Man Of The House

A wonderful article written by Yusef Ramelize

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"I’ve had many humbling experiences in my life, including voluntarily going homeless for one week every year as part of an awareness-raising project. But my most humbling experience so far has been being unemployed.

Since I left my job in October, I went from being the man-of-the-house to the man-in-the-house. My new househusband role begins at 6:45 am when I wake up to make and pack my wife’s lunch. By 7:15 am, I’ve also ironed her clothes. At 7:30 am, I’m warming up the car to drop her off at the train station fifteen minutes later

After that, phase two begins. I make sure the house is clean, the laundry is done and dinner is made while also searching and applying for jobs. It sounds easy enough, right? Let me tell you, it’s one of the most difficult jobs I’ve ever done and I’m still trying to get it 100% right. I have a new respect for women and men who take on the role of homemaker. And, I can only imagine the work it takes to be a stay-at-home parent.

I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot from these experiences over the past couple of months. One of the most important lessons – one that will impact me for the rest of my life – is an even deeper appreciation of the amazing woman and partner I have by my side. God answered my prayers by sending me a supportive, understanding and compassionate wife.

In almost twenty years in the workforce, I have never been unemployed. But now, I’ve had ten weeks of rejection letters, and job searches that stretch late into the night, and begin again early the next morning. I send out five to ten personalized applications daily. Each day I try to enjoy being unemployed, but it stresses me out not having a job. Sometimes I feel depressed and sad, like I’m holding on by a thread. My silver lining each day is when my wife comes home. She always knows how to be my sunshine and joy.

My wife helps me with job searches far into the night, listens to my frustration, and even surprises me with little gifts to uplift me after her own long days at work. Above all, she never makes me feel as if I am less of a man for not having a job outside of the home.

One day, after receiving four rejection letters, I was ready to give up. My wife Samira walked in from work to see me tense with frustration and near tears. I was close to breaking down after all the unsuccessful preparation, interviews and repeatedly dashed hopes.

I looked into her eyes and she gazed back into mine and, leaning forward to hug me, whispered into my ear, “Yusef, all of these rejection letters and all of these unsuccessful interviews are just preparation for when you find the right job and meet the right people who see the value in having an employee as talented and passionate as you are.”

Before Samira and I got married, I had a long list of qualities I wanted in my future spouse, including someone who loves to smile, is kind-hearted and supportive. These sounded good on paper but I didn’t realize how important they were in action. Now, I see and learn from those traits, as embodied by my wife, every single day. I now have first-hand experience of what it feels like to be with someone who truly supports and helps me in becoming the best person I can be.

A few weeks after Samira whispered those encouraging words into my ear, after months of rejection, I had a successful interview and was offered a position working at an amazing company with a good group of people. There’s a saying that you see someone’s true colors during hardship. I’m fortunate that I experienced the hardship of unemployment because it helped me realize that my wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

To My Dear Brothers In This Struggle

You know when you're in University and you see them beatufiul women and you cannot look at them. They come up to you and ask you "Hey, did receive that email last nights regarding homework?" you must look down and keep it short.

You go for coffee at Lunch and the waitress smiles at you, you remember to lower your gaze again.

Whenever you go into a lift, you cannot make small talk. If there's a beautiful women you decide to give it a miss for the next one. 

At your work place, your colleague always comes to you, she even flirts with. You keep your distance even though nobody will find out. You seem socially awkward although you're socially awesome and funny.

When you're invited out by peers or colleagues, you don't give into pressure because Sarah or Lucy approach you and tell you "Aisha'a Muslim and she's going, she even wears a headscarf!" you still decline.

When you go to Islamic Society and see sisters with hijaab, you find them even more beautiful, a huge fitna but "naa man I cannot look, astaghfirullah... nah man I cannot look! Allah has promised me he has better plans for me. Why is this killing me so much? Oh Allah you've promise, you've promised, you've promised! I'm not gonna look." 

Our religion is so heavy on shame, more than any religion and the interactions between opposite genders and it puts so much restriction on men more than any other way of life. Young men living in this society is fire and fuel. Butter left on a hot day, and you're expecting it not not to melt.

By Allah, I feel your pain. More than any other pain. And the only thing you're left to say is that "Allah has better for me."

In a society where marriage is immensely difficult. You still keep your shame, you still keep your gaze low even though you're surrounded by shamelessness.

If you keep Allah's promise, you guard your eyes, you don't make small talk, you don't go on filthy sites and you don't flirt and you guard yourself, you guard yourself and you guard yourself. Allah has your back bruv'. Believe.

هَلۡ جَزَآءُ ٱلۡإِحۡسَـٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلۡإِحۡسَـٰنُ

Ar-Rahman V60

If you did excellence for Allah in this world why wouldn't he do excellence for you in the hereafter?

Allah's know's of that fire raging inside of you. All them whispers and opportunity of Zina, Allah knows it all. Allah knows of all them sleepless nights, every single night that you woke up because of your uncontrollable instincts that you've held back.

You controlled yourself, so go ahead have everything you fantasized about. Everything you held yourself back for, have it. Allah is going to compensate you, heavily. With a return far greater than you ever expected.

I feel you man, I feel you but hear me out. We're going to get through this.

Do You Even Lift?

Why are the majority of our ulema, brothers, shuyookh, sisters overweight? Too many somosa chaat's I think. I don't blame them, they're bloody nice.

The messenger of Allah (saw) fought all the battles over 40 years old. He participated in at least 17 major battles. Carrying thick, heavy armour in scorching heat of around 40 degrees, up and down mountains, fighting with the sahabah's.

Imagine at the battle of badr; Rasoolallah (saw), Hamza ibn abd al-mutallib, Ali ibn abi talib, Umar ibn al-khattab on the front line as the commanders of their divisions. Can you imagine a side shot of them lining up. I for one certainly don't see them with bellies spilling over.

If we don't look after the amaanah that Allah has entrusted us with, we will become lazy and fall sooner than we should. We will breed a generation of inactive, couch lovin' children.

Strength, discipline goes hand in hand with imaan and taqwa. These are the qualities of all our prophets.

The majority of sisters I've pursued don't look after themselves physically. Why?! The majority of cities have female only gyms. Many use it as an excuse that they don't have one near them. You can exercise at home and simply watch what you eat. Some are gifted with attractive and slender bodies but that's not an excuse not to make an active effort in keeping fit. It's not just about the appearance.

Please don't comment with it's in your heart bakwaas. This needs to stop. And it starts with us.

Training builds discipline and discipline is what we should all strive for.

What do you do to keep fit? Are you in the process of making any changes or have you made any changes?

Post Surah Ar-Rahman

Incredible.

I had an opportunity to speak to brother Nouman and I have nothing but love and duas for this dear brother. I asked him a question, he looked at me and he smiled. "I'm going to answer your question, bear with me." 2 hours later towards the end of Surah Ar-Rahman Nouman looked at me and spent 10 minutes answering my question.

Allah was talking to me. He showed me in infinite ways that he is Ar-Rahman. The most glorious, who needs no praise from any creation.

I guess I always did have the tools to achieve my goals but the master piece, the final push it was always there. I just never caught it.

It was all about baraka. Goodness with a greater return than expected. What name is injected with baraka?

Ar-Rahman.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

That's all I ever needed. To truly understand it.

Surah Ar-Rahman Tafsir - NAK @ Birmingham 29th Dec 2012

Surah Ar-Rahman is one of my favourite Surah's in the qur'an. It's stonkingly good! I have a beautiful memory of Sheikh Salah-Al Budair killing it for Fajr in Madinah Aug '10.

For the good times..

Nouman Ali Khan is coming the UK and he'll be covering it (albeit a succinct 5 hours). http://bayyinah.com/studentcenter/ to enroll.

I'll be the fine looking desi guy at the front.

Catch you there!

The Aftermath

In light of the half glass full approach, I thought I'd share something.

Remember I went for Umrah 2 years ago for 6 weeks? The old folks I was looking after? I'm not sure what exactly happened but I had some shoulder pain whilst I was there. Upon returning, I got back in to serious competitive sports. Cleaning and pressing over 110KG at a light bodyweight, it reopened an injury. I stopped serious shoulder training and I visited the doctors. I was fobbed off several times. I got an x-ray some months back and it turns out I cracked my ACJ and I was showing signs of Acromioclavicular Joint Arthritis.

I spoke with the consultant it sounded a lot scarier than I thought it was. The way she put it across was that it's degenerative, so it could get worse if I don't opt for surgery.

I returned to work after my father's death  and after about 5 weeks in Mid- October, I opted for surgery. The surgery involved in excision (shaving) of the cracked bone. It ended up being a lot more painful than I imagined. I was bed bound for 2 weeks and forced off work/life for 5 weeks.

I returned to work on Monday a few weeks back. On Wednesday, I was informed that I would have the good 'ol return to work procedure. Before being called in, whilst  walking to the glass board room, I noticed the MD was sitting in. Odd.

The MD is also a full time politician for Labour, he has a nack with putting things across, as politicians do. Urgh.

I walked in and took a seat. "Right, there's no easy way to say this any other way but I'll just say it.. You will no longer be working with us." There was a part in of me waiting for him to say "ta-dahhh" I'm strange like that.

 There was nothing to suggest anything like that would happen. I have a quality track record. No redundancy, nada, nothing, finito.

"Do you have any questions?" he asked. I responded with "nope".

"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through recently but I can assure you that you will have excellent references. You're very talented and you will do very well" He said.

My supervisor stepped in "do you need some time to let things sink in?" "I'm fine, when do I finish?" I asked. We talked and I agreed to finish on Friday. "How would you like to inform everyone?" The MD asked. "Call them here." I said.

He explained to everyone that things weren't going great and they were downsizing but because of my developments they would want me in as soon as their financial situation changed as the company needed to focus on other things. No one had anything to say other than looks of sorrow.

I don't think he was honest with me.

But half glass full. Na'am? 

Half Glass Full

Right, so we have this expression for optimism (half full) and pessimism (half empty).

I think Muslims have a real positivity problem. Actually not just Muslims but humans in general. Even when we're perfectly good we're so used to saying we're 'not bad' or 'could be better'. Ya'ani, what's going on? Heck, even I am embarrassed at myself for being so grumpy most of the time despite the fact that I rarely feel pessimistic and certainly have very few confidence issues. I try my best to be positive because surely happiness, a smile and giving positive vibes is something which is seen and expressed and transmitted to those around you in your manner and character and speech. It's Sunnah to smile for a reason folks.

Allah tells us in the qur'an that he wants us to be 'half-glass full' kinda folks. I was scrawling though my tafsir notes and this has been on my mind lately.

I love the versatility of the Qur'an, the lessons and understanding are purely limited by insaan. Let's take a look at this ayah:

"Remember (O Prophet (saw)) when Allah made you see them in your sleep as few: if He had shown them to you all as many, you would certainly have lost heart and argued about it, but Allah saved you." [8:45]

Okay lets put aside the specific reasons of revelation aside for a moment, which in Al-Anfal (spoils of war) this ayah happens to be about the battle of badr and being seriously out numbered by the mushriks. Lets read into the understanding behind the words. The message is: 'Listen up, these dudes have a serious army coming your way. So bloody what?! They ain't nothing compared to you guys. Go for it and don't look back!'

Allah explains in the verse is that if He had shown all the believers the true numbers and strength of the enemy, they would have started to doubt themselves and get anxious, nervous, and be divided. If you look at half a glass of water and think of nothing but what you've missed out on, you'll achieve nothing but misery and be wasting your time. But if you see opportunity, hope and happiness in whatever is in front of you, be it a half a glass of water or just a difficult, what seems irretrievable situation, then your positivity will bring you results that you can never have imagined.

There so much negative vibes in the air and around but it's not hard to see why - We're surrounded by negativity 24/7: Poverty, war, hijaab banned, war, OMG don't let the American shooter be a Muslim, poverty, dude just killed his daughter for marrying outside caste, war, terrorism, OMG he's that 'kind' of muslim, haraam police, ramadhaan and eid moon fitnah, beard police, war, famine etc.

The prophet (saw) was an incredibly positive man. Y'all know what happened in ta'if. At times when the sahabah's saw things as 'half-glass empty' the prophet remained to see it as 'half-glass full'. He saw opportunity when others saw disaster. History bears witness to how the prophet's positivity has changed the world forever. Me, you.. Makkah we're all a part of that. Epic legacy.

In life, when the odds seem insanely stacked up against you - You're in control. Leaders are created under these circumstances. Going back to my father's death, when everyone thought this was it, I made the challenge manageable in their eyes even though I was struggling myself. We've gotta make the mountain ahead just a series of small paths and slopes. Make those under feel bigger and better than they are, then the chances are that your people will surprise you and surprise themselves as well. This is what the prophet did and he is the best of examples.

Listen up, you know how Allah made the enemy look few? The believers went and smashed it. They destroyed hardship. When you're put up with an insane bunch of problems - go and smash that badboy 'cause you have Allah on your side.

He promises you that he will not burden you with what you cannot bear.