Ramadan Mubarak

Look.

I'm ethnic. So of course I'm going to be late about stuff like this!

Do I need to say anything about how glorious this month is? Do I really?

Ok just let me say a little..

It is narrated that Muhammed (saw) addressed his companions saying:

"Oh people! A great month has come over you; a blessed month; a month in which is a night better than a thousand months; a month in which Allah has made it compulsory upon you to fast by day, and voluntary to pray by night. Whoever draws nearer (to Allah) by performing any of the (optional) good deeds in (this month) shall receive the same reward as performing an obligatory deed at any other time, and whoever discharges an obligatory deed in (this month) shall receive the reward of performing seventy obligations at any other time. It is the month of patience, and the reward of patience is Heaven. It is the month of charity, and a month in which a believer's sustenance is increased. Whoever gives food to a fasting person to break his fast, shall have his sins forgiven, and he will be saved from the Fire of Hell, and he shall have the same reward as the fasting person, without his reward being diminished at all." [Narrated by Ibn Khuzaymah]

 Hold on, hold on! 

A night better than a thousand nights!? Some of us may not even live for that many nights! Our sustenance’s are increased, optional deeds are of the same reward as obligatory deeds, all our sins are forgiven, and the reward of obligatory deeds is like performing 70 obligations at any other time. A bargain not to be missed!

Can you feel the prophet’s excitement as he tells his companions about it?

A month of reward.
A month of mercy.
A month of bounty.
A month of forgiveness.
A month of being freed from hell fire.
A month of attaining honour.

That's ghetto!

Ramadan Mubarak!!

You Plan. And Allah Plans. Doesn't Take Much To Figure Who's Better?

I had the interview that I last posted about. It was interesting. The interview itself went fairly well. He asked a lot of questions. He then asked me "have you any questions?"

My last question was "have you any doubts whether I'm suitable for this position?" he changed his posture and smiled. "I have a few reservations" he said, and he elaborated.

I heard from them a couple of a days ago. "I have some good news and bad news." "Okay, hit me up" I said.

A lot was said. In a nutshell he said "He doesn't think you're suitable for this position. He thinks you wouldn't be happy and believes you're far more talented. He also said in a serious manner, you have potential to become a politician." At this point I started to laugh "He was dead serious when he said that. So basically, he wants to try and get you in into a project management consultant role. Even though you're 22, he sees so much potential in you." I was taken back and I agreed to another interview.

The very next day I heard back from one of my favourite companies of all time. I passed their test and I got through to the second stage. My dream place to work, ever since I was a kid. I was invited for a 10 hour assessment day. Don't get me started!

This is when the week had started. I had plotted a 540 mile road trip for this journey.

I left on Saturday and I drove 150 miles down to Geetar Hiro's place. We had one hell of a time (as usual) with the boys. I stayed until Fajr of Tuesday. I was busy preparing like mad for the interview. I only slept 50 minutes, if that. I left early hours and drove about 80 miles to my interview. I arrived 1hr 35mins early. Note to self: Don't take advice from GH again.

The assessment day was rock solid. A team of 8 interviewers throughout the whole day, and every one of them would get an opportunity to assess me. It started with a presentation. Interview. 3 individual assignments. 3 group assignments. One negotiation task. And an exam that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

The buffet was the highlight of the day. I was absolutely starving and I'm not shy when it comes to food. Mmmhmm (it's time for sehri in an hour, I'm getting hungry!) At end of the day I felt confident and proud. Proud because I gave it my best.

From the assessment centre, I drove another 80 miles to one of my best friends house to stay for the night as the journey back home was too far. I want you to hold and remember this part of the journey, I will come back to this real soon.

Now I heard back from both companies two days ago. The project management position was filled sooner than they expected by someone far more experienced. And I didn't get the second one. I didn't feel upset. I genuinely know I tried my best. I tied my camel real hard. Infact, I tied that dude so hard, I can get done for cruelty!

This journey in finding rizq (provision) was an excuse.

Bear with me whilst I digress. 16 months on since Aisha. That's how long it took for Allah to show me why. I get it now.  Like totally. Just like the others now. I have that feeling of peace and serenity of why she wasn't for me. I make this super duper dua whenever I look into a suitor. One of the things I ask for from Allah is that "If she's best the for me in all my affairs in both this dunya and the akhira." And he responds. Now, I'm not worthy enough of his attention but he's answered my duas. I can only continue to sit in humility. 

I thought it would be more difficult. I thought maybe... in everything that I do, I'm wrong. I thought. And I thought. My last of thoughts was that now isn't my time. 

I thought wrong.

Wrong because I think... I think I may have found her. 

Interview Time

I had an exam for a new job and it was more difficult than any exam at Uni :\ Alhamdulillah, I did well.

I have my second interview tomorrow with the company director and his Human Resources (HR) minion. It's going to be a tough one.

Headquarters at SoulSeeks. Prep is at full force!

Duas would be much appreciated homies!

Peace.

Introducing Zina

Part 3

Accommodation was a struggle. I spent two months look for an apartment/house with Muslims. That didn't work out, it wasn't a great surprise, the Muslim community was dead. The best compromise I managed to find was a quiet place with a shared communal bathroom and kitchen with non-Muslims.

Whenever there were planned parties and barbecues, I would prepare in advance to avoid these. Away for the weekend with the brothers or going home. It worked in keeping me away from the sinful stuff. With prior notice arrangements would always be made. However, there would be those situations that you just cannot prepare for. And this was one of them situations.

A regular Jummah. Casual dress at work, half a day. That Friday feeling of attending Jummah straight after work and hanging with a few boys. Hitting the gym, showering  and then cooking a fresh meal from the ground up. Eating and then doing the dishes.

Night time approached and I was getting ready to kick back for the night. 

It was usually quiet around that time as the flat mates were always out on a Friday night. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and finish cleaning up. En route to the kitchen, that over powering smell hit me of sweet, sweet perfume. I did not expect the source of that smell to be present. Women.  

Enter fitna. Making small talk with the guys whilst putting away a few things and she just came up and introduced herself.  One of my flatmates exclaimed "Yo soulseek lets go out tonight, you never come out with us" I resorted to excuse #47 in the western muslim excuse book and I found a cue to excuse myself.

I got back to my room and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was. She was my kryptonite. And it hurt me hard. In on a Friday night, always coming up with the same old excuses. Feeling crap whilst they're all going out to have a laugh. Sucks. Really does. Tough - It's the life of a believer, I thought.
 
Still struck by this girl's beauty, the penny dropped "It's time to start looking into marriage."

I was waiting for them to leave so I could get my laundry.

It was just then I saw my door open. And there she was. My desire. My fitna. Beautiful from top to bottom. With that gleaming smile. And she was in MY bedroom. Nothing came out of my mouth. In complete awe.

"Hey, get dressed! You're coming out with me" she said. Lame book reflex #96 kicked in "Sorry, I have to be up early tomorrow" she looked at me with those bright blue eyes "On a Saturday?" I have a great poker face but my lying skills? They're awful. I didn't convince her.

"Wow, I love your room!" she exclaimed, walking around and touching things. She sat on my bed. Close proximity.

Enter dopamine. The neurotransmitter responsible for attraction. Attraction isn't a choice, I couldn't help notice the details.

Playing with her hair.
The eye contact of those deep blue eyes.
That smile.
Her body orientated towards me.
The (lack of) clothes.
Her drawing in closer to me.

I couldn't understand what had happened. Its like I had forgotten everything. My mind went completely blank. I had been in a lot of situations but the proximity of this one. I was stuck.

Intoxicating levels of testosterone paired up with dopamine. Agitated feelings. I could not control my feelings. The one way flirting she doing was like an addictive drug. She liked me. She was the fix to whatever drug I was deprived of.

Somewhere in that blank mind of mine, a few brain cells merged together and they started transmitting a signal. A signal of guilt. I started to analyse damage control and calculations of risk assessment. The conversation in my head that would decide the outcome. "Dude, have you seen how fiiiiine this girl is?" "Come on this will only be your first 'mistake' you're as clean as they come." "You don't have to go the whole hog, just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing will happen. You're strong like that."

Too much was happening in my head. "I'll be back, going to the kitchen" I said.

I had entered the matrix. It seems in those couple of minutes, I'm convinced that I slowed down time. I broke things down and continued with the risk assessment. One thing was for sure, I could not control the chemicals in my body. These urges were making me think of the unthinkable.

I've always had this philosophy of all or nothing. Shaytaan came in as the voice of reason "Just go out, you don't have to do anything. Zina's far fetched thing man, you can control yourself." Come on, man up! I thought.

I made my way back to the room.

I sat in my chair, she moved closer. "We're gonna set off, lets go" I got up with her and I walked her to my door.

"Sorry, I won't be coming."

She looked at me. "You sure? We could have so much fun!"

I declined and I closed the door after her.

I put my forehead against the door in defeat and all I could repeat was "You idiot."
I locked the door. "You're going to regret that for the rest of your life." I thought. I dropped the dead lock and I turned my back against the door.

Stood there just frustrated and angry. I had never felt like this.

Unable to move for a while. I helplessly climbed on my bed and momentarily crouched in that ever so vulnerable position. The one I believe babies are born in the womb of their mothers. Utterly useless and helpless. Then staring at the ceiling for hours.

Shaytaan was having so much fun. "Pathetic loser. Here's your reward for being good. No one's watching and no one cares. This is why you're alone."

I didn't sleep the whole night. I remember just lying there questioning everything. Angry, confused and awfully frustrated. It was 4am and they strolled in. Pissed out of their heads. Giggling, laughing, girls screaming and the sound of stilettos.

It was exactly at this point, I understood what my struggle would become. I truly understood the concept of whatever leads to haraam, is haraam in itself. It made much more sense after this experience and in application. When your tempted by your desires, those strong desires. There does come that point of no return. Zina. I don't know how but I did it. And I've remained to stay completely chaste.

I know the sacrifices I've made. And why I've made them. More importantly, the fruits and love that will blossom when I get married.

I guess there's always time for an XBOX 360 achievement ;) Here was mine.

Will Powaaa!!

The truth is, Zina has always been fighting away at full force. I've remained to stay untouched. Taking all kinds of precautions. But the truth is I'm not waiting around for it to sting me.

And this is why I've reopened The Quest. 

Announcing Sins - Comment From A Reader

In my last entry a reader writes..

"Assalamualaikum bro

May Allah grant you goodness in this life and the next...

bro i dont know...maybe you are writing this to help others take heed ...since Islam is about naseeha/sincere advice, i wanted to say that it's better to keep your sins to yourself and turn in repentance to Allah.. i dont know maybe im wrong but this is what came to my mind when i read some of your entries especially this one
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: All the people of my Ummah would get pardon for their sins except those who publicise them. And (it means) that a servant should do a deed during the night and tell the people in the morning that he has done so and so, whereas Allah has concealed it. And he does a deed during the day and when it is night he tells the people, whereas Allah has concealed it. Zuhair has used the word hijar for publicising.
Sahih Muslim"

Walaikum Salaam Warahmatullah,

I'm glad somebody raised this. Glad because we still have people here that are willing to speak for the good. Glad because our thoughts and actions are reflections of one another. Before I begin, May Allah reward the brother with his good intentions. As that's what they are.

However, there's a small problem. 

"i wanted to say that it's better to keep your sins to yourself"

I haven't in this post nor any other talked about my sins nor have I glorified them in any way.

"i dont know maybe im wrong but this is what came to my mind when i read some of your entries especially this one"

I would be interested to hear 'what these other entries' are. As always, I'm always open minded to discussion and debate. Especially Naseeha anybody has to share. 

Here's my irk. As a more generalised point. We have a become a nation of people that point fingers. And we lack the core qualities of Muslims in this process. A reminder to myself. We point without confirming evidence. More importantly we point without listening.  

Without listening?! Who needs to listen? That's stuff normal people do. We need to get our point in first.

I didn't finish my entry off. To call what I've done a sin, lets be careful when we say things like this. I haven't  finished off what happened. To make that assumption based upon key words such as sex, women, tight dress and curvy is just nonsense. These words are not a sin. The context is not a sin.

Here's the crack. As Muslims we pretend like these things don't happen. Maybe in some people's world, it doesn't. I hate to break it to you, but this is real. And so is the context. Perhaps the next part might bring some more light. 

A super important reminder for us all to keep brotherhood and relationships intact as believers:

Hamdun al-Qassar said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman, 7.522]

We struggle to make one excuse. +69 more please? 

“A believer is a mirror of the believer.” [Abu Dawud]

What you see in someone is reflection of what is within yourself. Super important. Especially in a marriage. A spouse reflects the qualities of their other half. If there's something wrong, look at yourself.

“None of you believes until they wish for others as they wish for themselves.” [Tirmidhi]

And not forgetting directly from the all wise, the all knowing himself:

“Believers! Leave much doubt, for most doubt is sinful.” [Qur'an, 49.12]

Why? Because we all have assumptions based on people. Even on those people that we may not even know. We may sometimes either:

1. Look for mistakes.
2. By default, assume they are sound and free of error. 

Both dangerous. 

If we are looking to find something wrong, we can win this game all day long. Why? Humans are by definition imperfect. Fallible and prone to making many mistakes.

By doing the opposite -In assuming they're perfect, we're opening ourselves up for doubt. We'll be sure to find something that leaves room for doubts. Allah has commanded us above to leave doubts. 

Take the middle path and remember that success alone, is from Allah.

I want to finish off with a reminder for ourselves from Surat At-Tur. In the earlier ayahs Allah (swt) talks about the proofs of qiyamah, describing the day. He continues by giving glad tidings to the believers and he talks of the rewards the believers will have in Jannah. The place of all things happy and full of smiles.

 

From V23 to V27 here's the low down. 

All the dwellers will be handed cups of pure white wine. Cheers everyone! However, it will be very different from what we know. This won't be branded nor will it be made by yukky human beings. This will be from creation of Allah. It won't contain any intoxicants nor will it make the dwellers tipsy, drunk or hungover. This will be a drink of pure pleasure. Yum! There will be servants, lots of them. These guys will be clean in appearance and beautiful like untouched pearls. Perfection.

The believers are going to gather and speak to each other. "Yo, remember the time we did [...] on the dunya" and they will continue talking about those things they did in the life of this world, and within our families. Then they will say that they were afraid of Allah and fearful of his punishment whilst they were here.

فَمَنَّ اللَّهُ عَلَيْنَا وَوَقَـنَا عَذَابَ السَّمُومِ

"So Allah has been gracious to us, and has saved us from the torment of the Fire."

He did us a favour. A favour from his compassion and his mercy. He saved us from what we feared. 

Happy place, is it not? Ah, I can't stop smiling. It makes me smile because that should be our goal insha'Allah but if we want in, we need to start reflecting. Change starts here. Change starts today. And change starts now. Time for us all to start looking within.

Truly, Allah knows best. 

Peace.

Introducing New Tests And Rewards

Part 2

I needed that awakening, that reminder of making peace with imperfection.

The need of dependency, perfection and the desire for inner tranquillity. Right there? That's a conflict. In my mind, I always expected things to happen in a certain way and somewhere along the line... I expected it to be better than it should; by definition, it was a losing battle. Earlier, I discovered that when you rely on people, you set yourself out to be disappointed. I made peace with this idea. I also made peace with the idea that some people have it worse. I started to appreciate all those things we all take for granted. A sense of gratitude started flooding in. I was grateful for having the gift of life. The ability to think independently. A 20/20 vision. All my limbs intact. And that invincible determination to succeed.

It was time to play. I was feeling all game.

I started checking out different organisations. There were a number of  new companies. One caught my eye. "The best premium car manufacturer in the world." Those words struck a melodic chord. I wanted in, at all costs. It seemed every other male in UK wanted it too. But I wanted it more than all of them. This was my ticket out of everything.

There's that point in Uni life where every brown person makes good friends with a white person, at some point of their course. Then there may come a time where like every other friend... they step out of line.

[Cue a lame discussion..] - "SoulSeek, I didn't apply there. Like you've got a chance?" The words wasn't the issue. It was the condescending tone. No one has ever spoken to me like that. It was insulting. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. It stung.

I let it slide, just like that. Why? Afterall, he became the person that gave me the push I needed.
 
I wasn't wrong when I thought the competition would be somewhat ridiculous. Everyone was getting rejected. Left, right and centre. Their rejection emails notified them that over 1400 people had applied for the position. My confidence quivered but I kept faith. So what if it doesn't work out? I felt confident that my skillset and people skills would be competative. But I needed to be more. I had to somehow put that in my application form. I put in some serious hours and effort. I completed my application form. I needed to seal the deal.

I made a promise to Allah. A promise that later defined our relationship. One of trust and love. 

I waited patiently and I continued dealing with my other issues. I didn't get back anything from the company. It had been a while, so I took it as a rejection. I was then invited for an interview at another company in Cambridge. It was just me and another student. It was one of the highest paid placements in the University, arguably in the country. The preparation had put my competition game up, a wise investment. I accepted the interview.

New year came. It was stupid o'clock in the and I received an email about 2am.

"SoulSeek, accept my apologies for not getting back to you. The competition has been fierce for this one position. There's been over 1400 candidates who applied. Are you still interested in this position?" 

When I read this. I had a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was a warm, warm feeling. A feeling of hope. You know when you see something and even before knowing more about it, you make that decision in pouring every ounce of effort into it. This was it, this was the one. The one that I would give my all. After exchanging a few emails we arranged a telephone interview. I had 2 days to prepare. In front of a panel of 3.

Prep wasn't going well. My confidence was about as convincing as a boy breaking his voice during puberty. Doubts kept flooding in. Like what are the chances of a muslim getting in or a street boy?

I locked myself up in my room for the 2 days. I prepared intensively. More than any exam I've prepared for.

Came interview day. It was more serious than I had imagined. The 3 interviewees meant serious business. First was an expat from a European country who was in charge of the department for the whole of UK for 3 big car brands. Second, a logistical technology manager. Third, the guy who I would be worker under - A pro in my field. Crap, my chances of blagging would have no place. I was interrogated and I was interrogated hard from all three of them. They picked my CV apart. I talked about some of developments. I was honest and I was transparent. Answers just kept confidently flowing.

It was finally over. And I was put on hold.

"Hello.... SoulSeek?" the third guy said. "Yes?" I answered. "We like you. We would like to spend the day with you. To see if the company is for you and whether you're for us. How does that sound?"

I felt a silent breeze. "Are you [..] Are you offering me the job?" I asked. "Pretty much, we just need to sort out the budgeting and get you on the systems and see your capabilities in action. From our discussion, I think you can do it." Lights started flashing in front of my eyes, and before I knew it: *this* kicked off in my head.

I went to the interview. 150 miles away from home. I remember that feeling, when I arrived at the plant. It was humongously ginormous! 5,000 associates. Cars being made by funky robots. I felt like a kid. I now knew what the children felt like when they won the golden ticket to Willy Wonkas' factory. It was everything I had hoped for it to be. I aced the challenges put in front of me. And strangely enough, it seemed that my ability to speak German paid off.

I got the call. And the job was mine. The trump card was mine. Oh, It was all so worth it.

Meanwhile at uni, things were turning around. I remember the bounce slowly starting to come back into my step. Scraping passes became a thing of the past. On one of the largest final projects, I received 95%.  "You bloody deserve this and congrats on the job. Do yourself proud." said the module leader

That's exactly what I did.  

Moving away. For the first time in 19 years of my life. Seriously fun times were ahead. My car took us through some crazy adventures. I made up for those years I missed out on. Everything was about to go uphill from here.

Learning how to fend for myself was absolutely essential. You don't really ever know who you are until you have struggled. You have to feel hunger. You have to get on with difficult people. You have to sleep on the floor. You have to cook. You have to clean the toilet for the first time in your life. You have to get on with strangers. You have to run colours in the wash and ruin your favourite tops. You have to mix with people to survive in unthinkable situations - To lose that innocence and naivety. To learn what its like "out there" and you can only achieve that by throwing yourself in uncomfortable places and learning to get by without support.

These difficulties taught me to appreciate small things. My love for my family increased. My dislikes decreased. I was becoming an all round better person.It was lovely to be around people who loved me and supported me regardless but it was important for me to know that I could get by without that.

I LOVED Season 1 of Prison Break. Russel Crowe's The Next Three Days was a great movie. Albeit both being somewhat far fetched, they both have something in common. They're both about a guy setting out to do something with conviction and doing it with an unshaken sense of will. Bravo. They do what many great men before our times have done.

In reality, life isn't that much different. We're in control of making our choices. We choose to be great people.

I was becoming more intelligent. My wisdom was increasing. My development was going through that golden era. I started making a lot of decision. Things, I never thought of. It was crazy, scary, wild - I couldn't decide which one took precedence. I decided to test my philosophy of having the ability to do a-n-y-thing I want. Anything. I took on many new challenges. I acquired a number of talents. One of the challenges I set out to accomplish was to take up a sport that I was always intrigued by.

Remember the part when I let my self go? I was fat. I looked hideous. Appearance? Non-existent. Sex rank? A generous 4. Saying it feels horrible.

I boxed for 8 years in my earlier years. It was a giant disappointment. Just looking at myself. How can anyone let their self go so bad? This had to change.

So, I set out to educate myself.  I wanted to be good at this sport. I gave it a shot. Left my ego and pride at the door. I started training.

In a year I got rid of 4 stones of fat. Even things like waiting in a que at a groceries store would feel different. When you aimlessly look around the magazine's shelf, see the front cover of a men's training magazine and smile. Smile because you look like that too. Out with the old and in with the new.

The hair changed.  Stylish.
New wardrobe. Check.
Dress sense. Class.
Body. Guys looking and commenting, creepy but strangely flattering. 
Beard. Masha'Allah.
Appearance. Looking sharp.
 
Almost everyone would fail to recognise me. As for the sport? I continued. I was getting good. It never crossed my mind that in the future... I could be competing for Britain this year.

My sex appeal was starting to rocket. However, I had no idea that something so good and positive was about to become one of my biggest tests. It be wouldn't long before man's greatest desire would present itself, at force.
 
Then, it happened. The day Zina walked through my door. Super tight dress. She was dressed to impress. And every single part in my body was physically attracted to her.

That.

That, I could NOT control.

Part 4

Believe In Yourself

When you're looking through prospects. You could be one of the unfortunate few where nothing is happening. Perhaps through no fault of your own. Confidence and self-esteem will naturally drop.

You will get knocked down. Time and time again. If it isn't in looking for a suitor, it will be in another part of your life.

Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself because only you can pick yourself back up and get right back in there. Persistence and a strong sense of determination are the key ingredients.

Do your part. Then kick back and watch the fireworks kick off. Success is from Allah. And don't you forget that.

Take it from this kid... (for extra lols change 'ride a bike' to 'find a wife') 

Hahahaha! Seriously, everything he said right there? Magic! That's how you succeed in life and finding a wife. (I know you liked that line ;o) )

Peace.

P.S. I will finish the introduction. A lot has been happening. I'll be sure to report back when time permits.