What Is It About Daughters?

I'm going to sound like a mentalist but here goes.

Whenever I meet friends' families and the kids, they all just want to play with me. Uncle SoulSeek is the man when it comes to kids. I'm blessed to have a number of nephews and nieces. I love them all and I get on with all kinds of kids. From the little cocky ones to the mutes. Boys or girls. I just have this way of befriending them.

I want to talk about my niece. I can spend hours playing with the girl and our conversations are hilarious. She's going to be such a beautiful and smart girl. I always tell her I'm going to kidnap her, she always has this cheeky grin. I've promised myself that I will always be there when she grows up.

With the boys, the dynamics are completely different. They come on the weekend, the eldest thinks he's ghetto and strong, usually gets put in his place within a few minutes. Hilarity ensues. We then do some sports/play or have 'boy talks'. The use of language is totally different too.

Blah blah blah.

Basically, I really want a baby girl :( One that is mine for the keeping, one that I can protect and look after. One, that when a guy comes to ask for her hand in marriage; if he hasn't wrestled a lion, beat me at everything I know/can do.. he ain't taking her anywhere.

Weird right? Most guys would gun for boys first. I even have her name too, assuming her mother doesn't have the same name. I feel like such a big softy!

I just had to share this vid:



Masha'Allah, how cute is she?! Tabarkallah feek :)

Wedding Bells?

Not quite yet. 

We talked wedding dresses. Rings. Future. Living and arrangements with the in-laws. Children too. My quest for 10 children insha'Allah!

She was the only girl to make it to Soulseeks' place of residence. Met all my siblings, some of my nieces too. She even got to see my bedroom too. Hah. Crazed!

Here's the deal. Whilst a lot happened I don't have a great deal to say.

Things didn't work out. We were so close. We worked on things and before hand we managed to gain an understanding in each others styles of conflict and general behaviour. She made mistakes. I made some mistakes.

Our levels of maturity were very different. Being raised as an only child and her upbringing, lets just say I had a different picture of how I thought she would react in situations. After a while I come to the realisation it wasn't a big deal. Yes she was immature but at the same time it was beautiful that she was this woman waiting to blossom and grow. One that I'd be responsible for. All these issues and things were stuff we could work on. She frustrated the hell out of me. She was a bit weird too. But it was all gravy.

Her behaviour became quite worrying. Her family and friends cussed her for her attitude. Her best friend said to me she wanted to find me another prospect because she couldn't believe my suitor. Lol. In the end I just found us going around in circles. She wasn't ready for marriage. Despite throwing around a words.

She became that emotional thing again. She said she would regret this. Finding someone who is the complete package and the definition of what a 'man should be' with deen. She said her life was so difficult right now, she would want me to give her another chance and reconsider in the future if I was available.

Sorry, your chance is gone. And thank you for giving me just what I needed. Experience, perspective and understanding. I don't think I'll ever get to speak to another suitor as much as I talked to this one. It was a blessing that both of our parents allowed us meet and talk prior in a halaal setting to our hearts content (which were full days!)


I used to be a guy that had good characteristics but... they were imblanaced. Things are getting much better. When I'm thrown into the deepest end, I learn the most. I went through a difficult phase, confused and lacking understanding. But after E-V-E-RY-THING? I feel this contentment. My wife is going to be a very happy woman. Insha'Allah. I'm certain I will fulfil my part of the deed.

I did sit and think why women were such vicious creatures? After all this misfortune, I thought it was always the women that complicated matters. I put in a great deal of time, emotions and effort.

But after my decision. I smile. Because it's becoming quite easy. My time will come by appointment and by his grace and his grace alone.

I was with my friend last night, "Soulseek, in a non-gay way. You've got a really nice smile. Masha'Allah of course... don't want my hunk of a brother to get nazar now do we?" We've got this crazy sense of humour. "Praa wherever we go, all girls look at us and all the guys want to be like us. We're so lovable." I laughed and butted in "I'm gonna kick your ass, so shurrup. Oh and say Masha'Allah dude, say Masha'Allah!" "Whatever Mr Modest. Seriously though, after everything that's happened, your situation - how do you do smile like that? You do it around all of us we think you're life is so good but I've caught glimpses of sadness when you're alone. How are you so, well... in control and relaxed about things?"

I've learnt a great deal about myself. Just when you think you know, you really don't. I will never make the same mistake twice. Icing on the cake. That's what it was. I've learnt so much. Alhamdulillah, I'm so grounded and ready for marriage. It's crazy. Everything else in my life is in order. In addition to my previous qualities. I've become this assertive guy. That has tolerance but takes no crap. Confident, not in just speech but attitude. Given respect and surrounded by good people. That ability to sense and deal with situations responsibly and properly. Compassionate. In control of my emotions. More patient. Strong. I didn't think I would hit this stage for a few years. I've hit this stage in my life. What can I say?

I was supposed to be having my nikkah next weekish or thereabouts. Funny how things turn. It's weird how this situation hasn't bothered me in comparison to all my other ventures; even though I invested and progressed far more than the others. I am becoming that guy. Painful but worth it.

And, so it continues.

The search is on . .

In other news. I saw this sister just smiling at me. Pretty girl. Anyways, I continued walking looking elsewhere talking on the phone. Hmmm. I really know that face. I mean really. Oh sh- sugar. It's Husna. 

Just A Smile

There's something quite powerful about the past.

Aisha.

I was sat down in the masjid. It was strange. I saw her. She came walking towards me and she sat down. There was something different about her. Ah yes, she was wearing a hijab with a loose niqab. I smiled "Good girl. Good good girl. Rockin' the niqab I see? You look really grown up. How's it going? It's been.." I fumbled for a while. And I looked up "A long time."

That smile. No one rocks it like her. It's the smile that makes you smile. It's an Aisha smile. She sat across me. "I have, so much to tell you." "I wanted to tell you, everything is going to be alright. You only deserve the best. Trust me, It's all going to be well." She started blushing. "Insha'Allah, of course it will." I said.

I was thinking to myself. How strange? I last heard from her ages ago and left things as they were. I haven't thought about her at all. How bizarre. How... Oh look, people around me are smiling. I'm smiling too. I like this.

I turned to my side. My arm felt better. I proceeded to roll over onto my other pillow. I woke up.

Something peaceful about it. A sigh of reassurance. A sigh of relief.

Losing Motivation To Blog And. . . Pretty Much Everything Else

I've been here almost every day trying to write since my last entry on the 24th. I've wrote a few thousand words in drafts but it's all over the place. It's not happening at all.

Since that feeling. I did all those things I talked of and it did me good. Thank you all for your support. And  Jasmine was right. I was starting to show signs of stress.

However, I feel seriously weak. Physically, mentally and spiritually.

Physically - I've ruptured a bone in my body. I can no longer compete in lifting. Training was my biggest outlet. It's no longer happening. From being one of the strongest national lifters, I'm now almost useless. Can I get an Irony overload? Hah. I'm currently in physio and I was told it would take a few months to see some progress.

Mentally and spiritually - It's just gone. Complete lack of energy. Feel really lethargic. Salah was always there to take a break from discomfort. It was relaxing. Khushu has slowly started to distance itself. All the other activities feel like a chore. You know crap's hit the fan when it gets to this stage. 

I've never been like this before. Disorientated. Unfulfilled. Crap. That's how I feel. It seems that life, that was once going into over drive with goodness and happiness is now on hitting empty.

I need to get writing. It's the best outlet at my disposal it seems. A note to myself: Big changes need to happen. 

Motivation where are you? ARGH.

Slightly O/T but I had to drop a few thoughts on Egypt. Firstly, way to go Google and Twitter, props on bypassing the firewall. Secondly, Why is America and the west so, SO afraid? Thirdly, an epic set of pictures in Egypt.

A final note, Muslim's are starting to come to the realisation that change can actually happen. Change for Islam. Exciting times are ahead of us Insha'Allah.

p.s I want to thank you all for your comments. They've been keeping me ticking over, each and everyone. Hi5 to all my g's!

Fourth Night Of The Decision

I recently bought a new phone. Whenever I buy a phone, it's usually a top end phone. Something that will last me years. Good craftmanship. Good vendor. Good developer community for the software/apps, so on and so forth. It takes me a while to make an informed decision. I have to gather facts and information to ensure I'm making a good decison. The right decision. It took me 7 weeks to get the phone I wanted, with the best deal to suit my needs. That's me. And I have issues. Hi :-/

Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.

I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.

Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.

Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.

There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.

I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.

Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.

I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(

I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes. 

To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.

Night four of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.

Third Night Of The Decision

Last week it was the first time I had been angry for a very long time. I'm always cool. But someone's irresponsible behaviour pressed my buttons for a few hours. It was late, I was tired and my tolerance was low. I was getting ready for bed. She wanted to speak about something. It was then we had our very first argument.

It was heated. It was late. We didn't understand each other. She said something she didn't mean. Stuff like this sets the precedent. so we talked about it the next day and we both came the conclusion that we both messed up. Kinda cute. Lol.

Note to self: Never talk important stuff at night. 

After the argument she started questioning if she was even ready for marriage stemming on from a question I asked her. Then another silly conversation took place. She said a lot of silly things.

The next morning I found the following message..

"I've been making lots of dua and I will continue to do so. Soulseek, the magnitude of my reaction was only due to the fact that I have never come this close to something so good. I know we would be right for each other in my head. I know I would make you happy, this has only made me respect you more. Lets both reconsider and make dua with this in mind. I really feel lucky that you have this much patience with me. I'm not this melodramatic often but I can imagine how that made you cautious. The last thing I want to do is lose such an amazing opportunity because of how I was feeling temporarily."

When I was gaining a reference on her, I spoke to her best friend. She has to be one of the most straight down, ghetto sisters I've come across. She was gangster. I remember her opening line when I spoke to her "Brother, I'm going to be very straight up with you. Yes, she is my best friend but I have an Islamic obligation to answer any queries you have without much bias, if I'm able to do so. So shoot."

One thing her friend said to me that struck a chord. "Brother, I know it's none of my business and I don't know you but I just want to say continue doing whatever you are. I've seen mature traits in her that I've never seen in her before. In front of the girls when we talk about the guys she always used to talk. About you? We've heard nothing. I'm her best friend and she told me nothing. I think this is a testament to the kind of brother she's in talks with. Keep it up. I'd really like to meet you someday if it works out insha'Allah."

Night Three
I managed to speak to her. I told her about my reservations. She explained straight away why I had them. I don't think I gave this girl quite enough credit for her intelligence. She's a smart cookie. I've brought a couple of problems to her and I like her style. She uses a lot of references with my jokes. I can see her trying. Even with things she's not interested in. She listens. Then again, women do far out talk men, so I keep an open ear. You pick up a lot about a person by just listening. I've heard her laugh. I've heard her make (cheap) jokes. I've heard her rant. I've heard her offer solutions. I've heard talk about how she made that cheesecake.

I've learnt a lot.

I've been thinking about both possibilities of this working out and not working out. I remember she once said to me in a general conversation that "You don't appreciate what you have, until you lose it." She's right. I think I would miss her. She's quite special.

This is why after this period. Once I'm certain. She's may find out how special she is. If it works out.

Night three of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Positive. Yet undecided. 

Second Night Of The Decision

I've been thinking about this all day.

I don't know why but I feel weird. It's not a positive weird either. I think I need to speak to her.

Night two of Istikhara. Done.

Status: Confused.

First Night Of The Decision

The first potential ever to make it to my house took place on Sunday afternoon. We've had a number of meets but it was the first one that SoulSeek's family got to invite and consider.

Everyone was around. Majority of my siblings, my sister in law, nieces. Lots of nice food was prepared. Bukhoor was lit and could be smelt everywhere. The house was very clean. Even my bedroom was picture perfect.

I know I have a lot of gaps to fill and I promise I will. I've wrote up posts but I'll drop them at a later date.

Brief Summary. Considered a sister I didn't want to. My mind was set on someone else. However, I was persuaded to check this girl out. I like a quick challenge. Thought I would give it a try, filter a quick application. Got to know her. She turns out to be much better than I imagined. I became a bit fishy, it felt too easy. No pain or discomfort like usual. Lots of chemistry. We have a few meets with my sister. I grow to really like the girl. Just looking at the girl I can see feels the same way. Things progress quickly and family's meet. Girl gets hit by reality "OMG, I'm going to be leaving my life. This is scary." She wants to rethink this very important decision. I have a few doubts of my own to deal with. I suggest we do istikharaa for 7 nights.

The format. I will be writing a post every day, for the next 7 days. I'm currently on a break from communicating with my potential spouse. We both want to spend this time with ourselves and Allah to make sure we're making the right decision.

Here's a log of me doing that.

Night One
I don't have to worry about me as a person. She adores me. Her family really likes me. I tick all her criterias plus more. They think have I have really good akhlaq, deen, personality, way of thinking, full of hobbies and interests and a good family. Educated with high aspirations. "Good looking and athletic". Respectful. Has a mind of his own. Full of leadership qualities. Their words. Her parents had given me permission to communicate.

On her part. She's reconsidering to see if she's actually ready for marriage. Nerves have hit her. It's cool. She's leaving her life to join mine. It's hard. Being an emotional creature too. This isn't about me. It's about her.


On my part. Hah, I'm SoulSeek and I can and analyse a situation all day long. But lets take things at face value. A few doubts popped up on my end.

She's attractive but I have reservations if I'm really attracted to her. I am but sometimes that changes. My mother and sisters liked her but they felt I could do so much better in that department (of looks) given what had now become 11 potential prospects. I turned the volume down to ask how I feel. After all, family would always say that.

She is *that kind of woman*. Her nafsiyya and inclination towards islam is pretty much similar to mine. That's that sorted. I want to strip a few things  from her. Lets take away her deen and looks. I want to view her as a person with just a personality. 

She has a good, kind heart. She's scared to say no in order to please people.Whilst she has a number of deadlines, she's been doing work for other people. I like and dislike this at the same time. She teaches children Qur'an and Arabic. She wants to give back to the community. I really like that. I believe we all have an obligation. For every chav or messed up muslim youth out there. There's a responsibility. What did we do to help that individual? 

She's cute. A number of adorable qualities. She strikes me as a person that would do things to please me. When we went to their house, the night before I said I'd like a Strawberry Cheesecake. And that's what I got. Handmade. "With extra love."

She was raised as an only child. Had a few events unfold in her life. She needs attention. I've found her to be quite clingy.

Weird sense of humour. I get her humour which she finds rare but she's gonna have to keep up with mine. We do make each other laugh. Her jokes are so lame at times, I do find it funny.

Emotional. At my house, we were in my second living room. Her mother was present whilst mine went to make wudu for Salah. Whilst we were talking, I noticed her eyes watering up and tears starting to come down. "Heeey, what's up?" I said. "I don't know why I feel confused, just feel really weird." Gosh, what am I supposed to think? Her mother noticed this too and gave a "I'm going to have words with you" kind of look. She told me the night before because of her relationship with her mother, she's really scared of leaving her. Just an outburst of "this is very real."

Night one of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Undecided.

That Kind Of Woman

My image of the kind of woman I think I may end up sometimes changes quite radically. The kind of girl that fits the image.

Here's my most recent picture:

Waking up to her smile. The long days are worth it.

She can take a diss/joke and throw it back. She makes me laugh.

A girl that is competitive with the right kind of attitude. She wants to outpace me on the beach and beat me.

The kind, that when it's snowing, she would be up for going for a walk and have a snow fight. Even kick my ass.

The type that appreciates and acknowledges that I understand how much she's done for me. I want her to go and relax whilst I prepare dinner. Boy has she got an appetite. I like a girl that knows her food.

When the going gets tough, she knows that regardless of how different our views are, we'll succeed. Understands her position and responsibility as a woman and mine as a man. Respect.

Someone that can just sit and chill anywhere without complaining. You know, like your best mates. Companionship. Homie.

After a long day at work, she's the one thing you look forward to the most. My girl.

My wife. 

And Then There Was. . . . NINE!

I thought getting over Aisha wouldn't prove to be very difficult. I wrong. Very wrong. I had too many how and why questions come up but I really didn't know. One fact that I did know, is that it happened. I had to accept it, and deal with it. Oh, move on too. 

We share a lot of mutual contacts/friends, so her name would always pop up somewhere. I just kept being reminded of her. It was starting to bug me. I tried detach myself of all emotions and feelings. I started to get somewhere.

Since June options had started to surface. I felt quite bitter about everything related to marriage. I just did. I didn't want to pursue anyone. I heard about a few girls interested but I just let it be.

I had told myself that I would now officially be 'riding this single crap out'. (T-shirt material! Hah)

In our lives we're sent with difficulties. At times I felt like I was my threshold kept being broke with something more severe. The whole marriage process just didn't compliment my reality.

So, I gave up on the whole idea of marriage. Lost the complete drive for it. Walking in the streets seeing girls smiling. Muslims and Non-Muslims. My response? Devoid of any feelings or emotions. It was here it hit me. I was lost. Really lost. 10 months ago I was this guy that was Confident. Intelligent. Laid back. Determined. Helpful. Humorous. Full of so much positive energy and hope. With a smile that would make most peoples' day. The majority of that had just sunk.

I've always been regular with my prayer, dawah and classes. They keep me in check, so I can never skimp on them. Whether or not we like it suffering is a part of life. Friends were there but there are times you just don't want to talk. This was one of them. I turned to that one deity I knew best. Allah. Nothing happened for a long time. Things were becoming progressively more difficult. I had to keep my cool, when you become worked up, it doesn't make a situation easier. 

We verily created man and We know what his soul whispereth to him, and We are nearer to him than his jugular vein. [Surah Qhaf:V16]

I kept patient. And more patient. Now check this out.

The opportunity for Umrah arises. I take it without thinking about it. Time to reset myself and reflect on what had happened. 5 weeks. Perfect and beautiful. 

I come back from Umrah. I see smiling faces. Hundreds of them. Friends and family so happy and proud of me. I looked after a number of old people including my two mothers (mum and aunty). They're all so thankful and full of duas.

I graduate too. The only guy to make it from our family. A big, big deal. Again, so many people proud and happy for me.

"You've accomplished a lot for your age. When are you taking the next big step. Marriage?" Almost everyone would ask a question along these lines. Ah, yes. I remember you. The one thing I used to be psyched up about. Well I wasn't feeling so hot about it. I'd always respond with something as short as "Insha'Allah".

One sister contacted me. 'There's this sister who's been on your case for months but I knew you didn't want to consider anyone but she wants a response.' This sister masha'Allah had a lot going for her. Masters degree in Arabic, meant to be nice etc. And I felt that I couldn't consider her. For a number of issues at that moment in time.

I was surprised to find that I had a number of proposals/potentials lined up. There was 9. That's right 9. A very mixed bag of sweets. From a niqaabi/alima to a non-hijaabi. There would have been more on my plate but I managed to convince my teachers that now wasn't the best time.

My sister caught wind of this and so did my friends. I got hell of a blasting all round.

And they all said something similar.

"Allah (swt) may provide you with something good. And that opportunity may never rise again."

I had no come back. Because it's true. They were also right. Who gets 9 in this day and age? 

I found answers. In a good financial position. I know better than before what I want. I am becoming better than that guy 10 months ago. So what's stopping me?

Nothing.

Drum rolls please! 

I had to start again. I know how I ended up in the position I was and that will not happen again. A surge full of energy. I was returning. Better and stronger than before. More mature. Responsible. All the things I used to be 10 months ago, plus more. 

Turn your wounds into wisdom. [Oprah Winfrey]

So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected. 

Umrah - The Experience Of A Lifetime

There are no words I can find to express my journey. 

It was the most mesmerising 5 weeks of my life. It was also the most testing 5 weeks of my life. The tests, the hardships? None of that mattered. None of that mattered when I first saw the ka'aba.  I used to sit for hours in the blistering heat just gazing at the ka'abah and pondering about the heavens and the earth. Thinking about my life. How it was spent and what needed to be done. The hereafter; what is yet to come. My circles of friends. My relationships with people. How I used to view the world and wider societal issues.

Then there were the 3 superstars of the Ummah there. Sheikh Sudais, Maher and last, definitely not least Salah Al-Budair. 3 of my favourite reciters. I will never forget the Salah's I stood with these men. They brought the Qur'an to life. They brought my teachings to life. From the very little arabic I understood and all my tafsir studies, it was nigh on impossible to stand in Salah without devotion, fear, obedience, happiness and tranquillity.


My baby feet 2 hours after landing in a neighbouring arab country:

I knew it was going to uphill struggle from here. 

In the first week I must have walked over 60 miles, yes my feet were on their way out. Over the 5 week period, I must have walked over 200 miles.

I exceeded my expectations in ibaadah. I did much more umrah's and tawaaf's than I estimated.

I met some amazing people on my journey. Made some really good friends and I met a few notable characters from around the world.

I found clarity, peace and some answers I went looking for.

The number of people exceeded hajj according to pilgrams who had done hajj several times.

It's amazing. At Salah it's the only place in the world where millions of people stop talking. All you can hear are the birds above the ka'abah.

I miss it. I truly do. It's been 3 weeks since I've been back and I'm finding it difficult getting back into the swing of things.

I really wish I could share some experiences, I have enough to write tons on but I've noticed this blog is getting some serious hits from where I reside. If there's one thing I've learnt, word travels very quickly.
Anonymity is a real pain at times.

A New Chapter

After the last ordeal, I'm in the process of trying to pick myself up and move on. It was a lot more difficult than I imagined. The long sleepless nights. Against your will. Reflecting. Thinking about the smallest and stupidest of things.

Sometimes one just becomes preoccupied in just 'living'. The opportunity of taking some true quality time out to think doesn't present itself. It didn't for me anyhow.

Umrah did a lot for me. It restored my faith in a lot of areas. It provided me with the time, space to think and reflect. Medina was the definition of tranquility. I can't describe my love for Makkah and Medina. It was an experience of a lifetime. I met some amazing people there.

I found answers.

The last 12 months of my life have been indescribable. I've learnt so much about myself. I've also had some of the best moments of my life. I've also faced some of the most difficult ones. It's safe to say that this period defined me as a person. The latter few months were an emotional rollercoaster. This part, I had difficulties in understanding and dealing with. I was never much of an emotional person. I did find it hard to deal with some feelings I hadn't experienced before. Ah well, It's all a part of the experience.

In Makkah and Medina this topic, this topic of girls and marriage found its way everywhere I went. From shop keepers to qur'an hafiz's. Even with people who didn't speak the same language! They would ask by using gestures to ask if I was married like pointing at the ring finger. How ironic. This topic always crept up.

Bringing all this back. My zeal for marriage has pretty much gone. I want to, and I see the importance of it. But I've hit that point in my life where it's time to take a back seat. I've had enough of it.

That energy and attitude I once used to have for this subject is no more.

If a good potential crops up I won't dismiss her but at this moment in time it seems the girls I'm attracting are those that are scared of commitment. I want to get on with things without this becoming the center of attention. This is how it should have always been. There should never be a time where you should exhaust your efforts. As there is generally never a 'right time'.

So here I am. A free soul. Somewhat emotionally distraught. Going with the flow. This is not me giving up. This is me taking a step back. Striving in becoming the man I'm destined to be. A good man. I've seen what it means to be good and I've put it into practice. I have no care or fear of the unseen nor the future of the unseen. I have genuine belief that Allah's roadmap is far better than mine.

Sometimes. Just sometimes. Maybe you don't have to try so hard.

Here. Now. A new chapter begins. Alone with nothing but faith. Nothing but faith. I will succeed Insha'allah. A strong and positive attitude goes a long way. I know, I've done it before.

Peace out,

Walaikum Salaam.

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 2

Part 1

Before this when things ended she asked me if I wanted to try again. I refused. Not once. Three times in a row.  

When she dropped the line. My response was "Be right back, having a heart attack".  I always found the right time to joke around. She said "Oh SoulSeek, chill out!". She always knew how to make me laugh.

Everything had changed. I couldn't explain it. She had put me through some difficult times but at that particular moment in time, none of that mattered. Did I just experience what a lot of married couples fail to do? Forgive and move on?

Muhammed (saw) asked his companions, “Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?” they said, “Of course O Prophet of Allah.” He responded, “Then forgive each other.”

I'm not the kind to fall into a rut over a persons mistakes. Even if they are great.

The one thing I've admired about Aisha was her honesty. She had never led me on. She had told me how things were from the very first day. Granted, she was in a difficult position but her honesty helped us both.The one thing to note is that she was confused. Very Confused. Sometimes she would frustrate me so much. She was very easily led on. I would hear her speak and know that it wasn't even her speaking. I could capitalise and use this to my advantage. I never did. I couldn't.

I would always give her a lot of space. I would go through situations and offer her advice. When things went wrong, I would help mend them. When she was in distress, I would help ease her pain. She would always be like "Gosh, you're so right." and "You're such a smarty pants." Me? Hah, good joke. I guess this was my weakness.

Every time I have asked her a question. I always received a response. No fancy words. No beating around the bush. Aisha just being Aisha. I liked that.

The Friend
We both shared this one mutual friend. Isa will be his name. You know that one person who you can sit with and talk about anything? That same person who realises something isn't right when everyone else fails to realise. That one person we would both be doomed without. That one person that could challenge my thinking and turn my rationalisation around so that I may see things for what they were. That one person that would spend hours talking to me in helping me through my difficulties. That same person saw so much in both of us and helped us. He had so much hope for us. More than both of us combined, and he helped me see it through. His deeds will never be forgotten. Loyalty and help when it was needed most. They don't come by often. I hope I can return the favour someday. The best thing? He doesn't even acknowledge helping anyone. I would thank him and he would say "for what?" Ah you cheeky bugger. He would leave my house at stupid hours in the morning and then rejoin me a couple of hours later whilst we drove to University and we would always talk on the way. He would speak to both of us and help us immensely . He would show us our errors, lack of experience and maturity so that we may see and understand the situation for what it was.

Allah sends help at critical moments. He was the plaster. He helped cover a lot of small and large wounds.
I had found a true friend. It's funny how these people just drop in at the right time. I just happened to catch him for a reference of Husna 8 months ago. I had known him prior to that but I had never really spent time with him.

I really will do what I can Aisha.

Things would go really well for a while. We worked best when we didn't talk about marriage. Then I would hear from her. Sorry. I meant I would hear her friends talking through her mouth.

Whenever we made progress we would find a way to go 2 step backwards. She would occasionally start to pick things apart. Pick up on a lot of small reasons of why things shouldn't happen. About how I wasn't her kind of guy. I was attractive but not her usual bad boy look. Okay, so we all have preferences, right? She would continue on how I was too much a nice guy, you know, that fine line of questioning my manliness. I would always receive comments and compliments on my physique, physically ability to compete and fight. I wasn't a slouch in the looks department but it felt like I was being questioned, questioned that men like this shouldn't exist in today's society. I think I lost myself. She would always find really stupid ways of hindering progress. I always kept my cool and found a way round things, it's what I do best. However blame is a two way game. At times I wouldn't provide her the benefit of doubt and I would question my decision making abilities from time to time.

Soon, she started to cross one too many lines. She said some things which started ringing different tones of alarm bells in my head. For a short while I thought she was intentionally trying to frustrate me. Aisha had gave me permission to speak to my sister of her past, after putting a few pieces together I began to realise she wasn't very stable. Mentally. I knew her situation was volatile but after putting things into perspective there were a lot of factors that made things quite scary. She would always tell me there was a lot wrong with her but I brushed them aside as an insecurity. My sister works in the field of psychology and has helped muslim women through a lot of ordeals. She gave me her thoughts on Aisha and Aisha agreed to her analysis. Aisha broke down in tears and told me how messed up she really felt. At this point I became fairly distraught. I had feelings for her but deep down I wasn't sure I could provide for someone. Someone so . . . so broken. Sigh. I felt like this for a very long time. This made things a lot more difficult. I would try be optimistic whilst trying to be a realist.

I have always understood that my path would not be easy. My whole upbringing. Everyone has a story to tell. Mine is no different. It's a tale in its own right. Alhamdulillah. I still felt there was something there and we could work through it. A lot of events pursued. The worst part is leaving detail out but with this kind of blog sometimes that has to happen. Besides, these key events could make take this novel territory, it really is that long.

She annoyed me quite a lot. It was my examination period and she really added to the stress. She would go through this phase of not wanting to talk about things and then try to pick it up again. It was agitation and frustration on both of our part. She once asked me if I knew what she saw at end of the tunnel with her? I told her that now wasn't the best of times as I had an exam the very next day. Her pessimism and portal for negativity went hand in hand. I really felt like I had enough by this point. It was like deja vu time and time again. I've always been optimistic regardless of the hurdles. Imaan is a foundation for belief. Foundations are never made over night. We must make an exerted effort in making a foundation  of steel. Why? Steel doesn't crumble when tested. So where does imaan fit into this? Our attitude reflects our imaan. It's our imaan that carries us through our daily lives. Both trials and tribulations.

A week later she asked me if she could continue what she wanted to say. "Please do" I said.

"At end of the tunnel. I see Jannah with you."

Woah, Woah, Woah?! Huh? I can understand seeing goodness, light and all the usual stuff but . . . . Jannah? That's a bold statement. She said she saw far too much good in me and I could only bring out good in her. I felt flattered and I didn't really know what to say.  

Sometime later she felt like she couldn't open up and talk to me any more. As she felt like I didn't understand her. She then realised how difficult she had made things for me. How impossibly difficult it became. But hey, that word difficult, that doesn't fit in my vocabulary.

The tears had started again. She asked me to walk away. I asked her to provide me a valid reason to walk away. She said "It is better for you". "Let me be the judge of that" I said. The conversation continued. She said "I really, really care for you SoulSeek, just leave it, please" she continued "You will eventually understand." It was that night when we talked. Talked like we talked before I proposed the idea of marriage to her. Before things became weird. It was bizarre. I enjoyed this conversation. It was 'normal'. No pressure, no frustration. For the first time in 5 months it felt very different. However, it was then when she asked me to make a decision. A decision on whether or not I should walk. She wanted me to make a decision. It became a difficult decision for me. I don't do things half heartedly. All or nothing. I was very unsure. I felt like I was compromising far too much and the situation was far too volatile but similarly I saw honesty and sincerity. I held onto these two things very tightly. The bad outweighed the good. Hey, isn't this that what Shaitaan helps us do best?

A week or so had passed. I was indecisive I hadn't made a decision.

She said she was never ready to get married. She couldn't, for many reasons. The only reason she considered me was because of my character. She said I knew what I wanted and how far I was willing to go for it. Her? Clueless. She felt she had to deal with herself. And she was right, there was a lot of truth in that.

We talked again. She flipped. I saw disrespect. I contained myself. A crazy amount I must say. I did however end things. Just like that? Just like that. After 6 months, with a very indecisive feeling, I managed to do something I hesitated to do for ages within seconds. She apologised for acting the way she did but she was frustrated, no more than I was. She used professions as a measure of comparison. She said I was like a doctor that a lot of people wanted in on and she was just a cleaner. With constant analogies as such, I almost started to believe the hype.

This time things were over for real. She asked me how I felt and I didn't share. It would provide no benefit to either of us. I asked if she was okay, she said "if I wasn't, would it change anything?" I asked myself the same question. For days on end.

There was a meeting for a large da'wah project, I caught a glimpse of her and it the first time I saw her in a while. I pretended like I didn't see her, I just carried on.

I saw her walking, looking at the floor and she walked past. No eye contact or anything. Did she even know I was present? I saw Isa. He asked me if I had a moment to spare. I obliged. He asked me if I was okay. "Why wouldn't I be" I said? "SoulSeek you can't front on me, I know you far too well bro" he said. Waiting on me to spill something. I just kept quiet. He said he spoke to Aisha. A relief as always. I felt really concerned about her. "How is she?" I asked He said "Gutted. She's a strong girl, she'll be okay." I had nothing to say, looking at the floor. Cracked concrete ground was all I could see. He said "Aisha wanted to give this to you, here". It was a book. A copy of The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. She had bought it prior to the incident and she wanted to give it to me before she left for home. I remember mentioning to her that I wanted to read this book in early March. 3 months ago. 

I felt sad. Really sad.

I started to read the book. I completed it within a couple of days. On one day I managed to do a 7 hour stint. For me, that's something. That book hit me hard. About my upbringing. My life. Her.

It was then I started self-reflection. It was then I started to write up part 1 of this entry. It was then when it hit me. After all this time. After all that stress. After all the hardship. Everything became so simple. So, so simple.

She contacted me asking for advice. I felt I was the wrong person but I could keep my feelings aside to offer her genuine advice. One of the issues was her dad wanted her to get married from the motherland. I told her to consider it and remember her criteria for marriage. She didn't want to and her dad stopped talking to her. Soon after her Grandmother passed away. Another series of family problems had pursued. Her family situation was far from ideal. In fact, it was one of the worst scenario's that I had personally come across. Bless her. She managed to keep her self together for so long. 

It was now our turn to return a small favour for Isa. He was having problems with he girl he wanted to marry, she would advise the girl and I would help him. If things were not going to work out for him we would argue over who would get the opportunity to hook him up with a new potential. Alhamdulillah he's now back on track in pursuing his suitor.

Time progressed. A week before I went on the break with GeetarHiro I had to be honest with her. I still had some feelings for her. As things became so clear I knew what I had to do. She was shocked. The Kite Runner was like icing on the cake; affirming my thoughts and feelings.

I felt with my new found attitude and thoughts, I would not make the mistakes that I had made before and that I could lay things out so she would know how serious I was and we both knew why things ended. I made an unnatural decision that I felt forced to make based on emotions. That's not me.

She brought up her situation and relationship with her father. And asked if I was in her position, would I even think about marriage? I put a scenario across - that if her father had agreed to me being a suitor what would she say? She said she would definitely consider it more. However, she was not confident it would make a difference to her dad.

The Teacher
I started Arabic classes. Fairly intense, 5 times a week to compliment my tafsir classes. I would like to tell you a little about my teacher. He is the most chilled out and humblest of people anyone would ever have the opportunity to meet. Check this out. He has a Ph.D in marriage. That's right! His field, is the fiqh of marriage. We call him Dr Lurve. He is officially awesome. After our class we always chat about marriage and he is overly concerned about the single youths within our society. He teaches me and Isa.

A few days after I told Aisha I had feelings, Dr Love was chatting to us. He said to me "Br. SoulSeek, I'm going to find you a wife Insha'Allah. If you're willing to come Jordan with me, I will find you a pious wife." He was always serious but he had this quality where he was also funny whilst being serious, it was just his character. Someone who would deceive you at face value. He would ask me where my preference lied in terms of location I replied "UK". He said "Ah, I know this one sister, she would be very good for you. She's from x city. She's a good sister. She's live in this village called . . . ah I can't remember the name". "Village b?" I said. "That's the one." he said. Hold on, this sounded all too familiar.

Isa at this point couldn't contain his laughter. He always said to me that me and Aisha would eventually cross paths again. This was it. Dr Love was talking about Aisha. I tried really hard not to smile. I had to turn sideways and let a smile out.

Dr Love knew something was going on at this point. He asked me if I knew her. I said "Yes, I was interested in her." He smiled. "She has a lot of family problems you know, she's going through a lot." he exclaimed. I nodded. He continued "I know a lot of imams and have friends in the city, we could get them to speak to her dad." I think my smile got a little brighter. "I would appreciate that Sheikh, Jazakallah Khairan" I said. "Wa iyyak, don't forget to do your homework" he said.

We got outside and Isa literally dropped on the floor laughing "Dr Love is on the case!" he exclaimed. "You're such an idiot" I said, trying to hide my smile.

"Oi you clown! I just spoke to the Dr!" Aisha said. I was in stitches. The Dr of Love had delivered! What a guy. "Oh really?" I continued "What did he say?"

"He said he really misses me and he wants me to move back and get involved with more da'wah work in x city. Oh and he wants me to get married to you."

We had a more level head conversation this time. She said after having time to think she didn't want to get married at this moment in time. She enjoyed her single life and wasn't ready for commitment. She also felt she wasn't ready for marriage. We continued talking and I tried to explain how marriage is a process and how one can never wake up feeling like they're 'ready for marriage'. She asked "Can't you chill to see happens?" Ah, I think she has no idea the fitna she is exposing me to. Hah! She said "All this" paused "doesn't change how I feel about marriage. I really want it but similarly I don't" 

She has a point. I can't change how she feels. It's only her who can ultimately make a decision. I'm not going to force a situation or decision.We had a much more relaxed conversation, her sister-in law even spoke to me. It was pretty funny. Her sister in-law and cousins would tease her.

At this point me and GeetarHiro left for our break.

Upon returning last week we haven't really talked at all. I spoke to one of her very scarce, decent friends. This sister is such a genuine and sincere sister. She's known of me quite long but I had no idea she knew until as of recent. She's one of Aisha's best friends and she told me her take on it.

Firstly, she praised me on how patient I had been with Aisha, she said did not know of anyone who would hang around for someone like Aisha so patiently. She said I was one of the most humble, sincerest, thoughtful people that she had come across and that no one had a bad word to say of me. She said she cared about Aisha so much but she had to be honest. She said she knew I was good for her and lucky she was. As to why she had second thoughts - It baffled her. She said "Aisha is extremely confused as you know and very easily influenced."

She said "I spoke to Aisha yesterday and it seems like she's moved on. She feels like she can't handle the stress of marriage at this moment in time. Brother SoulSeek, I think you're a serious catch and Aisha knows it but I think it's time to maybe move on after some closure."

I'm at bit of loss here. We never really talked? When we last did we said we would continue on a positive note. I'm uncertain. Her family situation is starting to improve and I'm genuinely very happy for her. I don't want to come in between that and I think she's glad to be away from the serious marriage talk.I feel she needs to do this and sort herself out.

Where does that leave me? If things have truly ended. I have no qualms with moving on properly with clear intentions. But cutting contact? I ask myself what benefit would it provide staying in touch? I never keep in touch for a number of reason but this  one is different. Very different. It's someone I've benefited and learnt a lot from, someone that could provide a reference and someone that I've come to know and gain contacts from.

GeetarHiro provided me with another option. He said "Why don't you tell her that if and when she feels that's in a position to marry, to drop you a line to see if you're single. That way, you're not closing the book but you're not hanging onto it either. Keep your options open."

When I told her I had feelings, I told her I had wrote a personal account to help me see things clearly. She was intrigued. She asked me if she could read it. I said I would think about it. I now question if there is any benefit in considering to do so. 

I must seek some kind of closure. Do I just move on or consider GeetarHiro's approach?

I apologise it took so long to put this together. I had a very late night and spent the whole morning getting this together. As you can imagine, I've been keeping myself very busy, so I don't get caught up in getting distraught. Having to write about it has been an on-going challenge. I procrastinated to see how things would turn out. I had to oblige once I spoke to her friend. I thank each and every one of you for your support.

I pray that Allah make it easier for my fellow followers.

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 1

I had major difficulties in writing this entry. On many occasions, I had just stopped, not knowing how to continue. You can imagine how long this took to put together. I initially decided to leave this out. However, I felt there are some extremely important lessons for me to reflect upon. Especially for me in becoming this man I'm destined to be. Structuring a frenzied 8 months into an entry. There's a lot of details I have to leave out in order to post a consumable entry and to protect her. Recalling difficult events. Good and bad times. On the one girl that managed to penetrate my armour. I'm telling you now. I can't write or do this experience justice. But I'll try.

I just had to walk into the most complicated situation. After all, those words are synonymous to my life.

A battle of optimism over scepticism. A war of emotions. A playground of confusion.

Two popular people at University. Different people. Different experiences. Different pasts. Different Interests. Big personalities. Big feelings. Sharing a lot of mutual acquaintances and friends. Difficulties in communication.

Time to put the kettle on again. I've been here a long time, yours shouldn't be as long. I have put the pieces together as promised.

Aisha. I just have to smile whenever I mention her. A situation that I can't quite label. Bizarre or fate. Frustrating or funny. Heartbreaking or every one of them, you decide.

Intermission
It all began when I first met Aisha. Aisha got involved when a brother told me about Husna. In order to aid his efforts in helping me, he asked for Aisha's assistance to help me and Husna get in contact.

I was in the library when I was first introduced to her. When I first saw Aisha, there was a moment of silence in my head. "Why had I never seen this girl before?". She was dressed ever so modestly and she was ever so shy. That smile. Dammit. She asked me a few questions to get me in contact with Husna. You know that really guilty feeling of being human and liking someone? I think that just happened. I heard a lot about Husna but I just wanted to know more about Aisha. I spoke to the brother and I enquired about Aisha instead. He started laughing, he said she was one of the coolest sisters ever. He told me to make a decision between Aisha and Husna. How could I? I didn't know either of them. I had nothing to go off.

I had heard a lot about Husna. I heard she was this beautiful, elegant woman that possessed all those qualities guys would want in a wife. Aisha was different. Aisha was this really down to earth girl, who had recently come back to the deen with this personality, and this smile. A smile that made me smile. This one smile that complicated a situation. I later told her that her smile would eventually get her into a lot of trouble.

She would regularly ask if I had considered the situation with Husna more and if she could be of assistance. She did not know Husna very well as she was at a different University. She was 'just tryna help a brother out'. Bless her.

I decided to just ask around for basic information. Whilst in the quest of doing some research on them both I became acquainted with Aisha in the Islamic Society. I started to learn a lot about her. She was very different from a lot of girls. She had been through experiences that I could relate to. I felt like I understood her misfortune and pain.

I knew once I had made a decision that was it. After all, if things didn't work out, no one wanted to be second best. Right?

At the time I felt rather confused. Looks wise they were both beautiful in their own ways. Aisha stood out at first, she was someone I had seen in person. Different to what I usually like but that smile, ha. Husna, I could only go by her pictures. She was also beautiful but I think my preference lied with Aisha for some reason. I had to start making istikhara to make my intentions clear. Ah Allah. You always answer.

Aisha wrote an article about this young girls experience at University. The article was about a girl who went to uni and enjoyed all the little fun things girls do when they move away from home. Hanging out, shopping and just enjoying life. Something that became short lived until she lost someone very close to her. Due to that experience she felt like she had lost everything. Until she remembered something a friend told her. She had turned to Allah in desperation and that's where her journey had begun. This girl went to Umrah and made a new clean start.

That article was about Aisha. Call it intuition but I always felt like that story was about her. When she told me. I asked her about who had died? She said no one died. That only led to one answer. A past relationship. For me, that was my istikhara answered.

I had never been in a past relationship and in my mindset, I've always wanted someone of a similar calibre. Somewhat understandable . .  right?

This is where the chapter of Husna had begun. (More here).

After things didn't work out and I remember when I first saw Husna. She had this presence like no other woman. I didn't realise how beautiful she was in person. I think my feelings just took a beatdown like Mosley got from Mayweather (Ouch!!)

When things ended with Husna. You guessed it . . Aisha was on my mind. I had sat down and carefully contemplated what had happened. I thought to myself "What if, this whole time Husna was just another experience to help me realise what I want?". I was right. Husna had some beautiful qualities, without a shadow of doubt, a bit too textbook. But Aisha . . she was real. She had a lot of faults but she had some many qualities I admired.

I thought to myself how on earth could I approach Aisha now? Surely this felt wrong. Wrong by whose standard though? I contemplated. And I contemplated some more. It took over a month to work things out.

Aisha's situation was volatile. I remember her once telling me she was going to give in to her parents and just get married from back home 'cause her friend had convinced her. Alarm bells started ringing in my head. Yup, yup . . you know what pursued next! I felt like if I didn't do anything now, nothing would happen. What was I thinking?

I asked to have a few minutes with her in the library before an event. My heart was beating at an illegal speed. I remember and I remember well. That smile creeped up. That damn smile! I forgot almost everything I wanted to say. I started of by telling her how she had been open and transparent with me, it would only be fair if I did the same from a prospective of being honest. I then said to her . . . "Yo sister, is your dad a terrorist? Cause you da bomb!"

Sorry, I joke haha! (At my own jokes, I know - terrible!). I've always just wanted to say that.

I asked her if she'd consider the idea of marriage if I were to propose my intentions to her. I obviousl

Allow me to define the word shock:-

– noun

A sudden and violent blow or impact; collision.

A sudden violent blow . . That sounds about right. This girl just froze in front of me. She was like "Is that Saddam Hussein on the documentary?" on a TV behind me. I started laughing thinking "oh my god". The randomness just threw me completely off guard. It took her a few minutes to compose herself. She was like but you and Husna? She knew that things didn't work out a few weeks prior but she asked again. She seriously did not know what to say. I told her to think about it and away we went to the event.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. She still could not believe it. At all.

She responded a few days on by asking me to be patient with her.

The tale is about to begin y'all :)

And So It Begun
At face value I thought this girl was simple. Boy was I in for a treat.

Her situation was something I cannot share but I can tell you it was a very, very unfortunate and unique situation. You know you hear about some people and you think "Subhaanallah!" and then "rather you than me". Aye, that was her. She had oppressive parents, really unfortunate circumstances and no one who could be her mahram to help us. I set out to find out more about her reality before I could help her.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. "Seriously, what does a guy like you see in me?". And a flurry of similar questions. One day at University in the evening, it was very quiet. She said she wanted to ask me something, I thought it was just a query or quick question. She laid out everything on the table. She freestyled for a long time. I paid attention and listened carefully. She confided and told me things that most would not tell their best friends. A lot of questions arose. One after another.

"A lot of my friends really like you, you'd be better suited to someone more pious."
"You can do so much better."
"You're in a completely different league. A real intellectual."
"I've got a lot of problems."

And so on. That didn't stop me at all. She continued. After hearing what she had been through, she broke into tears and started to cover her face with her hijaab.

I think my heart just sunk. I was helpless. Useless. I always have something to say or do to make someone feel better but I could do nothing. I really didn't know what to do. That feeling, that feeling of just wanting to hug someone. I had to move my chair back. I really didn't expect this. She started apologising. I told her to take her time. I had to leave her until she composed herself. This was definitely one of those situations in making the best of a very dire situation.

She continued. "This is what I mean, I'm broken." She told me to walk away as I had no idea what I was walking into. I'll be honest. I could have walked into an easier situation. But I didn't. Why accept easy when it can be challenging?

The next day she apologised for displaying so many insecurities and shouldn't have told me of the things she did. I assured her it wasn't a problem. My respect for her had grown.

The First Strike - Lack Of Compatibility
Aisha. A young woman who had had no intention of getting married any time soon, who had put very little thought into something that seemed so distant. As great as it sounded, she feared the idea. Aisha became very, very confused.

Her friends didn't make matters easier. You know the type. Some find joy in clubbing whilst others religiously watch eastenders. This was not going to be an easy task. This became a frustration quickly. They were telling her some really ignorant things of how things 'should be'. Catch 21 situation. Whilst they are her friends and she should keep better company. That wasn't the issue. Practising muslim sisters were not better company. All the back-biting and rumours they were spreading about brothers and sisters in University, the hypocrisy was just as bad. I just had to accept that I had a lot of work ahead of me. 

I gained some references that confused me too. She did something questionable. Something that hurt me but I was unable to confirm this in order to protect the one person she spoke to. I was advised she was lovely girl but extremely confused. Due to this, my attitude towards her had changed. I became difficult. As time progressed we started to become frustrated with each other. We were on a completely different level. She started to become uncomfortable around me.

I made a big mistake. I started to compare her to Husna. I became really lost. I had feelings for her but I felt like she could offer me nothing. I felt like I was doing all the work. I knew what I wanted. She had no idea.

Over a short amount of time. Matter got progressively worse. She sent me an email saying she felt we were both incompatible and that she was in no position to consider marriage. She felt the experience had encouraged her to think more about her future.

It was over.

First Husna and now her. I felt like a truck just crushed me. If I could talk of the external issues paired up with how I got completely shafted at University. Ah, I had a lot to be sad about. It was a very difficult time. This one cheerful character was slowly letting his smile down.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail" - Benjamin Franklin

Had it not been for Islam. I think I would have broke. By nature, words like defeat have no place in my life. However, sometimes we choose to accept it when the going gets tough. Establishing Salah 5 times a day and keep faith in Allah whilst things are going good or bad is when perseverance takes place. Regardless of how I felt, I've always had to fulfil my obligations. For:

“How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to his Lord and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” - [Muslim]

Islam is truly like no other when calamity befalls a person. Allah tests a believer with just about what he can handle. It's quite amazing really. He helps those in need. Yet he also tests them. I just about hanged in there. The gym paired up with very heavy weights seriously helps with that rage that builds up. Alhamdulillah, I wasn't prepared to fail any time soon.

Whilst I could justify all my actions. I felt like things could have ended better. There were still a lot of frustrations, feelings and loose ends in the air. I wanted some kind of closure. I arranged to speak with her.

When we got the opportunity to do so. All those frustrated feelings I had about her? Vanished. I don't know how but they did.

We talked and we come to the conclusion that because of how we were introduced and how things went, it made the situation extremely uncomfortable. How could we find out if we were compatible if we never got the opportunity to work things out?

We agreed to leave the whole marriage thing on the back burner and leave it til after University.

Yeah right . . like that was going to happen!

The Second Strike - No Chemistry
Overcoming the 'awkwardness' was very difficult. Things always felt awkward around her. We could never talk like we did. But we tried. Whenever I would see her, I would start to act a little weird and I would become this really reserved character. She would do the same. From this outspoken character to a quiet blushing boy. It was funny, the 2 brothers that knew would tease me with that ever so annoying "awwww".

I had a lot of personal problems and questions I needed to overcome. Like whether a past relationship was really a problem for me? Seeing past certain issues that I cannot go into. I was really stuck. By default I talked to a lot of people. Portraying scenarios so that I may learn a thing or two. I had a lot of conflicting answers. I was on the fence.

Whenever we used to talk it always revolved around her problems. I was always more than happy to help to anyone in need and I helped her a lot. Whilst in this process I started to nitpick and find a lot of things I disliked in her how she did things. The lack of patience with matters and so on. Did I forget she was human? Did I also forget she was trying?

I was looking for reasons of why this shouldn't work. With that very clever dude helping you called Shaitaan, boy . . it's an easy game to play. I felt like I had no reason to pursue this.

We were both at a stage where we denied feelings for each other. I was doubting if she liked me.

The whole 'lack of chemistry' became overused.

We initially said to leave the situation after University. But we somehow went down that path of talking about compatibility. We felt chemistry was something that came naturally. We both used it as an excuse.

I wanted some kind of closure. I felt overwhelmed and under pressure for a number of reasons. She was also under a lot of pressure too. We really knew how to shoot each other and ourselves in the foot. Oh, say hello to the tippin point!

We left things for a while. I did a lot of thinking and I felt that I really didn't want to her workload/problems - If anything, I wanted to remove the one pressure that I could. Me. Despite all the things that had happened. I had a lot of feelings for this girl. I would never do anything to jeopardise or compromise a situation for her. I had to resort to the one entity where I knew I could seek guidance. Allah. I did istikhara. Here is the decision that: I Made.

I took up the plan. Alhamdulillah. I told Aisha about the confused feelings I had. Also how Husna appeared in my dream, How awkward! I told her my thoughts on how both of our istikhara's could have meant that we were not meant to be. I also told her I did not feel the way I used to. We were both good people but just not for each other. I also found her difficult to understand and there was no incentive to persevere.

She said she could not honestly find a fault within me. And I deserved far better. She also felt she wasted a lot of my time. Experience is never a waste Aisha. Never.

A weight was off my shoulders. The Husna Revisited episode had begun.

As I had just cleared up the Husna issue.

Aisha told me she had feelings for me.

That changed everything. Ev-er-ry-thing.

Part 2

Husna Revisited

Remember the plan? What plan? Come on guys, ya know: this one!

I proceeded with the plan and its pretty funny how things work out. Funny now, because I can only look back and move forward.

I contacted Husna and laid out everything on the table. I shared my thoughts and told her how how I felt. I shared how these weren't just emotional feelings after a bollywood special. This was something serious. I explained how I was making a stand for something I believed and what I wanted. (Sounds good, right?)

Que the wait . . the anticipation of waiting for a response was a killer! Her response was as follows. She was really shocked and it took her a while to sink in and she shared similar sentiments BUT (there's always that damn but) whilst she felt we got on really well and had similar future goals her issue was familiy. Now this is where I'm profoundly confused.

She said how things didn't go ahead because her parents felt uncomfortable, she took that as a sign from Allah. She said she felt she shouldn't have to persuade her family because if there is blessing in it, Allah will make it easy.

Now I'm not the smartest guy but I completely disagree! If something is by the decree of Allah (i.e this situation) it doesn't always fall into place. You have to work for your rizq (provisions).

So I asked her a few questions and I received a response. Unfortunately she really didn't want to see outside of the box and gave no indication of wanting it to work.

So there you have it. The chapter of Husna has been closed. I have so much respect for her and I pray Allah finds her someone equally as decent.

How did I feel? A strange feeling.You know how I carried out the first part of the plan? I thought it worked until Aisha struck a chord back. Conveniently just as I was responding to Husna. She didn't accept things this time. She fought back. She changed my feelings for her.

Aisha's story is by far the most compelling experience to date. This girl is special in a very different way. I'm having difficulties in writing an entry for this one. I never thought I would encounter that problem.

Females, you are interesting creatures.

Freedom

Assalaamu Alaikum my cronies, long time! 

I walked out of my last exam and this is how I felt:

Freeeeeeeedommmm!!!

It is the end of an epiiiiiiiiiic era. I really can't believe it. The feeling hasn't quite sunk in yet, I'm still celebrating with the joys of finishing Uni and the company of brothers. We've been through some crazy times together. Good and Bad. I don't think I would have quite made it without key characters I've met in my journey. They've helped me see things more clearly especially when it came to the biggest headache of a single muslims' life; marriage. Throughout the whole year we've all been there for each other with failure. Alhamdulillah . . I love brotherhood! All those missions of hanging out with the brothers til 7am talking about Islam and helping each other. Crazy times indeed. They've been there for me during exam stress, girl issues, last minute dissertation proof reading panics and so many other ventures. Ah, may Allah bless each and every one of them with beautiful wives and children.

This year of University was by far the most testing year I've had in my life.I've never had so much attention from girls and I've never had so many offers to consider. It has been an extremely confusing yet strangely, an educating time. News to me, apparently I picked up the nickname pretty boy amongst 'sisters'. As you can imagine . . that in itself is a price to pay. Girls talk. And they make up a lot of stories too. Alhamdulillah, Allah protects those whom he loves and my reputation precedes itself so any rumours have died wherever they spawned from.

I just can't believe how much I have learnt this year. A very different experience.

Its kind of hit me. Like seriously . . where do I go from here? I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted be a year ago. I still have a good idea . . but it's quite scary when you actually have to make a decision!

Ultimately as humans our experiences help shape our future. The people we should be. Who sets that criteria? You. I'm still finding my purpose and what I can achieve. The sky is the limit.

This chapter of my life is coming to close and new a one begins. Oh my days! I'm growing up and becoming one of them dreaded things - A MAN!!! 

So where does marriage come into this? Boy . . lol. Deep breath. You know what? Stick around. I've got a lot to say ;) 

Just had to share this :)

Exam times are almost here, still have so much work to do! The Aisha and Husna tail just got a little more interesting to say the least. I really didn't see this coming!

In the mean time, I just had to share this - I can't stop listening it. It's so beautiful! ^_^





يارفيق الدرب إني أذكر الفضل وأثني

My soul mate I remember your kindness and send you praise.

إنها لحظات شكرا وأمتنان لك مني

These are moments of gratitude for you..

كم حملت الهم عني عندما كلت يميني

For endless times you have held my back when I was down.

ولكم آزرتني في أمر دنياي وديني

And supported me in life matters as well in religion.

إنما يجنى الهدى من صحبت الخل الأميني من يسر في الروض يستنشق عبير الياسميني

Be hold the faithful mate to gain the guidance
for who walks in the garden smells the fragrance of jasmine

يوزن المرء بمن صاحب وأختار وليا وأنا أخترتك فازدت رقيا ورقيا

One is known by whom he chooses
I chose you and become a better person

أنت لي نبع من الإخلاص يبقى أبديا لم أزل أحمد ربي أن لي خلا وفيا

an eternal steam of faithfulness you are
and I still praise Allah for such a true mate

The Awkward Moment

The plan was initiated and carried out. I'm glad I had the patience I did whilst it was executed. Alhamdulillah. I did things to the best of my ability.

I have received responses from both Aisha and Husna. Things have taken a twist that I didn't expect. I am being tested. Its these tests where free-will is exercised and the decree from Allah is then set into motion.

Husna. Ah Husna. You don't fail to impress. Very intelligent. However, I disagree that "If Allah wanted this to work he would have made it easy". Tell me something. Do we have to work for our provisions? Of course we do. Things don't fall into place, it requires work and effort. I also disagree with a few other fundamental points. My response to Husna was that I would respond to her thoughts in a couple of weeks when my thoughts were more clearer as it's that time of the academic year.

The Awkward Moment

Standing at the front with them two watching you - eeeeeeeeeeeeek! 

I had to chair an event. There were a lot of sisters. Aisha was present. Whilst preparing my notes just before the event, one of my closest brothers gave me a heads up:

"Don't panic but Husna is here"
Good joke.
"Seriously"
Don't do this to me!
"Bro, I'm Sorry but you're awesome, chill!"
Why are you sorry? Haha - Okay breatheee SoulSeek, breathe!!!

I really needed that for last minute preparations! I'm confident and I have the ability to speak publically. But boy, my heart started to race. It felt so bizarre and difficult to maintain a confident smile.

In the corner of my eye, I saw 'that' Abaya I last saw her in. I just couldn't look to confirm if it was her, I felt so shy and my face was flush. I had to maintain eye contact with key brothers, so I placed a few guys strategically within the audience. I'm such a badass!

Whilst I was talking. Within my peripheral vision; that one distinctive Abaya . . . got up and left.

I have to presume she didn't leave because of me. Her email really didn't reflect that, at all.

Plan B is now in operation after I hand in my dissertation. What is plan B? That will come in time, my precious.

Ya Allah glorify me with the patience and wisdom to make a good, and fair decision so that I may benefit in this World and the life-after. Ameen.

I thank Allah I'm not in your position!

That's what a brother said to me. We laughed and laughed. How did I get into the rut that I'm in?

It's a blessing

You'll find my next few entries fairly bizarre. It will be like memento. I'll be back tracing back to the original story.

Lets drop a few names. The current girl is 'Aisha' and the amazing prospect was 'Husna'.

I've been trying really hard with the current potentional, Aisha. She has some really exceptional circumstances that I can't even begin to explain.

I always find that whenever I'm in a difficult position. I submit to Allah and seek his help and wisdom. I recently did istikharaa regarding this girl as we needed to come to some kind of decision of where we stood.

When I did istikhara nothing happened. At Fajr I begged Allah to send me a sign. In my dream. I didn't see her. I saw an old friend. I was laughing and playing in the park. I also saw 'An Amazing Prospect She Was' (Husna). She had this smile. The shy kind.

I realise that these could just be feelings that I've had. With the information that I'm presented with; I must take action.

I would never give up on anyone. I will always give them the rights and respect that they're due regardless of their nature or past. However this situation has really ran its course and I know what I must do.

The Plan

1) Honesty is the best policy. I have to tell Aisha about everything. All the difficulties we've encountered are way beyond us. We've both tried so hard but we're not seeing a connection that we want. Its come to the realisation that we're both decent people but not for each other.

2) Once #1 has been accomplished. I must attempt to get in touch with Husna. Tell her about what has happened. Lay all my cards out on the table. Give it one last shot. Sometimes we've gotta do what we can for the things that we believe in.

Best case scenario: Husna is willing to try again. Worst case scenario: Nothing happens.

What does that do for me? It closes both chapters; just in time for the summer :-)

The Tippin' Point

Discomfort and pain. Ah I know you guys. You're here to mess me up. Not doing a bad job at all me hearties!

These past 4 months have been very difficult. I have never had to deal with these kind of emotions. I've never dealt with another potential so soon.

The situation is more complex than the theory of quantum physics. It's extremely confusing and strange.

Words cannot describe how much I've tried. My patience is really being tested.

I have never been so exposed and out of my comfort zone.

This is good. I don't think I could have learnt what I have - For years to come; but it's a heft price to pay when it comes to emotions. Emotions that can either make you or break you.

I've never been one to quit. I've somehow managed to make it again?

Say hello to paper. Paper will now be my new friend!

Something so simple, has given me that dose of chill. I just attended tafsir class with the comfort knowing sooner or later something good will come out of all this heartache.

I'm still in pain. Chin up. Smile.

Thank you ya rabb.