Sunday, 1 July 2012

Muslims On Time Keeping And Promises - Shaadi Edition.

Perhaps it's unfair to title this as Muslims as opposed to ethnics. But just a few thoughts on how it should be and how it is.

It's an unwritten rule it for ethnics muslims in showing up late. Heck, I must ensure I arrange a meeting time up to an hour earlier depending on the ethnicity/friend. Even then, they still some how manage to come late. Word.

I was meeting with some new friends recently and to their amazement I happen to be the only ethnic that actually shows up a little early.

It's a good quality to have. It's a part of our culture and our identity as Muslims. It's a part of our Salah in congregation. However, we've increasingly seem to have lost our ways.

Bringing this back to all things marriage, here's something that happened.

5 good friends. Married friends. All of whom I've approached within a week. I've never asked these guys to find me a suitor in the past. I've held the opinion that getting to find a prospect through a mutual friend is always more beneficial as there's the ability to vouch and find out more about a person. I dropped it to them that SS was on the market.

4 of these friends are between 20-25 and they've all been married for a relatively short time. I know what they've all been through in order to get married and they're practising brothers. Guys whom I've helped and befriended. They were on team SS, 'It's about time dude'. Little did they know I've been at this for a while.

They were enthusiastic.

I must say, I was taken back when the following happened:

  • 4 of the 5 brothers had somebody in mind that had either approached them or their wife. A few guys had over 3.
  • 3 of the 5 brothers had promised to make something of it get back to me over a couple of days. It's now been 6 weeks 5 of the 5 brothers have done nothing. 
  • 1 of the 5 brothers stopped responding to me. 
  • 5 of the 5 brothers didn't follow up after 2 weeks. 
  • 2 of the 5 brothers have met me since the initial meet and they never followed up a conversation on marriage. The rest didn't meet nor follow up. 1 of those is from another city.
  • 1 of  the 5 brothers tried. He didn't promise and he's been on the watch. He's only been married for 7 weeks and he had more of a reason not to get back to me over the others.

I understand how it's like, being married and being busy. I really do. It's why we make excuses for each other.

But there's something severely wrong here. 2 of these contacts are wanting to become scholars/imaams. They both promised.  

#RealTalk is real talk. For these guys it was just a matter of "You interested? I'll pass the brother your fathers number." It takes a couple of minutes. And that's how it should be.

Here's an example of what I did for a brother I met in the masjid and my sister's best friend.

1. My sister told me about her friend. I told this brother. He was interested and vice versa. I made a phone call to both parties with my sister present and it took about a minute each. 2 Minutes.
2. Exchanged pictures between the 2. It took them about 10 minutes each to get back to me. 1 minute of my time.
3. We arranged a meet with dates and times.

In total this took 4 and a half minutes of my time. This was the long way of doing things because there was direct contact between both parties as opposed to ringing her wali due to some circumstances.

One of my friends waited 8 weeks for any movement to happen. Then he withdrew because the family were quite frankly on something. This does not compute. Stupid is what it is. And I'm not contributing towards this cause or letting my peers. It's beyond a joke.

I've done this many times in the past and it's a few minutes affair.

It's crap but you have to deal the cards you're dealt with. I'm always finding way to improve these things. A couple of things that have greatly reduced in wasting my time:

1. Be Assertive - Lay down the (reasonable) cards. It shouldn't take a suitor weeks to think about the initial step. The intention is there or it isn't. I personally don't wait for longer than 3 days. That's enough under normal circumstances. If she's unsure about pursing. Guess what? There's thousands more who are sure. Don't waste time and move on.

'I don't want to offend anybody.'
'I don't want to seem desperate.'
'I should just hang around, right?'
'I don't want to cause a scene.'
'He might think something of me.'

I've seen these thoughts and many others like these. Brothers and sisters a like are not getting anywhere through the lack of assertiveness. Time to step up without being difficult or arrogant.

2. Remind them - No one wants to come across as desperate or impatient. People do forget and people do get caught up in their life. Don't be afraid to nudge them. It's your right. And It's improper in keeping you hanging. I usually get updates every day or 2 whenever time permits. If there's no movement, move along - nothing to see here. 

3. Don't put your eggs in one basket - People will let you down. It happens. I wasn't surprised when this happened. Before I approached these brothers, I sought alternative routes.  They delivered and this didn't. It's a part of the journey.

4. Don't take it to heart - I knew 2 of these friends were bad at time keeping, not so much the promises. Here's my general attitude: I don't expect things from people because I will then never be disappointed. If they do something, I will be genuinely surprised. It keeps any ill feelings and bitterness at bay. Lets not get bogged down. The world has as many let ups as let downs. (Just make sure you high five all the let ups, they're awesome people.)

Our Ummah isn't short of time wasters. Lets not be a part of them. It's a horrible quality to have.

A Muslim is not permitted to argue with a fellow Muslim, to make fun of him, or to make him a promise that he cannot keep. [Tirmidhi]

Saying you will do something and not doing it. What you're doing is you're opening the gateway to destruction and corruption not only within your character but throughout your relationships. Don't destroy the very fabric of brotherhood. Think twice and hold to your words tight.

A promise isn't a privilege. It never was and it never will be.  


  1. That's facinating how you go about finding a mate looking to married brothers to help,and I agree about if we say we are going to do something we need to execute,it's better not to tell people we are going to do anything unless we have the time and energy to do it for sure,and it reflects badly on our religion if we go about doing things as these brothers have done to you.

    Also I am facinated by your mind in how you have left the u out of pursuing because some Christian women pursue like men males to get money,it's all I seem to see as they don't trust God as their Provider,it just brakes my heart both for God and males that are being chased relentlessly by female Preditors.Do you have this problem too?And may I say like Adam you have a brilliant mind to let this slip in.

  2. What happend to the coffee shop girl ?

  3. Subhanallah your friends aren't good at time keeping.
    Perhaps you should apply the same "late-ness" to their promises. It's going to take them some time - probably for as long as it takes before they meet the particular woman/women they had in mind for you.

    P.S. I'm with SS, I want to know what happened to Coffee Shop Girl too.

  4. This aspect of people saddens me too. JazakAllah khayr for the good advice and reminders though. I had the same problem with some people, but they became more proactive when they realised that within the time they had forgotten/delayed contacting someone they had in mind for me for months on end, they were engaged to someone else :/.

  5. 3 days. That's how long it took me to get through all your posts. I feel like I have been watching you grow through the whole 4 years! Man where has the time gone! I really like this blog I have learned a lot and considered things about marriage that never even crossed my mind. I am for sure not ready for marriage. Sometimes I wonder if these are real because it seems to be like some sort of after school special where you go through these interesting experiences and at the end you figure a reason for it. I say when you get married you continue a blog about the married life.