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Monday, 21 July 2014

Seeking Small Wins

It's 6:30am and I'm waiting to go to work. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. I know I have a further 15 hours to go until I break my fast.

I'm typing on the phone with a mere 16%. My PC is packed. Everything is packed, and in boxes. The mattress is on the floor. It's hot. It's humid. And I feel aggravated.

No, I haven't slept the night and no, I haven't stayed up the whole night doing iba'dah. Rather, I've been trying my best to remain patient. That, in and of itself has been my Ramadan in a nutshell.

I fantasise most of my working hours thinking of sleep. It's something I've done very little of and the consequences are devastating. In fact, in the last 2 months I've not slept many hours uninterrupted. I muster up all my energy to deal with my circumstances, I deplete them and then I await the next day making dua Allah gives me the energy to deal with them.

As of late, praying Isha in the masjid and then praying Fajr in the masjid is amongst one of many small actions have been keeping me from tipping off the edge. Those 2 salah's prayed in the masjid equate to the whole night in prayer. Every window of opportunity that Allah has magnified have become the biggest of blessings in my life.

I'm looking for small wins because right now anything beyond that is too much of an ask. Doing beyond that is precisely what shaytaan wants.

Allow me to explain.

Shaytaan can glorify optional iba'dah over obligatory and sunnah iba'dah. If I were to expend my time, energy and efforts in optional things. I would not have the energy, and be less inclined to pour my efforts into the bigger and more rewardable actions. If I were to push a little more, it would have consequences, such as losing sight of the bigger picture. And that's difficult. That's difficult when it's Ramadan. That's difficult when all you want to do is seclude yourself and praise Allah. That's even more difficult when you set a benchmark.

That's my Ramadan and it upsets me greatly to know that this Ramadan hasn't been the most Qur'an that I've recited. It upsets me that the intent I made to memorise one juz just quite frankly did not happen. In fact, I can't help but feel ashamed when I attend taraweeh being led by 16 year olds and their commitment to the Qur'an makes me realise how far I've fell behind.

I pray Allah grants stability in the lives of those that are dispersed and  oppressed. To those that are struggling and to myself. Ameen.

4 comments:

  1. Ameen. Sometimes small wins are the biggest achievements. Keep going.

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  3. May Allah(swt) make it easy for you bro....what happened to the next part of sedated under euphoria?? Who was the girl?? Confused...

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  4. Its a challenge either way...being married has its own challenges..although its great in many ways does bring joy for sure...your whole blog ever since I've been following it...sounds too sad...its good your focusing on small wins...your positive and determined...you dont seem to give up and work hard for what you want...whatever it is your going through IA will eventually turn into ease. One thing I always noticed was falling in love doesn't happen by picking and choosing...that happens when two people become vulnerable to each other....knowing that no matter how many mistakes we make ....the other will forgive and love us through it all....emotional break downs....anger...silly choices...that we will learn and grow together...and never ever think it was a mistake (unless its abuse which of course is different) I think we dont reach our reward or milestone..next phase of life until our attitude and mindset become what Allah wants ....because we make dua. You said in one of your old posts..I just don't want to make a mistake...you have to leave room in life to make mistakes...you have to allow each other to make mistakes...its not necessarily unhealthy all the time...I hope Allah brings the right one your way soon...( even though we know your not seeking marriage anymore) lol...keep counting small wins..:) And keep posting!!!

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