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Saturday, 30 January 2010

Dangers Of Falling In Love

A reader dropped me a line seeking some advice on how to deal with falling in love and mending a broken heart. The following entries are dedicated to them and those who are facing these difficulties.


 
 It does indeed under the right circumstances. 


As practising Muslims in the west, many of us haven't been close to people of the opposite gender. So we have no idea what it feels like to fall for someone properly. There's the teenage crush stage and then there's the "oh my . . she could actually be my wife!". When one begins to pursue a potential spouse sometimes we get that that stage of feeling too close, too soon. You know what I'm talking about . .  that weird feeling of butterfly's in your stomach and not forgetting the cheesy grin.

It's perfectly normal to have these feelings. Allah (swt) put this instinct inside all of us. However, Allah (swt) also told us how to regulate and deal with these feelings appropriately 

The Danger
It's all fine and dandy whilst things are well, til the two suitors hit a hurdle. We begin to become really excited when we hit a number of strikes on the spot.

Personality - Check. Deen - Check. Sense of humour - Check. Mutual attraction - Check. Way of thinking - Cheeeeeck! Cha-chingggg! I'm in love <3.

Parents - They refuse to accept this family due to [...] reason.

Here's the dilemma. There are issues beyond our control on either side such as; parents who refuse to accept a spouse who isn't of the same colour/race/caste.

Each situation must be judged according to its own circumstances. Sometimes we have to drop the most ideal suitor due to issues beyond our control. When this happens,  you feel like you're unable to move on with your life. It becomes a daunting prospect. 

You feel a sense of failure, hopelessness and resentment. Failure because you thought you would both make a great item but due to one of the issues things just can't move forward. The whole 'all guys are losers' or 'all women are heartless', 'I failed once and I will always fail'. Hopelessness that you may never be able to fall for someone again. You feel it's not worth the heartache. Resentment because of issues outside of your control. Say your parents did not approve, you will possess some kind of resentment for their decisions.

Don't Become A Victim
The easiest way out of this dilemma is to avoid being in that position in the first place.

When you feel you're becoming more emotional than rational. Take some time out in communicating with the potential suitor. This is perfectly acceptable. Come to an agreement with the person you're communicating with, in order to take time out in order to 'reset' yourself.

You know yourself better than anyone. Experiment. See what works for you. I personally find lying down and contemplating, works for me. Read some Qur'an/Material relevant to your circumstances.

Be one step ahead. Know your boundaries. Keep it formal. Make sure you set the precedence when you begin the initial stage of getting to know someone. Understand that Allah (swt) has preordained your partner. If it is meant to be no one can change that. You must just go out seek your spouse to the best of your ability. Put up a good battle and know that you tried to tie the camel to the best of your ability.

If it doesn't work out, it is usually for the best; even though we may not be able to accept that at the time. 

Control your feelings before they get the better of you; only to send you down that emotional rollercoaster of pain. 

9 comments:

  1. Salam,
    Good post. I don't think it's wise to fall in love until you're married, if you can avoid it. Like, for whatever reason, if you can't or don't get married, like, if your parents don't agree, or if you find out the other person isn't really the kind of pious person you thought they were, you could get depressed really easily. Best not to fall in love, in my opinion, until you're absolutely sure this is the one, based on every other criteria that is important to you.

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  2. I speak from experience when I say you don't chose who you fall in love with or when you fall in love with them. However, I will say that the one way to prevent falling in love from happening prematurely is to keep it formal when getting to know the individual. That isn't to say that your meetings with this brother/sister should be stiff and boring. I read on someone's blog that if what you are going to say can be said in front of the girl's father without warranting a negative reaction then its probably safe thing to say. However, if it will get some sort of negative reaction from her father (if you imagine him present)..you should probably keep your mouth shut.

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  3. hijaabified.beauty -

    I agree with you to an extent when you say we don't choose who you fall in love with or when. But I think it depends. Like, I think people fall in love with people who have characteristics that they value. Like, if a person values beauty, or charm, or whatever, then they will fall in love with people who have those characteristics. but if they truly value things like modesty, and lowering of the gaze, and humility, and stuff like that, then they will fall in love with people who show those traits. If someone doesn't show those traits, or shows traits that you think are repulsive or immoral, then they won't fall in love with them, so I think you can control who you fall in love with to that extent.
    Of course, a person can get fooled, and assume things about a person later to find out maybe they aren't so modest, or whatever. I think problems occur when people assume characteristics about another person without really knowing anything about them past the surface.

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  4. I love this post. You make a lot of sense. =)

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  5. Another thing is - once you know this is the one, and you have all these emotions, it's difficult to hold back...but you have to, because it's not right to tell the person all these things until you're married.

    So, what you can do is write them a letter - totally uncensored, saying everything you feel and all you want to say at that moment. BUT - keep the letter with you; and give it to them after the nikah.

    That way, you get to express your feelings in a safe way - so it's a release for you; and it's also something that they may appreciate once you're officially married :)

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  6. MashaAllah, lovely post. One way a person can make sure the proposal will not be rejected by parents is by asking them about the potential match during the initial phase so that they know you are communicating with them and you get an idea of where they stand on several matters. It's better to know early in the conversation than later if your parents will be dead set against it.

    Secondly, the moment you feel some attraction towards a potential spouse you should go ahead and involve your parents, family members and take matters to the next stage. When you really like someone then it's hard to keep feelings out of it but by including your parents you can try to keep it as halal as possible. Once you are sure about the person, fix the wedding date! :)

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  7. y - I agree with both posts but how can you be sure? Those I've pursued I've always been sure about, does mean its okay to fall in love prematurely? It quite dangerous to assume things will go a certain way, After all Allah is indeed the best of planners.

    hijaabified - Love is confusing. Don't confuse love with lust. No doubt feelings start developing when looking into a suitable spouse. We've both suggested formality and setting the Islamic precedence is definitely the way forward in minimising going down that route and it allows for us to come out of that dark hole should things go wrong.

    Dreamlife - I like that, excellent suggestion! :)

    S4N - Wise post. It's very important to get the important details first before pursuing. It's important to set the foundations the halaal way. It will after all be the way you bring up a family ;)

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  8. thanks for this post :D helps alot :D

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  9. I was looking for Advise on breaking up and found this great site www.saveabreakup.com I gotta admit its great and it worked for me and helped me a lot.

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