Knocking On Hope's Door - Entry 5

He quickly identified 10 areas in my life and he gave me examples on how I've always came out on the top.

"Everything you do, you don't just do it well. You excel and come out at the top but for some reason, you keep banging your head on this door" He pointed to this big box - MARRIAGE. "It isn't opening. Something is up and we have to figure it out."

"You can't just walk away not wanting to get married. It's completely natural to feel what you're feeling. We have to get you married. Before you can move onto this other big box. Right?"

"Going back to what you began with, you said that you made a mistake with a prospect. Lets talk about that."
And we did. "She had everything I was looking for but here's what happened" I said.

"Shall we find out if she's still single?"

Is this guy serious? Hold on, he is. Give him that look man, give him that look! Damn, he didn't even flinch. He is actually dead serious about this. 

"I'll give you 5 reasons of why this is a bad idea" I said.

Whenever you play a physical sport such as football; and you just cannot penetrate the first line of defence. That frustration drives you wild, you'll find ways to barge into them and resort to dirty tactics but as soon as they regain possession of the ball you stick your leg out in hopes you'll touch the ball.

Mr P was the defender and everything I said, he refuted so subtly without trying. He made me realise that what she did and how she was reacting wasn't her being a complete pain. She was responding how any hurt person would.

"Do istikhara again because all these questions I just asked you. I was testing the waters, you still feel she is the best for you based on these reasons. Is right of me to assume that?"

I hesitated. Just tell him how it is Soul, just tell him how it is. ~ "Yes."

Veiled Rejections - Entry 4

Families will reject you based on your family. With no bearings on you. Infact they may even like you.

It's jahil, it's not from Islam and it certainly is not fair.

But that's life.

Mr P brought me to the realisation that years of my failures have been because of that very reason. From Husna straight through to the journalist. I was so busy looking at myself I forgot to take a peek on the outside.

The Animal Kingdom - Entry 3

Rage, Reason (lack of), dominance and not forgetting the infamous.. kill or be killed.

For those of you within the UK, frozen planet has been airing. If you haven't already watched it: *Clicky*. It's epic beyond proportion. The creation Allah (swt) is just flawless. A master behind unfathomable design. What intrigued me more was the animals. They inspired my title.

For years I've noticed a reoccurring theme in tafsir class. "He's a kafir!" "He's a kafir and here's my evidence!"

These guys are no better than the opposition. What they're preparing is religious ammunition. What they're doing is wrong. There's no getting through to stubbornness.

Yesterday in tafsir, 14 bodies present. A room full of raging testosterone. The times weren't working for me. I'm finishing towards midnight and I start work very early hours in the morning.

The other guys come late because of Gym, football and busy playing on Call Of Duty/Playstation throughout the whole night. I put my case across. No one said a word bar this one brother. This brother is known to be stubborn, reams of arrogance and he's an unreasonable guy.

He made it an issue. He continued to make matters worse with his sarcastic tone. He made it personal.

I have a thing against bullies. The whole room was sat there watching it go back and forth.

He's facing Mufti saab not even battering an eye lid "We all have responsibilities, he's not the only one."

One other student spoke up "It's not about that, he's working and you're not. Gym is flexible and work isn't. Be realistic."

Incoherent, lack of reasoning and going up in rage and arms. Strike 2. Words with ill intent.

What was a simple issue of timing he took matters to a whole new level. This is how fist fights in masjid have begun.

Come a couple of years ago. Brother, you don't speak like that if you have no intent of seeing them through until the end. That's where I come from and that's how we deal with things. I spoke very few words.

A time wasn't agreed. All the other students looking on like a bunch of garden gnomes. Individuals at 16 stone unable to talk because they don't want to offend him. Speaking the truth does come at a price.

I was pulled up afterwards. "We all know he's in the wrong. No one says anything to him, remember what happened last time with xyz? I asked myself why you didn't do anything. I know you would have taught him a lesson physically and verbally."

"I controlled my anger."

"Soulseek, you're wise. You won."

I sit next to this guy and we study 5 times a week until we now finish the qur'an. The time that has been set will now affect my ability to study the qur'an, granted I've sacrificed the past 3 years to make this compromise for the sake of Allah. It will also affect my external obligations because brothers wish to amuse themselves. Alhamdulillah.

Shaytaan inside of me thrills for things like these. I'm not going to entertain it. Fullstop. Especially not for where I've booked my tickets to.

Jannah; Have you heard of this place?

Quiz Time!

One for the regulars...

I made a big mistake in letting one prospect go.

Who was this prospect? And why?

Last Night Was Magical - Entry 1

Mr P.

Mr P has always been one of my biggest inspirations in life. He achieved so much at such a young age. And his wisdom. He is what we would call gifted and blessed with an insight that only a small percentage in this world possesses.

I first met him when I was 12. Being street, I never quite got his big words nor experiences. But he was a cool dude. He always made an effort with me. It wasn't up until my mid and later teenage years I started to realise what kind of a man Mr P was. I have always had this respect for people use their strengths for good. What made him so different? Intellectually elevated. He has mountains of knowledge. Paired up with this Islamic nafsiyyah (disposition) and unparalleled wisdom. I believe he has abilities that not many men have. I love his humbleness, level of humility and his ability to understand, speak and relate to other people.

I saw him marry 9 years ago. I was 14. Since then his achievements have been profound. He learnt fusah Arabic with his wife. Both Pakistanis. They home schooled their 3 children who are most beautiful children I have come across. They all speak Arabic. His recitation and application of the qur'an. Just to name a few.

Mr P - He is truly one of a kind.

I had an epiphany this week. Some of the later entries will brief on this. It's been wild. I haven't been able to control myself whilst working. Random notes, emails, tafsir comments, ideas, plans and thoughts. Collated, and just all over the place. Just all these ideas, reams of thoughts. Just hanging around up here. Something had to happen.

I dropped Mr P a text on Monday. Monday passed. Nothing. Tuesday passed. Nothing. Another text of desperation. Wednesday passed. And nothing.

It was sad. From the hundreds of people I have befriended I felt like there was really nobody else I could turn to. I love my brothers, handfuls of best friends and people of knowledge but I felt like none would:

1. Get it.
2. Provide me with the kind of clarification I'm looking for.

I know this because I did the litmus test with 10 close people. Not particularly the epiphany but just bits and bats. And I was right. I was stuck here. Alone.

Everyone could use somebody. Especially in times of need. In the past, I have done this alone but this time, it was to be different. Musa (as). An epic, profound prophet of Allah. Even he needed somebody.. he needed his brother.
 
Thursday came and Mr P... responded! He was ill (having just come back from hajj) and he managed to get the kids to sleep and get me in for Friday evening. It was his wife's turn to have some her time, so he was all mine.

Mr P's house is really warm and welcoming. "Please make yourself at home and put your feet up. What are you having?" "Water" I said. He sighed and said "that's unacceptable, can you stop being so boring." I laughed. "Coffee please."

"Soulseek.. speak to me." I smiled. Because my inspiration. My benchmark. The guy whom I will excel beyond in all matters of deen (insha'Allah) is sat there, right there - smiling at me. "This is going to be a long one, I apologise in advance. I'm going to think aloud as I haven't had the time to put it together. Get ready for some incoherent thoughts." I said. He laughed "Let me go and get a notepad and pen."

I started talking. I fumbled at the first hurdle. "I don't know where to begin but the start is always a good place." He laughed. I looked at my notes on my tablet. I digressed. I then related it back to the original topic of discussion. Ayahs of qur'an flowing with my disjointed thoughts. It then started to come together. It exploded.

An hour had passed "... and breathe" I said, laughing. 

We were facing each other. "Soulseek, come here and sit with me. I hope you like diagrams." I walked across.

What happened after that was.. magical. He managed to decipher and bring it back to 2 fundemental things. He did a Soulseek on me. He simplified and made great, great sense of things.

Mr P. Allah bless you. Allah bless with jannat al firdous because people like you are gems. And gems need duas for protection. Allah gifted you to me.

The next couple of days are going to be seriously interesting. Mr P put it there! High 5!

It's Happening Again

Earlier this year, 10 months ago I went through this phase. My brain tapped into what felt like unlocked potential. You have to have experienced this to understand it. The kind of knowledge I was absorbing, the rationale of my mind and the things I was thinking about? I don't know where to begin. I was reading 9 books at a given time. I felt weird but I felt good, things made so much sense. I went on this crazy stint for almost half a year, til the pursuing continued and wore me down.

I made one mistake during that time. I didn't write down some of the things that came to me so that I could refine those ideas.

Well, it's started again. I have a different perspective. Even towards marriage and my own approach on things. I ain't letting it creep this time. I'm still intensively doing the tafsir of Surat Al Baqarah every weekday. Firstly, I must praise Ibrahim (as), he truly was a genius. Allahu Akbar. I can't describe the honour and smile on my face in hopes of meeting him in Jannah. Want? YES!  I wish I could write my thoughts what the mufassireen have wrote in their tafaseers' but that would take weeks to collate. However, I must first do this. These Ayahs are speaking to me - By Allah I can't explain how intimately. I find it difficult to contain myself. It seems Allah has blessed me with this ability to understand and see certain things. Everything is all so clear.

This intensive tafsir is really tiring. Even though I've done it for almost 3 years now, it's different and more difficult. We spent 1 hour on 1 ayah even then I feel like it was rushed. I finish near midnight and I start work around fajr. Inbetween these hours I commit to my obligations and try to split my time between family, friends, studying and gym. I also start arabic this weekend again. My 7 day schedule is . . Well, difficult. I haven't been on my home pc for ages. I'm having to write on my tablet.

I've got a shed load on my mind. I'm going to be banging out all my thoughts should time permit. Diary format.

Let me begin with the first thing.

After years and years on this quest? Maybe it's time to drop it.

Failsafes And How They Make You Feel Safe

I like simple mechanisms. Here's one: 

Fail safe - Something designed to work or function automatically to prevent breakdown of a mechanism, system, or the like. 

Once upon a time a lil female crept her way into my feelings and she left a mark. Aww, cute. Having never let a woman do that before, it was a new experience to me. I was always used to a different kind of struggle. It happens. From a young age surrounded by the bleak facts of a difficult life, I took it on. I fought. and I succeeded. I always looked up to the challenges of what my path would bring forth. I took the path to become a strong, rounded individual. Being a head strong practising Muslim, I never had a relationship with anyone. I had no idea how evil some women could be. I haven't pursued the worst of what's out there. Alhamdulillah. I have however had a taster of how evil some can be.

I have been wronged throughout this process. Because of that I had developed a mental fail safe. I made conscious efforts to maintain this lack of emotional attachment when speaking to suitors. Naturally after spending months in speaking to her you will grow a liking, it's human like. I'm game for that, it's important to establish some kind of liking. However, the problem starts at the attachment part. You shouldn't become dependents or too involved at this stage. When I speak to my suitors, I let everything flow naturally. However, I never let her become the centre of my daily activities. As soon as we finish talking, I don't think about things like I used to. It keeps my mental state fresh. She's just another scheduled task. Having done this 3 times now, when things didn't work out. I was back on form without being hung up.

I find it difficult to posses any feelings or think about her. When I look back, it's always to take a look at myself or the whole situation.When the gut feeling senses that something off, the fail safe kicks in. The signal is transmitted to my brain When things fall over. I move on.

What happens when things don't work out? Going upon my last 3 success failures - I look at how I conducted myself throughout the whole process. Islamically and as a good man. If I did something wrong, I will not let that happen again. If I was wronged, I will think of ways to minimise that the next time round. I then reflect. Look deeply within myself. Assess my physical and mental state of mind. Then I proceed to network for more prospects.

Simple? It works for me.