That Feeling

That feeling when you feel like you're weak. After being so strong.
That feeling when everything is really good. It turns sour. 
That feeling when you prepare for hardship. It comes. You laugh at it IN THE FACE. Then it comes with something minor and you lose.

I'm frustrated. I want to explain. I will. The next 3 nights will be on their way. I've been busy. I've travelled so much, I'm tired physically and exhausted mentally. I'll post when I get the time to. 

I haven't rested over the weekend. My body is pain. Sore throat. I need to be up in 3 hours for fajr and work a contracted job all day for the whole week. My brain needs to be in tip top condition for my field. It isn't. Bleh.

Shaitaan is having a field day with my mind. I'm disappointed with myself. After all that I've been through. I should be so much stronger. In this self-reflection stage. I lost some beautiful qualities I had. I need to sort it. I need to sort me. ASAP.

Human. Feeble creature I am.

I will be occupied this week. This is good.
I will be training hard this week. Keep my mind off things.
I will meet more company this week. I need to loosen up. Can't let that smile go away.
I will turn my situation around. I'm confident. Or deal with it. A conclusion.
Tafsir classes every night this week. Understanding Allah. Ward off waswasa (whispers of Shaitaan).
I'm cleaning up my diet again. Enforce routine and habits.

Pain. I remember you. Go away. That is all.

Allah. I've never lost faith. EVER.

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And Then There Was. . . . NINE!

I thought getting over Aisha wouldn't prove to be very difficult. I wrong. Very wrong. I had too many how and why questions come up but I really didn't know. One fact that I did know, is that it happened. I had to accept it, and deal with it. Oh, move on too. 

We share a lot of mutual contacts/friends, so her name would always pop up somewhere. I just kept being reminded of her. It was starting to bug me. I tried detach myself of all emotions and feelings. I started to get somewhere.

Since June options had started to surface. I felt quite bitter about everything related to marriage. I just did. I didn't want to pursue anyone. I heard about a few girls interested but I just let it be.

I had told myself that I would now officially be 'riding this single crap out'. (T-shirt material! Hah)

In our lives we're sent with difficulties. At times I felt like I was my threshold kept being broke with something more severe. The whole marriage process just didn't compliment my reality.

So, I gave up on the whole idea of marriage. Lost the complete drive for it. Walking in the streets seeing girls smiling. Muslims and Non-Muslims. My response? Devoid of any feelings or emotions. It was here it hit me. I was lost. Really lost. 10 months ago I was this guy that was Confident. Intelligent. Laid back. Determined. Helpful. Humorous. Full of so much positive energy and hope. With a smile that would make most peoples' day. The majority of that had just sunk.

I've always been regular with my prayer, dawah and classes. They keep me in check, so I can never skimp on them. Whether or not we like it suffering is a part of life. Friends were there but there are times you just don't want to talk. This was one of them. I turned to that one deity I knew best. Allah. Nothing happened for a long time. Things were becoming progressively more difficult. I had to keep my cool, when you become worked up, it doesn't make a situation easier. 

We verily created man and We know what his soul whispereth to him, and We are nearer to him than his jugular vein. [Surah Qhaf:V16]

I kept patient. And more patient. Now check this out.

The opportunity for Umrah arises. I take it without thinking about it. Time to reset myself and reflect on what had happened. 5 weeks. Perfect and beautiful. 

I come back from Umrah. I see smiling faces. Hundreds of them. Friends and family so happy and proud of me. I looked after a number of old people including my two mothers (mum and aunty). They're all so thankful and full of duas.

I graduate too. The only guy to make it from our family. A big, big deal. Again, so many people proud and happy for me.

"You've accomplished a lot for your age. When are you taking the next big step. Marriage?" Almost everyone would ask a question along these lines. Ah, yes. I remember you. The one thing I used to be psyched up about. Well I wasn't feeling so hot about it. I'd always respond with something as short as "Insha'Allah".

One sister contacted me. 'There's this sister who's been on your case for months but I knew you didn't want to consider anyone but she wants a response.' This sister masha'Allah had a lot going for her. Masters degree in Arabic, meant to be nice etc. And I felt that I couldn't consider her. For a number of issues at that moment in time.

I was surprised to find that I had a number of proposals/potentials lined up. There was 9. That's right 9. A very mixed bag of sweets. From a niqaabi/alima to a non-hijaabi. There would have been more on my plate but I managed to convince my teachers that now wasn't the best time.

My sister caught wind of this and so did my friends. I got hell of a blasting all round.

And they all said something similar.

"Allah (swt) may provide you with something good. And that opportunity may never rise again."

I had no come back. Because it's true. They were also right. Who gets 9 in this day and age? 

I found answers. In a good financial position. I know better than before what I want. I am becoming better than that guy 10 months ago. So what's stopping me?

Nothing.

Drum rolls please! 

I had to start again. I know how I ended up in the position I was and that will not happen again. A surge full of energy. I was returning. Better and stronger than before. More mature. Responsible. All the things I used to be 10 months ago, plus more. 

Turn your wounds into wisdom. [Oprah Winfrey]

So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected. 

The Tippin' Point

Discomfort and pain. Ah I know you guys. You're here to mess me up. Not doing a bad job at all me hearties!

These past 4 months have been very difficult. I have never had to deal with these kind of emotions. I've never dealt with another potential so soon.

The situation is more complex than the theory of quantum physics. It's extremely confusing and strange.

Words cannot describe how much I've tried. My patience is really being tested.

I have never been so exposed and out of my comfort zone.

This is good. I don't think I could have learnt what I have - For years to come; but it's a heft price to pay when it comes to emotions. Emotions that can either make you or break you.

I've never been one to quit. I've somehow managed to make it again?

Say hello to paper. Paper will now be my new friend!

Something so simple, has given me that dose of chill. I just attended tafsir class with the comfort knowing sooner or later something good will come out of all this heartache.

I'm still in pain. Chin up. Smile.

Thank you ya rabb.