After the last ordeal, I'm in the process of trying to pick myself up and move on. It was a lot more difficult than I imagined. The long sleepless nights. Against your will. Reflecting. Thinking about the smallest and stupidest of things.
Sometimes one just becomes preoccupied in just 'living'. The opportunity of taking some true quality time out to think doesn't present itself. It didn't for me anyhow.
Umrah did a lot for me. It restored my faith in a lot of areas. It provided me with the time, space to think and reflect. Medina was the definition of tranquility. I can't describe my love for Makkah and Medina. It was an experience of a lifetime. I met some amazing people there.
I found answers.
The last 12 months of my life have been indescribable. I've learnt so much about myself. I've also had some of the best moments of my life. I've also faced some of the most difficult ones. It's safe to say that this period defined me as a person. The latter few months were an emotional rollercoaster. This part, I had difficulties in understanding and dealing with. I was never much of an emotional person. I did find it hard to deal with some feelings I hadn't experienced before. Ah well, It's all a part of the experience.
In Makkah and Medina this topic, this topic of girls and marriage found its way everywhere I went. From shop keepers to qur'an hafiz's. Even with people who didn't speak the same language! They would ask by using gestures to ask if I was married like pointing at the ring finger. How ironic. This topic always crept up.
Bringing all this back. My zeal for marriage has pretty much gone. I want to, and I see the importance of it. But I've hit that point in my life where it's time to take a back seat. I've had enough of it.
That energy and attitude I once used to have for this subject is no more.
If a good potential crops up I won't dismiss her but at this moment in time it seems the girls I'm attracting are those that are scared of commitment. I want to get on with things without this becoming the center of attention. This is how it should have always been. There should never be a time where you should exhaust your efforts. As there is generally never a 'right time'.
So here I am. A free soul. Somewhat emotionally distraught. Going with the flow. This is not me giving up. This is me taking a step back. Striving in becoming the man I'm destined to be. A good man. I've seen what it means to be good and I've put it into practice. I have no care or fear of the unseen nor the future of the unseen. I have genuine belief that Allah's roadmap is far better than mine.
Sometimes. Just sometimes. Maybe you don't have to try so hard.
Here. Now. A new chapter begins. Alone with nothing but faith. Nothing but faith. I will succeed Insha'allah. A strong and positive attitude goes a long way. I know, I've done it before.
Peace out,
Walaikum Salaam.
Yes I know what you mean. You need to focus on yourself to let the emotional wounds heal and to become the best you can be. Strive for excellence and insh'Allah the rest will sort itself out. Allah is the best of planners.
ReplyDeleteStay focused and stay strong Br SS.
Masalaam.
Does this mean your not gonna post anymore???
ReplyDeleteAs for yoru experience...the whole vibe of makkah & medina helps to put life back into perspective. Makes you realise whats important in life and what is not!
When you can walk away from a situation and feel the need to re-evaluate yourself, then that's the beginning of change. And it's the road of self-improvement. sA, we're just humans, made of water and clay - there's so mcuh we have to do to our own nafs.
ReplyDeleteTake your time bro, there's no rush. All that Allah has ordained for you, you will have.
Salam.
You're reminding me of myself - a few years ago :)
ReplyDeleteI also had this lightbulb moment where I realised I was being too intense. This 'quest' of marriage had become my sole mission - to the exclusion of almost everything else. It's like I was so obsessed with this mission that I was missing out on other parts of life.
So, in my mind, I resolved to step back in the intensity.
And at one point, a few years later, I even lost the drive for it -and everything else. Like I was just static and floating in a pond - with no currents pushing or pulling me in any direction.
To continue the analogy, what I realised was that in that state - that state of nothingness and lack of motivation - the only way to go was down: go deep underwater, into my soul. Connect with my Creator by striving to be close to Him. And through that, alhamdullilah, things came right.
I don't know you - but it's like I feel connected to you because of your struggle - a struggle that I went through for almost 6 (long and intense) years. I can relate to you because I know what it's like, and some of your experiences are like a mirror to my own past.
But I think, with your new attitude and approach, you're definitely on the right path. The statement "I have genuine belief that Allah's roadmap is far better than mine" is an enormous truth which, once you truly accept it in your heart, makes life and struggle much easier.
So I wish you all the best in your road ahead. May Allah truly cause you to grow and prepare you for what is to come.
And if you still need some hope, there's a poem I wrote soon before I got married - which I hope will be of benefit:
http://dreamlife.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/dedication/
Keep well and keep striving. And remember that everything...EVERYTHING...comes by Allah's permission. So it's absolutely clear that the way to get what you want - and what you truly need - is by pleasing Allah.
I think you're in a good place right now with regard to all of this, so keep going strong, and insha-Allah your dreams - and so much more - will come true.
Assalamu alaikum,
ReplyDeletewhats pretty neat is that when i finally gave up on marriage myself, i actually got married. So inshallah your time is coming soon.
Have you have heard of www.practimate.com? It offers awesome advice and tips for brothers and sisters in search of getting married.
Wish you the best.
Wasalamu alaikum
salamunalaikum.
ReplyDeleteGlorified be he who created us human beings in pairs. (Qur'an #36:36)Everyone one of us will get his/her share, some early,some late.some here itslef and few in hereafter.
"My zeal for marriage has pretty much gone."
ReplyDeleteIt's really interesting that I was pretty much in the exact same position at that time. Too much on my mind, things not working out as I had planned. Alhumdulillah, things get better with time.