I think I'm coming down with something. My food and water intake has come down by about 50%. That's a lot.
Standing under the fan for 1.5 hours in taraweeh yesterday wasn't a great idea.
Night Four
She dropped me a line today. Saying I made her feel inadequate. I'm a great guy but I should give her a chance.
I was quick off the mark to apologise. Regardless of my actions if someone feels like that, I apologise. Thinking about it. She tripped up. I was okay about it. But I did follow up a day later asking for a clarification, as things didn't make sense. Perfectly valid and rightly entitled to do so. I get the feeling she's feeling inadequate because she said she's ruining her chance. She feels inexperienced.
The advisor (sis) thinks she's a lovely girl but is lacking. She tried helping me to list what she brings to this marriage, we did pretty bad. She's nice and sincere whilst all that is lovely there may be a problem. A marriage is about two people bringing stuff to a party. My suitor herself also believes I'm bringing a whole lot to the table and is questioning why somebody like me would be interested in a girl like her. I don't like this lack of confidence.
I will continue to make excuses and focus on the good things. I believe everybody has something to bring to the party. I just need to find out what presents she has lined up.
All that said. I am starting to feel a little unsure if anything.
Istikhara take four: Complete.
Status: Unsure. Need to see how the next few days pan out.
My sister and my nephew have gone home. A.K.A my sidekicks. I've got a tight bond with my sister. Boy can this girl fight. She's feisty. Whenever we get into an argument we just stop. Our personalities are strong. And boy does everyone know it. When we bang heads we know where it's going. Jokes always pursue. I love this girl, she's one sibling I know I'm going to be tight with for the rest of my life.
She's talked to my suitor and she approves of her. She realises the same things I do. One thing I love about my sister is that she's not afraid to upset me nor is she afraid in saying anything to me. Girl speaks the raw truth.
I've appointed her as my advisor.
Word yo!
Night Three
I woke up with some kind of negativity today. Logically, I tried to make sense of it.
I got to briefly speak with the prospect today to address what happened yesterday. I gave her a chance to explain herself. She feels like she's unable to articulate herself well enough. This incident put me off and I told her that and for what reasons. She apologised and explained further. Only got to speak for minutes.
I was listening to lecture a earlier by Noumaan Ali Khan. He said something profound. "Don't try to rationalise when women are feeling that way." Boooom. A woman doesn't needed to be reminded about the way she's been created. I need to consider that. Pair it up with how she does and deals with things.
She's a tad bit on the softer side. I like it. But I don't like it.
I've made some adjustments on how we're going to proceed. She's game and understands. I asked her to take couple of days out. Spend time with friends and family. It takes the pressure off her. Chilling is the best of environments to make things work. You'll see.
I don't have to inform you all of what's going down at the moment.
In case you don't know, here's Aljazeera's Spotlight on the Horn of Africa's drought: http://aje.me/p9cKte
Here are my thoughts. Had Allah (swt) willed he can alleviate these people of their difficulties. But the truth is it's our test. All those mothers, father, brothers, sisters, children and baby. They will go to Jannah insha'Allah. The real test is how much we're going to do. How much of our rizq we're going to part with.
For those who have doubts with where their money is going. Remember Allah (swt) will reward you for your intentions. Stop looking for excuses.
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah, who said that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: Allah (swt) will say on the Day of Resurrection:
"O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me." [Related by Muslim]
Remember this is our test. It's ramadan and this is a month of giving, mercy and blessing. The ultimate goal is Taqwa. We know the reward of giving someone water and a date to break their fast. Lets do our part today.
Before I spoke to my hero. I had a gut feeling like I've never felt before. One of peace. Everything just felt so right.
Masha'Allah he gave me a real eye opener. He said "I love you for the sake of Allah, I'm only saying this just in case you haven't thought about it."
The truth is, this time round I thought had it all sussed out. Top notch. My process very thorough. Fairly methodical. But he trumped me again. He worded things the way he does. It made me think all over again.
Night Two
Made a big breakthrough today. Something happened. It doesn't seem great but Allah knows best and only time will tell.
One of my good friends gave me a call earlier, he was in the neighbourhood. So I invited him and his wife round to break iftar with us. I attended their wedding just over a month ago. His advice was good.
Whilst dropping them off. Just seen the rapport between them two? Masha'Allah! His wife is hilarious. I was always worried this brother would never meet his match. Clearly he has from seeing them in action and listening to their advice.
After Taraweeh, I met up with another friend. Stayed around his until 3am and I just arrived home for sehri and fajr.
I've had a lot of food for thought.
I'll let it marinate for tonight and see what tomorrow brings me.
10 Nights. 10 Entries. With the help of Allah's Counsel, I will be persuaded towards a decision and things may continue to go well or they may well come to a halt.
I'm writing this at 2:15am. I'm tired! So if things don't make sense... make sense of it because I'll most likely be writing at stupid o' clock :) Taraweeh finishes after midnight and I usually stay up til Sehri to fast and pray fajr.
I've started istikhara much earlier than I anticipated but I've done so for good reason. I was sure. Given some food for thought and I became unsure.
It's time to speak to my lord again.
Take One
I've made a commitment to speak to her for a couple of hours everyday since last week. We also speak on loud speaker in presence of her parents and/or siblings. Strictly halal as usual.
I've got a good feel for the kind of girl she is. Masha'Allah! Sincerity to the brim. That's her unique selling point. Winner right? I thought so too.
I met up with my hero after taraweeh for a quick 20 minute chat. The last time we spoke was about 6 months ago since the last prospect. He's my hero for a reason. Allah has blessed him with a brain that I will continue to compete with.
I told him things were going well. I told him my concerns and he addressed them.
He has a point.
This is girl seems like an opposite to the last one. His concern was me. What do I want? The balance of both I guess.
Do I want a wife that's ready for marriage? Or do I want a wife that's in her infancy in life and people skills?
She's 3 years younger than me. Which makes her pretty young. I need to explore and look into other traits.
First time moving away from home. Being a wife. Putting up with difficult surroundings. Having to study at University. What if she falls pregnant early in the marriage? Whilst her body is going through hormonal changes, would she able to cope with so much change?
Its given me a lot to think about. Time to start breaking things down in my head.
