The Tippin' Point

Discomfort and pain. Ah I know you guys. You're here to mess me up. Not doing a bad job at all me hearties!

These past 4 months have been very difficult. I have never had to deal with these kind of emotions. I've never dealt with another potential so soon.

The situation is more complex than the theory of quantum physics. It's extremely confusing and strange.

Words cannot describe how much I've tried. My patience is really being tested.

I have never been so exposed and out of my comfort zone.

This is good. I don't think I could have learnt what I have - For years to come; but it's a heft price to pay when it comes to emotions. Emotions that can either make you or break you.

I've never been one to quit. I've somehow managed to make it again?

Say hello to paper. Paper will now be my new friend!

Something so simple, has given me that dose of chill. I just attended tafsir class with the comfort knowing sooner or later something good will come out of all this heartache.

I'm still in pain. Chin up. Smile.

Thank you ya rabb.

I Can't Believe I Almost Gave Up!

So the good news has finally been exposed. And yes, if you looked at my face, I'm still grinning! My colleagues at work were wondering why I'm such a happy guy nowadays, why I don't say anything when they're late coming off their lunch breaks, why we leave the workplace earlier (even though it's merely a few minutes earlier than normal, and why I'm generally smiling when I'm doing the worst bits of the job!

Alhamdulillah - that is all I can say. It is such a major relief. Eight long years of looking for a wife. Over. Finished. Now I have a new challenge, which I will talk about in future posts, inshaAllah.

However, looking back at my eight years worth of searching, I remember how I almost gave up looking for a wife. I thought that I would be destined to stay single forever. And it's not because I'm an ugly chap. Or a complete idiot. Or any other derogatory description you can come up with. No, I'm just different. And possibly picky! LOL.

So, let me share with you how I mentally prepared myself for a lifetime of being single.

About 5 years ago, I was working in a dead-end job. I had left university because mechanical engineering was just too dreary for me. And I couldn't even afford the fees anyway. Add on top of that, the travel and living costs, and you are bound to fall into a deathly spiral of debt. No way was I going to let that happen to me. So I left uni and started to work anywhere I could. I had admin jobs, customer service, warehouse work. But the one that I loved the most was retail work. Since that involved interaction with people. I love to chat to people. And I found out that when I chat to customers, they tend to buy things! So I became increasingly good at this.

Since I had left uni, and I was working in a town where there are not many Muslims, I found it difficult to meet sisters. In fact, I started to contemplate whether or not I should just try to marry a non-Muslim, then convert her. Fortunately, there were many girls in my work place who fancied the pants off me! lol! But I never acknowledged their existence because I knew deep down that Muslims and non-Muslims were incompatible. I thought long and hard about what would happen if I were to marry a non-Muslim and I (very quickly) came to the conclusion that we are waaaaaay too different to ever have a peaceful and successful marriage. Oh how the Shaytaan plays with your mind when you are weak! Looking back, I can't even believe that I had these thoughts!

So now, I had come to the conclusion that I'm never going to get a nice Muslim sister (since the girls that my mother brought forward for me were so not compatible with me). And there was no way that I would consider marrying a non-Muslim girl. So in my mind, I had hit a dead end. Maybe Allah hasn't put marriage in my rizq. How am I to know? I guess I can just try as hard as possible to get a wife.

So, I started to mentally prepare myself for a lifetime of being single. I had developed this mentality that I didn't want to be reliant on anyone - including my wife (if I were to ever get one). So, the first thing I did was to learn how to cook! I asked the ladies at work how they cook. The english ones had boring food. So I wasn't interested. lol. Luckily for me, there was one indian lady who was an excellent cook. She talked me through, step by step, what I had to do, the results that I would expect, and so on. Then I went out and bought the ingredient and had a go. I called her up as I was cooking to make sure that I was doing everything right and I ended up with a few slightly amazing dishes by the end of the evening. I was so impressed with myself that I brought it over to my parents' house for them to try.

Alhamdulillah, they were impressed with my cooking, so I offered to come round once a week to cook for the fam - and boy, do I have a large fam! Soulseek knows it!

Every week, I would get better and better, experimenting with new spices, ingredients and techniques that I picked up from my other friends. And soon enough, I knew I had nailed it when my little brother would tell my mum that he missed my cooking and asked our mum when she would cook the dish that I made! My mum tried to copy my recipe once, and my little bro was not impressed! Had I done the impossible - become a better cook than my mother??? lol! My mother and I still laugh about this incident!

So I had done it. I learnt how to cook. So in my future *single* life, I would be ok. I know how to shop for ingredients, that's easy enough - I've been doing that since I was very young. And I knew how to take care of my clothes. My mum taught me how to wash my clothes when I was still in high school. Reason being was that I was the one child in the family who had the most clothes! So I naturally became better and better. I remember spending about 20 minutes in Tesco's talking to one of their staff in the washing clothes aisle about techniques on how to get your whites whiter than ever! I was being completely anal about everything. To the point where my mum would ask me how my whites were whiter than anything she could make! And also, how my shirts were so crisp and smooth, yet the shirts she ironed for my little bro would not be so easy to get the wrinkles out.

All in all, I became so housetrained, then people who came round to visit would often think that I was married. hahaha! I even made sure that the toilet seat was always down and that the toilet roll goes over the top and not hang below - because THAT'S how it's supposed to be!

My friend's mum gave me some nice pictures of flowers to put up around the home to make it more cosy and I spent some serious money on making my lounge the ultimate bachelor's pad!!

Not that I'm bragging or anything, but I bought a projector and a 100" electronic controlled screen which comes down from the ceiling via radio control and soon enough, my house because the centre for all the boys to come down and chill out or to read Qur'an or have study circles and stuff. It was totally male-orientated though, even though I sprayed lavender febreeze once in a while to give it that whiff of feminism!

But as I sat there with all my gadgets and décor, part of me wanted to say "yeah, I don't need a wife", while the other part of me kept saying "you're still missing one half of your deen - how can you concentrate on the other part of your deen without first fulfilling this half (with a wife)?".

That's when I realised that these God-given instincts of procreation will lead to ultimate discomfort when they are suppressed and not fulfilled in the way that Islam taught us.

All these thoughts kept flooding back to me - what was I thinking before? That I could live without a wife forever? Was I crazy?? I think I was! Whenever I saw my friends who were married, it made me slightly jealous - they had companionship and it was something that I longed for before. And it's something that I have a new-found appreciation for now.

No way, I knew I couldn't give up on searching for a wife. I had to up the ante on my search. Start thinking outside of the box on how to get a wife. Start going places where I could meet people. Spread the word to everyone and get them to help me.

But the biggest thing I learned? Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't rely on just one person to find you someone. You've gotta pull all the stops. Ask for favours. Reconnect with your old friends and ask them to help you find a partner. I started to make friends with the wives of my friends. I started to let them see how much of a good character I was so that when they speak to their friends, they would remember me whenever a single girl's name would pop up in conversation.

And this is how I managed to get into contact with my fiancée. She is a friend of a friend of a friend.

Don't give up. Your soul mate is there, somewhere, inshaAllah. It may seem easy to give up, but why give up when the rewards of getting married are so sweet? And when the hikmah behind marriage is so great? And when the challenges after marriage develops you to such a great degree that it prepares you for death more than any other action?

In a way, I am glad that I learnt how to cook and clean. Not because I plan to be a house-husband in future, but my fiancée was seriously impressed with the fact that I can cook, clean, iron and am good with children! In my quest to become single and independent, I became adorable in the eyes of my fiancée. Yay! In fact, she kept telling everyone how I loved to cook!

So boys, I recommend that you do the same. You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Skills don't come easily. But if you start now, your skills will, inshaAllah, improve and your passion for these skills will be turn-ons for your future wife rather than turn-offs! What do you think, sisters? Do you agree?

Party Over At Geetar Hiro's!!!

My fellow contributor Geetar Hiro has been lazy. Veeeeeeeeery lazy. Why?

Because he's engaged!!!!  

I met up with him recently and words cannot describe how happy I am for him! You cheeky munky! :D

His wedding is going to be somewhere warm, a few thousand miles away in fact. I hope I can make it as the best man ^.^

I pray that Allah brings him and his wife a lifetime of happiness! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I can't believe my baby is all grown up! (Even though he's older than me haha)

We really will do what we can

I'm harsh on myself. Very harsh. I learn from constantly criticising my actions. A Muslim can never be content with his deeds. There comes a time where one can't blame himself for another persons incompetence.

You are a beautiful sister. You cover elegantly. You are modest. You leave the house to please Allah.

A sincere muslim male will go as far as his deen allows him. But why do the women give up?

Why do they posses such low self-esteem?
Why must they feel they're not good enough or worthy for you?
You're worthy enough to worship Allah yet you say you're not good enough for me?
Why must you give up so easily without persuading your parents?

You can do so much better than me.
You don't quite realise how many sisters like you.
I think you're too intelligent for me.
I don't think I can give you what you want.

I keep hearing this? Maybe so. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

Guess what? Good things come to those who wait. When you look into that persons eyes and shy away thinking that 'You know what? I could have gone that extra mile' Then, why didn't you?

Hell will be full of people for whom tomorrow never came. Don't be amongst them.

I haven't given up on you yet :-)

An amazing prospect she was

 

  

"And We created everything in pairs that perhaps you might take heed." [Qur'an 51:49]

Allah (swt) has a brilliant sense of a humour. Subhan'Allah just reflecting back, he really does test the believer in ways that we can look back and smile. I love you Allah. You are my sustainer and master of the universe. I bear witness there is none worthy of worship except you.

A number of months back I had a number of potentials available. It was a very busy time at uni along with with Islamic commitments. I turned to istikharaa and it lead me down this route. A route of meeting a very precious diamond.

A quick background; her parents were of a very academic background, daddy's only baby girl, very pious and the most intelligent woman I've had the pleasure of engaging with. A year younger than me.

From the very start we set the precedence of informing our parents so they were completely aware of our intentions and communication. All halal. Things moved fast. Really fast. This girl really tested me. Lets just say I've never answered so many questions in my life. Think hundreds of questions. I was very impressed. Alhamdulillah. Things were going extremely well. We hit a few hurdles but I'm firm believer in where there is a will there's always a way.

We came extremely far in such a short period of time. There were a number of people on the ground whom we referred to for istisha'raa (consultation of those we trust). We both gained extremely positive/pious references. Every aspect for marriage checked out. Personalities/Piety/Backgrounds etc

She was extremely tight knit with her parents which I really admired and respected. However, this meant her decisions were heavily influenced by her parents.

Long story short her father said it probably wasn't a good idea in us getting married. He felt our families wouldn't be compatible. Fine, I accept that but I didn't even get the opportunity to meet with them in person nor did they mine.

Me being me, I always try to the best of my abilities. I wrote the father a letter and I addressed his concerns but it seems like there was no basis for his decision. He told me his references checked out that; I was a very decent, mature and pious guy and they heard good of my father. He also thanked me on his and his wife's behalf for treating their daughter with the utmost respect. He said she held me in very high esteem. This left me extremely confused.

From what I understood, his basis for his decision was that his reference suggested that our families were very different. Okay fair enough but at least see for yourself if that is the case? Is diffierent bad? What is different? I still genuinely don't understand but sometimes we just have to accept certain circumstances. I still wasn't dismissed per se but we both needed closure. She said she was very sad to learn people tried to sabotage this this potential marriage by stirring up a number of issues. I got a good jist of the issue as a number concerns came my way. Alhamdulillah, she saw past all that. Ah - we live in a very sad state of affairs in this ummah.We decided to get closure and let it be. We left things on an extremely respectable note. She held me in a very, very high regard and vice versa.

This was 3 weeks ago. I went through that very difficult phase of reprogramming myself and my emotions.

I had never seen her in real life although she had seen me. Earlier this week at an Islamic event, I was walking and I noticed someone looking over at me. It was her. Wow. Subhaan'Allah. Such a beautiful, elegant and modest woman. Now - I really understand when all my references came back telling me that 'I must tie this camel'. When you put the most amazing personality to that face in person it really does make it that wee bit more difficult! That look she gave me . . . hurt. My heart and feelings have been at discomfort since.

Jummah morning I woke up got ready and on my way out I just saw my mother. I hugged her and briefly told her. She suggested that I should get in contact with her again and allow my mother to speak to her so she may communicate with her parents.

I strongly believe that when a chapter is closed it should stay closed. Sometimes its better to let go. Or is it?

I'm extremely blessed to have some amazing brothers whom that I can console in and receive advice, especially in such circumstances.

Allahu Allam. There is someone else but I now need to contemplate. Don't be sad and the Qur'an - you are my saviour.

I pray that Allah makes it easier.

Dangers Of Falling In Love

A reader dropped me a line seeking some advice on how to deal with falling in love and mending a broken heart. The following entries are dedicated to them and those who are facing these difficulties.

 

 It does indeed under the right circumstances. 

As practising Muslims in the west, many of us haven't been close to people of the opposite gender. So we have no idea what it feels like to fall for someone properly. There's the teenage crush stage and then there's the "oh my . . she could actually be my wife!". When one begins to pursue a potential spouse sometimes we get that that stage of feeling too close, too soon. You know what I'm talking about . .  that weird feeling of butterfly's in your stomach and not forgetting the cheesy grin.

It's perfectly normal to have these feelings. Allah (swt) put this instinct inside all of us. However, Allah (swt) also told us how to regulate and deal with these feelings appropriately 

The Danger

It's all fine and dandy whilst things are well, til the two suitors hit a hurdle. We begin to become really excited when we hit a number of strikes on the spot.

Personality - Check. Deen - Check. Sense of humour - Check. Mutual attraction - Check. Way of thinking - Cheeeeeck! Cha-chingggg! I'm in love <3.

Parents - They refuse to accept this family due to [...] reason.

Here's the dilemma. There are issues beyond our control on either side such as; parents who refuse to accept a spouse who isn't of the same colour/race/caste.

Each situation must be judged according to its own circumstances. Sometimes we have to drop the most ideal suitor due to issues beyond our control. When this happens,  you feel like you're unable to move on with your life. It becomes a daunting prospect. 

You feel a sense of failure, hopelessness and resentment. Failure because you thought you would both make a great item but due to one of the issues things just can't move forward. The whole 'all guys are losers' or 'all women are heartless', 'I failed once and I will always fail'. Hopelessness that you may never be able to fall for someone again. You feel it's not worth the heartache. Resentment because of issues outside of your control. Say your parents did not approve, you will possess some kind of resentment for their decisions.

Don't Become A Victim

The easiest way out of this dilemma is to avoid being in that position in the first place.

When you feel you're becoming more emotional than rational. Take some time out in communicating with the potential suitor. This is perfectly acceptable. Come to an agreement with the person you're communicating with, in order to take time out in order to 'reset' yourself.

You know yourself better than anyone. Experiment. See what works for you. I personally find lying down and contemplating, works for me. Read some Qur'an/Material relevant to your circumstances.

Be one step ahead. Know your boundaries. Keep it formal. Make sure you set the precedence when you begin the initial stage of getting to know someone. Understand that Allah (swt) has preordained your partner. If it is meant to be no one can change that. You must just go out seek your spouse to the best of your ability. Put up a good battle and know that you tried to tie the camel to the best of your ability.

If it doesn't work out, it is usually for the best; even though we may not be able to accept that at the time. 

Control your feelings before they get the better of you; only to send you down that emotional rollercoaster of pain. 

Disappearing act update

First of all, apologies to my readers. I'd like to thank those whom emailed me to check the status of my welfare :)

So much has happened over the past couple of months. I've been ridiculously busy and been working hard with dawah, university amongst other commitments.

I've picked up so much knowledge on the arena of marriage. It's such a hot topic at uni and it's really interesting hearing individual accounts on their journey to marriage. Attended a really interesting marriage conference and I made a horde of notes ^.^

I'm currently in the process of looking into a potential and alhamdulillah, things appear good. Extremely intelligent and pious. Personalities and Islamic concepts match. I can't really talk too much about it at at this moment in time. But please keep me in your duas Insha'Allah!

The bad news is, the next few months of blogging will be fairly slow but Insha'Allah I'll try my best to keep up the quality of content.