It's 6:30am and I'm waiting to go to work. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. I know I have a further 15 hours to go until I break my fast.
I'm typing on the phone with a mere 16%. My PC is packed. Everything is packed, and in boxes. The mattress is on the floor. It's hot. It's humid. And I feel aggravated.
No, I haven't slept the night and no, I haven't stayed up the whole night doing iba'dah. Rather, I've been trying my best to remain patient. That, in and of itself has been my Ramadan in a nutshell.
I fantasise most of my working hours thinking of sleep. It's something I've done very little of and the consequences are devastating. In fact, in the last 2 months I've not slept many hours uninterrupted. I muster up all my energy to deal with my circumstances, I deplete them and then I await the next day making dua Allah gives me the energy to deal with them.
As of late, praying Isha in the masjid and then praying Fajr in the masjid is amongst one of many small actions have been keeping me from tipping off the edge. Those 2 salah's prayed in the masjid equate to the whole night in prayer. Every window of opportunity that Allah has magnified have become the biggest of blessings in my life.
I'm looking for small wins because right now anything beyond that is too much of an ask. Doing beyond that is precisely what shaytaan wants.
Allow me to explain.
Shaytaan can glorify optional iba'dah over obligatory and sunnah iba'dah. If I were to expend my time, energy and efforts in optional things. I would not have the energy, and be less inclined to pour my efforts into the bigger and more rewardable actions. If I were to push a little more, it would have consequences, such as losing sight of the bigger picture. And that's difficult. That's difficult when it's Ramadan. That's difficult when all you want to do is seclude yourself and praise Allah. That's even more difficult when you set a benchmark.
That's my Ramadan and it upsets me greatly to know that this Ramadan hasn't been the most Qur'an that I've recited. It upsets me that the intent I made to memorise one juz just quite frankly did not happen. In fact, I can't help but feel ashamed when I attend taraweeh being led by 16 year olds and their commitment to the Qur'an makes me realise how far I've fell behind.
I pray Allah grants stability in the lives of those that are dispersed and oppressed. To those that are struggling and to myself. Ameen.