Muslims On Time Keeping And Promises - Shaadi Edition.

Perhaps it's unfair to title this as Muslims as opposed to ethnics. But just a few thoughts on how it should be and how it is.

It's an unwritten rule it for ethnics muslims in showing up late. Heck, I must ensure I arrange a meeting time up to an hour earlier depending on the ethnicity/friend. Even then, they still some how manage to come late. Word.

I was meeting with some new friends recently and to their amazement I happen to be the only ethnic that actually shows up a little early.

It's a good quality to have. It's a part of our culture and our identity as Muslims. It's a part of our Salah in congregation. However, we've increasingly seem to have lost our ways.

Bringing this back to all things marriage, here's something that happened.

5 good friends. Married friends. All of whom I've approached within a week. I've never asked these guys to find me a suitor in the past. I've held the opinion that getting to find a prospect through a mutual friend is always more beneficial as there's the ability to vouch and find out more about a person. I dropped it to them that SS was on the market.

4 of these friends are between 20-25 and they've all been married for a relatively short time. I know what they've all been through in order to get married and they're practising brothers. Guys whom I've helped and befriended. They were on team SS, 'It's about time dude'. Little did they know I've been at this for a while.

They were enthusiastic.

I must say, I was taken back when the following happened:

• 4 of the 5 brothers had somebody in mind that had either approached them or their wife. A few guys had over 3.
• 3 of the 5 brothers had promised to make something of it get back to me over a couple of days. It's now been 6 weeks 5 of the 5 brothers have done nothing. 
• 1 of the 5 brothers stopped responding to me. 
• 5 of the 5 brothers didn't follow up after 2 weeks. 
• 2 of the 5 brothers have met me since the initial meet and they never followed up a conversation on marriage. The rest didn't meet nor follow up. 1 of those is from another city.
• 1 of  the 5 brothers tried. He didn't promise and he's been on the watch. He's only been married for 7 weeks and he had more of a reason not to get back to me over the others.

I understand how it's like, being married and being busy. I really do. It's why we make excuses for each other.

But there's something severely wrong here. 2 of these contacts are wanting to become scholars/imaams. They both promised.  

#RealTalk is real talk. For these guys it was just a matter of "You interested? I'll pass the brother your fathers number." It takes a couple of minutes. And that's how it should be.

Here's an example of what I did for a brother I met in the masjid and my sister's best friend.

1. My sister told me about her friend. I told this brother. He was interested and vice versa. I made a phone call to both parties with my sister present and it took about a minute each. 2 Minutes.
2. Exchanged pictures between the 2. It took them about 10 minutes each to get back to me. 1 minute of my time.
3. We arranged a meet with dates and times.

In total this took 4 and a half minutes of my time. This was the long way of doing things because there was direct contact between both parties as opposed to ringing her wali due to some circumstances.

One of my friends waited 8 weeks for any movement to happen. Then he withdrew because the family were quite frankly on something. This does not compute. Stupid is what it is. And I'm not contributing towards this cause or letting my peers. It's beyond a joke.

I've done this many times in the past and it's a few minutes affair.

It's crap but you have to deal the cards you're dealt with. I'm always finding way to improve these things. A couple of things that have greatly reduced in wasting my time:

1. Be Assertive - Lay down the (reasonable) cards. It shouldn't take a suitor weeks to think about the initial step. The intention is there or it isn't. I personally don't wait for longer than 3 days. That's enough under normal circumstances. If she's unsure about pursing. Guess what? There's thousands more who are sure. Don't waste time and move on.

'I don't want to offend anybody.'
'I don't want to seem desperate.'
'I should just hang around, right?'
'I don't want to cause a scene.'
'He might think something of me.'

I've seen these thoughts and many others like these. Brothers and sisters a like are not getting anywhere through the lack of assertiveness. Time to step up without being difficult or arrogant.

2. Remind them - No one wants to come across as desperate or impatient. People do forget and people do get caught up in their life. Don't be afraid to nudge them. It's your right. And It's improper in keeping you hanging. I usually get updates every day or 2 whenever time permits. If there's no movement, move along - nothing to see here. 

3. Don't put your eggs in one basket - People will let you down. It happens. I wasn't surprised when this happened. Before I approached these brothers, I sought alternative routes.  They delivered and this didn't. It's a part of the journey.

4. Don't take it to heart - I knew 2 of these friends were bad at time keeping, not so much the promises. Here's my general attitude: I don't expect things from people because I will then never be disappointed. If they do something, I will be genuinely surprised. It keeps any ill feelings and bitterness at bay. Lets not get bogged down. The world has as many let ups as let downs. (Just make sure you high five all the let ups, they're awesome people.)

Our Ummah isn't short of time wasters. Lets not be a part of them. It's a horrible quality to have.

A Muslim is not permitted to argue with a fellow Muslim, to make fun of him, or to make him a promise that he cannot keep. [Tirmidhi]

Saying you will do something and not doing it. What you're doing is you're opening the gateway to destruction and corruption not only within your character but throughout your relationships. Don't destroy the very fabric of brotherhood. Think twice and hold to your words tight.

A promise isn't a privilege. It never was and it never will be.  

How Would You React To This?

I met up with a friend and we went to a big, independent, homely coffee shop.

When I walked inside I couldn't help but notice this sister. That one glance had caught my eye and that was it, I didn't need to look again. An hour later she got up and left with her friend.

Whilst talking to my friend, I excused myself for a minute and I was about to do something never done before. I stepped outside the coffee shop and I looked around to see which direction she went. I then saw her a hundred yards down the road to the right. I jogged up to her pace, she turned around and it went something like this:

"Assalamu Alaikum, apologies for approaching you in this fashion and I know this is going to sound bizarre but are you married/looking for marriage?"

Her reaction was priceless. She need some time to collect herself.

"I'm so sorry but this is quite overwhelming. Give me a second, I'm flattered ( ... ) I was looking for marriage and... I guess I still am?" she said.

She then looked at her friend for some reassurance, she got the thumbs up.

"Sorry to drop it on you like this. ( ... ) Can I contact someone who is responsible for you?"

I jogged back to the coffee shop. I had no idea why I was jogging but I was jogging. I sat down and my friend asked me "where did you go?"

"I can't believe I just did that" I said under my breath. I was looking at her father's mobile number on my phone.

What's The Latest?

I've been extremely busy in keeping myself busy. I haven't had the opportunity to write up like I intended. But just a quick overview on what I've been up to.

I've been blessed with this ability to do well whenever I fully apply myself to something. One thing I'm continuously doing is to become the best version of myself in every single way possible. Breaking this down to a simple 3 tier model. Physically, mentally and spiritually would be the main points of interest

Physically
I was always very fit and strong. I decided I wanted to shred up, so I went away and worked a 6-pack. I can officially say I've been in the best shape of my life. I'm right where I've always wanted to be. I can now do muscle ups! I'm working my way to a front lever and one-hand handstand. I 'm not so sure if this would impress a suitor but it keeps me busy.

Mentally
I've had some seriously chilled mantra going on. I don't feel stressed even when the going gets tougher. I've been continuing with self-development from different perspectives and paired up with Islamic principles, I've found new ways in becoming:
i) A better human being.
ii) A better Muslim.
iii) A more effective communicator.

Spiritually
I've maintained a steady flow of ibadah. Although studying tafsir had taken a hit. Mufti who taught us for 3 years was kicked out of the Masjid in standing up against falsehood. We live in strange times. After putting in 3 years and studying 5 days a week, I'm still missing half a qur'an. There is no one teaching tafsir around here. So I'm currently open and looking for some new opportunities. I've found that I'm certainly not reading as much as I once did. I feel more consumed in other areas of my life.

Questing
This has become easier. However, the tests have become increasingly unbearable. More on this another time.

I did get the opportunity to travel, granted it wasn't for as long as I would have liked but it was almost half way around the world with 3 brothers, so I welcomed it with open arms.

That's all for now. I will report back on some findings.

Peace

The Resurgence

Assalamu Alaikum,

Yo yo yo! It's been a while and I pray that you're all well and in the best of imaan and health.

The last 6 months have been another well documented experience. I'm back and I'm going to make a commitment in writing again.

My reasons are many but on top of that list is to raise my level of understanding and awareness. Vague? Perhaps. It will all become clearer.

Yo DJ, it's round 2 baby. Hit me up and spin those entries in!

I Applauded

Make an informed decision, once it's yours.. work with it. When you're having difficulties, work through it. And do your damn best.

You can't dispose of it. That's just being ungrateful. 

You Find Your Dream Girl But . . .

Just something that crossed my mind:

You meet a Muslim girl and she's everything you imagined. She's beautiful, she's hilarious, she's intelligent and her passion for the deen steals your heart. She's all that you want plus more.

The catch? She's half way around the world and her family situation is a gamble. She's not quite sure whether she could hopp across the pond.

Do you take a punt?

Just a thought.

Pretty Woman

    "Pretty woman, walking down the street
    Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
    Pretty woman."

It is true when people talk of how memories fade with time.

Since the beginning of quest, all those faces have faded, they had to. It's a part of growing up. It's there, the detail of all this questing is there, I haven't forgot one bit.. but the characters and their faces? They've disintegrated into a distant memory. The more recent experiences serve as catalysts to quest. I can't recall most of their faces, It happens. Immunisation I call it.

It is also true when people talk of that one face they can never seem to forget. For me, it's a lady whom I never quested. As the sole experience of my life. It illustrates chemistry at its finest.

It was Autumn, late 2009. It's hard to forget this time of the year, everyone is wrapped up to protect themselves from the frosty, crisp British breeze. It was the year of University when I was everywhere attempting  to do everything. Fresh and new to the quest, a smile goes a long way. I befriended all the boys on campus. I rapidly became well known on campus. It was only natural for my paths to cross with people from all walks of life.

As your popularity increases, so do the number of names. From "pretty boy" all the way to "superman." Pretty boy was vain, I never got on well with that. And Superman would bring about giggles. The closest I had come to flying was falling down.

Superman (brown variation), had a lame weakness. Brownies are known in acclimatising to the warmth. We never handled the cold as well as our English counter parts. I would always run to the safe haven - Library.

There was something about our Library on campus. It would be our place to pray, eat, laugh, study, laugh, socialise, sleep, youtube, laugh.. listen to, and talk about complete twaddle. You never seem to forget the hours you spend at a place like that.

As with all chillin' studying sessions, you become hungry. It became a daily tradition, rounding the boys up and rollin' down to our favourite Halaal sandwich joint.

Tummy meet brain, brain meet tummy. Walking up the stairs, the two had started conversing. The world becomes a different place when you're hungry. As the body begins to enter a catabolic state, your stomach eagerly awaits for the next rounds goods, heightening your state of awareness with it's final release of energy.

No matter how skilled I was becoming in lowering my gazing nothing could prepare me for what was about to pursue.

The middle floor was the only exit of a 10 story building. With an open design in planning - In front of you, there was a new cafe; very vogue-esque. Nice, clean and modern. To the left, a large reception desk with a number of advisor talking away. Towards the exit, security and those walking in.

Whilst you're walking in opposite direction talking and laughing away, you notice something looking at you. You have no idea what it is but whatever it is, it looks different. You can't help but look.

Then it began.

That look. That first, innocent look. What happens during that look you have no idea, you fall out of the drivers seat because you don't realise those few seconds were the longest seconds you could think of. It was a uncontrolled shift in a chain of thoughts resulting in a pause and the loss of short term memory. The value of time loses its relativity when this happens. I must have been on the brink of starvation because for that split moment I surpassed the quantum mechanics of time and space.

It was the first time I experienced a brain fart. I had no recollection or control over what had just happened.  All I knew was that I had never seen such a beautiful woman. Such a beautiful woman in hijaab, that I would continue to see for the whole year on campus.

Having never socialised with the opposite sex, It was only natural that we never did speak properly. The whole year I kept seeing her, she would always smile and give a warm Salaam. A really warm, friendly Salaam too. Dare I throw in a wave, yes the wave too.

My boys were always vigilant and sharp. They noticed my funny bone started playing up whenever this happened.

"Soulseek, she would suit you well." The boys nodded in agreement "There's no one quite like you; heck I ain't ever met a dude like you. Let me speak to someone to speak to her" another said.

"No" I said. "It's not open to discussion." And that's how it continued for the whole year.

I heard she was a mathematician and a real fun girl. Every guy wants to befriend a pretty girl. Well, almost.

The question creeps up "Why?" and "Why 3 years on?"

Dreams are a strange circulation of the unconscious. When you wake up and finish praying Fajr, you realise it's that same frosty, crisp British weather.

You look out the window and you smile. "That's a pretty girl."

And It is true, you never forget a face.