Just A Smile

There's something quite powerful about the past.

Aisha.

I was sat down in the masjid. It was strange. I saw her. She came walking towards me and she sat down. There was something different about her. Ah yes, she was wearing a hijab with a loose niqab. I smiled "Good girl. Good good girl. Rockin' the niqab I see? You look really grown up. How's it going? It's been.." I fumbled for a while. And I looked up "A long time."

That smile. No one rocks it like her. It's the smile that makes you smile. It's an Aisha smile. She sat across me. "I have, so much to tell you." "I wanted to tell you, everything is going to be alright. You only deserve the best. Trust me, It's all going to be well." She started blushing. "Insha'Allah, of course it will." I said.

I was thinking to myself. How strange? I last heard from her ages ago and left things as they were. I haven't thought about her at all. How bizarre. How... Oh look, people around me are smiling. I'm smiling too. I like this.

I turned to my side. My arm felt better. I proceeded to roll over onto my other pillow. I woke up.

Something peaceful about it. A sigh of reassurance. A sigh of relief.

Hmm. It Is What It Is.

Aisha dropped me a message. Just out of the blue. After a long time. "Random, I know but I was just wondering how you were?"

Kept my response short and simple. She said the reason she dropped me a message, was whilst she was clearing her emails she comes across a few from me and she wanted to know how I was doing. And also to apologise.

"I often feel bad. Please forgive me." She said.

That's deep.

Of course I forgive you. Whatever happened, happened. I want you to be happy and I do care for you. I choose not to stay in touch for the greater good. No other reason.

"I hope Allah has replaced with someone better?"

I didn't respond. Allahu Allam.

'It is what it is . . . ' - A killer street saying if I ever heard one.

Aisha And The First Experience Revisited

A year older. A year wiser. What have I learnt?

The chapter of Aisha has settled. I decided it was important to stick to my guns and close contact. It's difficult to say goodbye in these situations but sometimes we have to do it for the sake of our own benefit.

Ah, that empty feeling all over again. I see why so many young muslims give in. A horrible feeling. Alhamdulillah. I feel like going to this one spot; gazing at the city and the stars. It's perfect for reflection but the weather has been terrible over this past week.

Whilst I want to spend more time with the brothers, I haven't really had the time to do so. It's time to reflect, make preparations and promises to Allah just like I did last year. Ramadhan is upon us.  

I was just reading and reminiscing on the entry that I had wrote last year. The premise of kicking off this blog. The first experience. I'd like to ask myself something. Just one simple question. What on earth was I thinking? Seriously. I'm going to sit here and start a verbal tirade with myself. I understand and see my justification but just reflecting back and looking at everything, at face value. Wow. I'm not afraid to say it. I was an idiot. Allahu Akbar. What did I see in her? She could bring me absolutely nothing.

The biggest mistake you can make is to be always right. Wise people sometimes change their mind, fools never do.

It just goes to show that no matter how intelligent and educated you are, there are some things that one can never account for. Experience.

A terrible decision on my part. Just comparing to say, the likes of Husna, the difference apart is day and night. Subhaan'allah. Moving back to my home city, I didn't quite realise how much better I could do. In every single department. The most important being deen. I have to just laugh at myself. Even my sister had a good laugh at my expense. "My brother, what were you thinking? Firstly, you idiot, you almost compromised the fundamentals of what you believed in. Secondly, ewww." I thought that was pretty harsh but fair. She continued "We all have to go through this stage to realise what we want". I can't disagree there big sis.

I really forgot my value. I forgot what I could achieve. I forgot how important this decision was.

However, my creator. My sustainer. My provider. Allah, had answered my dua's without me realising. A wonderful example of istikharaa working. When we do the dua, we ask Allah. We ask Allah for help and guidance. Surely he delivers.

We ask him:

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

So glad tidings to you all. A reminder, an important message to share. This goes out, first and foremost to myself. Don't despair. Don't be impatient. Don't forget your value. Allah is always listening. Remember your vision. Your vision for the dunya, your children and the life after. Understand that Allah never forsakes a believer. Learn from my experiences and my errors. Granted, sometimes you have to experience this for yourself but that doesn't stop you from preparing.

I pray that Allah helps us in becoming more patient and steadfast. For he too, wants the best for us; just like the women that give birth to us.

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 2

Part 1

Before this when things ended she asked me if I wanted to try again. I refused. Not once. Three times in a row.  

When she dropped the line. My response was "Be right back, having a heart attack".  I always found the right time to joke around. She said "Oh SoulSeek, chill out!". She always knew how to make me laugh.

Everything had changed. I couldn't explain it. She had put me through some difficult times but at that particular moment in time, none of that mattered. Did I just experience what a lot of married couples fail to do? Forgive and move on?

Muhammed (saw) asked his companions, “Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?” they said, “Of course O Prophet of Allah.” He responded, “Then forgive each other.”

I'm not the kind to fall into a rut over a persons mistakes. Even if they are great.

The one thing I've admired about Aisha was her honesty. She had never led me on. She had told me how things were from the very first day. Granted, she was in a difficult position but her honesty helped us both.The one thing to note is that she was confused. Very Confused. Sometimes she would frustrate me so much. She was very easily led on. I would hear her speak and know that it wasn't even her speaking. I could capitalise and use this to my advantage. I never did. I couldn't.

I would always give her a lot of space. I would go through situations and offer her advice. When things went wrong, I would help mend them. When she was in distress, I would help ease her pain. She would always be like "Gosh, you're so right." and "You're such a smarty pants." Me? Hah, good joke. I guess this was my weakness.

Every time I have asked her a question. I always received a response. No fancy words. No beating around the bush. Aisha just being Aisha. I liked that.

The Friend
We both shared this one mutual friend. Isa will be his name. You know that one person who you can sit with and talk about anything? That same person who realises something isn't right when everyone else fails to realise. That one person we would both be doomed without. That one person that could challenge my thinking and turn my rationalisation around so that I may see things for what they were. That one person that would spend hours talking to me in helping me through my difficulties. That same person saw so much in both of us and helped us. He had so much hope for us. More than both of us combined, and he helped me see it through. His deeds will never be forgotten. Loyalty and help when it was needed most. They don't come by often. I hope I can return the favour someday. The best thing? He doesn't even acknowledge helping anyone. I would thank him and he would say "for what?" Ah you cheeky bugger. He would leave my house at stupid hours in the morning and then rejoin me a couple of hours later whilst we drove to University and we would always talk on the way. He would speak to both of us and help us immensely . He would show us our errors, lack of experience and maturity so that we may see and understand the situation for what it was.

Allah sends help at critical moments. He was the plaster. He helped cover a lot of small and large wounds.
I had found a true friend. It's funny how these people just drop in at the right time. I just happened to catch him for a reference of Husna 8 months ago. I had known him prior to that but I had never really spent time with him.

I really will do what I can Aisha.

Things would go really well for a while. We worked best when we didn't talk about marriage. Then I would hear from her. Sorry. I meant I would hear her friends talking through her mouth.

Whenever we made progress we would find a way to go 2 step backwards. She would occasionally start to pick things apart. Pick up on a lot of small reasons of why things shouldn't happen. About how I wasn't her kind of guy. I was attractive but not her usual bad boy look. Okay, so we all have preferences, right? She would continue on how I was too much a nice guy, you know, that fine line of questioning my manliness. I would always receive comments and compliments on my physique, physically ability to compete and fight. I wasn't a slouch in the looks department but it felt like I was being questioned, questioned that men like this shouldn't exist in today's society. I think I lost myself. She would always find really stupid ways of hindering progress. I always kept my cool and found a way round things, it's what I do best. However blame is a two way game. At times I wouldn't provide her the benefit of doubt and I would question my decision making abilities from time to time.

Soon, she started to cross one too many lines. She said some things which started ringing different tones of alarm bells in my head. For a short while I thought she was intentionally trying to frustrate me. Aisha had gave me permission to speak to my sister of her past, after putting a few pieces together I began to realise she wasn't very stable. Mentally. I knew her situation was volatile but after putting things into perspective there were a lot of factors that made things quite scary. She would always tell me there was a lot wrong with her but I brushed them aside as an insecurity. My sister works in the field of psychology and has helped muslim women through a lot of ordeals. She gave me her thoughts on Aisha and Aisha agreed to her analysis. Aisha broke down in tears and told me how messed up she really felt. At this point I became fairly distraught. I had feelings for her but deep down I wasn't sure I could provide for someone. Someone so . . . so broken. Sigh. I felt like this for a very long time. This made things a lot more difficult. I would try be optimistic whilst trying to be a realist.

I have always understood that my path would not be easy. My whole upbringing. Everyone has a story to tell. Mine is no different. It's a tale in its own right. Alhamdulillah. I still felt there was something there and we could work through it. A lot of events pursued. The worst part is leaving detail out but with this kind of blog sometimes that has to happen. Besides, these key events could make take this novel territory, it really is that long.

She annoyed me quite a lot. It was my examination period and she really added to the stress. She would go through this phase of not wanting to talk about things and then try to pick it up again. It was agitation and frustration on both of our part. She once asked me if I knew what she saw at end of the tunnel with her? I told her that now wasn't the best of times as I had an exam the very next day. Her pessimism and portal for negativity went hand in hand. I really felt like I had enough by this point. It was like deja vu time and time again. I've always been optimistic regardless of the hurdles. Imaan is a foundation for belief. Foundations are never made over night. We must make an exerted effort in making a foundation  of steel. Why? Steel doesn't crumble when tested. So where does imaan fit into this? Our attitude reflects our imaan. It's our imaan that carries us through our daily lives. Both trials and tribulations.

A week later she asked me if she could continue what she wanted to say. "Please do" I said.

"At end of the tunnel. I see Jannah with you."

Woah, Woah, Woah?! Huh? I can understand seeing goodness, light and all the usual stuff but . . . . Jannah? That's a bold statement. She said she saw far too much good in me and I could only bring out good in her. I felt flattered and I didn't really know what to say.  

Sometime later she felt like she couldn't open up and talk to me any more. As she felt like I didn't understand her. She then realised how difficult she had made things for me. How impossibly difficult it became. But hey, that word difficult, that doesn't fit in my vocabulary.

The tears had started again. She asked me to walk away. I asked her to provide me a valid reason to walk away. She said "It is better for you". "Let me be the judge of that" I said. The conversation continued. She said "I really, really care for you SoulSeek, just leave it, please" she continued "You will eventually understand." It was that night when we talked. Talked like we talked before I proposed the idea of marriage to her. Before things became weird. It was bizarre. I enjoyed this conversation. It was 'normal'. No pressure, no frustration. For the first time in 5 months it felt very different. However, it was then when she asked me to make a decision. A decision on whether or not I should walk. She wanted me to make a decision. It became a difficult decision for me. I don't do things half heartedly. All or nothing. I was very unsure. I felt like I was compromising far too much and the situation was far too volatile but similarly I saw honesty and sincerity. I held onto these two things very tightly. The bad outweighed the good. Hey, isn't this that what Shaitaan helps us do best?

A week or so had passed. I was indecisive I hadn't made a decision.

She said she was never ready to get married. She couldn't, for many reasons. The only reason she considered me was because of my character. She said I knew what I wanted and how far I was willing to go for it. Her? Clueless. She felt she had to deal with herself. And she was right, there was a lot of truth in that.

We talked again. She flipped. I saw disrespect. I contained myself. A crazy amount I must say. I did however end things. Just like that? Just like that. After 6 months, with a very indecisive feeling, I managed to do something I hesitated to do for ages within seconds. She apologised for acting the way she did but she was frustrated, no more than I was. She used professions as a measure of comparison. She said I was like a doctor that a lot of people wanted in on and she was just a cleaner. With constant analogies as such, I almost started to believe the hype.

This time things were over for real. She asked me how I felt and I didn't share. It would provide no benefit to either of us. I asked if she was okay, she said "if I wasn't, would it change anything?" I asked myself the same question. For days on end.

There was a meeting for a large da'wah project, I caught a glimpse of her and it the first time I saw her in a while. I pretended like I didn't see her, I just carried on.

I saw her walking, looking at the floor and she walked past. No eye contact or anything. Did she even know I was present? I saw Isa. He asked me if I had a moment to spare. I obliged. He asked me if I was okay. "Why wouldn't I be" I said? "SoulSeek you can't front on me, I know you far too well bro" he said. Waiting on me to spill something. I just kept quiet. He said he spoke to Aisha. A relief as always. I felt really concerned about her. "How is she?" I asked He said "Gutted. She's a strong girl, she'll be okay." I had nothing to say, looking at the floor. Cracked concrete ground was all I could see. He said "Aisha wanted to give this to you, here". It was a book. A copy of The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. She had bought it prior to the incident and she wanted to give it to me before she left for home. I remember mentioning to her that I wanted to read this book in early March. 3 months ago. 

I felt sad. Really sad.

I started to read the book. I completed it within a couple of days. On one day I managed to do a 7 hour stint. For me, that's something. That book hit me hard. About my upbringing. My life. Her.

It was then I started self-reflection. It was then I started to write up part 1 of this entry. It was then when it hit me. After all this time. After all that stress. After all the hardship. Everything became so simple. So, so simple.

She contacted me asking for advice. I felt I was the wrong person but I could keep my feelings aside to offer her genuine advice. One of the issues was her dad wanted her to get married from the motherland. I told her to consider it and remember her criteria for marriage. She didn't want to and her dad stopped talking to her. Soon after her Grandmother passed away. Another series of family problems had pursued. Her family situation was far from ideal. In fact, it was one of the worst scenario's that I had personally come across. Bless her. She managed to keep her self together for so long. 

It was now our turn to return a small favour for Isa. He was having problems with he girl he wanted to marry, she would advise the girl and I would help him. If things were not going to work out for him we would argue over who would get the opportunity to hook him up with a new potential. Alhamdulillah he's now back on track in pursuing his suitor.

Time progressed. A week before I went on the break with GeetarHiro I had to be honest with her. I still had some feelings for her. As things became so clear I knew what I had to do. She was shocked. The Kite Runner was like icing on the cake; affirming my thoughts and feelings.

I felt with my new found attitude and thoughts, I would not make the mistakes that I had made before and that I could lay things out so she would know how serious I was and we both knew why things ended. I made an unnatural decision that I felt forced to make based on emotions. That's not me.

She brought up her situation and relationship with her father. And asked if I was in her position, would I even think about marriage? I put a scenario across - that if her father had agreed to me being a suitor what would she say? She said she would definitely consider it more. However, she was not confident it would make a difference to her dad.

The Teacher
I started Arabic classes. Fairly intense, 5 times a week to compliment my tafsir classes. I would like to tell you a little about my teacher. He is the most chilled out and humblest of people anyone would ever have the opportunity to meet. Check this out. He has a Ph.D in marriage. That's right! His field, is the fiqh of marriage. We call him Dr Lurve. He is officially awesome. After our class we always chat about marriage and he is overly concerned about the single youths within our society. He teaches me and Isa.

A few days after I told Aisha I had feelings, Dr Love was chatting to us. He said to me "Br. SoulSeek, I'm going to find you a wife Insha'Allah. If you're willing to come Jordan with me, I will find you a pious wife." He was always serious but he had this quality where he was also funny whilst being serious, it was just his character. Someone who would deceive you at face value. He would ask me where my preference lied in terms of location I replied "UK". He said "Ah, I know this one sister, she would be very good for you. She's from x city. She's a good sister. She's live in this village called . . . ah I can't remember the name". "Village b?" I said. "That's the one." he said. Hold on, this sounded all too familiar.

Isa at this point couldn't contain his laughter. He always said to me that me and Aisha would eventually cross paths again. This was it. Dr Love was talking about Aisha. I tried really hard not to smile. I had to turn sideways and let a smile out.

Dr Love knew something was going on at this point. He asked me if I knew her. I said "Yes, I was interested in her." He smiled. "She has a lot of family problems you know, she's going through a lot." he exclaimed. I nodded. He continued "I know a lot of imams and have friends in the city, we could get them to speak to her dad." I think my smile got a little brighter. "I would appreciate that Sheikh, Jazakallah Khairan" I said. "Wa iyyak, don't forget to do your homework" he said.

We got outside and Isa literally dropped on the floor laughing "Dr Love is on the case!" he exclaimed. "You're such an idiot" I said, trying to hide my smile.

"Oi you clown! I just spoke to the Dr!" Aisha said. I was in stitches. The Dr of Love had delivered! What a guy. "Oh really?" I continued "What did he say?"

"He said he really misses me and he wants me to move back and get involved with more da'wah work in x city. Oh and he wants me to get married to you."

We had a more level head conversation this time. She said after having time to think she didn't want to get married at this moment in time. She enjoyed her single life and wasn't ready for commitment. She also felt she wasn't ready for marriage. We continued talking and I tried to explain how marriage is a process and how one can never wake up feeling like they're 'ready for marriage'. She asked "Can't you chill to see happens?" Ah, I think she has no idea the fitna she is exposing me to. Hah! She said "All this" paused "doesn't change how I feel about marriage. I really want it but similarly I don't" 

She has a point. I can't change how she feels. It's only her who can ultimately make a decision. I'm not going to force a situation or decision.We had a much more relaxed conversation, her sister-in law even spoke to me. It was pretty funny. Her sister in-law and cousins would tease her.

At this point me and GeetarHiro left for our break.

Upon returning last week we haven't really talked at all. I spoke to one of her very scarce, decent friends. This sister is such a genuine and sincere sister. She's known of me quite long but I had no idea she knew until as of recent. She's one of Aisha's best friends and she told me her take on it.

Firstly, she praised me on how patient I had been with Aisha, she said did not know of anyone who would hang around for someone like Aisha so patiently. She said I was one of the most humble, sincerest, thoughtful people that she had come across and that no one had a bad word to say of me. She said she cared about Aisha so much but she had to be honest. She said she knew I was good for her and lucky she was. As to why she had second thoughts - It baffled her. She said "Aisha is extremely confused as you know and very easily influenced."

She said "I spoke to Aisha yesterday and it seems like she's moved on. She feels like she can't handle the stress of marriage at this moment in time. Brother SoulSeek, I think you're a serious catch and Aisha knows it but I think it's time to maybe move on after some closure."

I'm at bit of loss here. We never really talked? When we last did we said we would continue on a positive note. I'm uncertain. Her family situation is starting to improve and I'm genuinely very happy for her. I don't want to come in between that and I think she's glad to be away from the serious marriage talk.I feel she needs to do this and sort herself out.

Where does that leave me? If things have truly ended. I have no qualms with moving on properly with clear intentions. But cutting contact? I ask myself what benefit would it provide staying in touch? I never keep in touch for a number of reason but this  one is different. Very different. It's someone I've benefited and learnt a lot from, someone that could provide a reference and someone that I've come to know and gain contacts from.

GeetarHiro provided me with another option. He said "Why don't you tell her that if and when she feels that's in a position to marry, to drop you a line to see if you're single. That way, you're not closing the book but you're not hanging onto it either. Keep your options open."

When I told her I had feelings, I told her I had wrote a personal account to help me see things clearly. She was intrigued. She asked me if she could read it. I said I would think about it. I now question if there is any benefit in considering to do so. 

I must seek some kind of closure. Do I just move on or consider GeetarHiro's approach?

I apologise it took so long to put this together. I had a very late night and spent the whole morning getting this together. As you can imagine, I've been keeping myself very busy, so I don't get caught up in getting distraught. Having to write about it has been an on-going challenge. I procrastinated to see how things would turn out. I had to oblige once I spoke to her friend. I thank each and every one of you for your support.

I pray that Allah make it easier for my fellow followers.

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 1

I had major difficulties in writing this entry. On many occasions, I had just stopped, not knowing how to continue. You can imagine how long this took to put together. I initially decided to leave this out. However, I felt there are some extremely important lessons for me to reflect upon. Especially for me in becoming this man I'm destined to be. Structuring a frenzied 8 months into an entry. There's a lot of details I have to leave out in order to post a consumable entry and to protect her. Recalling difficult events. Good and bad times. On the one girl that managed to penetrate my armour. I'm telling you now. I can't write or do this experience justice. But I'll try.

I just had to walk into the most complicated situation. After all, those words are synonymous to my life.

A battle of optimism over scepticism. A war of emotions. A playground of confusion.

Two popular people at University. Different people. Different experiences. Different pasts. Different Interests. Big personalities. Big feelings. Sharing a lot of mutual acquaintances and friends. Difficulties in communication.

Time to put the kettle on again. I've been here a long time, yours shouldn't be as long. I have put the pieces together as promised.

Aisha. I just have to smile whenever I mention her. A situation that I can't quite label. Bizarre or fate. Frustrating or funny. Heartbreaking or every one of them, you decide.

Intermission
It all began when I first met Aisha. Aisha got involved when a brother told me about Husna. In order to aid his efforts in helping me, he asked for Aisha's assistance to help me and Husna get in contact.

I was in the library when I was first introduced to her. When I first saw Aisha, there was a moment of silence in my head. "Why had I never seen this girl before?". She was dressed ever so modestly and she was ever so shy. That smile. Dammit. She asked me a few questions to get me in contact with Husna. You know that really guilty feeling of being human and liking someone? I think that just happened. I heard a lot about Husna but I just wanted to know more about Aisha. I spoke to the brother and I enquired about Aisha instead. He started laughing, he said she was one of the coolest sisters ever. He told me to make a decision between Aisha and Husna. How could I? I didn't know either of them. I had nothing to go off.

I had heard a lot about Husna. I heard she was this beautiful, elegant woman that possessed all those qualities guys would want in a wife. Aisha was different. Aisha was this really down to earth girl, who had recently come back to the deen with this personality, and this smile. A smile that made me smile. This one smile that complicated a situation. I later told her that her smile would eventually get her into a lot of trouble.

She would regularly ask if I had considered the situation with Husna more and if she could be of assistance. She did not know Husna very well as she was at a different University. She was 'just tryna help a brother out'. Bless her.

I decided to just ask around for basic information. Whilst in the quest of doing some research on them both I became acquainted with Aisha in the Islamic Society. I started to learn a lot about her. She was very different from a lot of girls. She had been through experiences that I could relate to. I felt like I understood her misfortune and pain.

I knew once I had made a decision that was it. After all, if things didn't work out, no one wanted to be second best. Right?

At the time I felt rather confused. Looks wise they were both beautiful in their own ways. Aisha stood out at first, she was someone I had seen in person. Different to what I usually like but that smile, ha. Husna, I could only go by her pictures. She was also beautiful but I think my preference lied with Aisha for some reason. I had to start making istikhara to make my intentions clear. Ah Allah. You always answer.

Aisha wrote an article about this young girls experience at University. The article was about a girl who went to uni and enjoyed all the little fun things girls do when they move away from home. Hanging out, shopping and just enjoying life. Something that became short lived until she lost someone very close to her. Due to that experience she felt like she had lost everything. Until she remembered something a friend told her. She had turned to Allah in desperation and that's where her journey had begun. This girl went to Umrah and made a new clean start.

That article was about Aisha. Call it intuition but I always felt like that story was about her. When she told me. I asked her about who had died? She said no one died. That only led to one answer. A past relationship. For me, that was my istikhara answered.

I had never been in a past relationship and in my mindset, I've always wanted someone of a similar calibre. Somewhat understandable . .  right?

This is where the chapter of Husna had begun. (More here).

After things didn't work out and I remember when I first saw Husna. She had this presence like no other woman. I didn't realise how beautiful she was in person. I think my feelings just took a beatdown like Mosley got from Mayweather (Ouch!!)

When things ended with Husna. You guessed it . . Aisha was on my mind. I had sat down and carefully contemplated what had happened. I thought to myself "What if, this whole time Husna was just another experience to help me realise what I want?". I was right. Husna had some beautiful qualities, without a shadow of doubt, a bit too textbook. But Aisha . . she was real. She had a lot of faults but she had some many qualities I admired.

I thought to myself how on earth could I approach Aisha now? Surely this felt wrong. Wrong by whose standard though? I contemplated. And I contemplated some more. It took over a month to work things out.

Aisha's situation was volatile. I remember her once telling me she was going to give in to her parents and just get married from back home 'cause her friend had convinced her. Alarm bells started ringing in my head. Yup, yup . . you know what pursued next! I felt like if I didn't do anything now, nothing would happen. What was I thinking?

I asked to have a few minutes with her in the library before an event. My heart was beating at an illegal speed. I remember and I remember well. That smile creeped up. That damn smile! I forgot almost everything I wanted to say. I started of by telling her how she had been open and transparent with me, it would only be fair if I did the same from a prospective of being honest. I then said to her . . . "Yo sister, is your dad a terrorist? Cause you da bomb!"

Sorry, I joke haha! (At my own jokes, I know - terrible!). I've always just wanted to say that.

I asked her if she'd consider the idea of marriage if I were to propose my intentions to her. I obviousl

Allow me to define the word shock:-

– noun

A sudden and violent blow or impact; collision.

A sudden violent blow . . That sounds about right. This girl just froze in front of me. She was like "Is that Saddam Hussein on the documentary?" on a TV behind me. I started laughing thinking "oh my god". The randomness just threw me completely off guard. It took her a few minutes to compose herself. She was like but you and Husna? She knew that things didn't work out a few weeks prior but she asked again. She seriously did not know what to say. I told her to think about it and away we went to the event.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. She still could not believe it. At all.

She responded a few days on by asking me to be patient with her.

The tale is about to begin y'all :)

And So It Begun
At face value I thought this girl was simple. Boy was I in for a treat.

Her situation was something I cannot share but I can tell you it was a very, very unfortunate and unique situation. You know you hear about some people and you think "Subhaanallah!" and then "rather you than me". Aye, that was her. She had oppressive parents, really unfortunate circumstances and no one who could be her mahram to help us. I set out to find out more about her reality before I could help her.

It took her a few days for things to sink in. "Seriously, what does a guy like you see in me?". And a flurry of similar questions. One day at University in the evening, it was very quiet. She said she wanted to ask me something, I thought it was just a query or quick question. She laid out everything on the table. She freestyled for a long time. I paid attention and listened carefully. She confided and told me things that most would not tell their best friends. A lot of questions arose. One after another.

"A lot of my friends really like you, you'd be better suited to someone more pious."
"You can do so much better."
"You're in a completely different league. A real intellectual."
"I've got a lot of problems."

And so on. That didn't stop me at all. She continued. After hearing what she had been through, she broke into tears and started to cover her face with her hijaab.

I think my heart just sunk. I was helpless. Useless. I always have something to say or do to make someone feel better but I could do nothing. I really didn't know what to do. That feeling, that feeling of just wanting to hug someone. I had to move my chair back. I really didn't expect this. She started apologising. I told her to take her time. I had to leave her until she composed herself. This was definitely one of those situations in making the best of a very dire situation.

She continued. "This is what I mean, I'm broken." She told me to walk away as I had no idea what I was walking into. I'll be honest. I could have walked into an easier situation. But I didn't. Why accept easy when it can be challenging?

The next day she apologised for displaying so many insecurities and shouldn't have told me of the things she did. I assured her it wasn't a problem. My respect for her had grown.

The First Strike - Lack Of Compatibility
Aisha. A young woman who had had no intention of getting married any time soon, who had put very little thought into something that seemed so distant. As great as it sounded, she feared the idea. Aisha became very, very confused.

Her friends didn't make matters easier. You know the type. Some find joy in clubbing whilst others religiously watch eastenders. This was not going to be an easy task. This became a frustration quickly. They were telling her some really ignorant things of how things 'should be'. Catch 21 situation. Whilst they are her friends and she should keep better company. That wasn't the issue. Practising muslim sisters were not better company. All the back-biting and rumours they were spreading about brothers and sisters in University, the hypocrisy was just as bad. I just had to accept that I had a lot of work ahead of me. 

I gained some references that confused me too. She did something questionable. Something that hurt me but I was unable to confirm this in order to protect the one person she spoke to. I was advised she was lovely girl but extremely confused. Due to this, my attitude towards her had changed. I became difficult. As time progressed we started to become frustrated with each other. We were on a completely different level. She started to become uncomfortable around me.

I made a big mistake. I started to compare her to Husna. I became really lost. I had feelings for her but I felt like she could offer me nothing. I felt like I was doing all the work. I knew what I wanted. She had no idea.

Over a short amount of time. Matter got progressively worse. She sent me an email saying she felt we were both incompatible and that she was in no position to consider marriage. She felt the experience had encouraged her to think more about her future.

It was over.

First Husna and now her. I felt like a truck just crushed me. If I could talk of the external issues paired up with how I got completely shafted at University. Ah, I had a lot to be sad about. It was a very difficult time. This one cheerful character was slowly letting his smile down.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail" - Benjamin Franklin

Had it not been for Islam. I think I would have broke. By nature, words like defeat have no place in my life. However, sometimes we choose to accept it when the going gets tough. Establishing Salah 5 times a day and keep faith in Allah whilst things are going good or bad is when perseverance takes place. Regardless of how I felt, I've always had to fulfil my obligations. For:

“How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to his Lord and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” - [Muslim]

Islam is truly like no other when calamity befalls a person. Allah tests a believer with just about what he can handle. It's quite amazing really. He helps those in need. Yet he also tests them. I just about hanged in there. The gym paired up with very heavy weights seriously helps with that rage that builds up. Alhamdulillah, I wasn't prepared to fail any time soon.

Whilst I could justify all my actions. I felt like things could have ended better. There were still a lot of frustrations, feelings and loose ends in the air. I wanted some kind of closure. I arranged to speak with her.

When we got the opportunity to do so. All those frustrated feelings I had about her? Vanished. I don't know how but they did.

We talked and we come to the conclusion that because of how we were introduced and how things went, it made the situation extremely uncomfortable. How could we find out if we were compatible if we never got the opportunity to work things out?

We agreed to leave the whole marriage thing on the back burner and leave it til after University.

Yeah right . . like that was going to happen!

The Second Strike - No Chemistry
Overcoming the 'awkwardness' was very difficult. Things always felt awkward around her. We could never talk like we did. But we tried. Whenever I would see her, I would start to act a little weird and I would become this really reserved character. She would do the same. From this outspoken character to a quiet blushing boy. It was funny, the 2 brothers that knew would tease me with that ever so annoying "awwww".

I had a lot of personal problems and questions I needed to overcome. Like whether a past relationship was really a problem for me? Seeing past certain issues that I cannot go into. I was really stuck. By default I talked to a lot of people. Portraying scenarios so that I may learn a thing or two. I had a lot of conflicting answers. I was on the fence.

Whenever we used to talk it always revolved around her problems. I was always more than happy to help to anyone in need and I helped her a lot. Whilst in this process I started to nitpick and find a lot of things I disliked in her how she did things. The lack of patience with matters and so on. Did I forget she was human? Did I also forget she was trying?

I was looking for reasons of why this shouldn't work. With that very clever dude helping you called Shaitaan, boy . . it's an easy game to play. I felt like I had no reason to pursue this.

We were both at a stage where we denied feelings for each other. I was doubting if she liked me.

The whole 'lack of chemistry' became overused.

We initially said to leave the situation after University. But we somehow went down that path of talking about compatibility. We felt chemistry was something that came naturally. We both used it as an excuse.

I wanted some kind of closure. I felt overwhelmed and under pressure for a number of reasons. She was also under a lot of pressure too. We really knew how to shoot each other and ourselves in the foot. Oh, say hello to the tippin point!

We left things for a while. I did a lot of thinking and I felt that I really didn't want to her workload/problems - If anything, I wanted to remove the one pressure that I could. Me. Despite all the things that had happened. I had a lot of feelings for this girl. I would never do anything to jeopardise or compromise a situation for her. I had to resort to the one entity where I knew I could seek guidance. Allah. I did istikhara. Here is the decision that: I Made.

I took up the plan. Alhamdulillah. I told Aisha about the confused feelings I had. Also how Husna appeared in my dream, How awkward! I told her my thoughts on how both of our istikhara's could have meant that we were not meant to be. I also told her I did not feel the way I used to. We were both good people but just not for each other. I also found her difficult to understand and there was no incentive to persevere.

She said she could not honestly find a fault within me. And I deserved far better. She also felt she wasted a lot of my time. Experience is never a waste Aisha. Never.

A weight was off my shoulders. The Husna Revisited episode had begun.

As I had just cleared up the Husna issue.

Aisha told me she had feelings for me.

That changed everything. Ev-er-ry-thing.

Part 2

Husna Revisited

Remember the plan? What plan? Come on guys, ya know: this one!

I proceeded with the plan and its pretty funny how things work out. Funny now, because I can only look back and move forward.

I contacted Husna and laid out everything on the table. I shared my thoughts and told her how how I felt. I shared how these weren't just emotional feelings after a bollywood special. This was something serious. I explained how I was making a stand for something I believed and what I wanted. (Sounds good, right?)

Que the wait . . the anticipation of waiting for a response was a killer! Her response was as follows. She was really shocked and it took her a while to sink in and she shared similar sentiments BUT (there's always that damn but) whilst she felt we got on really well and had similar future goals her issue was familiy. Now this is where I'm profoundly confused.

She said how things didn't go ahead because her parents felt uncomfortable, she took that as a sign from Allah. She said she felt she shouldn't have to persuade her family because if there is blessing in it, Allah will make it easy.

Now I'm not the smartest guy but I completely disagree! If something is by the decree of Allah (i.e this situation) it doesn't always fall into place. You have to work for your rizq (provisions).

So I asked her a few questions and I received a response. Unfortunately she really didn't want to see outside of the box and gave no indication of wanting it to work.

So there you have it. The chapter of Husna has been closed. I have so much respect for her and I pray Allah finds her someone equally as decent.

How did I feel? A strange feeling.You know how I carried out the first part of the plan? I thought it worked until Aisha struck a chord back. Conveniently just as I was responding to Husna. She didn't accept things this time. She fought back. She changed my feelings for her.

Aisha's story is by far the most compelling experience to date. This girl is special in a very different way. I'm having difficulties in writing an entry for this one. I never thought I would encounter that problem.

Females, you are interesting creatures.

The Awkward Moment

The plan was initiated and carried out. I'm glad I had the patience I did whilst it was executed. Alhamdulillah. I did things to the best of my ability.

I have received responses from both Aisha and Husna. Things have taken a twist that I didn't expect. I am being tested. Its these tests where free-will is exercised and the decree from Allah is then set into motion.

Husna. Ah Husna. You don't fail to impress. Very intelligent. However, I disagree that "If Allah wanted this to work he would have made it easy". Tell me something. Do we have to work for our provisions? Of course we do. Things don't fall into place, it requires work and effort. I also disagree with a few other fundamental points. My response to Husna was that I would respond to her thoughts in a couple of weeks when my thoughts were more clearer as it's that time of the academic year.

The Awkward Moment

Standing at the front with them two watching you - eeeeeeeeeeeeek! 

I had to chair an event. There were a lot of sisters. Aisha was present. Whilst preparing my notes just before the event, one of my closest brothers gave me a heads up:

"Don't panic but Husna is here"
Good joke.
"Seriously"
Don't do this to me!
"Bro, I'm Sorry but you're awesome, chill!"
Why are you sorry? Haha - Okay breatheee SoulSeek, breathe!!!

I really needed that for last minute preparations! I'm confident and I have the ability to speak publically. But boy, my heart started to race. It felt so bizarre and difficult to maintain a confident smile.

In the corner of my eye, I saw 'that' Abaya I last saw her in. I just couldn't look to confirm if it was her, I felt so shy and my face was flush. I had to maintain eye contact with key brothers, so I placed a few guys strategically within the audience. I'm such a badass!

Whilst I was talking. Within my peripheral vision; that one distinctive Abaya . . . got up and left.

I have to presume she didn't leave because of me. Her email really didn't reflect that, at all.

Plan B is now in operation after I hand in my dissertation. What is plan B? That will come in time, my precious.

Ya Allah glorify me with the patience and wisdom to make a good, and fair decision so that I may benefit in this World and the life-after. Ameen.

Tying Your Camel – Part II

While my little sister was in college, she had this extremely good looking friend who was quite Islamic, apart from one thing. This girl didn’t wear a scarf properly – it would not cover her neck; just her hair. So I had mixed feelings on this one, back then. I can’t say that I wasn’t attracted to her, but the fact that she didn’t wear a hijab properly kinda put me off at the same time. I had only just started uni as well, so I was skint as anything. I knew I couldn’t afford to marry or to settle down with someone. So I didn’t think too much of marriage; nor her. Nevertheless, I still have a story to tell. From this point forward, we shall refer to this girl as Aisha.

Several years later, my mother suggested that I speak to Aisha regarding marriage (Aisha’s family were distant family friends of ours). I politely refused, since I remembered that she didn’t wear hijab properly. I didn’t want to lower my standards. And besides, I had not seen Aisha for several years either. The conversation ended.

A few days later, I was out walking with my friend, and I was telling him about Aisha back in college and how my mother was now so intent on getting me married to this girl, and about how funny this whole situation was. At that very moment in time, I noticed this stunning looking girl walking towards me. Dressed like an angel, covered from top to toe, gliding majestically towards me in full grace. My feet froze as she came closer and my eyes were fixated on her face, trying to figure out who this girl was. She looked familiar. She looked up. Avoiding eye contact with everyone and carried on walking.

That’s when I realised this girl was Aisha.

I waited for her to pass and get a distance away before I turned to my friend and asked him “did you see that girl? That was Aisha!!”. My friend looked back and said “wow, she’s pretty”. Hell, yeah!!

I immediately called my mother to tell her I had just walked past Aisha and declared that the only reason why I didn’t want to pursue her before (due to her not wearing hijab properly) was now void. And that she would make a perfect wife. Not that I have actually had a conversation with Aisha to know that. Lol.

My mother said that she would make some calls and see what happens.

Needless to say, I was sleepless that night. Ecstatic.

Turns out that my mother couldn’t contact the family straight away. It took a couple weeks to find out their phone number and by that time, they were away on holiday or something. So Aisha was pushed to the back of my mind so that I could concentrate on other important things going on in my life.

A couple months passed and my mother finally spoke to Aisha’s mother, who gave my mother Aisha’s email address. This was passed on to me, but the problem was I didn’t know what to write to her. She probably doesn’t even remember me. Or what I look like. And it certainly doesn’t help that we have never spoken to each other. The most interaction we had was when I was chairing an event in uni and she was one of the attendees. So every draft email sounded weird. After much procrastination, I decided to send the following message:

“Assalamualaikum,

I hope you are well...

My mother gave me your email address a few weeks back.

Just wanted to make sure that I read it correctly”

I put my name at the bottom and pressed “send”. Immediately afterwards, I realised that if someone had sent me this email, I would ignore it. So I figured that I’ve probably lost my only chance with this girl and didn’t think much more of her or the situation.

Several months passed and (yep, you guessed it), I couldn’t stop thinking about Aisha. I kept picturing her face, how she walked, how she dressed, how she moved...

So I decided to tie my camel.

I know which mosque her father goes to on Fridays. Not my usual mosque, but also not very far from where I attend either. I am now on a mission. And I shall name this mission “operation target dad”; since I believe that the parents can make or break the relationship. Once I get him on my side, then I’m sure Aisha’s mother will be on my side as well. Then once the parents are ok with me, then surely, it would influence Aisha’s opinion of me for the better... right? Or would she think that I’m just a geek?? I don’t know. But the level of not knowing would be much greater if I didn’t act. At least, if I tried and she didn’t like me, then I would have some sort of closure. Then I can work to get over it and move on.

I found her father at the mosque. I gave my salam and sparked up a conversation with him. He started to ask me questions regarding my background – my work, where I live, etc. After my replies, his eyes sparkled. “Ohh, are you so-and-so’s son?”, he asked. Then my eyes sparkled. “Yes, yes I am!”, I replied. Luckily for me, my father has a good reputation in the community. Then we talked about how he had met my dad on several occasions, and even came to my parents’ house as well. Unluckily, I had not been there when ‘possible future father-in-law (Insha’Allah!)’ had brought his family over.

Subsequent weeks followed and conversations grew. That’s good. I could show my Islamic personality. Hopefully, when he thinks of marriage for his daughter, he will think of me as the most suitable man! Or maybe I need to grow a pair and just ask him the big question. Why the hell am I so shy when it comes to things like this?? I could easily talk to the girls I meet at work. Even real pretty ones. The pretty ones that make some guys stutter when they talk. So I’m definitely not shy. In fact, when I was thinking of a personal description for my online matrimonial advert, I was asking big sis for feedback – I told her I had described myself as ‘shy’. Big sis laughed down the phone. Then she made me change it.

So I’m definitely not a shy guy.

But I had cold feet every time I come near this topic of marriage. Oh! I just had a thought. Is my heart not in sync with my mind? Does my heart long for love, while my mind tells me I’m not ready?

Stop. I’m going off on a tangent again.

These thoughts will just drag me down. I want marriage. I need to do this. I need to bring up the conversation of marriage. Or maybe I can just bring my dad to the mosque and let him do all the work. Haha. I like the sound of that. Ok, now that the plan is set, I just need to execute the plan. Oh man. Cold feet again. Ok, baby steps. That’s how I developed my staff into the great people they are now. It’s how I taught myself how to do things like drive quickly, read Qur’an fluently, or read music with ease. Baby steps gradually increase your confidence until you come to the point where you can achieve anything.

So first baby step – to gain confidence – is to respond to the numerous messages (yay!) I got from the matrimonial website and see where that takes me. Apparently, the more often I log into the website, the more prominent my profile becomes.

In fact, I went all out. I felt like a playa! Haha! With several girls on the go. Shame they turned out to be non-serious people.

Except for one... :)

Hmmm... who would’ve thought that tying your camel actually works out?

=)