Monday, 16 May 2011

The Introduction Continues

Part 1

Those I loved deeply, the ones that meant so much to me were drowning. I watched these seasons my whole life. But this was the finale.They were taking me down with them on this ride. As I started to drown in the pain and sorrows I stopped fighting against survival.

The problem wasn't the people. Nor was it the drowning. The was problem was when I gave up on surviving. Disappointment became a normal emotion for me. I had catastrophic episodes when I was young. The first incident shattered me. Completely. I had a giant hole in my heart. I never shared this with anyone. I never showed any signs of fear nor did I shed a tear. I didn't give up on life either. I was stubborn. I remained strong.

I was always taught drugs were bad. The stuff that would mess your life up. School painted a picture where all drug users were scum.

That couldn't have been further from the truth. 14, I looked at everyone around me. I knew one thing for sure, they weren't the people they talked of. I would sit there whilst the boys would roll up a spliff. Out of respect they wouldn't smoke in front of me. But they would talk of how they would just do it to have a good time. I would hear of how they would occasionally round up loads of girl and just smoke pot together. And then they would laugh about it at school. You know, harmless fun. Full of jokes and games. The obsession of getting laid. The obsession of getting paid to sell dope. The market was rife for young dealers. It was stuff they aspired to.

Some would smoke weed as a form of escapism. The stuff you hear from other people and programmes aren't as it's made out to be. Like EastEnders, it's all a load of bull.

These were real people with really messed up problems. When you live with stuff like that, I mean who can you turn to? It's all good saying Allah is there for you, that's the approach I would resort to. But when they - Your cousins and close friends question his very existence what can you say or do other than look at them with a blank face? I felt helpless. I felt useless.

That blank face resurfaced. 5 years later.

Here was the mistake I had made for years. I was out to a seek that inner void in my life, that void of fulfilment. I had things that many did not have, and vice versa. I was grateful. However, that void was something I never had.

I was disappointed. I was betrayed. I was let down. My faith in people was destroyed. I was great with people. I always have been. In response the treatment wasn't the same. It was sickening. Spawned from evil itself. I was always taught to deal with things on an eye for an eye basis. However, that idea, the one of truth wouldn't let me do that.

People would do that often, wrong me. I would seek goodness and return empty handed. Let me give you an example. It's like the world today. Where people turn to the western world for intervention to help the muslim world. Not only is it ridiculously stupid. You will only find yourself to be disappointed, time, and time again. I didn't learn this by reading. I didn't see it on TV. I witnessed it first hand, after trying, and trying, and trying.

I would reflect and I would judge my self-worth and try to seek happiness, serenity and fulfilment. I realised that people would never provide me that. My premise was completely wrong. My logic was way off. I always thought dunya consisted of  worldly things. So you know, material stuff. I never thought that people themselves are dunya. By definition of temporary. And by definition full of faults, imperfect. I set myself up to be let down. I sought all those things in dunya. I couldn't have been further from the truth. I could only find these things in one place. A place where feelings don't fluctuate. A place where they're unconditional. A place that no room for mistakes. A deity gives life and takes life as he pleases. A deity that provides sustenance to each and every entity in the entire universe A deity that has no reliance or partners ascribed to his majesty.  

He is Allah. He is one. He is the master. And the king of all creations.

It was the only answer. I had never committed any major sins. I was what most would consider as a good muslim. My belief was rational and of logical. Blind and emotional faith was never for me. That realisation had just brought me closer. It renewed my faith.

I was drowning. I started to fight. Hysterical to reach the surface. One hand after another. I pulled myself up and I gasped for air. Soaking wet. There was a presence of two. It was just me and him. I raised my hands and I asked him for one thing. And only one thing. The rest? I had it figured out.

In primary school I was told on many occasions that I was gifted. I always had the tendency to laugh at the most inappropriate of times. ME? Gifted? My left big toe. Haha. I was just like the other kids. That's what I would keep saying and believing. 

In secondary school I was almost out of school for a whole academic year. It was the beginning of Year 10. The start of GCSEs. I enrolled into a new school 2 months before the summer holidays. I managed to blag staying in the same school year. I crammed 2 years of GCSE's into a year. Again, I would mess around at school.

Sixth form college, similar story. I did the majority of a 2 years course within weeks. Walking out with the best grades in class. My tutor had once sat me down. "SoulSeek I think you're really smart. I get your game. You do no work. Then you do what no one else is capable of in this class. You become serious and you walk away with the highest grades. Usually I'm not surprised but this is 2 years of A-Levels." He smiled. "Everyone's your best friend in the class but you need to stop interrupting with your joking around. You lead the others on but you're not like them at all. You intrigue me. [..] You never give it your all until you have to. Don't pull this stunt in University."

Came University. I pulled that stunt. It was the biggest mistake I had made. In my course we had to learn 9 different interface languages. That's not something you can bluff or play catch up on.

Coming back, when all the difficulties hit. I was finishing semester 1 during second year of University. I was on a sandwich course. A sandwich course is a 4 year degree, where you take out the third year working in the the real world to gain some experience related to your degree. I was up for my placement. Amidst of all this choas, I decided to drop the placement and go straight onto my final year. Everyone around me was applying for theirs. It was disheartening. I was doing terribly bad at Uni. You know that confidence I had? It was exactly as he said. I had started off as the most intelligent in the year, I ended up at the bottom. A dunce. I was barely scraping passes.

The energy. That feeling I talked of? Returned at this point. It was time. I went in full force. I accepted that if I was going to fail, at least I would be content in knowing I failed with a fight. I remember the rush, the rush of fear, the rush of potentially failing was lingering deeply. It was adrenaline.

I decided to give the placement a try.

Full of this positive energy that I had gathered. I wanted to aim high. I wanted to wipe the floor with awesome. So, I strolled in to Uni and I went for the most competitive placement in the country. All the geeks wanted to work there. I applied. I received a response. What did it say? "Unfortunately..." I made a typo on my covering letter.

That feeling of failing so early. I was gutted.

S'all right though. I had built a good relationship with one of my placement supervisors. I went to the placement office. I knocked on my supervisor's door, he asked me to come in. He seemed quiet busy, he was in middle of writing something. Whilst writing he asked me to speak. I told him I was rejected. He stopped writing and he turned around on his chair, he took his glasses off and he looked at me. "Are you okay? You don't look well." A part of me just wanted to break down, I just wanted needed somebody to speak to. Someone who would listen and someone that was caring. Someone, who wasn't muslim. Someone to know that I'm so badly hurt. I'm so hurt that finally after everything I've been through I just want to give up. He ticked all the boxes, he would listen to me and help me. But I was too stubborn. I tried to speak but I couldn't. "I'm okay, just haven't been sleeping much." I said unconvincingly. "You really want this, don't you?" he said. "I do .. [pause] .. I really do" that's all I could say. "I know you do, this is exactly why you won't give up. People like you get far. So go on, get cracking with more applications."

For the record. At that moment in time, the Muslims? They just walked away. Not from me but the service of Allah. My faith in these people was broken. I had to clean up all their crap. A big number. I ended up running the whole Islamic society on my own. No committee. With turnouts of over 300+ people. I will never forget that struggle. I will never forget that fitnah. I will never forget ill intentions of these people. I will never forget being alone. And I will never forget that pain.

Part 3 


  1. Allah has given you a beautiful gift. Inner strength. Something that so many of us have not yet mastered or nurtured. Your supervisor made a valid point it's people with this quality that get far in life - simply because giving up isn't an option. From your posts I get the impression that you have a 'fixer' personality type. One who is constantly trying to help others but in the process can end up comprimising their own happiness and consequently losing sight of their own goals? This point was simply an observationon on my part so please do correct me if I am wrong. As always thankyou for sharing and I look forward to your next post inshallah.

  2. Anonymous - Jazakallah Khair for your comment. I can see why you be off the mark to think I'm 'fixer' personality type. However, there's one fundamental flaw. The fixer is there for everyone but himself. And that person isn't me. They eventually try so hard in helping others only to find that they're out of zeal - burnt themselves out. At no point did I look to help others before myself. I would help others in the process if they required it but I didn't see it as my job.

    On the contrary, I would always attend to myself before attending to others. I've always had a strong belief in "go and fix yourself before you can fix others, you will only pass on your dysfunctional qualities if you don't."

    More importantly, we see this in the Muslims today. We have guys who preach all day. Yet when they arrive home.. they're wife beaters, disrespectful to their parents and so on. Walking contradictions.

    One thing I do have straight are my priorities. I'm number one.


  3. Assalamu Alaikum Brother,
    Jazakallah for sharing such an intimate part of yourself.

    We all learn from our mistakes, and currently being a university student I can somewhat understand when you were describing 'that stunt'.

    Oh and in regards to the last paragraph about the Muslims. Forget Muslims. People in general, will be people. There are a select few people that you can count on to actually be there when things get messy. But remember the sacrifices you made. Remember the pain. And remember if you did it solely for the cause of Allah, then what better rewards can you expect than from Him?

    May the Almighty grant you ease in life and bless you with the choicest of His blessings.

    Take care of number one dude.


  4. Assalamu alaykum. I just came across your blog last night. It was quiet intriguing. I somehow ended up reading all the posts of this blog..this whole day. (i have a lot of time in my hand at the moment). But I have to say, it was nice seeing a guy's perspective in these things. And also how you came out of each experience. You fell, and got up and got stronger. You seem to have a really good character mashaAllah. And I loved how you referred back to deen in every situation. mashaAllah. Reading your blog helped me understand a lot of things. I guess I am one of those girls..who feels like she is not ready. But i realize, I will never be completely ready. Sometimes I just have to take a leap of faith and jump in. And then self doubt, fear of rejection, fear of getting attached to the wrong one like you did with aisha and getting hurt, fear of not being good enough and having to work on myself more. But then again, not like I have met too many prospects, (most didn't get past my parents). and I also live in a place where there aren't too many muslims to consider even. Anyway, it was a nice read. May Allah (swt) help you in your search to find the one inshaAllah. :)

  5. Yeah you will. You will forget. Happy times delete bad times, it's just the way it is

  6. Nas - Walaikum Salaam,

    Absolutely with you on this one. Jazakallah Khair for the kinds words and your dua's :)

  7. Jannah - Walaikum Salaam,

    Haha, I can so relate to that experience. Sometimes when we attempt to put our selves in somebody else's shoes, it helps us by giving us that thing called perspective. It's wonderful!

    As for not being ready. It's important to differentiate between the big stuff and the small stuff. If you're not ready became there's a personal problem. It would be wrong to assume marriage will fix this. The worries such living conditions, similarities and things that are beyond your control and things you can only determine in a marriage? That's the kind stuff you put your trust in Allah.

    You're always welcome to email me, I've gone through the majority of these issues, so I can offer an insight insha'Allah I will.

  8. Jasmine - It takes the appreciation of bad times to appreciate the good ones. Reflection - Whenever you look back, you will always remember.

    It's not always a bad thing :)

  9. I used to be like that. I'd help people to the point that I felt used. And I never felt that way until uni. Eventually, you snap out of it and realize you just have to ignore people or say no. For your own sanity's sake. I've found a balance now. You will too. :)

    Also, it's so nice of your supervisor to make a positive comment. MashaAllah. Surely he saw something in you that you couldn't see at that point. :)