"And We created everything in pairs that perhaps you might take heed." [Qur'an 51:49]
A number of months back I had a number of potentials available. It was a very busy time at uni along with with Islamic commitments. I turned to istikharaa and it lead me down this route. A route of meeting a very precious diamond.
A quick background; her parents were of a very academic background, daddy's only baby girl, very pious and the most intelligent woman I've had the pleasure of engaging with. A year younger than me.
From the very start we set the precedence of informing our parents so they were completely aware of our intentions and communication. All halal. Things moved fast. Really fast. This girl really tested me. Lets just say I've never answered so many questions in my life. Think hundreds of questions. I was very impressed. Alhamdulillah. Things were going extremely well. We hit a few hurdles but I'm firm believer in where there is a will there's always a way.
We came extremely far in such a short period of time. There were a number of people on the ground whom we referred to for istisha'raa (consultation of those we trust). We both gained extremely positive/pious references. Every aspect for marriage checked out. Personalities/Piety/Backgrounds etc
She was extremely tight knit with her parents which I really admired and respected. However, this meant her decisions were heavily influenced by her parents.
Long story short her father said it probably wasn't a good idea in us getting married. He felt our families wouldn't be compatible. Fine, I accept that but I didn't even get the opportunity to meet with them in person nor did they mine.
Me being me, I always try to the best of my abilities. I wrote the father a letter and I addressed his concerns but it seems like there was no basis for his decision. He told me his references checked out that; I was a very decent, mature and pious guy and they heard good of my father. He also thanked me on his and his wife's behalf for treating their daughter with the utmost respect. He said she held me in very high esteem. This left me extremely confused.
From what I understood, his basis for his decision was that his reference suggested that our families were very different. Okay fair enough but at least see for yourself if that is the case? Is diffierent bad? What is different? I still genuinely don't understand but sometimes we just have to accept certain circumstances. I still wasn't dismissed per se but we both needed closure. She said she was very sad to learn people tried to sabotage this this potential marriage by stirring up a number of issues. I got a good jist of the issue as a number concerns came my way. Alhamdulillah, she saw past all that. Ah - we live in a very sad state of affairs in this ummah.We decided to get closure and let it be. We left things on an extremely respectable note. She held me in a very, very high regard and vice versa.
This was 3 weeks ago. I went through that very difficult phase of reprogramming myself and my emotions.
I had never seen her in real life although she had seen me. Earlier this week at an Islamic event, I was walking and I noticed someone looking over at me. It was her. Wow. Subhaan'Allah. Such a beautiful, elegant and modest woman. Now - I really understand when all my references came back telling me that 'I must tie this camel'. When you put the most amazing personality to that face in person it really does make it that wee bit more difficult! That look she gave me . . . hurt. My heart and feelings have been at discomfort since.
Jummah morning I woke up got ready and on my way out I just saw my mother. I hugged her and briefly told her. She suggested that I should get in contact with her again and allow my mother to speak to her so she may communicate with her parents.
I strongly believe that when a chapter is closed it should stay closed. Sometimes its better to let go. Or is it?
I'm extremely blessed to have some amazing brothers whom that I can console in and receive advice, especially in such circumstances.
Allahu Allam. There is someone else but I now need to contemplate. Don't be sad and the Qur'an - you are my saviour.
I pray that Allah makes it easier.
wow, that sounds really sad. i don't really know what to say, bro.
ReplyDeleteI guess her father thinks that he can get another guy who is just as pious and stuff but also has other qualities. I think people don't realize how rare piety, modesty, and such things are these days. You can find people who are beautiful, charming, and superficially nice in droves, but finding someone who is pious is not, and maybe that's what the father doesn't understand. I say if you find a pious person, hold on to them, because you don't know when's the next time you'll find one again.
also, you mentioned that "people tried to sabotage this this potential marriage by stirring up a number of issues."
I was wondering if you could explain how to prevent this kind of thing from happening. Like if some people, like relatives or whatever are trying to stir up issues, how do you prevent them from doing so or counter them?
anyway, good luck and may allah make it easy for you.
If there comes to yo uwith an offer of marriage (for your daughter, sister, etc) one with whose religious Eman and character (Akhlaq) you are pleased, then marry (your daughter, sister, etc) to him. If you do not do so, there will mischief on earth and widespread corruption (atTirmidhi).
ReplyDeleteSalaam soulseek, while reading your blog post, I was reminded of this hadith. I think that your potential suitor's parents are being unjust. Perhaps they think it is easy to reject you since they have not met you. If I was the girl's father, I would be overjoyed at having a son-in-law like yourself because you took the time to write him a letter. I honestly agree with you that it's best to leave things alone if they do not work out but I also think that if you respect this young woman, then you should try once more with the help and interception of your parents. Do not give up so easily!! Because when will you find someone that you like this much?
May our hardships bring us closer to Allah, Ameen!
If I was her father I would marry you to my daughter just because you actually took the time to write me a letter and not send me an e-mail. That should have told so much about your personality. But InshAllah you'll find someone better. I've recently started noticing marriage blogs and I came across yours. They're all very interesting and the stories are so down to earth and true. Good luck with school and wife hunting! ^^
ReplyDeleteGood luck buddy, but you will eventually find someone, as for the girl, she won't. I'm sorry to be pessemistic, but any girl who listens to her parents this much, and does exactly what she says, and they have such extreme views, will never get married. I'm 32 years old, and every guy I accepted to marry my parents refused for one reason or another. Those, who they didn't refuse, I began to refuse if I saw in them a quality my parents had refused before. Finally, last year a sheikh told me I have to confront my parents and tell them I need their help. We're still working on that. I hope we can come to an agreement before I turn 40! Isn't the whole point of marriage when you're young is so you can have a family! I'm sick of teaching my old high school friends' children and not having my own (by the way I teach high school and university level, my friends got married a long time ago!)Look at me, I turned this into something about myself, anyways your friend, she needs to talk to her parents and get them to understand, Mr. Perfect in their mind doesn't exist! And if she finds Mr. OK in real life, and as Maryam commented, he has good deen and akhlaq, they need to be understanding and help their daughter be happy. Did they forget what it is like to be young?
ReplyDeletey - So true!
ReplyDeleteGood question, I think that in itself merits a blog entry - I'm currently facing this again and in short there's nothing you can do. I will elaborate in due course insha'Allah.
Mariam - Walaikum Salaam. Shukran for your response. I agree it's unjust. She didn't want to take it any further as she respected her fathers position. I respect her a lot and for that reason, I accepted her whim to let it be.
Trust me, I did not give up easily. I really did try my best but Allah knows best. Ameen to your dua.
Humie - ^_^ Jazakallah khair for your kind words.
Leila - I'm inclined to agree. In order to move I felt it was for the best as it seemed as intelligent as she was, a lot of her decisions were based on her parents. I respect this to a degree but I think it's important for an individual to try to the best of their abilities and do everything within the remit when one is presented with a situation similar to mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you approached someone for external help and I hope it works out for you Insha'Allah.
Unfortunately contacting her again isn't an option. She made it quite clear and I think it's important to maintain some self-respect considering I did go as far as I was permitted to do so.
Getting married young is definitely awesome. That's why I continue with the search . .
May Allah(swt) grant us all success in our efforts insha'Allah.
Asalaamu alykum Brother,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about your hurt.
Again, Allah swt does not burden us with something we can't bare. inshaAllah you have the ability to face this difficult issue. You can!
But, Please don't be harsh against her, sometimes it makes sense to be loyal to people whom you have known your entire life than someone you just met yesterday. Figuratively speaking!
Give her some more time-just let her you will be waiting when she's ready to move on. Be persistent. You'll get it inshaAllah :)
Walaikum Salaam,
ReplyDeleteI am in no way being harsh against her. If anything I posses so much respect for her.
I moved on because there was nothing in it. She gave up. I didn't even get an opportunity with her father even after demonstrating how far I was willing to go.
In these situations it requires two hearts to work.
Even after seeing her again recently it just strikes as bizarre. But Alhamdulillah, we must all move on as it's the only way forward :)
salams again,
ReplyDeleteSo your recent post isn't about "her"? :S
Walaikum Salaam,
ReplyDeleteIt isn't.
Asalamu alykum again,
ReplyDeleteCould you help those of who who haven't had a chance to go through the "trial" process. Would you mind sharing a handful of useful questions you were asked? (which you thought were "intelligent questions?" or which questions would you ask?
I think, most of the muslim/muslimah tend to look for the similar qualities. Yet, not all of us are good with words or with the whole proper technique of interrogation the potential prospects.
i'm not sure if you'd feel comfortable sharing them in public. if so, Can i email you?
jazaks bro
are not *
ReplyDeletewalikum asalaam
Walaikum Salaam,
ReplyDeleteI would be comfortable in sharing them and boy do I have *a lot* to share in this aspect :)
This is something I intend to cover after my exams insha'Allah. So do bear with me.