That Feeling

That feeling when you feel like you're weak. After being so strong.
That feeling when everything is really good. It turns sour. 
That feeling when you prepare for hardship. It comes. You laugh at it IN THE FACE. Then it comes with something minor and you lose.

I'm frustrated. I want to explain. I will. The next 3 nights will be on their way. I've been busy. I've travelled so much, I'm tired physically and exhausted mentally. I'll post when I get the time to. 

I haven't rested over the weekend. My body is pain. Sore throat. I need to be up in 3 hours for fajr and work a contracted job all day for the whole week. My brain needs to be in tip top condition for my field. It isn't. Bleh.

Shaitaan is having a field day with my mind. I'm disappointed with myself. After all that I've been through. I should be so much stronger. In this self-reflection stage. I lost some beautiful qualities I had. I need to sort it. I need to sort me. ASAP.

Human. Feeble creature I am.

I will be occupied this week. This is good.
I will be training hard this week. Keep my mind off things.
I will meet more company this week. I need to loosen up. Can't let that smile go away.
I will turn my situation around. I'm confident. Or deal with it. A conclusion.
Tafsir classes every night this week. Understanding Allah. Ward off waswasa (whispers of Shaitaan).
I'm cleaning up my diet again. Enforce routine and habits.

Pain. I remember you. Go away. That is all.

Allah. I've never lost faith. EVER.

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Fourth Night Of The Decision

I recently bought a new phone. Whenever I buy a phone, it's usually a top end phone. Something that will last me years. Good craftmanship. Good vendor. Good developer community for the software/apps, so on and so forth. It takes me a while to make an informed decision. I have to gather facts and information to ensure I'm making a good decison. The right decision. It took me 7 weeks to get the phone I wanted, with the best deal to suit my needs. That's me. And I have issues. Hi :-/

Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.

I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.

Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.

Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.

There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.

I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.

Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.

I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(

I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes. 

To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.

Night four of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.

Third Night Of The Decision

Last week it was the first time I had been angry for a very long time. I'm always cool. But someone's irresponsible behaviour pressed my buttons for a few hours. It was late, I was tired and my tolerance was low. I was getting ready for bed. She wanted to speak about something. It was then we had our very first argument.

It was heated. It was late. We didn't understand each other. She said something she didn't mean. Stuff like this sets the precedent. so we talked about it the next day and we both came the conclusion that we both messed up. Kinda cute. Lol.

Note to self: Never talk important stuff at night. 

After the argument she started questioning if she was even ready for marriage stemming on from a question I asked her. Then another silly conversation took place. She said a lot of silly things.

The next morning I found the following message..

"I've been making lots of dua and I will continue to do so. Soulseek, the magnitude of my reaction was only due to the fact that I have never come this close to something so good. I know we would be right for each other in my head. I know I would make you happy, this has only made me respect you more. Lets both reconsider and make dua with this in mind. I really feel lucky that you have this much patience with me. I'm not this melodramatic often but I can imagine how that made you cautious. The last thing I want to do is lose such an amazing opportunity because of how I was feeling temporarily."

When I was gaining a reference on her, I spoke to her best friend. She has to be one of the most straight down, ghetto sisters I've come across. She was gangster. I remember her opening line when I spoke to her "Brother, I'm going to be very straight up with you. Yes, she is my best friend but I have an Islamic obligation to answer any queries you have without much bias, if I'm able to do so. So shoot."

One thing her friend said to me that struck a chord. "Brother, I know it's none of my business and I don't know you but I just want to say continue doing whatever you are. I've seen mature traits in her that I've never seen in her before. In front of the girls when we talk about the guys she always used to talk. About you? We've heard nothing. I'm her best friend and she told me nothing. I think this is a testament to the kind of brother she's in talks with. Keep it up. I'd really like to meet you someday if it works out insha'Allah."

Night Three
I managed to speak to her. I told her about my reservations. She explained straight away why I had them. I don't think I gave this girl quite enough credit for her intelligence. She's a smart cookie. I've brought a couple of problems to her and I like her style. She uses a lot of references with my jokes. I can see her trying. Even with things she's not interested in. She listens. Then again, women do far out talk men, so I keep an open ear. You pick up a lot about a person by just listening. I've heard her laugh. I've heard her make (cheap) jokes. I've heard her rant. I've heard her offer solutions. I've heard talk about how she made that cheesecake.

I've learnt a lot.

I've been thinking about both possibilities of this working out and not working out. I remember she once said to me in a general conversation that "You don't appreciate what you have, until you lose it." She's right. I think I would miss her. She's quite special.

This is why after this period. Once I'm certain. She's may find out how special she is. If it works out.

Night three of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Positive. Yet undecided. 

Second Night Of The Decision

I've been thinking about this all day.

I don't know why but I feel weird. It's not a positive weird either. I think I need to speak to her.

Night two of Istikhara. Done.

Status: Confused.

First Night Of The Decision

The first potential ever to make it to my house took place on Sunday afternoon. We've had a number of meets but it was the first one that SoulSeek's family got to invite and consider.

Everyone was around. Majority of my siblings, my sister in law, nieces. Lots of nice food was prepared. Bukhoor was lit and could be smelt everywhere. The house was very clean. Even my bedroom was picture perfect.

I know I have a lot of gaps to fill and I promise I will. I've wrote up posts but I'll drop them at a later date.

Brief Summary. Considered a sister I didn't want to. My mind was set on someone else. However, I was persuaded to check this girl out. I like a quick challenge. Thought I would give it a try, filter a quick application. Got to know her. She turns out to be much better than I imagined. I became a bit fishy, it felt too easy. No pain or discomfort like usual. Lots of chemistry. We have a few meets with my sister. I grow to really like the girl. Just looking at the girl I can see feels the same way. Things progress quickly and family's meet. Girl gets hit by reality "OMG, I'm going to be leaving my life. This is scary." She wants to rethink this very important decision. I have a few doubts of my own to deal with. I suggest we do istikharaa for 7 nights.

The format. I will be writing a post every day, for the next 7 days. I'm currently on a break from communicating with my potential spouse. We both want to spend this time with ourselves and Allah to make sure we're making the right decision.

Here's a log of me doing that.

Night One
I don't have to worry about me as a person. She adores me. Her family really likes me. I tick all her criterias plus more. They think have I have really good akhlaq, deen, personality, way of thinking, full of hobbies and interests and a good family. Educated with high aspirations. "Good looking and athletic". Respectful. Has a mind of his own. Full of leadership qualities. Their words. Her parents had given me permission to communicate.

On her part. She's reconsidering to see if she's actually ready for marriage. Nerves have hit her. It's cool. She's leaving her life to join mine. It's hard. Being an emotional creature too. This isn't about me. It's about her.


On my part. Hah, I'm SoulSeek and I can and analyse a situation all day long. But lets take things at face value. A few doubts popped up on my end.

She's attractive but I have reservations if I'm really attracted to her. I am but sometimes that changes. My mother and sisters liked her but they felt I could do so much better in that department (of looks) given what had now become 11 potential prospects. I turned the volume down to ask how I feel. After all, family would always say that.

She is *that kind of woman*. Her nafsiyya and inclination towards islam is pretty much similar to mine. That's that sorted. I want to strip a few things  from her. Lets take away her deen and looks. I want to view her as a person with just a personality. 

She has a good, kind heart. She's scared to say no in order to please people.Whilst she has a number of deadlines, she's been doing work for other people. I like and dislike this at the same time. She teaches children Qur'an and Arabic. She wants to give back to the community. I really like that. I believe we all have an obligation. For every chav or messed up muslim youth out there. There's a responsibility. What did we do to help that individual? 

She's cute. A number of adorable qualities. She strikes me as a person that would do things to please me. When we went to their house, the night before I said I'd like a Strawberry Cheesecake. And that's what I got. Handmade. "With extra love."

She was raised as an only child. Had a few events unfold in her life. She needs attention. I've found her to be quite clingy.

Weird sense of humour. I get her humour which she finds rare but she's gonna have to keep up with mine. We do make each other laugh. Her jokes are so lame at times, I do find it funny.

Emotional. At my house, we were in my second living room. Her mother was present whilst mine went to make wudu for Salah. Whilst we were talking, I noticed her eyes watering up and tears starting to come down. "Heeey, what's up?" I said. "I don't know why I feel confused, just feel really weird." Gosh, what am I supposed to think? Her mother noticed this too and gave a "I'm going to have words with you" kind of look. She told me the night before because of her relationship with her mother, she's really scared of leaving her. Just an outburst of "this is very real."

Night one of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Undecided.

That Kind Of Woman

My image of the kind of woman I think I may end up sometimes changes quite radically. The kind of girl that fits the image.

Here's my most recent picture:

Waking up to her smile. The long days are worth it.

She can take a diss/joke and throw it back. She makes me laugh.

A girl that is competitive with the right kind of attitude. She wants to outpace me on the beach and beat me.

The kind, that when it's snowing, she would be up for going for a walk and have a snow fight. Even kick my ass.

The type that appreciates and acknowledges that I understand how much she's done for me. I want her to go and relax whilst I prepare dinner. Boy has she got an appetite. I like a girl that knows her food.

When the going gets tough, she knows that regardless of how different our views are, we'll succeed. Understands her position and responsibility as a woman and mine as a man. Respect.

Someone that can just sit and chill anywhere without complaining. You know, like your best mates. Companionship. Homie.

After a long day at work, she's the one thing you look forward to the most. My girl.

My wife.