Sunday, 8 November 2009

The one that got away

I remember when I first heard her speak. It was at a debate. She raised her hand and made a comment. I was surprised to learn it was a young lady. Wow. Mashallah! I was impressed. I have never heard a female talk so eloquently. In fact, it's abnormal for a young person to talk like that. Yes I learnt that because I too, was one of these abnormal people who talked too much sense for a kid. I had no idea who she was. This was over 3 years ago, maybe 4?

I attended an event about 2 years ago. Guess who was chairing the event? It was the mystery girl! Noor (light) glowing on her face, dressed ever so modestly. She was beautiful. More so, she was pious and intelligent. This time I left with a name.

I soon got caught up in my world. I moved on, life moved on.

A few weeks ago on facebook, I was posting on a friends wall. I noticed a note he was tagged in. It was by the same girl. I was like ooooooo . . eeeee.

I touched a few bases to find out more about her. Same age, same year of University. She even had the same hobbies and interests! Interesting . .

She had a mutual friend. A sincere, pious Sister I knew. I dropped her a message asking her if she could pursue this girl and find out if she was interested in marriage. Bless her. She was more than willing to be of assistance. May Allah reward her for her assistance.

Off she went to plant a few seeds and drop some references.

I got word back and she said she only seems to be interested if I was willing to relocate to the other end of the country. She wasn't even interested in finding out more about me. She'd just 'consider me' based on that premise. I scrutinised more and sister x asked her more questions.

I was left dumbstruck. So was sister x. Girls are complaining there are no decent men around and vice versa. I'm rejected solely based on conditional criteria? Wow! Not quite as rational and intelligent as I may have thought.

The graduate scheme I've been eyeing up is based around there. However based on her original premise I don't think it would have worked out well. I'm also greatful to have found out this early in the stage.

Bummed out . . . . but It's just another excuse for the inevitable plan that Allah (swt) has in-store.

Howzat for a bombshell?

And so it continues . . 


  1. its for the best. dont beat yourself over it

  2. Bummed is right... -__-"

    *sigh* when you think you're getting there...yup... just... a few... inches...and ... you'll... bam whack alakazam!!

    Turned down flat...

    But looked at the bright side... I mean, in my opinion, where my guy is going to be, I'm going to be. That's what makes marriage a sacrifice. If you're not going to give in for the sake of a get together, then bid your chances farewell.

    Soul, this ain't a dead end... "Walk well, my brother" - Farley Mowat.

    ;) Sparkle

  3. As salaam walaikum bro,

    You could have considered moving after your graduate program, no? Especially if you felt she was a really good sister otherwise. Everyone has to make adjustments sometimes. Maybe she had a similar plan for herself which is why she preferred not to move.

  4. Maybe when she finds a bit more about you, and you interact more, she will be more willing to adjust her strict criteria. Also, I guess she doesnt want to be far from home! But I wish you the best of luck!

  5. why would you refuse this sister simply based ont he fact that she would want you to move? she may have very important reasons for this- thus if you feel about her as you described then surely you are being foolish in letting her get away so easily.

  6. S4N & beasuappear - Clarification. She refused me before I had any say in it.

    I did say in my response it was possible but nothing is set in stone, as with all plans.

    After trying for a long time I wouldn't dismiss something like this so easily. What is one to do when there are no alternatives?

  7. One is to pray to Allah (SWT) that insha'Allah something better comes his way. Allah (SWT) is the best of planners. Sometimes what we want is not best for us. Keep your head up brother...insha'Allah you'll find the one soon...someone who won't reject you simply based on your geographical location.

    In defense of the sister...she might have a valid excuse for rejecting you....70 excuses and all that.

  8. Relocation before getting to know a brother better? I call foul.

    I used to think brothers might be the ones with all the impossible standards (living in the West and all), but this makes me wonder if the scales of blame should tip in their direction.

    Some advice to the sisters with proposals: getting to know someone's deen before their dunya is probably a better way to approach it.

  9. As'salaam Walaikum,

    she has a plan in mind..which is set in stone. Being a female,emotions: she probably didnt want to know anything else about u and have her emtions, reject him and keep my set in stone rules, set. Before they start to weather away w/ feelings for 'so and so'

    a strong willed sister, props to her, and insh'Allah khair in ur journey


  10. Hijaabified - Truth be spoken and ameen.

    Nomad - I agree. It's a two way street. I think the blame lies with both brothers and sisters. There's always some twisted logic in there :)

    Niqabi - It's all speculation, Allah knows best.

  11. Assalaamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh !!

    brother i have read a couple of your blogs.. basically on multiple attempts for the right spouse...

    well it is not appropriate to look at a Muslim women for any means except for a single look by mistake.

    The Noble Qur'an 24:30

    Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.

    you seem to be describing respected Muslim women in a very unfortunate way which is not appropriate in Islam.
    First question that one may ask is, why were you looking at her in the first place? and/or who are you to look at her in such a way?
    so far you have mentioned a few of your struggles. Each case has a different girl, now you cannot marry all the girls you have therefore you are looking and dreaming of girls who are not related to you and will never be. They ll marry someone else while you will continue dreaming about these girls and their beauty.
    Now brother imagine a bunch of guys dreaming about your wife? And who knows how far they go during their "Dreaming" stage...

    Sincere apologies if something was said wrong, whatever mentioned above is not an argument nor am I attacking you. Hope you understand the matter.
    take care and Assalaamu Alaikum Warahmatullah Wabrakatuh !!

  12. Assalamu alaikum

    Excellent advice by brother Yousuf above. Jazak Allah Khair.

  13. Walaikum Salam,

    Yusuf - Valid point. You're right, it's not permissible in Islam to check out women.

    However for marriage the prophet (saw) said "When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. [Abu Dawud]".

    Every individual is accountable for his intentions of an action.

    I fail to see where you've got this notion of me dreaming about these girls? I think you're missing the point of my intent to blog. I have no desire to 'dream' about the unseen. Allah (swt) has preordained every believers path.

    Allah knows best.

  14. Salaams Seek,

    Like you said, it's a two way street, but I don't believe that you should have rejected her (or refused) based on that premise. man you're too harsh!

    I'm sure, two mutual grown up can come to some sort of understanding after they communicate and you said that the grad school you are eyeing on, might be in the same region.

    i call it being obstinate on your part, brother. you should have give it a try anyway.
    for her intelligent self, she might be a strong promising reason- you can't judge too soon.

    sorry, i thought i shud be blunt since noone else was.

  15. Walaikum Salaam,

    I'm not sure if we're reading the same message but she wasn't even interested! lol :)

  16. slms. i knew of a really pious girl who rejected ppl solely based on geography.
    well. when it wasnt personality etc. but that was her first edit.

    because her parents were poor and her mother was dying of cancer and she knew she was their only solace.

    for a girl- its hard to leave behind what is proven to be good and right (your parents) for someone you're not even sure off.
    we do it anyways hoping that the sacrfice will reap its rewards.
    but when were leaving 2 old ppl who will be alone, in pain...or just struggling.

    then its a hard thing to do.
    (and sometimes, because a girls heart is rather not have it broken and so, end things before they can begin.)

    (just a little window to consider there...)