I encountered one of my childhood heroes. He showed me being a rude bwoi was for losers. He also showed me how Islam was the only way to live your life. I like to think his words inspired me for and kept me clean whilst growing up in the ghetto.
I met him yesterday at an event. We bumped into each other, and I got that warm, cuddly feeling you get of meeting awesomeness!
I drove him home and he gave me some food for thought about marriage.
I realised we all have a lot of expectations and misconceptions of marriage.
The brother gave me an analogy about how marriages are like natural resources. Coal is easy to get hold of. Diamonds on the other hand, are fairly scarce. This is evident in reality. You'll come across some couples who have amazing partners. Two people who know how to get on and work with things. You'll come across some who are just living through their marriage and taking it as it goes. Then there are those who hate each other. I'm sure we could do a tafsir on this and really break it down into 20 different categories, but lets just leave it at that haha . .
We must understand that not everyone will find a diamond. Those that do find diamonds won't have a flawless marriage either. What makes them diamonds are that they know how to communicate and deal with problems they encounter. They have an understanding.
We've gotten into this notion that "Hey I've read all the books on marriage . . . . . She's read all the books on marriage. Let's get married. We're ready! Thunderbirds are go go go go!!!!"
If only t'was that simple. In reality, it's different.Totally different!
A brother told me the following . . . .
Say . . she does something inappropriate and you use wisdom and put your case across in the nicest possible way. She may not accept it and she'll give you some lip! I remember mine said to me, you think you're a sahabah now?
That really made me LOL!
We've all grown/been brought up in this society. We want to find a potential spouse who has similar understanding and values. By default you have to accept that we've all been corrupted in one way or another. We are humans after all. Now, you're obviously going to get lip if you tell her to do something which her own father didn't tell her to do. It's something you have to accept. Now how you deal with issues is where one needs to differentiate. One can choose to give lip back and have a never ending argument. Or . . one can choose to accept the circumstances and with things differently.
Now . . expectations. Ah . . expectations, doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Thought not.
Most have us have been placed with 'expectations'. Through television, school friends, society, colleagues, ads . . you name it - we've been bombarded with all these fairly tales and images of how 'things should be'.
Take guys for example. Growing up we've been bombarded with semi-naked women in our faces. Over time we've got this warped image of bollywood figures, models and so on. This has become the benchmark. We see women flaunting it . . non-muslim and muslim alike. We've been exposed the charms of a women. Women don't quite dress modest as they once did.
Take an average looking woman. Slap make up on her, using a GHD hair straightner . . give her smoooooth silky hair. She will look pretty. In the eyes of some people; the less she wears the prettier she'll get.
Now take a woman in hijaab. You don't know what to expect. In my eyes a woman concealing her beauty is a lot more attractive. You don't quite know what to expect.
In a nutshell. Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way.
Imagine being brought in the society where you haven't been exposed to lewd images/descriptions. You've never seen a women exposed before. How special would it be when he meets his wife?
I don't think she'd always ask "Does my backside look big in this?" and be so self-concious.
Moving on . . when a guy is married, many of us begin to think we'll be in a position to say "Yes! That part of the test is over". Little do they know it ignites their sexual instincts more, once they're sexually active. Yes boys . . don't assume it's over, you must continue to lower your gaze and guard yourself.
Marriage is hard. Don't have these expectations that she will be the answer to your life. That she will be like Khadijah. It's good to aspire and aim for the best. But don't assume for one minute it's going to go like your mind has played it. You have to work. And you have to work very hard. It's not meant to be easy.
Don't think for one moment life will become easier. A new test will begin. It's an experience I look forward to. Why? Allah tests those whom he loves. It never ends and a new experience begins.