Reaping What I Have Sown

I have my finest Cambodian Oudh on. Of course it's for a special occasion.

I'm sat in one of 7 cars being driven to collect Mrs SoulSeek.

The back seat is empty. It's calm and it's serene. The complete opposite of what has been over the last week. The last month. The last year. And as far as I can remember. Such is life.

These are the small things you truly begin to appreciate.

I thank Allah for granting me this opportunity and this kind gift. I thank you all for dua and your continued support.

Every individual that has contributed to their own cause in self-development, the journey to marriage or quite simply commented on this blog; you're very special.

Much love. Allah bless each and every one of you.

I feel like my life was on hold for the past 2 years since this begun. May this open doors for greatness and the opportunity to write more.

Today, a new chapter begins.

I'm excited. So, darn excited!

She is the coolness to my eyes and the comfort of my heart.

My Kinda Lady

3 years and 9 months ago I was asked what I look for in a woman. I sat down and asked myself this question for weeks. It started off as a lengthy note. Infact, it was pages long. I kept meeting people, the document kept changing. Eventually the list became condensed and it remained constant over the years. Here's what I wrote:

"A Muslim should never be at the bottom of the chain. If you think big, you're ambitious and believe we can strive to change the world that we live in then already have a great deal in common.

It's hard to quantify what you need and ya'ani there's more to people than a one dimensional checklist. So, I'm going paint an image of what I envisage will go down a treat with me. Here's my most recent image:

She's humble, has character and fears Allah.

She's chilled out, playful, down to earth and intelligent. Family orientated.

She yearns for good in this life but more for the afterlife. Marriage is a means of getting closer to Allah.

When the going gets tough, she knows that regardless of how different our views are, we'll succeed. Understands her position, responsibility as a woman and mine as a man. Respect.

Someone that can just sit and chill with, anywhere. You know, like your best friend. Companionship. Homie.

That's my wife, my equal."

I put this across to more than a hundred prospects since I was originally asked this question. In summary; here were my findings.Of all the people I considered: they all felt my criteria for a spouse was reasonable. I was under the impression every person felt like they fit that bill. I was pleasantly surprised because all I was asking for was companionship, character and something that every human being wants.

Having something like this put across - defining what you're looking for. It exudes thought, it displays effort and it demonstrates character, It repels those who aren't very serious or at the very least gives them something to think about, and it attracts those that are more serious. Some fit that criteria. The vast majority didn't. Of those that fit the bill. There's two woman I will never forget.

One is Arwa.

The other is just preparing her outfit for our Walimah next month.

Mrs Soulseek.

Seeking Small Wins

It's 6:30am and I'm waiting to go to work. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. I know I have a further 15 hours to go until I break my fast.

I'm typing on the phone with a mere 16%. My PC is packed. Everything is packed, and in boxes. The mattress is on the floor. It's hot. It's humid. And I feel aggravated.

No, I haven't slept the night and no, I haven't stayed up the whole night doing iba'dah. Rather, I've been trying my best to remain patient. That, in and of itself has been my Ramadan in a nutshell.

I fantasise most of my working hours thinking of sleep. It's something I've done very little of and the consequences are devastating. In fact, in the last 2 months I've not slept many hours uninterrupted. I muster up all my energy to deal with my circumstances, I deplete them and then I await the next day making dua Allah gives me the energy to deal with them.

As of late, praying Isha in the masjid and then praying Fajr in the masjid is amongst one of many small actions have been keeping me from tipping off the edge. Those 2 salah's prayed in the masjid equate to the whole night in prayer. Every window of opportunity that Allah has magnified have become the biggest of blessings in my life.

I'm looking for small wins because right now anything beyond that is too much of an ask. Doing beyond that is precisely what shaytaan wants.

Allow me to explain.

Shaytaan can glorify optional iba'dah over obligatory and sunnah iba'dah. If I were to expend my time, energy and efforts in optional things. I would not have the energy, and be less inclined to pour my efforts into the bigger and more rewardable actions. If I were to push a little more, it would have consequences, such as losing sight of the bigger picture. And that's difficult. That's difficult when it's Ramadan. That's difficult when all you want to do is seclude yourself and praise Allah. That's even more difficult when you set a benchmark.

That's my Ramadan and it upsets me greatly to know that this Ramadan hasn't been the most Qur'an that I've recited. It upsets me that the intent I made to memorise one juz just quite frankly did not happen. In fact, I can't help but feel ashamed when I attend taraweeh being led by 16 year olds and their commitment to the Qur'an makes me realise how far I've fell behind.

I pray Allah grants stability in the lives of those that are dispersed and  oppressed. To those that are struggling and to myself. Ameen.

Quest Tip - Make Dua For Others

Whilst questing, I've found hundred's of techniques that have either benefited my relationship with Allah, my relationship with others and ultimately my personal development as a human being. It's only right to share my findings with you guys in getting closer to finding the right person to marry and to refine ourselves; raising our self-worth and value to Allah (swt).

I'll be sharing more quest tips regularly.

The Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم  said

“The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Everytime he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim]. 

When you make dua for others, the angels make dua for you.

When you see a swag looking brother with a wife that compliments him, make dua for them. Don't let the sadness eat you away. It will increase gratitude and expand your chest with love for others. When one of the blog your following is going to meet a suitor, make dua for their success.

In return, Allah has promised to take care of you.

Operation Update

I've never popped pills historically but this time I've accepted defeat. I've been in a lot of pain but on the bright side of things, I've been in need of forgiveness, alhamdulillah. 

My knee has been swollen for the past 3 weeks and I've started walking again this week after 15 days. 

Post op, I was given no details of the surgery from the surgeons or nurses. It makes sense considering waking up from anesthesia under heavy medication isn't the best of times to take in important information.

I have a friend that practices medication, luckily he pulled me some details. It turns out there's more damage than the MRI scan had detailed.

It's most likely I'm going to need another operation some time soon as the ACL is most likely gone. Right now, I'm trying not thinking about that so it's busy chilling on the back burner. 

The healing is far from what was expected. I take a couple of steps and my knee collapses. I've lost a lot of weight from being a potato and it's not the healthy kind. 8lb in 2 weeks.  Having never been in a position where my circumstances stop me from having no routine, I'm not quite sure where to take my training from here. 

I've been having interviews after interviews and exams up exams. Ironically I'm using my experience from here with my jobs. If one falls through, go straight on to the next son. I've been sending out some 5-8 applications a day and I refuse to give in.  It's 3am and I've just finished some work to take in for a second interview tomorrow. I hope this is it. 

There's only one way to go from here and that's up. I'm going to start some light physio after I've done more reading.

I have a lot on my mind. It's only natural when you have free time and absolutely no form of outlet. I want to get back into writing. Over and out. 

Sedated Under Euphoria

"You have really nice teeth." That's the last voice I registered. "You should really invest in Sonicare's diamondcare, it's quality" is the last thing I spoke.

That's what I remember before being awoken by a sharp noise piercing through the temple of my head. I opened my eyes. Bright reflections of teal scrubs were surrounding my body. "He seems to be coming around" she said.

"This" was the first word. "feels, really weirrrrr" before my body jolted off the bed. "I dohn" before jolting up again. I had never experience such cold. My joints felt like they had been taken apart, I was dislocated, disabled and unable to move. I could hear my teeth snapping. "Why am I shivering?" I asked. "Can you call her please". After my body jumped up a few more times, I told Sarah "I don't understand why this is happening."

"Don't worry SoulSeek, you've reacted in an unusual way. You're going to be okay."

"This is really weird." I said. Taking in what she said "Thank you, can you please call her?" I asked the other nurse.

The heat started from my feet and made it's way to my body. The shivering started to slow down. I was given a number of tablets and injections. "You're going to fall asleep again soon." I was told by Sarah

It's a nostalgic feeling.

You step outside of your body, conscious and full aware of what's happening, down to the intricate details of what's being used and for what purpose. Whilst all this is happening, you're thinking of a future and you talk of that future whilst shivering. I've been to this place before but I don't know how and I don't know when, I thought. The colour tones have a green/blue undertone. A tone of my childhood. A tone that represents everything surrounding and associated with comfort and happiness. It is a place where I feel at rest with my fingers interlocked behind my head with my elbows point up to the sky. And you see all those people associated with that moment. This was that moment. She came rushing and she held my hand. My body jumped up again and she started to rub the palm of my hand, this time she held my hand firmer. It was a hold that would never leave my side. I smiled at her. After reassuring me, she refused to leave. "I promise you one thing." I paused. "Allah is my witness here. We're going to get through this." I said. I have never felt so proud of anyone and this is a feeling that I can only describe as a new experience. I've always had this place for her and she knows it but the peak keeps increasing after milestones.

I asked her if she had prayed Maghrib and eaten anything. I reminded her to take the papers out of the locker. This is the part where my eyes drifted away.

She was not my mother. Nor was she my sister. Rather, she was the most perfect thing to have stepped into my life. 

Dua Request

Assalamu Alaikum,

Just a small request to you all. I managed to get a last minute slot after waiting for months. I have my knee surgery today and the operation is dependant on how things look inside my knee.

It turns out from my MRI scan, I have a large bucket tear in the medial meniscus and the muscle has lodged up under my knee. I'll be under General Anaesthetic. Also I should be hearing from an interview I had on Thursday with a 2 hour exam having lost my job some months back on grounds of unfair dismissal.

This looks awfully familiar lol. Time for round 2.

To My Homies

Dear Readers,

I'm not great at expressing myself or pouring out from depths but I want to thank each and every one of you who has been here since this quest started. I want to particularly thank all those that have taken the time and effort to write comments and send emails. Those who joined the journey at the start, near the mid and those who continue to do so at present.

We lack support within our communities We lack support from those around us. Alhamdulillah I am fortunate enough to know some amazing people to turn to in times of need. But I never expected a great deal from strangers. You guys. You're epitome of what our families, circles of friends and communities need to aspire to become. You're just phenomenal human beings.

I've met some wonderful people through this blog. Complete strangers who continue to mail/write to me.

Allah grant you spouses that are the coolness to your eyes and the comfort of your heart. Allah bless you from his endless bounties in this life and a greater reward in the afterlife. Ameen. I continue to keep you all in my duas.

I always say a fist bump is appropriate for any situation but you guys genuinely deserve more.

Some Thoughts On Older Entries

Assalamu Alaikum,

I have some leg work to do in bringing the quest up to scratch. I'm no longer seeking marriage and I haven't done so since things began to dip down around here.

I have a lot of drafts lurking about, with full entries on my findings along the way.

Would you find it beneficial if I shared them with you? 

A Letter To My 20 Year Old Self

I find it difficult to believe I wrote this. I find it difficult to believe that this was 5 years ago.

________________

Dear SoulSeek,

What is there that you cannot do? You are on an eternal journey for greatness and success. When you apply yourself, the law of the universe is to challenge those who are weak to make way for those who want it. You are unwavering on your commitment to this journey. You will welcome those who want to come for a ride but you don't need them. You only need Allah. You have a very particular ability; Once you apply yourself to an idea, consider it done. It just takes time for you to achieve what you had set out to accomplish.

People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. This journey was always deeper than you initially intended. Throughout this journey you found yourself. Inner peace and contentment is something that no person can offer you. If you've had an experience in where people have disappointed you. You should know better. Don't confuse the disappointment of people with the disappointment with Allah. Open door policy. And if you ever feel the distance between you and Allah is getting bigger, just remember that Allah hasn’t moved an inch.

If you've gone into autopilot mode just to play things safe, you've decided that you no longer want to grow. Fear isn't a valid excuse.

If it's people who are telling you how things should be. Listen to what they have to say but remember to believe in yourself. Remember the time when you didn't think you would overcome those difficulties? And you did.

Life is simple when you're honest with yourself and others. This doesn't mean you should be rude or inconsiderate but a dudes' gotta say what dude has to say. Better you be upfront than conceal things and let them grow.

Don't worry about money, ever. You should be throwing money at sadaqah.

Don't be nice. Nice means nothing. It's open to interpretation. It's something you do regardless of how you feel or who you're being. If you're trippin', being nice means to be a fake. Don't be a fake and don't be nice. Be kind, that's from within. Observe, take a breathe and transform. Acts of kindness are who you are.

Remember the difference between fancy, pretty and beautiful.

Remember all the realistic things you're looking for in a wife. Don't let nobody justify or dictate to you the status quo but welcome naseeha. 

Remember that  you just as you have never been a husband, she will have never have been a wife. This will be a new experience. You will mature, grow, blossom and gain new experiences together.

You will get who you deserve. Allah (swt) has promised you this Surah An Noor and Surah Ar Rum. If it doesn't work out, it's not because you deserved to fail but more so a test of patience. If things became difficult, take a look at yourself - there's something you need to work on. She is reflecting qualities and attitude that you have shown her. I want you to be honest. If you made a mistake, go and rectify it. If you haven't overlook it if you can. If something needs to be dealt, deal with it and don't procrastinate.

Live your life by your chosen surah's at that given time. You will find an answer for your problem is Surah-Al Asr.

Deen is your ultimate goal. For a woman who has taqwa will never do wrong by you. You want awesome children. You want to gain jannah more than anything. As this is your ultimate resting place this will affect how you choose her.

Frustrated again? Ride it out, you have to. Marrying to fulfill frustration will leave you disappointed. Add value to your life.

This is temporary. Just as your last 20 years have flew by the next 21 will be even quicker.

You are in no rush. Listen to me. Do what you must and don't pay attention to 'how long it will take' for those days will pass anyway.

The girls you thought were the one at 16 were no longer the same when you were 18. 19 and 20. You're definition of the one is subject to time and experiences.

Your priorities will change when you become a family man. But understand why you're doing all this. Understand why it's important to be realistic. Understand marriage is going to be a bigger test for you. What you find simple others find difficult and what they find simple you find difficult. Your tests have always been difficult. Remember the tests of all those around you and before you. Now imagine what your test is going to be. Remember, shayataan plays on hard mode. He's been at this way longer than you and everyone else. He's hell bent on trying to make you fail. Whatever you do, just do right by Allah. You're in for heck of a treat. All these tests you've had? They've made you. Allah promises to make it my worth.

Remain steadfast, half glass full and optimistic. Hope for the best. It is all those things you thought it would be. But prepare, and prepare for the worst. When things horribly wrong remember Surah An-Naas. Something kicked off because shaytaan made you forget even if it was for a few seconds, These crazy years of patience are of you being a testament to that.

Don't ever stop focusing on personal development. Use Islamic principles to add value and meaning. 

Don't ever lose gratitude and trust in Allah. If you lose your limbs, get cancer and you're living on the streets. Be thankful.

Two things will define you Mr. Your patience when you have nothing. Your attitude when you have everything. You've been there before. Perspective. 

Embrace failure. Don't look where you fell but rather where you slipped.

Smile. Smile and work hard. Because your achievements and smiles make those around you glow. Dat. Aura.  

You're doing all of this not only to enjoy what's permissible but ultimately for one thing. Let this one thing dictate your decision;

Jannah. 

Chill. Stay young at heart. You're 20 and you have a long way to go. What have you accomplished this year?

Sincerely,

You

Accepting Reality

In the last 12 months I've travelled and explored six countries. I've experienced some incredible highs, some being the peak of my life. I travelled two countries back to back in November. That was the last time I travelled after falling incredibly ill.

I woke up today with a horrible feeling. Something's been lurking for months, I know because I've suppressed this feeling from arising. It's easy to identify this feel as it first affects the salah. Accepting that my imaan is not what it once was is a bitter pill to swallow. Reality hits when you discover that all other areas of your life are crumbling and crumbling fast.

Rolling with the status quo and tactfully avoiding answering any questions is a good indicator for things going south. Sharing the real picture won't get me the support that I'm looking for.

The more worrying part is that I really don't know what I'm doing or where I'm heading. What I do know is that I'm unhappy and I feel low.

I need duas. The last 6 months have been restless and I don't feel any closer to my (lack of) ambitions.