You have to give it to song-writers: they really do express the truth sometimes in remarkably effective fashion.
The issues of love, prospective partners, marriage, keeping the flame
of love burning etc have been beaten to death by mankind since time
immemorial. Everyone has had a say on the matter and quite right too: no
human is free from the stresses, hassles and difficulties encountered
in day-to-day life and everyone will have had some brush with the
emotion of love at some time. Everyone will want to share their feelings
on the issue, and the Islamic internet forums and chat sites seem to
talk about nothing else or at least stimulate the most response from the
community at large when the topic is addressed.
So why then, after so many thousands of years of human experience
have we not solved all these problems and banished the ignorance
surrounding it? And why in particular have the Muslims not left their
baggage behind on the issue after receiving divine guidance as well? And
even more damningly, why haven’t the increasingly “practicing” crowd of
Muslims who really should know so much better, ranging from the just-started-to-practice-Islam-recently folks
to students of knowledge to the scholars themselves, set a clear
example to the rest of the community by becoming shining role-models of
how relationships should be conducted?
The answer is because this is a human problem, this is a nafs problem, and this is a love problem. No-one is going to get away with an easy ride.
I wish to offer the following words/thoughts on this subject with my
focus on the “practising” community because they should all really know
better. Those who are just Muslim by identity will fall into all sorts
of other cultural problems and barriers and will fall foul of much
ignorance and require serious help, more than just a few words in an
article, whereas I’d like to concentrate on those who clearly have a
problem controlling their desires, have errors in their thought process
and just need to be reminded really of what is expected from serious
Muslims.
One has to be quite frank in dealing with this, and say things that
will hurt people and possibly offend their feelings, yet without being
honest about the real deep-set attitudes and problems that we
specifically face as a community such as racism, sexism, apathy and
misogyny, we’ll never reach an agreeable status quo.
My biggest fear is for practising brothers seeking. Particularly for the dudes whom it has become obligatory to marry.
Where their desires are no longer just desires and they've become needs. They fear committing Zina.
Marriage
has become immensely difficult for some. It's dangerous for those whom have been looking for a while and they fear zina. Bear with me, I'm going to try and keep this short.
In Islam some say there's a logical principle in choosing the lesser of two evils based on the Qur'an and Sunnah. However, this principle is used and sometimes abused to justify choices. This principle is based on where one doesn't have a choice. So even though, it's a sin, it's the lesser of two sins. In this instance; masturbation.
Almost all of our imaams are quiet - they're busy arguing over who's going to be
the all new appointed and official tea-maker. I've travelled high and low; nobody is addressing this in any community I've visited.
I originally spent a lot of time reading and finding evidences from classical scholars to write a paper to submit. Infact, I started my original draft 4 years ago but I left it for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I am not a scholar. Secondly, I fear accountability of any kind. And finally, I believe you don't have to enter deeper fiqh to see a few issues that I will highlight.
We live in a society that promotes it's healthy to masturbate. Islamically there's a difference of opinion. Many whom have no outlet and cannot control their urges fall to porn and
masturbation. In the real world, I've come to realise it's far more common than we think it is. Many practising brothers and sisters are deeply being challenged in remaining chaste. So admirably they will do whatever it takes to avoid Zina itself. Porn and masturbation replaces that. As it's being used as this concept of the lesser evil.
There's a huge problem with this.
We know the repercussions and punishment of Zina. It's why many of us trying so hard to be amongst the muttaqin andthe sabiqun.
Whilst we see Zina as the ultimate sin, we fail to see masturbation and pornography in the same light. There's something more going on with porn and masturbation.
For someone who's trying to be a straight up obedient Muslim and they fall to Zina. It usually goes something like this: The person will either hit that point of frustration, make the intention and go for it, or they accidentally got in a situation, hit that point of no return and it happened - mistake. Either way, it was a physical and outward action. The deed was done and acknowledged. Bas.
The biggest industry in the world, bigger than all the Top 100's we know of; porn. The novelty never ends - So it caters for every kind of porn imaginably. It widely, freely and easily available.. even to hand-held devices.
If you go to Google Trends and search for some generic filth related words, you'll find the Muslim nations are amongst the highest ranked.
Regardless of whether or not porn is used; hyperstimulation is still prevalent in both circumstances.
That physical action and the person at the receiving end of zina is no longer a 2 party action. This is all you. A secret. You go for it whenever you want and as often as you want. A 1 man ting.
What does this mean?
This short video is essential viewing for understanding:
Shameless. More an animal and less of a human being
Seeing and treating women as sexual objects
Degrading women and not respecting them
Ruin your spirituality and your relationship with Allah
Premature Ejaculation
Erectile Disfunction
A life of misery, lack of fulfilment, loneliness, depression
Addiction
Anxiety
Slave to desires - Acting on impules
Sexual performance problems
Conventional sex is no longer fulfilling
Waste of time
Fatigue
'Deathgrip' - When you can no longer be fulfilled by actual sex
Emotional imbalances
Chemical imbalances
Physiological and psychological imbalances
Guilt
Just to name some. Unfortunately, I've seen one more or more of the above with young, practising Muslim men.
This is a serious problem. It is ruining our communities and future communities, It will creep up when you get married. And it's an imaan killer. Shaytaan and his homies are thriving on this right now.
Masturbation will not help you. Porn will not help you. Think of it like
fastfood. It's great whilst you're at it but terrible in the long run.
There's a massive community full of muslims and non-muslims whom have identified this disease and they're actively abstaining from porn and masturbation. The people lurking NoFap and pornfree are in the millions. It's a lot more common than we acknowledge.
For the love of all things good. Get AdBlock (Available for other browsers too) and Stylish for some awesome scripts, especially for protection on youtube.
This isn't just exclusive to dudes, the women are also going through this. These issues are part of a much wider communal issues such as homosexuality and abuse.
You've got to make an active effort in seeking help. We all need to acknowledge these issues as opposed to ignore it as one of the many taboo issues we have.
Over the last year there was an interesting time. The suitor I was pursuing, things didn't work out for a while. 4 suitors stepped up and sparked some interest in me. I talk of 4 in particular because they were whose parents I had either spoken to or gotten past the preliminary stage.
Girl #1. My sister had dragged me to a marriage event at a Masjid to be her Wali, my intention was to catch up on a few lectures on my ipod and just reflect for the day. My sister and her cheeky friend decided to sign me up. As soon as I walked in after parking up, the Imaam said "Soulseek?" I responded. "The event's started, jaldi (quickly)." You cheeky sods. They signed me up for the event.
The women severely outnumbered the men and most of their 'hijaabs' conveniently slipped off. I made really good friends with a number of organisers and brothers. Totally awkward but I did good. A lot of sister's requested to find out more about me.
The organiser approached me "Soulseek, this is unusual but a family wants to speak to you". Enter blue eyes.
Such a lovely family. I actually felt shy as I'd never been approached by a mother, daughters and the father. We talked and whilst she was so humble, it didn't work out. We were too different. #1 and #2 were the only event based suitors.
Girl #2. Good sister, had a lot of great qualities but this girl totally didn't look her age. She was interested in me. I spoke to her brother and it turns out she was almost 10 years older than me. I never minded a few years but 10 was a bit much for me.
Girl #3. A humble and laid back girl. Spanish roots = +points. She looked extremely promising but both felt quite different about the future and outlook on some issues. Enough to find we didn't have a great deal in common.
Girl #4. This was hard. I really liked this girl. Sophisticated, to the point, crazy jokes and a wonderful personality. We wanted to marry. Things moved immensely quickly. My mother vetoed it. I got angry. I agreed to let it go.
"I’ve had many humbling experiences in my life, including voluntarily
going homeless for one week every year as part of an awareness-raising
project. But my most humbling experience so far has been being
unemployed.
Since I left my job in October, I went from being the
man-of-the-house to the man-in-the-house. My new househusband role
begins at 6:45 am when I wake up to make and pack my wife’s lunch. By
7:15 am, I’ve also ironed her clothes. At 7:30 am, I’m warming up the
car to drop her off at the train station fifteen minutes later
After that, phase two begins. I make sure the house is clean, the
laundry is done and dinner is made while also searching and applying for
jobs. It sounds easy enough, right? Let me tell you, it’s one of the
most difficult jobs I’ve ever done and I’m still trying to get it
100% right. I have a new respect for women and men who take on the role
of homemaker. And, I can only imagine the work it takes to be a
stay-at-home parent.
I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot from these experiences over the
past couple of months. One of the most important lessons – one that will
impact me for the rest of my life – is an even deeper appreciation of
the amazing woman and partner I have by my side. God answered my prayers
by sending me a supportive, understanding and compassionate wife.
In almost twenty years in the workforce, I have never been
unemployed. But now, I’ve had ten weeks of rejection letters, and job
searches that stretch late into the night, and begin again early the
next morning. I send out five to ten personalized applications daily.
Each day I try to enjoy being unemployed, but it stresses me out not
having a job. Sometimes I feel depressed and sad, like I’m holding on by
a thread. My silver lining each day is when my wife comes home. She
always knows how to be my sunshine and joy.
My wife helps me with job searches far into the night, listens to my
frustration, and even surprises me with little gifts to uplift me after
her own long days at work. Above all, she never makes me feel as if I am
less of a man for not having a job outside of the home.
One day, after receiving four rejection letters, I was ready to give
up. My wife Samira walked in from work to see me tense with frustration
and near tears. I was close to breaking down after all the unsuccessful
preparation, interviews and repeatedly dashed hopes.
I looked into her eyes and she gazed back into mine and, leaning
forward to hug me, whispered into my ear, “Yusef, all of these rejection
letters and all of these unsuccessful interviews are just preparation
for when you find the right job and meet the right people who see the
value in having an employee as talented and passionate as you are.”
Before Samira and I got married, I had a long list of qualities I
wanted in my future spouse, including someone who loves to smile, is
kind-hearted and supportive. These sounded good on paper but I didn’t
realize how important they were in action. Now, I see and learn from
those traits, as embodied by my wife, every single day. I now have
first-hand experience of what it feels like to be with someone who truly
supports and helps me in becoming the best person I can be.
A few weeks after Samira whispered those encouraging words into my
ear, after months of rejection, I had a successful interview and was
offered a position working at an amazing company with a good group of
people. There’s a saying that you see someone’s true colors during
hardship. I’m fortunate that I experienced the hardship of unemployment
because it helped me realize that my wife is the best thing that has
ever happened to me."
You know when you're in University and you see them beatufiul women and you cannot look at them. They come up to you and ask you "Hey, did receive that email last nights regarding homework?" you must look down and keep it short.
You go for coffee at Lunch and the waitress smiles at you, you remember to lower your gaze again.
Whenever you go into a lift, you cannot make small talk. If there's a beautiful women you decide to give it a miss for the next one.
At your work place, your colleague always comes to you, she even flirts with. You keep your distance even though nobody will find out. You seem socially awkward although you're socially awesome and funny.
When you're invited out by peers or colleagues, you don't give into pressure because Sarah or Lucy approach you and tell you "Aisha'a Muslim and she's going, she even wears a headscarf!" you still decline.
When you go to Islamic Society and see sisters with hijaab, you find them even more beautiful, a huge fitna but "naa man I cannot look, astaghfirullah... nah man I cannot look! Allah has promised me he has better plans for me. Why is this killing me so much? Oh Allah you've promise, you've promised, you've promised! I'm not gonna look."
Our religion is so heavy on shame, more than any religion and the interactions between opposite genders and it puts so much restriction on men more than any other way of life. Young men living in this society is fire and fuel. Butter left on a hot day, and you're expecting it not not to melt.
By Allah, I feel your pain. More than any other pain. And the only thing you're left to say is that "Allah has better for me."
In a society where marriage is immensely difficult. You still keep your shame, you still keep your gaze low even though you're surrounded by shamelessness.
If you keep Allah's promise, you guard your eyes, you don't make small talk, you don't go on filthy sites and you don't flirt and you guard yourself, you guard yourself and you guard yourself. Allah has your back bruv'. Believe.
هَلۡ جَزَآءُ ٱلۡإِحۡسَـٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلۡإِحۡسَـٰنُ
Ar-Rahman V60
If you did excellence for Allah in this world why wouldn't he do excellence for you in the hereafter?
Allah's know's of that fire raging inside of you. All them whispers and opportunity of Zina, Allah knows it all. Allah knows of all them sleepless nights, every single night that you woke up because of your uncontrollable instincts that you've held back.
You controlled yourself, so go ahead have everything you fantasized about. Everything you held yourself back for, have it. Allah is going to compensate you, heavily. With a return far greater than you ever expected.
I feel you man, I feel you but hear me out. We're going to get through this.
