Fourth Night Of The Decision

I recently bought a new phone. Whenever I buy a phone, it's usually a top end phone. Something that will last me years. Good craftmanship. Good vendor. Good developer community for the software/apps, so on and so forth. It takes me a while to make an informed decision. I have to gather facts and information to ensure I'm making a good decison. The right decision. It took me 7 weeks to get the phone I wanted, with the best deal to suit my needs. That's me. And I have issues. Hi :-/

Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.

I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.

Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.

Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.

There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.

I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.

Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.

I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(

I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes. 

To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.

Night four of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.

Third Night Of The Decision

Last week it was the first time I had been angry for a very long time. I'm always cool. But someone's irresponsible behaviour pressed my buttons for a few hours. It was late, I was tired and my tolerance was low. I was getting ready for bed. She wanted to speak about something. It was then we had our very first argument.

It was heated. It was late. We didn't understand each other. She said something she didn't mean. Stuff like this sets the precedent. so we talked about it the next day and we both came the conclusion that we both messed up. Kinda cute. Lol.

Note to self: Never talk important stuff at night. 

After the argument she started questioning if she was even ready for marriage stemming on from a question I asked her. Then another silly conversation took place. She said a lot of silly things.

The next morning I found the following message..

"I've been making lots of dua and I will continue to do so. Soulseek, the magnitude of my reaction was only due to the fact that I have never come this close to something so good. I know we would be right for each other in my head. I know I would make you happy, this has only made me respect you more. Lets both reconsider and make dua with this in mind. I really feel lucky that you have this much patience with me. I'm not this melodramatic often but I can imagine how that made you cautious. The last thing I want to do is lose such an amazing opportunity because of how I was feeling temporarily."

When I was gaining a reference on her, I spoke to her best friend. She has to be one of the most straight down, ghetto sisters I've come across. She was gangster. I remember her opening line when I spoke to her "Brother, I'm going to be very straight up with you. Yes, she is my best friend but I have an Islamic obligation to answer any queries you have without much bias, if I'm able to do so. So shoot."

One thing her friend said to me that struck a chord. "Brother, I know it's none of my business and I don't know you but I just want to say continue doing whatever you are. I've seen mature traits in her that I've never seen in her before. In front of the girls when we talk about the guys she always used to talk. About you? We've heard nothing. I'm her best friend and she told me nothing. I think this is a testament to the kind of brother she's in talks with. Keep it up. I'd really like to meet you someday if it works out insha'Allah."

Night Three
I managed to speak to her. I told her about my reservations. She explained straight away why I had them. I don't think I gave this girl quite enough credit for her intelligence. She's a smart cookie. I've brought a couple of problems to her and I like her style. She uses a lot of references with my jokes. I can see her trying. Even with things she's not interested in. She listens. Then again, women do far out talk men, so I keep an open ear. You pick up a lot about a person by just listening. I've heard her laugh. I've heard her make (cheap) jokes. I've heard her rant. I've heard her offer solutions. I've heard talk about how she made that cheesecake.

I've learnt a lot.

I've been thinking about both possibilities of this working out and not working out. I remember she once said to me in a general conversation that "You don't appreciate what you have, until you lose it." She's right. I think I would miss her. She's quite special.

This is why after this period. Once I'm certain. She's may find out how special she is. If it works out.

Night three of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Positive. Yet undecided. 

Second Night Of The Decision

I've been thinking about this all day.

I don't know why but I feel weird. It's not a positive weird either. I think I need to speak to her.

Night two of Istikhara. Done.

Status: Confused.

First Night Of The Decision

The first potential ever to make it to my house took place on Sunday afternoon. We've had a number of meets but it was the first one that SoulSeek's family got to invite and consider.

Everyone was around. Majority of my siblings, my sister in law, nieces. Lots of nice food was prepared. Bukhoor was lit and could be smelt everywhere. The house was very clean. Even my bedroom was picture perfect.

I know I have a lot of gaps to fill and I promise I will. I've wrote up posts but I'll drop them at a later date.

Brief Summary. Considered a sister I didn't want to. My mind was set on someone else. However, I was persuaded to check this girl out. I like a quick challenge. Thought I would give it a try, filter a quick application. Got to know her. She turns out to be much better than I imagined. I became a bit fishy, it felt too easy. No pain or discomfort like usual. Lots of chemistry. We have a few meets with my sister. I grow to really like the girl. Just looking at the girl I can see feels the same way. Things progress quickly and family's meet. Girl gets hit by reality "OMG, I'm going to be leaving my life. This is scary." She wants to rethink this very important decision. I have a few doubts of my own to deal with. I suggest we do istikharaa for 7 nights.

The format. I will be writing a post every day, for the next 7 days. I'm currently on a break from communicating with my potential spouse. We both want to spend this time with ourselves and Allah to make sure we're making the right decision.

Here's a log of me doing that.

Night One
I don't have to worry about me as a person. She adores me. Her family really likes me. I tick all her criterias plus more. They think have I have really good akhlaq, deen, personality, way of thinking, full of hobbies and interests and a good family. Educated with high aspirations. "Good looking and athletic". Respectful. Has a mind of his own. Full of leadership qualities. Their words. Her parents had given me permission to communicate.

On her part. She's reconsidering to see if she's actually ready for marriage. Nerves have hit her. It's cool. She's leaving her life to join mine. It's hard. Being an emotional creature too. This isn't about me. It's about her.


On my part. Hah, I'm SoulSeek and I can and analyse a situation all day long. But lets take things at face value. A few doubts popped up on my end.

She's attractive but I have reservations if I'm really attracted to her. I am but sometimes that changes. My mother and sisters liked her but they felt I could do so much better in that department (of looks) given what had now become 11 potential prospects. I turned the volume down to ask how I feel. After all, family would always say that.

She is *that kind of woman*. Her nafsiyya and inclination towards islam is pretty much similar to mine. That's that sorted. I want to strip a few things  from her. Lets take away her deen and looks. I want to view her as a person with just a personality. 

She has a good, kind heart. She's scared to say no in order to please people.Whilst she has a number of deadlines, she's been doing work for other people. I like and dislike this at the same time. She teaches children Qur'an and Arabic. She wants to give back to the community. I really like that. I believe we all have an obligation. For every chav or messed up muslim youth out there. There's a responsibility. What did we do to help that individual? 

She's cute. A number of adorable qualities. She strikes me as a person that would do things to please me. When we went to their house, the night before I said I'd like a Strawberry Cheesecake. And that's what I got. Handmade. "With extra love."

She was raised as an only child. Had a few events unfold in her life. She needs attention. I've found her to be quite clingy.

Weird sense of humour. I get her humour which she finds rare but she's gonna have to keep up with mine. We do make each other laugh. Her jokes are so lame at times, I do find it funny.

Emotional. At my house, we were in my second living room. Her mother was present whilst mine went to make wudu for Salah. Whilst we were talking, I noticed her eyes watering up and tears starting to come down. "Heeey, what's up?" I said. "I don't know why I feel confused, just feel really weird." Gosh, what am I supposed to think? Her mother noticed this too and gave a "I'm going to have words with you" kind of look. She told me the night before because of her relationship with her mother, she's really scared of leaving her. Just an outburst of "this is very real."

Night one of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Undecided.

And Then There Was. . . . NINE!

I thought getting over Aisha wouldn't prove to be very difficult. I wrong. Very wrong. I had too many how and why questions come up but I really didn't know. One fact that I did know, is that it happened. I had to accept it, and deal with it. Oh, move on too. 

We share a lot of mutual contacts/friends, so her name would always pop up somewhere. I just kept being reminded of her. It was starting to bug me. I tried detach myself of all emotions and feelings. I started to get somewhere.

Since June options had started to surface. I felt quite bitter about everything related to marriage. I just did. I didn't want to pursue anyone. I heard about a few girls interested but I just let it be.

I had told myself that I would now officially be 'riding this single crap out'. (T-shirt material! Hah)

In our lives we're sent with difficulties. At times I felt like I was my threshold kept being broke with something more severe. The whole marriage process just didn't compliment my reality.

So, I gave up on the whole idea of marriage. Lost the complete drive for it. Walking in the streets seeing girls smiling. Muslims and Non-Muslims. My response? Devoid of any feelings or emotions. It was here it hit me. I was lost. Really lost. 10 months ago I was this guy that was Confident. Intelligent. Laid back. Determined. Helpful. Humorous. Full of so much positive energy and hope. With a smile that would make most peoples' day. The majority of that had just sunk.

I've always been regular with my prayer, dawah and classes. They keep me in check, so I can never skimp on them. Whether or not we like it suffering is a part of life. Friends were there but there are times you just don't want to talk. This was one of them. I turned to that one deity I knew best. Allah. Nothing happened for a long time. Things were becoming progressively more difficult. I had to keep my cool, when you become worked up, it doesn't make a situation easier. 

We verily created man and We know what his soul whispereth to him, and We are nearer to him than his jugular vein. [Surah Qhaf:V16]

I kept patient. And more patient. Now check this out.

The opportunity for Umrah arises. I take it without thinking about it. Time to reset myself and reflect on what had happened. 5 weeks. Perfect and beautiful. 

I come back from Umrah. I see smiling faces. Hundreds of them. Friends and family so happy and proud of me. I looked after a number of old people including my two mothers (mum and aunty). They're all so thankful and full of duas.

I graduate too. The only guy to make it from our family. A big, big deal. Again, so many people proud and happy for me.

"You've accomplished a lot for your age. When are you taking the next big step. Marriage?" Almost everyone would ask a question along these lines. Ah, yes. I remember you. The one thing I used to be psyched up about. Well I wasn't feeling so hot about it. I'd always respond with something as short as "Insha'Allah".

One sister contacted me. 'There's this sister who's been on your case for months but I knew you didn't want to consider anyone but she wants a response.' This sister masha'Allah had a lot going for her. Masters degree in Arabic, meant to be nice etc. And I felt that I couldn't consider her. For a number of issues at that moment in time.

I was surprised to find that I had a number of proposals/potentials lined up. There was 9. That's right 9. A very mixed bag of sweets. From a niqaabi/alima to a non-hijaabi. There would have been more on my plate but I managed to convince my teachers that now wasn't the best time.

My sister caught wind of this and so did my friends. I got hell of a blasting all round.

And they all said something similar.

"Allah (swt) may provide you with something good. And that opportunity may never rise again."

I had no come back. Because it's true. They were also right. Who gets 9 in this day and age? 

I found answers. In a good financial position. I know better than before what I want. I am becoming better than that guy 10 months ago. So what's stopping me?

Nothing.

Drum rolls please! 

I had to start again. I know how I ended up in the position I was and that will not happen again. A surge full of energy. I was returning. Better and stronger than before. More mature. Responsible. All the things I used to be 10 months ago, plus more. 

Turn your wounds into wisdom. [Oprah Winfrey]

So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected. 

I thank Allah I'm not in your position!

That's what a brother said to me. We laughed and laughed. How did I get into the rut that I'm in?

It's a blessing

You'll find my next few entries fairly bizarre. It will be like memento. I'll be back tracing back to the original story.

Lets drop a few names. The current girl is 'Aisha' and the amazing prospect was 'Husna'.

I've been trying really hard with the current potentional, Aisha. She has some really exceptional circumstances that I can't even begin to explain.

I always find that whenever I'm in a difficult position. I submit to Allah and seek his help and wisdom. I recently did istikharaa regarding this girl as we needed to come to some kind of decision of where we stood.

When I did istikhara nothing happened. At Fajr I begged Allah to send me a sign. In my dream. I didn't see her. I saw an old friend. I was laughing and playing in the park. I also saw 'An Amazing Prospect She Was' (Husna). She had this smile. The shy kind.

I realise that these could just be feelings that I've had. With the information that I'm presented with; I must take action.

I would never give up on anyone. I will always give them the rights and respect that they're due regardless of their nature or past. However this situation has really ran its course and I know what I must do.

The Plan

1) Honesty is the best policy. I have to tell Aisha about everything. All the difficulties we've encountered are way beyond us. We've both tried so hard but we're not seeing a connection that we want. Its come to the realisation that we're both decent people but not for each other.

2) Once #1 has been accomplished. I must attempt to get in touch with Husna. Tell her about what has happened. Lay all my cards out on the table. Give it one last shot. Sometimes we've gotta do what we can for the things that we believe in.

Best case scenario: Husna is willing to try again. Worst case scenario: Nothing happens.

What does that do for me? It closes both chapters; just in time for the summer :-)

An amazing prospect she was

 

  

"And We created everything in pairs that perhaps you might take heed." [Qur'an 51:49]

Allah (swt) has a brilliant sense of a humour. Subhan'Allah just reflecting back, he really does test the believer in ways that we can look back and smile. I love you Allah. You are my sustainer and master of the universe. I bear witness there is none worthy of worship except you.

A number of months back I had a number of potentials available. It was a very busy time at uni along with with Islamic commitments. I turned to istikharaa and it lead me down this route. A route of meeting a very precious diamond.

A quick background; her parents were of a very academic background, daddy's only baby girl, very pious and the most intelligent woman I've had the pleasure of engaging with. A year younger than me.

From the very start we set the precedence of informing our parents so they were completely aware of our intentions and communication. All halal. Things moved fast. Really fast. This girl really tested me. Lets just say I've never answered so many questions in my life. Think hundreds of questions. I was very impressed. Alhamdulillah. Things were going extremely well. We hit a few hurdles but I'm firm believer in where there is a will there's always a way.

We came extremely far in such a short period of time. There were a number of people on the ground whom we referred to for istisha'raa (consultation of those we trust). We both gained extremely positive/pious references. Every aspect for marriage checked out. Personalities/Piety/Backgrounds etc

She was extremely tight knit with her parents which I really admired and respected. However, this meant her decisions were heavily influenced by her parents.

Long story short her father said it probably wasn't a good idea in us getting married. He felt our families wouldn't be compatible. Fine, I accept that but I didn't even get the opportunity to meet with them in person nor did they mine.

Me being me, I always try to the best of my abilities. I wrote the father a letter and I addressed his concerns but it seems like there was no basis for his decision. He told me his references checked out that; I was a very decent, mature and pious guy and they heard good of my father. He also thanked me on his and his wife's behalf for treating their daughter with the utmost respect. He said she held me in very high esteem. This left me extremely confused.

From what I understood, his basis for his decision was that his reference suggested that our families were very different. Okay fair enough but at least see for yourself if that is the case? Is diffierent bad? What is different? I still genuinely don't understand but sometimes we just have to accept certain circumstances. I still wasn't dismissed per se but we both needed closure. She said she was very sad to learn people tried to sabotage this this potential marriage by stirring up a number of issues. I got a good jist of the issue as a number concerns came my way. Alhamdulillah, she saw past all that. Ah - we live in a very sad state of affairs in this ummah.We decided to get closure and let it be. We left things on an extremely respectable note. She held me in a very, very high regard and vice versa.

This was 3 weeks ago. I went through that very difficult phase of reprogramming myself and my emotions.

I had never seen her in real life although she had seen me. Earlier this week at an Islamic event, I was walking and I noticed someone looking over at me. It was her. Wow. Subhaan'Allah. Such a beautiful, elegant and modest woman. Now - I really understand when all my references came back telling me that 'I must tie this camel'. When you put the most amazing personality to that face in person it really does make it that wee bit more difficult! That look she gave me . . . hurt. My heart and feelings have been at discomfort since.

Jummah morning I woke up got ready and on my way out I just saw my mother. I hugged her and briefly told her. She suggested that I should get in contact with her again and allow my mother to speak to her so she may communicate with her parents.

I strongly believe that when a chapter is closed it should stay closed. Sometimes its better to let go. Or is it?

I'm extremely blessed to have some amazing brothers whom that I can console in and receive advice, especially in such circumstances.

Allahu Allam. There is someone else but I now need to contemplate. Don't be sad and the Qur'an - you are my saviour.

I pray that Allah makes it easier.

Disappearing act update

First of all, apologies to my readers. I'd like to thank those whom emailed me to check the status of my welfare :)

So much has happened over the past couple of months. I've been ridiculously busy and been working hard with dawah, university amongst other commitments.

I've picked up so much knowledge on the arena of marriage. It's such a hot topic at uni and it's really interesting hearing individual accounts on their journey to marriage. Attended a really interesting marriage conference and I made a horde of notes ^.^

I'm currently in the process of looking into a potential and alhamdulillah, things appear good. Extremely intelligent and pious. Personalities and Islamic concepts match. I can't really talk too much about it at at this moment in time. But please keep me in your duas Insha'Allah!

The bad news is, the next few months of blogging will be fairly slow but Insha'Allah I'll try my best to keep up the quality of content.

Another offer stumbles my way

My parents surprisingly took the initiative to help towards the cause.

The parents went for the initial meet and they said she was extremely impressive. Good marriage material.

They told me about the girl and the family and it all looked promising.

So, we arranged a date and we went to see the family. Initial impressions, the parents were extremely quiet and as the conversation progressed it seems they've lived an extremely sheltered life and imposed that lifestyle on their daughters.

The conversation progressed and a revelation was then made, the girl wasn't even aware of the marriage. Okay . . They continued and told me she would obey everything I say or do. I sit, she sits - Great . . a doormat!

I couldn't talk to her because her father thinks that daughters who speak to their potential husbands in front of their mahram are the bad girls. This comment threw me off.

Another day passed. Another experience gained.

And so it continues . .