Tuesday, 22 September 2009


1) Fate
2) Destiny

Derived from the Arabic word qisma.

This has constantly been running around in my head. I keep hearing this word.

Over the last week I've witnessed two failed marriages.

Couple #1
I've known this brother since we've been children. so I like to think I know him pretty well. We've even been abroad together! He got married a few years back. Unfortunately he was desperate and he rushed into this marriage. They had a few meets and on every occasion he went to their house his spouse used to cover and portray 'housewife' qualities.

I actual recall attending the wedding and father showing me her sister. They were all blessed with beauty and I have to say the one my father showed me was definitely up there with the looks. I was a few years younger then and even then I could see through the pretty looks.

Unfortunate for the brother, he thought he scored and her looks was all he caught up by. 

Any how, a few years on these two have had an extremely tough time.The girl is what we'd call a disrespectful woman. She walks around attracting males attention with a child. What must be going through her mind? The brother had revealed they haven't slept on the same bed for 2 years and it's a disaster. She's everything he disapproves of.

Last week they had a massive argument and he lashed out. The outcome? Divorce.

Couple #2
The typical 'Alpha male' owning his wife. He had beaten up his wife and I was called to intervene.

What did he hit her for? A comment. I kid you not! She asked him if he would like to do something to return a favour to a family and he lashed out on her making a suggestion!

She's not allowed to talk without his permission. 

I saw her in tears, trembling. It hurt me, it hurt me a lot.  

Allahu Akbar! What have people become? What have muslims become?

I'm currently in the process of helping this poor (pious) woman, resolve this stupidity with the aid of some community members.

If these two couple knew their lives would end in tears would they have married? They both said their marriage was a mistake. Indeed a dear mistake to make with kids.

This is ultimately; fate. We have established in Seeking Marriage (Part 1)  that Allah controls a number of provisions in our life. However, we are given the power to make decisions. To choose.

It is these decisions we make, that affect our life. The end result will always be from Allah but we should never neglect our duty to make a good decision.

Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. [Qur'an 47: 31]

I will wait as long as it takes for a good wife. I know what my qualities are. By Allah, I know I will treat my wife with love and respect. The question is  . .  how will she turn out? 

I won't turn a blind eye to find out.


  1. Assalamu alaikum

    I like your contrasts of the two couples - Couple #1 involved every man's worst nightmare - a disrespectful wife and Couple #2 involved every woman's worst nightmare - a physically abusive husband.

    When it comes to Couple #2 I have nothing to say except that is there ever any way to tell that a potential husband is a potential wife batterer?

    When it comes to Couple #1, is there anyone of us who doesn't know a Muslim man who married a woman for her looks and now deeply regrets it? I have no sympathy whatsoever for these men. It shows where your priorities lie and you have reaped what you sowed. Moreever, this sort of thing will continue when in the present marriage "market", a man won't even consider a woman who he knows absolutely nothing about until he has seen her picture. I think they're just asking for it.

  2. Salaam

    Just wanted to say, I've been reading your blog for the last few weeks and have found it really interesting. I can relate to a lot of the things you have talked about from the point of view of Muslim girl.

    Marriage is one of the biggest decisions we will have to make in our life, here's to praying that
    Inshallah we make the right decision for all the right reasons. Ameen.

  3. BintKhalil -

    Walaikum Salam,

    Unfortunately there's no real way to know until you've been married. However, there's so much you can do to minimise the risk.

    The questioning stage is crucial. One can ask questions where there is no right or wrong answer. For example . . what makes you angry? How do you react when you're angry? There is no right or wrong way to answer this. With questions like these one can begin to see a persons characteristics. This and the all important Istikhaara.

    I agree on the point about looks. I believe there should be an element of attraction. However, a persons characteristics is far more important.

    The issue with looks is a societal issue. Humans are constantly bombarded with expectations, feelings, desires and lust. These qualities blind a lot of muslims.

  4. Anon - Jazakhallah Khair for posting and ameen to that!

  5. Salamo-Alekom,

    These type of blogs really do interest me a lot. And I love your style of writing. I just want to comment on this by saying that some people before marriage seek to mask their true personalities, and they would aim to present themseleves in the best possible image. I think falling for the wrong type of person could happen to anyone and I don't really think that time is really the issue here. I could be getting to know you, and all I am doing is presenting you with the kind of views and answers that I know you would find pleasing or appealing.

    Anyways, I have a question for you. How would you advise a person, who is scared of commitment because of the chance of finding someone better?

  6. Sara,

    I completely agree with your first paragraph. I've been in that situation where a brother, I guess in a sense, studies a sister. He knows how she thinks, how she acts and the kind of company she surrounds herself with and then acts accordingly. The only way to truly figuring out a person is to do the them. They can be as perfect as possible in front of you..but what are they like in the masjid? in their dealings with others? (Enter Background check!)

    As for your question in regards to fear of commitment because you feel you can find someone better....make istikhara. Ask Allah (SWT) for guidance. Afterall, who knows you better than the One who created you? Put your faith in Him. TRUST ME: Istikhara works...even though at times you may find what you want doesn't happen and you aren't immediately pleased with the outcome...but wait a little will see that Allah has guided you correctly. Afterall, He is the best of planners.

  7. Thanks a lot '' for your response. And you are absolutely right istkhara is the only way. So, one more question.. what do you think is the max age difference between a guy and a girl?

  8. I guess the answer to that question is a matter of personal opinion. As for me, I know I don't want to marry a man who is my age, I also know I don't want to marry a man who is much older than me (because I want him to be my friend, not my father). For me 3-4 years would be ideal, but I have seen other sisters who have gone for men as much as 10-15 years their senior and are happy Alhamdulilah. So it really depends.

  9. Walaikum Salam Sara,

    I agree. It's happened to the best of us.

    Istikhaara is the weapon of the believer. When you intend to marry someone marry them for the qualities you like. Marrying someone because you feel they'll make you more islamic amongst similar reasons just doesn't work. I'm currently witnessing another failed marriage for this sole reason.

    How can you work around people deceiving you? Don't depend on direct generic questions such as:
    i) Do you pray?
    ii) Do you cover?

    Ask questions which don't have a right or wrong answer. For example:
    i) What makes you angry?
    ii) How do you deal with anger?

    With these kind of questions you can't really put a front on. Why? Because there is no right or wrong way to answer this. With questions like these you can really begin to suss a person out.

    Adding to hijaabified's comment, you should also see how a person acts/reacts in front of different groups of people. Parents, brothers/sisters, friends (if poss), public environment and the list goes on . .

    Ask questions like; how would your best friend describe you? Do you like watching friends? Is the glass half full or half empty?

    It's good to have a diverse range of questions.

    I also believe it's important to lay the foundations on the first/second meet. Be completely honest, don't try too hard to impress . . just be yourself. This will only benefit us if we're compatible and save us a headache if we're not. What Allah has written will be etc ..

    The age issue really varies between men/women. It's all down to personal preference. I would ideally like to marry someone who's the same age or a few years younger. However, that could be slightly swayed depending on their personality/characteristics.

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. I agree with your comments bro. Istikhara works if you have faith in Allah's guidance. I remember praying istikhara for someone I was considering for marriage and he seemed to come from a good family. Just seemed like a serious person who doesn't talk too much (actually beware of such people since you don't know what they are hiding). But after a while I found out he was a terrible Muslim who had several relationships and even had a girlfriend on the side when his proposal came from his family's side. Somehow I don't think I would have found out, since we were in different countries, if it wasn't for istikhara and Allah's will. And the truth came from the horse's mouth so it wasn't about suspicion either although I did sense something fishy but obviously had no proof.

    I'm not sure if men have this intuition but I feel sometimes I get a gut feeling about people being wrong for me. Most times you can tell by certain signs or comments they make or actions they take. For example, person X used to pick fights with his classmates, giving one a beating till he was bloody, used to enjoy torturing/taunting animals (seen during a class trip to the zoo). Astagfirullah. He did get married but I'm not aware of his relationship with his wife but I would be very afraid to marry such a person. So it is also important to talk to other people about a person especially for violent & other dangerous tendencies.

    It's also a good idea to not rush into marriage and take a little time before you can understand someone. And as you suggested, ask a lot of questions. :)

  12. This entry really made me sad-one of the things that makes me scared of getting married-to get severely hurt:(

  13. I want to marry someone much younger than me.he is my thus case i would be the older one (the woman).my family think hes using me to get to the uk.i did istikhara and it was fact i did it twice and i had exactly the same can i make my family understand there us nothing wrong with marryibg a man 20 years my junior.i dnt look my age and he looks older.pls hekp.islamic responses only