The last 3 weeks of my life have been surreal. I've always believed that the direction of my life and my purpose has always been shaped by the events that I have been surrounded and tested with. Regardless of the situation, I will always strive towards the truth and stand by Allah to the best of my abilities. I'm prepared to face the consequences. I yearn for success. Jannah.
Patterned bright light. That's how my blinds look at 7:30am on a fine British morning. The best feeling is when you wake up naturally. The worst feeling is when you wake up to hearing your mother's voice trembling.
The first time I heard that voice was when my mother had an accident 9 years ago, she woke me up crying for help. The second time I heard that voice was when all this started. I woke up to hearing my mother distraught, informing me that my grandmother had passed away. My eyes jolted open and the only words I mumbled out were "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon". I got up and I ran downstairs, after exchanging a few words my mother left.
My grandmother was Dad's aunt but she is what I believe a real grandmother would represent. She brought my father to this country in the 1950's and she raised my father as her own. She taught my mother everything she knew, she was her companion. She would support my mother through hardship and she was the light of the community. She was a fantastic human being. Those that are in the service of helping others. She was always present throughout my whole life, we did Umrah 10 years ago and she only lived 4 doors away.
Cancer. Seeing cancer kill somebody before your very eyes over 3 months was just something nobody could take lightly.
I informed my siblings. Everyone was devastated. I'm the youngest of the 6 siblings. My eldest is 21 years older than me. My sister lives the furthest out, she called me and told she informed work she wouldn't be in today. I remember just lying on my bed for what seemed to be seconds but turned out to be closer to an hour, contemplating on the qadr of Allah. I heard my father, I went downstairs to have a chat with him. He talked of all that she did for him, a real upset. He continued and did what dad always does, he asked me if I was okay along with my car and everything else. We both left the house together and we were amongst hundreds on the street. Everybody was directed towards the masjid. I told my father I'd meet him there, I took upon myself to go and clean our second living room, should they need our house to seat guests.
I started working through a huge workload of laundry. I was lost in my thoughts. I scattered over a months worth of clothing, a serious amount to get through.
Working through the clothes I heard the door knock loudly. "It must be another parcel" I thought. Although whilst walking down the stairs I couldn't quite remember buying ordering anything. The knocking got louder as I approached the door. I turned the key and swung open the door. What I saw in front of me.. didn't quite make sense.
It was my brother, my father and one of the neighbours. I saw arms on top of each other but I couldn't make out what was happening.
"Call the damn ambulance, now" my brother yelled. Without a second thought I lept up 3 steps at a time to grab my mobile from my bedroom. Whilst calling 999, I had no idea who it was for and what it was for. Whilst on the phone, I was put through to an ambulance.
The neighbour told me something was wrong with my father. We sat my father down and on the phone I went through my fathers background, and his medical history. I was asked to reassure my father. That, I did. Soon after, my father was touching his chest. His body was awfully cold but he was sweating. He was having a heart attack. The neighbour and brother ran me through what had happened.
Dad was walking back from the masjid, my brother was driving and he happened to see my father. So he parked up and thought he would quickly catch up with dad. He turned the corner and he couldn't see him. "Strange" he thought. So he continued walking forth, he then saw somebody at the corner of his eye. It was dad and he fumbling into somebody's garden.
The paramedic arrived just after the ambulance. They loaded my father up and took him inside the ambulance. We all stood outside for 10 minutes. Stood there motionless, the only thing I could do was dua. Hundreds of cars were packed up from the death, the road road was blocked. As the ambulance door opened, I went inside to accompany my father. One of the paramedics mentioned a coffin being taken. "That's my grandmother" I said. The team of paramedics just looked at me with my father lying down. "That's awful" one said.
Little did I know what was to pursue would be the longest few days of my life.
We got to the hospital and I sat by my father. I was hopeful because my father has always been phenomenally strong. That's all I've known him to be. I assured him everything was be alright. He looked at me and he said "not this time". "Dad, trust in Allah, we're going to be walking out of here soon". I genuinely believed that. A heart surgeon came and he gave me a prognosis.
After a few hours hours, doctors had gathered. It was messy, I saw a lot of blood. I was asked to return in a short while, by that time my family had arrived. My sisters were in tears and the rest were distraught. We waited and we waited. Nobody would tell us anything. A family friend used to be a senior doctor there, he came within minutes of being called. After being in the dark, a doctor came with the brother he explained to us that our father went into cardiac arrest. They managed to revive him with some adrenaline. He explained to us that our father is very sick. The only chance they had at making my father better was to use a stent. Using this stent there would be a chance of pumping more blood to the heart. They put him asleep so his heart wouldn't have to work as hard.
A few more hours his health was deteriorating rather quickly. After having a briefing with the senior surgeon, it was then that it home, that my father could no longer keep up with the world.
It's a strange feeling when you cry for the first time in your life. And there's something odd about seeing the floor move whilst you're sane. Mr P came to the hospital, he comforted me and he did this amazing thing. He told me that now was my turn the shine.
10 hours had elapsed with dad in this state and I saw my siblings crumble in front of me. Grown, mature, family men and women having breakdowns. We all had a strong relationship with our father. It was too much to bare. I had never seen my siblings in this state.
I'm not sure where this courage came from but I stepped up. I sat down with each one of my siblings, I comforted them, explained the situation, prepared them and explained how we could benefit dad. Some were easier than others but after spending the whole night and the following hours, I got through to them. I then proceeded to start making the necessary arrangements for the worst, should that happen.
I went to make fresh wudu. I then lead in front of friends and family as the sole reciter of the qur'an. Some joined suit as you soon come to realise that there no real words of comfort in this state. I realised it took an immense amount of strength to stand there and do this for all of us, especially my mother. By midnight, we had an immense number of visitors. The whole community was there.
I forced my siblings to eat and get a couple of hours of sleep. I didn't eat nor did I sleep. At 5am by my fathers bed, I felt low on energy. My neck was cranking sideways a nurse managed to slip a pillow under there. I was on the verge of falling asleep until I felt my phone vibrating.
For the last 7 months I was pursuing a suitor, I can say with conviction I gave this one my all. She was unaware of what was going on. She dropped a barrage of texts, clearly had a lot on her mind. As we were not in touch for a while. You see, we decided we wanted to marry but there were some obstacles in place. We mutually discussed that Islamically it would be best for us not to talk idly as we had already invested a serious amount of time, effort take make a decision.
Anyhow, she wanted to end things. She requested to talk to me but I was no in position to talk. So it happened over text. It was a giant confused block of text. She attempted to explain how me waiting for her is unfair and she couldn't do this to me. She thought she would saving me the heart ache by walking away. She also felt that I offered more than what she believed she offered in return. I was unaware at this time that her family had been causing her grief.
I responded by informing her what had happened. And I told her that I understood her position and gave my salaams. Just like that. I invested in her so dearly and I let her leave because right now, I had much more important things on my mind.
Watching the man you love and respect die before your eyes is soul destroying and heart breaking. Then to have the remaining pieces walked on by your fiancé. That was heavy.
After sending two of my siblings home to their families. I picked up the qur'an and I continued reciting for a short while.
I stopped and I thought "Alhamdulillah. Qadr... This is qadr. And this is just another test. My imaan is increasing."
Being the youngest of my 6 siblings, I've had to rally and keep everyone real strong especially my mother. Everybody was feeling stronger, they said I picked them all up. But there was nobody to pick me up. In this midst of all this chaos our cousins were plotting and planning.
Little did I know that 5 hours later, my father would die.
To be continued..
______________
Patterned bright light. That's how my blinds look at 7:30am on a fine British morning. The best feeling is when you wake up naturally. The worst feeling is when you wake up to hearing your mother's voice trembling.
The first time I heard that voice was when my mother had an accident 9 years ago, she woke me up crying for help. The second time I heard that voice was when all this started. I woke up to hearing my mother distraught, informing me that my grandmother had passed away. My eyes jolted open and the only words I mumbled out were "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon". I got up and I ran downstairs, after exchanging a few words my mother left.
My grandmother was Dad's aunt but she is what I believe a real grandmother would represent. She brought my father to this country in the 1950's and she raised my father as her own. She taught my mother everything she knew, she was her companion. She would support my mother through hardship and she was the light of the community. She was a fantastic human being. Those that are in the service of helping others. She was always present throughout my whole life, we did Umrah 10 years ago and she only lived 4 doors away.
Cancer. Seeing cancer kill somebody before your very eyes over 3 months was just something nobody could take lightly.
I informed my siblings. Everyone was devastated. I'm the youngest of the 6 siblings. My eldest is 21 years older than me. My sister lives the furthest out, she called me and told she informed work she wouldn't be in today. I remember just lying on my bed for what seemed to be seconds but turned out to be closer to an hour, contemplating on the qadr of Allah. I heard my father, I went downstairs to have a chat with him. He talked of all that she did for him, a real upset. He continued and did what dad always does, he asked me if I was okay along with my car and everything else. We both left the house together and we were amongst hundreds on the street. Everybody was directed towards the masjid. I told my father I'd meet him there, I took upon myself to go and clean our second living room, should they need our house to seat guests.
I started working through a huge workload of laundry. I was lost in my thoughts. I scattered over a months worth of clothing, a serious amount to get through.
Working through the clothes I heard the door knock loudly. "It must be another parcel" I thought. Although whilst walking down the stairs I couldn't quite remember buying ordering anything. The knocking got louder as I approached the door. I turned the key and swung open the door. What I saw in front of me.. didn't quite make sense.
It was my brother, my father and one of the neighbours. I saw arms on top of each other but I couldn't make out what was happening.
"Call the damn ambulance, now" my brother yelled. Without a second thought I lept up 3 steps at a time to grab my mobile from my bedroom. Whilst calling 999, I had no idea who it was for and what it was for. Whilst on the phone, I was put through to an ambulance.
The neighbour told me something was wrong with my father. We sat my father down and on the phone I went through my fathers background, and his medical history. I was asked to reassure my father. That, I did. Soon after, my father was touching his chest. His body was awfully cold but he was sweating. He was having a heart attack. The neighbour and brother ran me through what had happened.
Dad was walking back from the masjid, my brother was driving and he happened to see my father. So he parked up and thought he would quickly catch up with dad. He turned the corner and he couldn't see him. "Strange" he thought. So he continued walking forth, he then saw somebody at the corner of his eye. It was dad and he fumbling into somebody's garden.
The paramedic arrived just after the ambulance. They loaded my father up and took him inside the ambulance. We all stood outside for 10 minutes. Stood there motionless, the only thing I could do was dua. Hundreds of cars were packed up from the death, the road road was blocked. As the ambulance door opened, I went inside to accompany my father. One of the paramedics mentioned a coffin being taken. "That's my grandmother" I said. The team of paramedics just looked at me with my father lying down. "That's awful" one said.
Little did I know what was to pursue would be the longest few days of my life.
We got to the hospital and I sat by my father. I was hopeful because my father has always been phenomenally strong. That's all I've known him to be. I assured him everything was be alright. He looked at me and he said "not this time". "Dad, trust in Allah, we're going to be walking out of here soon". I genuinely believed that. A heart surgeon came and he gave me a prognosis.
After a few hours hours, doctors had gathered. It was messy, I saw a lot of blood. I was asked to return in a short while, by that time my family had arrived. My sisters were in tears and the rest were distraught. We waited and we waited. Nobody would tell us anything. A family friend used to be a senior doctor there, he came within minutes of being called. After being in the dark, a doctor came with the brother he explained to us that our father went into cardiac arrest. They managed to revive him with some adrenaline. He explained to us that our father is very sick. The only chance they had at making my father better was to use a stent. Using this stent there would be a chance of pumping more blood to the heart. They put him asleep so his heart wouldn't have to work as hard.
A few more hours his health was deteriorating rather quickly. After having a briefing with the senior surgeon, it was then that it home, that my father could no longer keep up with the world.
It's a strange feeling when you cry for the first time in your life. And there's something odd about seeing the floor move whilst you're sane. Mr P came to the hospital, he comforted me and he did this amazing thing. He told me that now was my turn the shine.
10 hours had elapsed with dad in this state and I saw my siblings crumble in front of me. Grown, mature, family men and women having breakdowns. We all had a strong relationship with our father. It was too much to bare. I had never seen my siblings in this state.
I'm not sure where this courage came from but I stepped up. I sat down with each one of my siblings, I comforted them, explained the situation, prepared them and explained how we could benefit dad. Some were easier than others but after spending the whole night and the following hours, I got through to them. I then proceeded to start making the necessary arrangements for the worst, should that happen.
I went to make fresh wudu. I then lead in front of friends and family as the sole reciter of the qur'an. Some joined suit as you soon come to realise that there no real words of comfort in this state. I realised it took an immense amount of strength to stand there and do this for all of us, especially my mother. By midnight, we had an immense number of visitors. The whole community was there.
I forced my siblings to eat and get a couple of hours of sleep. I didn't eat nor did I sleep. At 5am by my fathers bed, I felt low on energy. My neck was cranking sideways a nurse managed to slip a pillow under there. I was on the verge of falling asleep until I felt my phone vibrating.
For the last 7 months I was pursuing a suitor, I can say with conviction I gave this one my all. She was unaware of what was going on. She dropped a barrage of texts, clearly had a lot on her mind. As we were not in touch for a while. You see, we decided we wanted to marry but there were some obstacles in place. We mutually discussed that Islamically it would be best for us not to talk idly as we had already invested a serious amount of time, effort take make a decision.
Anyhow, she wanted to end things. She requested to talk to me but I was no in position to talk. So it happened over text. It was a giant confused block of text. She attempted to explain how me waiting for her is unfair and she couldn't do this to me. She thought she would saving me the heart ache by walking away. She also felt that I offered more than what she believed she offered in return. I was unaware at this time that her family had been causing her grief.
I responded by informing her what had happened. And I told her that I understood her position and gave my salaams. Just like that. I invested in her so dearly and I let her leave because right now, I had much more important things on my mind.
Watching the man you love and respect die before your eyes is soul destroying and heart breaking. Then to have the remaining pieces walked on by your fiancé. That was heavy.
After sending two of my siblings home to their families. I picked up the qur'an and I continued reciting for a short while.
I stopped and I thought "Alhamdulillah. Qadr... This is qadr. And this is just another test. My imaan is increasing."
Being the youngest of my 6 siblings, I've had to rally and keep everyone real strong especially my mother. Everybody was feeling stronger, they said I picked them all up. But there was nobody to pick me up. In this midst of all this chaos our cousins were plotting and planning.
Little did I know that 5 hours later, my father would die.
To be continued..
my dearest brother in Islam,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your great loss. subhaAllah. may Allah swt grant him Jannah. :(
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon. subhanAllah! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. May Allah (swt) unite you with him in jannatul firdous inshaAllah. SubhanAllah! :(
ReplyDeleteInnalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon. I'm very sorry to hear of all this turmoil...it makes my little episode I wrote about recently seem miniscule; and reminds me that no matter what, we should always be grateful through trials because it could have been worse. With you, too, it also could have been worse.
ReplyDeleteMy concludsion from all of this is that you, dear brother, must have a very high standing with Allah - because He tests those He loves; and with what you're going through, this must be a sure sign that you're way up there.
From your previous writings over the years, I know you've got a good heart and a good head on you - so I'm confident you have the foundation to weather these storms. With sabr and complete trust in Allah, these events are bound to make you so much stronger, better, and closer to Allah.
And, like your father said, it's your time to shine. As you said, you were a pillar for everyone else - but had no pillar for yourself. Your pillar is Allah - and always remember His closeness; and always take comfort in Him; and remember that these events of life are - in proper persepctive - just short-lived blips on the way to the ultimate and eternal success insh-Allah.
So you keep going and do your best, and put everything in Allah's hands - and you can never go wrong.
My condolences to your family and friends; and may Allah make these events a means of bringing all of you closer to Him.
Ina Lillaaahi waa ina Ileyhi Raaji'uun
ReplyDeleteAs-salaamu 'Alaykuum dear brother,
I was always an advent reader of your blog posts; you stroke me as a lively eemaan bursting brother who underwent many trials to pursue the halal path in all your endeavours.
Dear brother, Allaah (Exalted is He) tests us in many ways according to our level of eemaan. Those who are severely tested with trials of calamities, loss of lives, loss of weath, etc, are those with a high level of religious commitment.
Al-Tirmidhi (2398) narrated that Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I said: “"O Messenger of Allaah, which of the people are most sorely tested?" He said: "The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A man will be tested in accordance with his level of religious commitment. If his religious commitment is strong, he will be tested more severely, and if his religious commitment is weak, he will be tested in accordance with his religious commitment. Calamity will keep befalling a person until he walks on the earth with no sin on him."
May Allaah (Exalted is He) have mercy on your grandmother and father and grant them Jannatul Fardowsa, ameen.
I am so sorry to hear about your double loss. May Allah make the burden of pain easy for you and grant your dad and grandmother Jannah inshallah.
ReplyDeleteAssamalualeykum dear brother in islam,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this!!
We can only imagine what you have to go through right know. May Allah give you strenghts to go through this hardship. You will manage this because “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).
May Alah reward you and let you meet your grandmother and your father in Paradise, may Allah forgive them their wrondoings!
I'm sorry for your loss SS, here if you need a shoulder
ReplyDeleteLa Hawla Wala Quwwatta ila Billah.
ReplyDeleteMay you and your family be reunited with your grandmother and father in the Jannatul Firdows.
May Allah swt grant your father and grandmother the highest heavens
ReplyDeleteMay they drink from the hands of the Beloved
May they gaze upon the face of the One
May all their sins be forgiven, and may they be watching you proudly as you lead
and support your family through these difficult times
May they be in the company of the martyrs, the truthful, and the prophets
May they be of those to whom Allah swt says, "Enter my gardens, enter in peace" without being judged
May your burdens be relieved and my you be strengthened by this hardship
May Allah swt grant you patience and understanding
May your heart be healed, and hope revived
When Allah swt takes something away from us, he's only emptying our hands for a greater gift that he wishes to bestow on us.
May he send you a woman so perfect for you that you could not imagine her existing
May she be a comfort for you, fill your heart with peace/sakina, please you when you look at her, obey you when you ask of her, and be loyal to you when you are absent.
May Allah swt reward you for every pain in your heart, every struggle, and bring you even closer to him
Amen.
Salaam.
ReplyDeleteInna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Allah tests those who He loves.
Ameen to the beautiful duas above and will do my own too inshaAllah
May Allah grant your family sabrun jameel during this difficult time
ReplyDeleteInna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioon
ReplyDeleteMy deepest condolescences for your loss, may Allah grant you patience and strength in this test and may he grant paradise to those whom you'v lost.
Ameen
Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ileyhi Rajewoon.. its really really sad to hear about this Loss... May God encourage you and your family to tolerate this great pain.. Ameen
ReplyDeleteInna LIllahi Wa Inna Ileyhi Rajewoon.. God bless you and your family power the patience to face this great lose,, and may God give Jinnah to whom you Lost.. every person life is directed to death, Some of us soon, and some laters on, but every one have too...
ReplyDeleteInna LIllahi Wa Inna Ileyhi Rajewoon. Keep strong faith! I'm sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog, in my search for islamic marriage related blogs.
ReplyDeleteYour story made me cry and realize that there are always others who have it more diffcult in life than you.
May Allah swt bless you and make it easy for you and your family brother. And may He grant you happiness and success in this world and the next. Ameen
Allah wills and does what He wills...He gives and takes what He wills...
ReplyDeleteTo Him we belong and to Him we shall Return.
May He grant you the Sabr of Ayyub allaiyhi salaam and grant you jannah, this dunya is not worth your good deeds.
May Allah have mercy on your beloved father and grandmother and the dead of the Muslimeen.
As for that lady, it may be that -you think a thing is good for you when it is bad for you'- Tawakul.
ReplyDeleteAssalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
ReplyDeleteInna lillahi wa inna lillahi raji'oon..
SubhanAllaah...sometimes we forget that this is just a journey and not an eternal abode... May Allaah, the Most Caring heal you and your family and grant your father and grandmother jannatul firdous! InshAllaah all of us will be going away from here soon..
May Allaah Swt unite you with your loved ones in jannatul firdous! There will be no more sorrows or separation!
You're a writer. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteMay Allah (swt) give you a glimpse of jannah to make this easier for you inshaAllah.
ReplyDeleteInna Lillahi wa Inna Illahi Raji'oon
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear of your loss. I pray that Allah gives you and your family strength and sabr during this difficult time.
Stay strong
Soulseek, how are you a couple of months later?InshAllah in the best of health and iimaan...
ReplyDeleteFIQH OF LOVE
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hoor-al-ayn.com/lectures/yasir-birjas/
Soulseek start writing again. It helps. It's therapeutic. Relieves tension. You need an outlet. I've read your blog. You like writing - it helps you to gain perspective. When you have a passion, you shouldn't give it up. Regardless of whatever's happened. Start writing again. I'm sure your followers would like to know how everything is.
ReplyDeleteMay Allah grant your father a place in jannah and may Allah grant you sabr.
ReplyDeleteDear brother, please write again.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. May Allah (swt) grant your father and grandmother jannah. May He forgive their sins and expand their graves. Ameen to all the wonderful duas.
ReplyDeleteI'm extremely sorry for your loss. I'm sorry I am so late in sending in my condolences. I'm happy to see that you are still blogging. :)