Sedated Under Euphoria

"You have really nice teeth." That's the last voice I registered. "You should really invest in Sonicare's diamondcare, it's quality" is the last thing I spoke.

That's what I remember before being awoken by a sharp noise piercing through the temple of my head. I opened my eyes. Bright reflections of teal scrubs were surrounding my body. "He seems to be coming around" she said.

"This" was the first word. "feels, really weirrrrr" before my body jolted off the bed. "I dohn" before jolting up again. I had never experience such cold. My joints felt like they had been taken apart, I was dislocated, disabled and unable to move. I could hear my teeth snapping. "Why am I shivering?" I asked. "Can you call her please". After my body jumped up a few more times, I told Sarah "I don't understand why this is happening."

"Don't worry SoulSeek, you've reacted in an unusual way. You're going to be okay."

"This is really weird." I said. Taking in what she said "Thank you, can you please call her?" I asked the other nurse.

The heat started from my feet and made it's way to my body. The shivering started to slow down. I was given a number of tablets and injections. "You're going to fall asleep again soon." I was told by Sarah

It's a nostalgic feeling.

You step outside of your body, conscious and full aware of what's happening, down to the intricate details of what's being used and for what purpose. Whilst all this is happening, you're thinking of a future and you talk of that future whilst shivering. I've been to this place before but I don't know how and I don't know when, I thought. The colour tones have a green/blue undertone. A tone of my childhood. A tone that represents everything surrounding and associated with comfort and happiness. It is a place where I feel at rest with my fingers interlocked behind my head with my elbows point up to the sky. And you see all those people associated with that moment. This was that moment. She came rushing and she held my hand. My body jumped up again and she started to rub the palm of my hand, this time she held my hand firmer. It was a hold that would never leave my side. I smiled at her. After reassuring me, she refused to leave. "I promise you one thing." I paused. "Allah is my witness here. We're going to get through this." I said. I have never felt so proud of anyone and this is a feeling that I can only describe as a new experience. I've always had this place for her and she knows it but the peak keeps increasing after milestones.

I asked her if she had prayed Maghrib and eaten anything. I reminded her to take the papers out of the locker. This is the part where my eyes drifted away.

She was not my mother. Nor was she my sister. Rather, she was the most perfect thing to have stepped into my life. 

Dua Request

Assalamu Alaikum,

Just a small request to you all. I managed to get a last minute slot after waiting for months. I have my knee surgery today and the operation is dependant on how things look inside my knee.

It turns out from my MRI scan, I have a large bucket tear in the medial meniscus and the muscle has lodged up under my knee. I'll be under General Anaesthetic. Also I should be hearing from an interview I had on Thursday with a 2 hour exam having lost my job some months back on grounds of unfair dismissal.

This looks awfully familiar lol. Time for round 2.

To My Homies

Dear Readers,

I'm not great at expressing myself or pouring out from depths but I want to thank each and every one of you who has been here since this quest started. I want to particularly thank all those that have taken the time and effort to write comments and send emails. Those who joined the journey at the start, near the mid and those who continue to do so at present.

We lack support within our communities We lack support from those around us. Alhamdulillah I am fortunate enough to know some amazing people to turn to in times of need. But I never expected a great deal from strangers. You guys. You're epitome of what our families, circles of friends and communities need to aspire to become. You're just phenomenal human beings.

I've met some wonderful people through this blog. Complete strangers who continue to mail/write to me.

Allah grant you spouses that are the coolness to your eyes and the comfort of your heart. Allah bless you from his endless bounties in this life and a greater reward in the afterlife. Ameen. I continue to keep you all in my duas.

I always say a fist bump is appropriate for any situation but you guys genuinely deserve more.

Some Thoughts On Older Entries

Assalamu Alaikum,

I have some leg work to do in bringing the quest up to scratch. I'm no longer seeking marriage and I haven't done so since things began to dip down around here.

I have a lot of drafts lurking about, with full entries on my findings along the way.

Would you find it beneficial if I shared them with you? 

A Letter To My 20 Year Old Self

I find it difficult to believe I wrote this. I find it difficult to believe that this was 5 years ago.

________________

Dear SoulSeek,

What is there that you cannot do? You are on an eternal journey for greatness and success. When you apply yourself, the law of the universe is to challenge those who are weak to make way for those who want it. You are unwavering on your commitment to this journey. You will welcome those who want to come for a ride but you don't need them. You only need Allah. You have a very particular ability; Once you apply yourself to an idea, consider it done. It just takes time for you to achieve what you had set out to accomplish.

People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. This journey was always deeper than you initially intended. Throughout this journey you found yourself. Inner peace and contentment is something that no person can offer you. If you've had an experience in where people have disappointed you. You should know better. Don't confuse the disappointment of people with the disappointment with Allah. Open door policy. And if you ever feel the distance between you and Allah is getting bigger, just remember that Allah hasn’t moved an inch.

If you've gone into autopilot mode just to play things safe, you've decided that you no longer want to grow. Fear isn't a valid excuse.

If it's people who are telling you how things should be. Listen to what they have to say but remember to believe in yourself. Remember the time when you didn't think you would overcome those difficulties? And you did.

Life is simple when you're honest with yourself and others. This doesn't mean you should be rude or inconsiderate but a dudes' gotta say what dude has to say. Better you be upfront than conceal things and let them grow.

Don't worry about money, ever. You should be throwing money at sadaqah.

Don't be nice. Nice means nothing. It's open to interpretation. It's something you do regardless of how you feel or who you're being. If you're trippin', being nice means to be a fake. Don't be a fake and don't be nice. Be kind, that's from within. Observe, take a breathe and transform. Acts of kindness are who you are.

Remember the difference between fancy, pretty and beautiful.

Remember all the realistic things you're looking for in a wife. Don't let nobody justify or dictate to you the status quo but welcome naseeha. 

Remember that  you just as you have never been a husband, she will have never have been a wife. This will be a new experience. You will mature, grow, blossom and gain new experiences together.

You will get who you deserve. Allah (swt) has promised you this Surah An Noor and Surah Ar Rum. If it doesn't work out, it's not because you deserved to fail but more so a test of patience. If things became difficult, take a look at yourself - there's something you need to work on. She is reflecting qualities and attitude that you have shown her. I want you to be honest. If you made a mistake, go and rectify it. If you haven't overlook it if you can. If something needs to be dealt, deal with it and don't procrastinate.

Live your life by your chosen surah's at that given time. You will find an answer for your problem is Surah-Al Asr.

Deen is your ultimate goal. For a woman who has taqwa will never do wrong by you. You want awesome children. You want to gain jannah more than anything. As this is your ultimate resting place this will affect how you choose her.

Frustrated again? Ride it out, you have to. Marrying to fulfill frustration will leave you disappointed. Add value to your life.

This is temporary. Just as your last 20 years have flew by the next 21 will be even quicker.

You are in no rush. Listen to me. Do what you must and don't pay attention to 'how long it will take' for those days will pass anyway.

The girls you thought were the one at 16 were no longer the same when you were 18. 19 and 20. You're definition of the one is subject to time and experiences.

Your priorities will change when you become a family man. But understand why you're doing all this. Understand why it's important to be realistic. Understand marriage is going to be a bigger test for you. What you find simple others find difficult and what they find simple you find difficult. Your tests have always been difficult. Remember the tests of all those around you and before you. Now imagine what your test is going to be. Remember, shayataan plays on hard mode. He's been at this way longer than you and everyone else. He's hell bent on trying to make you fail. Whatever you do, just do right by Allah. You're in for heck of a treat. All these tests you've had? They've made you. Allah promises to make it my worth.

Remain steadfast, half glass full and optimistic. Hope for the best. It is all those things you thought it would be. But prepare, and prepare for the worst. When things horribly wrong remember Surah An-Naas. Something kicked off because shaytaan made you forget even if it was for a few seconds, These crazy years of patience are of you being a testament to that.

Don't ever stop focusing on personal development. Use Islamic principles to add value and meaning. 

Don't ever lose gratitude and trust in Allah. If you lose your limbs, get cancer and you're living on the streets. Be thankful.

Two things will define you Mr. Your patience when you have nothing. Your attitude when you have everything. You've been there before. Perspective. 

Embrace failure. Don't look where you fell but rather where you slipped.

Smile. Smile and work hard. Because your achievements and smiles make those around you glow. Dat. Aura.  

You're doing all of this not only to enjoy what's permissible but ultimately for one thing. Let this one thing dictate your decision;

Jannah. 

Chill. Stay young at heart. You're 20 and you have a long way to go. What have you accomplished this year?

Sincerely,

You

Accepting Reality

In the last 12 months I've travelled and explored six countries. I've experienced some incredible highs, some being the peak of my life. I travelled two countries back to back in November. That was the last time I travelled after falling incredibly ill.

I woke up today with a horrible feeling. Something's been lurking for months, I know because I've suppressed this feeling from arising. It's easy to identify this feel as it first affects the salah. Accepting that my imaan is not what it once was is a bitter pill to swallow. Reality hits when you discover that all other areas of your life are crumbling and crumbling fast.

Rolling with the status quo and tactfully avoiding answering any questions is a good indicator for things going south. Sharing the real picture won't get me the support that I'm looking for.

The more worrying part is that I really don't know what I'm doing or where I'm heading. What I do know is that I'm unhappy and I feel low.

I need duas. The last 6 months have been restless and I don't feel any closer to my (lack of) ambitions. 

It's Time To Stop

For as long as I can remember I've had this problem with savouring an opportunity, an experience and a moment. The problem is before that process begins. I call it perfecting procrastination.

It works like this. I have a written rule about zero days. Zero days are days where that I don't progress, develop, learn or better myself in one way another. Even if it's just a mere 10 press ups. Slow progress is still progress. I'm not allowed a zero day, despite the circumstances. My perspective and the way I look at the world changes as my understanding progresses.

My problem is that I will stop an area of development based on "Why benefit now when you can benefit more in the future".

More is the reason of unhappiness.
More is why I cannot reach new heights.
More is why I procrastinate.
More is the killer.

It's hindering me and I realise it's a problem. It's problem because I have a constant need for perfecting myself. The very idea in itself is paradoxical.

I have more books than I can accommodate. There's one particular book I've procrastinated for 13 years years since I was 12. I've wanted my mind to be at a particular stage of development before I started this journey. I stand here and I say no more.

It's Saturday and I'm starting with the sealed nectar, the biography of Muhammed (saw). After this I have 58 books to work through. You can follow my progress over at: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/25554860-soulseek?shelf=%23ALL%23

I also have a box of vintage and rare chocolate from Hotel Chocolat to work through. I kid you not. This stuff is the crack of Chocolates. 

Procrastination. No more. I'm taking control.