Friday, 9 October 2009


I encountered one of my childhood heroes. He showed me being a rude bwoi was for losers. He also showed me how Islam was the only way to live your life. I like to think his words inspired me for and kept me clean whilst growing up in the ghetto.

I met him yesterday at an event. We bumped into each other, and I got that warm, cuddly feeling you get of meeting awesomeness!

I drove him home and he gave me some food for thought about marriage.

I realised we all have a lot of expectations and misconceptions of marriage.

The brother gave me an analogy about how marriages are like natural resources. Coal is easy to get hold of. Diamonds on the other hand, are fairly scarce. This is evident in reality. You'll come across some couples who have amazing partners. Two people who know how to get on and work with things. You'll come across some who are just living through their marriage and taking it as it goes. Then there are those who hate each other. I'm sure we could do a tafsir on this and really break it down into 20 different categories, but lets just leave it at that haha . .

We must understand that not everyone will find a diamond. Those that do find diamonds won't have a flawless marriage either. What makes them diamonds are that they know how to communicate and deal with problems they encounter. They have an understanding.

We've gotten into this notion that "Hey I've read all the books on marriage . . . . . She's read all the books on marriage. Let's get married. We're ready! Thunderbirds are go go go go!!!!"

If only t'was that simple. In reality, it's different.Totally different!

A brother told me the following . . . .

Say . .  she does something inappropriate and you use wisdom and put your case across in the nicest possible way. She may not accept it and she'll give you some lip! I remember mine said to me, you think you're a sahabah now?  

 That really made me LOL!

We've all grown/been brought up in this society. We want to find a potential spouse who has similar understanding and values. By default you have to accept that we've all been corrupted in one way or another. We are humans after all. Now, you're obviously going to get lip if you tell her to do something which her own father didn't tell her to do. It's something you have to accept. Now how you deal with issues is where one needs to differentiate. One can choose to give lip back and have a never ending argument. Or . . one can choose to accept the circumstances and with things differently.

Now . . expectations. Ah . . expectations, doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Thought not.

Most have us have been placed with 'expectations'. Through television, school friends, society, colleagues, ads . .  you name it - we've been bombarded with all these fairly tales and images of how 'things should be'.

Take guys for example. Growing up we've been bombarded with semi-naked women in our faces. Over time we've got this warped image of bollywood figures, models and so on. This has become the benchmark.  We see women flaunting it  . . non-muslim and muslim alike. We've been exposed the charms of a women. Women don't quite dress modest as they once did.

Take an average looking woman. Slap make up on her, using a GHD hair straightner . .  give her smoooooth silky hair. She will look pretty. In the eyes of some people; the less she wears the prettier she'll get.

Now take a woman in hijaab. You don't know what to expect. In my eyes a woman concealing her beauty is a lot more attractive. You don't quite know what to expect.

In a nutshell. Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way.

Imagine being brought in the society where you haven't been exposed to lewd images/descriptions. You've never seen a women exposed before. How special would it be when he meets his wife?

I don't think she'd always ask "Does my backside look big in this?" and be so self-concious. 

Moving on . . when a guy is married, many of us begin to think we'll be in a position to say "Yes! That part of the test is over". Little do they know it ignites their sexual instincts more, once they're sexually active. Yes boys . . don't assume it's over, you must continue to lower your gaze and guard yourself. 

Marriage is hard. Don't have these expectations that she will be the answer to your life. That she will be like Khadijah. It's good to aspire and aim for the best. But don't assume for one minute it's going to go like your mind has played it. You have to work. And you have to work very hard. It's not meant to be easy.

Don't think for one moment life will become easier. A new test will begin. It's an experience I look forward to. Why? Allah tests those whom he loves. It never ends and a new experience begins.


  1. Assalamu alaikum

    That's a very mature perspective you have on matters and Lord knows that maturity is probably the most uncommon characteristic in young men these days. May you find a wife who will be the best asset you can have for both this life and the next.

  2. Its funny to hear the males point of view! My view is you dont find a diamond - you create one.
    Women are incredibly responsive to love and nurturing - as are men. I have seen lovely women turn into nightmares at the hands of a horrid partner, and I have seen lovely men turn into nightmares because of a partner. And vice versa: I've seen people on a bad road, turnround and fix themselves because someone loves them and believes in them.

    I think the idea of finding someone who comes and complete I-can-get-on-with-you and I-am-attracted-to-you-as-well is unachievable - a relationship is like any naturally growing thing: it requires vitamins, care and nourishment to grow.

    Nurture your woman, she nutrues you: and of course: you will love eachother. HOw can you not love someone who nurtures you right? Not possible.

  3. BintKhalil - Jazakallah Khair and ameen.

    Jasmine - Thank you for your views. I'm sat on the fence on this one.

    From my experience in life, there's very few real friends you meet in life. Those that are like noor (light). They don't lie to you, cheat you, talk about you. They're their for you in times of happiness and hardship. They are real people.

    These people are diamonds. They're rare.

    As I outlined, these people know how to communicate and deal with problems they encounter. They have an understanding.

    Every marriage needs work. You plants the seeds, work hard and watch it grow.

    It's crucial to find a person who's right for you. Then understand that it requires work to make a loving and lasting marriage.

    There are those whose qualities you can nurture and there those who are set in there ways.

  4. Assalamu alaikum sisters and bros! :-)

    This piece was a good read: brave and self-reflective. InshAllah your readers have found it applicable.


  5. Subhan'Allah so nice to hear a brother say things like this.

    I just want to add, that this constant bombardment of beautiful models on billboards and TV might also be the cause of low self-esteem among the sisters. Such beauty is naturally unattainable...because its computer generated. I understand that we, unfortunately live in a society where modesty is not number-one priority, thus making it hard on brothers to eliminate such expectations..but its good to see that SOME of you see the situation in this manner.

    I came across this article...I think its worth a read:

  6. As salaam walaikum bro,

    A very interesting post, mashaAllah. I have a solution in regards to correcting your wife though it may not work depending on the person. Suppose your wife is frustrated and complaining about something and you feel like she said something wrong. Don't correct her immediately. Wait for a while, few hours, let her calm down and let her mood change and then bring it up in a polite way. Usually when a wife is frustrated, she wants someone to listen and correcting her at this point may upset her more as she may feel you are not really paying attention to what she's trying to say. It also depends on the situation though. Some circumstances require you to point out the mistake immediately like asking a wife to remain calm at hajj if someone accidently shoves her.

    I'm slightly surprised that a guy knows about the make of a hair straightener. lol. But just to add, a hijabi woman (being one myself) can also be self conscious about herself especially if she's looking to get married or to ensure she stays attractive to her husband. But as long as it doesn't lead to vanity, it's all good. Islam is all about doing things in moderation. :)

  7. Walaikum Salam,

    Good point, although it varies from case to case.

    Guys can use hair straighteners too :)

    I completely agree. Men are also self-concious.

    We should look after our bodies and make ourselves presentable as it was the sunnah of the prophet. Ah yes moderation is the key to all aspects in life :)