. Don't leave any window open for her return in future, because you will never be able to move on. Anything that will remind you of her, burn it or let it go in the running water (river or something). You have tried more than enough to get her in your life, but if it didnt work it was probably never meant to be. If Allah takes something from our lives, He will reward us with something better in this life or hereafter. Tell yourself that she is gone from yourlife forever. Accept the reality today and move on for your tomorrow. Don't keep her on your potential list, even if she does come back, its gone u gave her more than enough you can't waste your life or someone else's (next potential) for her. Just accept the fact that Allah didnt want this to happen thats y it didnt happen. Be hard on yourself now once for all and brighten your tomorrow, you never know what Allah has there for you. If you keep a window open for her, you will never let another person walk into the doors of your heart. And your past relation is like a broken glass now, if you try to fix it you will hurt yourself even more. Just pray for her well-being n move on with your tomorrow with Allah's help. Our prayers are always with you. If you are a good muslim Allah will test you alot but he will give you a double ajar and sawab. May Allah forgive us all and enable us all to move on with our future with his blessings. Ameen