Sunday, 8 August 2010

Why You Don't Want Emotional Baggage

The Romeo inside of me has calmed down. I feel I can see things more clearly. I'd like to share a very valuable lesson that I learnt. Something I could have only learnt by experience.



I'm going to be totally honest. I haven't been feeling great. 
I felt that I could make things better for you.  I don't know why but I just did. 
I felt quite stupid when things ended. 
I said to myself, way to go man, you just wasted a lot of time. 
So much time.
I then remembered. Life is just a journey. 
You played a good part. The lead role in a spectacular finale.
That's all it was. A show.

You taught me patience. You taught me what it would mean to be caring.
You helped me realise what it means to be a man. 
I will never. I repeat, never make the same mistakes again.
I was upset that things didn't work out.
But I was more upset that I didn't take a step back and listen to Allah. 

Emotions. A dear lesson to learn; I've learnt mine. 

 Move on

Inexperienced and young. I'll take take you two and make you mine. Women has never been my field of expertise. On the contrary, from my experiences I honestly thought I was losing my mind when I realised how different women are to us.

I used to have so many problems identifying whether an action was something of her own doing or just how women were. The worst thing you can do is go to friends who are just as dysfunctional as yourself. So yeah, I used to hit up the brothers who had a lot of experience in their previous ghetto (pre-islamic) lives and I must say that I was pretty surprised. There's a big difference between these brothers and me. I had never been in a relationship nor had the experience in dealing women. I was very much like a child that no idea or direction. Just trying to figure out what the deal is in the simplest terms possible.

"No way", "Really", "Are all women like that?" and ermmmm bro "I don't think she can cook" - The list was endless. I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. It was . . . bizarre and funny. The women I've had in my life are Mum, Sisters, Sister In-Laws and Cousins. I had never experienced this. I had a lot of good times and bad times.

Looking back at Aisha, cool sister. Only way I can summarise her. But boy did this girl have issues.We all have some kind of emotional baggage, it's only normal. But some men/women have far too much. Some of the things Aisha told me, I felt so sorry for her. I had started to lower my expectations significantly. I became  lenient in the expectations for her behaviour and what I wanted. I felt like I had to be there for her.

She was and is emotionally broken. I'm sorry, I really wish I could say this in a nice way but I cannot. Her attitude and outlook rung true. I could feel her weight bringing me down. My frowns were more apparent than my smiles. I wish I could face the people that made her life like this, deal with them and fix her but I couldn't.

Every single day I felt like I wasn't only helping her through hardship, I was fighting against her past. All her demons. She had a lot of demons. Fighting this war nearly took me hostage. Every time her world went down, I would be the one to help her pick it up. At times she would use that regression against me. I became fed up with the situation but here is my where weakness lied. I saw some kind of happiness and I thought I could help bring that out in her. However, these people need help from those who deal with issues like these and sometimes, even then, they can't be fixed. It is the sad truth.

My heart goes out to women like these, it really does. But sometimes it's too much.

I felt like a youth worker. Helping a seriously troubled girl. Jeeez, I didn't sign up for this. I only wanted to marry her.

I ask myself; If I felt like this now, how would it be like in a marriage? Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough. Doing it with all the bad/evil people from her past. It's not a fight anyone should face given the option. I want to be happy.

"Marry someone with low mileage, a functioning human being with healthy self-esteem. They need less maintenance." [Marty Carr]

Straight up. I don't need emotional baggage. I've come to the understanding now and this girly girl was not for me.

Have faith in Allah. Everything does happen for a reason. 

So here I go again. Sigh. Hustlin' 'n bustlin' solo. Who am I kidding? I love it.



  1. Sorry things didnt work out. But then you two were never meant to be. At least now, you see things a little bit clearer. Now you have an idea of what you DONT want in a partner.

    May ALLAH bless you and all us other singletons with spouses that will bring us comfort and joy and especially someone who strenthens our imaan.

  2. no one can save someone without them wanting to be saved.
    its a conscious choice- to be saved. to save themselves.
    to choose you.

  3. Ameen to Kav-Lee's dua. As they say, whatever happens is for the best. Don't regret and don't dwell on it. Accept it as Allah's will and inshaAllah He will provide for you what you need. Sometimes we can only do so much to help others. They also need the will to help themselves. Keep her in your duas as well because she certainly needs them.

  4. Love knows no boundaries.

    If you really liked/loved her, you would still be overlooking her faults. And even if you have realized her faults (which is a good thing), it's best not to write them out for the rest of the world to read. I'm sure, like you and everyone else in this world, Aisha had very good qualities (which you probably don't see anymore) that hid her faults. It's why you fell for her in the first place. The two of you being together just wasn't meant to be.

    'I felt like a youth worker. Helping a seriously troubled girl. Jeeez, I didn't sign up for this. I only wanted to marry her haha!' <- I'm sorry but this is just mean.

    Cherish the good times/conversations with her. Keep the good memories. Make dua for her and yourself instead and move on.

  5. as salam

    thanks for the comment on my blog. i agree with H here though- just thank Allah for taking you out of it and then concentrate on the good of her- you know that hadith about searching for 40 excuses for your muslim brethren...

    anyway if you were willing to move to cape town i could hook you up with a few of my single sisters who are so pious ma'shaAllah...


    the offer stands- as i said on my blog- im on a man search for them. i think more marriages for the sake of Allah are needed and well moving mountains to reach that goal shoud'nt stop us....

  6. every single person comes with a suitcase full of secrets. the important thing isnt how many secrets there are.....but rather, how well the person can deal with easily they can discard them...and heres the solid much that person Means to You- so that their secrets become yours. Because ultimately, when you marry, you Will be carrying each others suitcase.

    its good you realised now that you werent right for her.
    May Allah help you with your search...

    p.s. 'may he who has eyes for only the rose, see only the thorns.'
    its a quote from an indian poet, tagore.
    EVERYBODY has their thorns:)

  7. Salaam,

    prbs not best to broadcast everything, I'm sure she wouuldnt appreciate it if she knew about this post.

    having said this, it would be emotionally draining to have to deal with all that. However, when you get married the husband usually has to be that strong pillar for the wife to lean on. Then you will just have to "man up" and face it. No matter how emotionally draining it might be.

    also not the best way to go about things. i.e. dating and having a relationship.

    Make du'aa for her that things get better and that she can heal with time.
    Make du'aa for yourself so that you only get something that you can cope with.

    From your sister in Islam,