Marriage & Islam: The Search Is On . .

Deep, Profound Love. Hope #1

2012-01-25T12:20:00.001Z

After 47 years of marriage, he still buys her flowers every Monday.

Then I came across the following. I don't use these words often but it is incredible and beautiful.

Take lessons. There's hope. There truly is.

Danny boy just rolled it into my book of manly qualities. Well played fella, well played.

Deep.
Profound.
Love.

In Praise Of Traditional Women

2012-01-23T00:47:00.001Z

By Henry Makow (Revised from Jan. 2004)

___________________________

I am grateful that I married a traditional woman.

I don’t sacrifice any freedom for love. I am in charge. My wife is comfortable with that. I am twice as free as when I was single.

My wife is passive by nature. Passivity is the natural female principle. The marriage of active (male) and passive (female) is the basis of heterosexuality.

But it is heresy to say so.

Women are actually ashamed to want to be homemakers. How did this happen? How did motherhood go from being honored to being stigmatized? This change in attitude is the trajectory of Illuminist subversion of America. Obviously, the Illuminists prefer women to be corporate widgets rather than wives and mothers.

A woman needs a man to love her. The notion that she should be “independent” and career oriented is absurd. As if pounding a mail route is superior to making a home and caring for loved ones. As if obeying a boss is superior to assisting the man she chose to love and marry.

There is no greater blessing than a woman whose grace, beauty and love warms a home like sunshine. There is no greater gift than the precious love she gives husband and children.

THE PASSIVE (FEMALE) PRINCIPLE

The passive principle is the earth principle. The earth receives sunshine, water and seed and produces life. A woman receives a man’s love and seed and performs the miracle of giving birth to a human being.

A healthy woman in love wants to recreate her husband in her children.

Carrying and nurturing the young is the essence of female psychology. The denial of this reveals the Illuminists’ desire to override nature and control all human life.

Being a wife and mother is what makes a woman tick. She needs to be intensely needed and loved by her husband and children.

These roles are passive by nature. They involve a great deal of adaptation and self sacrifice. But they also require that she is not taken for granted. A wife and mother must be cherished and honored for her priceless contribution.

A woman is not going to be loved permanently for her appearance which is transitory, or for her accomplishments. Love is not like that. We love the people who sacrifice for us.

Men also sacrifice by supporting their families and providing leadership and love. Happiness can only be found in love, not self-seeking. Love is self-sacrifice. Human beings were designed to look after each other.

In contrast, Illuminism sees “freedom” as self indulgence. This is not the “truth that will make you free.”

The model I am describing used to be second nature. It has become esoteric knowledge. It is not for everyone. I offer it to those looking for an alternative to feminist dysfunction. You will find your own balance.

Marriage is under constant assault. This formula has worked for centuries and still works today.

THE ACTIVE (MALE) PRINCIPLE

The Male Principle is the God Principle – energy, form and direction.

Women want to look up to their husbands. They tend to seek men who are older and more successful. Why? They want their husband to be like their father was (or should have been), strong, capable, reliable, protective and nurturing.

More than anything, they are seeking emotional and physical security. They feel most secure when they feel possessed by a strong, loving man.

A man should prepare himself for this role. He should have a clear vision of what he wants to do with his life. If he is lost, he might ask God how he can serve Him. What was I born to do?

A man’s work should be his first priority and source of challenge and self-confidence. In contrast, a woman was not designed to get meaning from career. For her, career is secondary to being loved and needed.

Despite what feminists say, a man should never show weakness. The essence of masculinity is power. If he is weak, he loses a woman’s respect. If he lacks confidence, he should gain it by setting goals and achieving them.

A man should never think of any woman as a sine qua non. That puts him in a position of weakness. (She has to pass your test, not vice-versa.)

A man should never succumb to emotional blackmail. If a woman is withholding love or sulking, he should give her time to get over it.

A man should know what role he wants his wife to play. A man usually chooses on the basis of sexual attraction. What else does he want? I appreciate my wife’s reasonableness, intelligence, competence, and sense of humor. Think of the long haul. You need someone who is easy to live with.

Most women were meant to be wives and mothers. A man should think about becoming a father and the responsibility this entails. He is not only providing for his offspring, but also teaching them how to be human beings. He is creating a new world, a family.

A man will not care about something that doesn’t belong to him. He should find a woman who is prepared to surrender power in exchange for love. A creature with two heads is a monster. A family with two heads will go in two directions. The man is the head; the woman is the heart.

Marriage is about dependence, not independence. It is about union, two people becoming one. For women, surrender of power is the essence of love. If a woman can’t trust a man with her life, she doesn’t love him and shouldn’t marry him.

Marriage is about possession and being possessed, which most men and women crave. A successful union is the only thing that satisfies the spiritual hunger underlying the sex drive, and prevents wander lust.

The heterosexual contract is this. The husband has the power and he does his best within reason to make his wife happy. A man cannot love a woman if he doesn’t have the power to grant her wishes.

But a man must keep his end of the contract, or the marriage is off. He must be loyal, and show every day how much he appreciates her.

CUTTING THROUGH THE FOG: THE STALINIZATION OF LOVE

The vast majority of people find their identity and values in family. Destroy the family and the state is in control.

Incredible as it sounds, the Illuminists are building a world police state. The international bankers finagled the right to create money out of nothing and collect interest on it. They need a police state to protect this racket and make sure no country defaults. They own the mass media, politicians, and dominate big business.

Feminism is the cover for a sophisticated illuminist propaganda program. We have been brainwashed.

Nobody has a problem with treating women as equal to men. Feminism treats women as though they were men. It portrays heterosexuality as pathology and discriminates against men. Women are favored for jobs so they will have careers instead of children and men can’t support their families.

Society is being sabotaged. Alas, this is what the “war on terror” is really about, enslaving the world, not protecting it.

Bella Dodd, a former leader of the American Communist Party revealed: “The bourgeois family as a social unit was to be made obsolete.” The aim was to “create a new type of human being that would conform to the world they confidently expected to control.”

The bankers use Communism is to overthrow the Christian foundations of Western civilization and put themselves in charge. This is the true meaning of revolution.

The Rockefeller Foundation funds feminism. I searched RF and “Women’s Studies” in Google and got 137,000 entries. They have funded population control and eugenics research for decades, here, in the USSR and in Nazi Germany.

With women usurping the male role, we are becoming a homosexual society. There is a difference between accepting homosexuals as human beings, which I do, and allowing society as a whole to become homosexual.

Sound extreme? Consider this.

Homosexuality is the inability to form a permanent bond with a member of the opposite sex. It is commonly characterized by an obsession with sex and promiscuity. Sex becomes a surrogate for love. Doesn’t this describe society today?

Homosexuals generally have sex but no families or children. The bankers want us to have fewer children, and indeed the birth rate has plummeted since the 1960′s.

The Illuminists aren’t afraid of gays, single mothers or children. They are afraid of proud strong men who have families to protect. This is behind the degradation of men.

An ad for Swanson’s TV Dinners goes like this. Working mom asked for a big bowl she can eat on the run. Swanson responded. Kids wanted something for after school. Swanson responded. “Dad wanted to wear mom’s frilly under things!” Picture father with a goofy smile. “We didn’t know how to respond.” This is an example of the ongoing corporate attack on masculinity. The Whiskas cat food ads are another. They would never portray women as cats.

“First You Get the Women, Then You’ve Got the Children, So Follow the Men” -Adolph Hitler

CONCLUSION

We can fight the New World Order by having strong male-led families.

After many marital mishaps, I now have a frictionless marriage. My wife and I complement each other. She doesn’t compete, criticize, complain or try to control, the four C’s. She tells me if something is wrong. I try to make her happy. She’s part of me.

Because of her passive nature, I don’t feel like I must constantly anticipate and meet her expectations. Rather she allows me to propose. Usually, she assents. When she doesn’t, we compromise. Her acquiescence empowers and completes me.

I love her. She commits the unpardonable crime. She is good to a man.

Summary Of Online Matrimony Sites

2012-01-22T00:53:00.003Z

Since I started this blog, I've purposely steered away from talking about Muslim online matrimonial sites. Perhaps its time to start dropping my thoughts.

Here's a thought:

Perspective

2012-01-20T00:10:00.002Z

"The average life span in my Ummah is between sixty and seventy years, and only a few pass this age.'' - Tirmidhi

Perspective.

Perspective is what keeps my quest going. I suppose I could have opted for some pretty fine looking women. I suppose, I could have chosen to go and fulfil my desires the right way. But they would have been bad decisions. The reason has to be more than frustration.

If we go upon the above hadith. Should Allah grant me those years, I've lived approx 1/3 of my life. Leaving 2/3's to share with a woman who will stand by my side and help me raise our children.

Think about it. Taking away the years of growing up as a child, reaching puberty and then looking to find someone who will be that garment that Allah talks of. That's a fair number of years.

All of a sudden when you realise Jannah is the resting place you seek. Would it not affect your decision?

You know that pretty face? Doesn't quite cut it any more. You begin realise, after being sexually active it will become like any other instinct. You soon take it for granted and then move on to the more important stuff. Because there will always be the more important stuff. It's an essential part of being insaan.

The fitna grows like a disease every day. I want to be selfish. But I can't.

Why?

Perspective.

Thrill Of The Unseen

2012-01-17T09:38:00.001Z

There's something ever so exciting and adventurous about about the uncertain world. Lately I found myself becoming a little distant with things. Although I believe my diet and regime to account for this lack of interest and energy, I believe there is more to it. You can either slog along panting throughout this cold winter from the bottom of your breathe 'when are things going to start moving' or you can begin to embrace the thrill.

Me? I'm going to embrace the thrill option. What's been lacking is the motivation and the drive. Right now I'm jumping back in the drivers seat. I've booked my 13,000ft skydive and I'm ready to start backpacking. I'm on course to finish the tafsir of Qur'an by end of the year if I keep up my 6 classes a week and do some intensive weekends. I'm currently the best version of myself in every single way. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm confident, smarter, sharper, stronger and I'm told that I'm more handsome than I've ever been.

I feel ridiculously focused and I know of the things I want and how I will achieve them.

The beautiful thing about qadr (ordainment) is you never know what's around the corner. For example; the suitors I'm currently looking into, there's that hope for the best, I continue to put in effort and make each one work but I'm mostly inclined to expect the worst. It's become a way of quest.

Whenever we develop as human beings our thoughts, aspirations and needs change accordingly. This is a cycle that will you come to appreciate and learn. Until the law of quest (qadr) says otherwise.

I don't feel frustrated. I have this serene and calm feeling. It feels intoxicating.

No human can go frustration free. These phases are short lived because you realise Allah created you as a human, and like every other being - weak. However, I've found ways to keep these stages and weaknesses to a minimum, and because of that I'm constantly becoming the best version of myself.

Appreciate being single. I can only do all these things without having to worry or be responsible for her.

It humbles me that regardless of how much I try, what I achieve will only come by the decree of Allah. And there's not a darn thing I can do about that. As that knowledge resides with him and him alone. He's going to take care of the unseen stuff. I have to take care of the seen stuff. I like this arrangement. Simple and quite sick.

I'm chillin', I'm dillin' n I'm en route to be thrillin'. N'am sayin'?

This One Made Me Grin

2012-01-16T00:23:00.000Z

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

Deterring Attraction - Alpha Tip #1

2012-01-08T23:30:00.002Z

Realisation strikes. Lowering your gaze. Fasting and every other hardline advice in avoiding temptation.

Still provin' to be heck of a struggle.

Yes y'all I've been doing further field studies.

Shaytaan's a sneaky one. Coming to you directly isn't very effective anymore. He'll send a hot girl your way instead.

She will look into your eyes, strike a conversation and tell you that you're funny. That gleaming smile. It's charming. Don't let it affect you too much.

Grow your beard.

I get smiles, just not as much - The hobo look seems to be a success!

Complete turn off.

Courtship vs. Dating

2012-01-02T22:21:00.000Z

"The dating game has been played for years, and many people have nothing to show for it but new found bitterness and a broken, distrusting heart. For the majority of single people, dating is the process of finding a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. A disconnect occurs when some adults who are looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend have no intention of going further and finding a husband or wife. Marriage is not for everyone.
Unfortunately, so many don’t figure out that their partner has different intentions until they are too invested. If they were aware of their partner's disinterest in wedded bliss, then they have already wasted too much time trying to change their partner's intentions.

I have fought this battle before, and now I’m constantly watching my friends go through the same song and dance only to get disappointed. The frustration that comes after the heartbreak has had many of them asking: “Are boyfriends/girlfriends a waste of time?”

In today’s society the process of dating is the prevalent means to find a mate. However, there used to be a time where there was no such thing as a boyfriend or girlfriend and “dating” was frowned upon. Instead of going out to the clubs to find someone, men had to court a woman, with his ultimate intention being marriage. During courtship in some circles (mainly religious) a man and woman could not hold hands, kiss, or even hang out without parental supervision. My parents, for example, have been married for 26 years and never went out on a pre-marital date.

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend would not be a waste of time if the title held more importance. The titles should definitely have more meaning once you reach adulthood, because with the title comes expectations of long term commitment. That realization made me understand why my mother, who is of the formal courtship era, referred to my now husband as my “friend” the entire seven years that we dated.

Recent generations take what I like to call the “Forrest Gump Approach”. In the movie he compared life to a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get; the same could be said for relationships, except in the dating process we have become accustomed to biting each piece of chocolate before deciding which one we want to eat.

When you compare the way we find a mate today to the practices of yesteryear, there are obviously extreme differences. On one end, there is the no intimacy before marriage approach, and on the other end, there is the intimacy driven approach. Those who adhere to the intimacy driven approach believe compatibility is dependent upon sexual and physical chemistry. In my opinion, sexual chemistry is just when you discover what you like and being lucky enough to find someone who is willing to meet those needs.

Some people have found a middle ground by committing cautiously instead of isolating themselves. Of course, in would be a perfect world, people would state their intentions up front, and we would be able to see beyond physical attraction to find someone who wants the same things. In the end, you would be wasting your own time if you kept committing yourself to people who simply are not relationship material." - Simon Waugh

Guess what Simon - This is how we court in Islam. Wonderful isn't it?

After filtering prospects and after filtering some more. I've been thinking a lot about this. Years back, I could never articulate myself fully when it came to the discourse in test driving women vs courting them. With the help of the qur'an it's the only way forward. I don't just agree because it is what Allah has commanded but from a more logical approach - It does lead to a healthier society. Functioning the way it should.

Less broken hearts. Less broken families. Less baggage. Healthier hearts and healthier human beings.

In this society it's perfectly acceptable to test drive women. If she consents, why not? Using common sense as the grounds of reason seems to work, right?

Maybe not. I pray Allah guides us all to tawheed and grants us guidance so we do genuinely become better and more respectful people.

Confusion Hits Home - Entry 10

2011-12-12T01:14:00.002Z

I sat there collecting my thoughts on the prayer mat. An hour passed and I realised I still needed to do my Witr. I've been occupying myself so much, it's starting to show. Zeal is the most inefficient source of energy to run on. It always leads to failure.

Mon-Fri I fit in a total of 15 classes in addition to full time work, commitments and obligations. That's 5 tafsir classes, 5 tajweed lessons and 5 gym sessions. I don't sleep a great deal these days as you can imagine.

I sat there thinking where do I go from here? All those road maps I planned out, all those refined ideas, where are they going? This is where it begins.

What if you had something to share with the world. Something that no young Muslim has done before. These brilliantly amazing ideas spinning out in all forms, shapes and sizes. Islamically you feel inclined to offer something just to bring you closer to Allah. As a human being you have something to offer the world. As a fellow engineer, a sparkling fresh entrepreneur. Which route do you take? Or more importantly, can I achieve all of these?

Is it wrong to keep all these things to yourself? A simple, humble life - It's a nice idea.

I'm stuck because I have nobody to speak to. Nobody that can offer me value. Some of your friends still find console games the most entertaining thing in the world. Some of your friends have confined themselves just to the masjid and lack the ability to bring their academic skills in line with their deen. Others that just like talking and not doing. Then there are those who you are unable to get through to because they have their own struggles. And so on.

I have a great deal of thoughts. I am severely unfulfilled. I can't help but feel what I'm doing right now just isn't enough. There's a number of things I can throw out there and identify what this lack of fulfilment is but there's so much more to it than that.

I can't do istikhara. I have nothing to do it on.

Here's a funny thought. If I'm finding it difficult to connect with my friends and my peers. This leaves my chances in finding an understanding and reassuring wife next to nada. Ha.

The quest has completely dried up. I no longer know how and where to look.

All this? It's going to be a really difficult one. I've never been to this place before. I'm just totally, unquestionably, categorically and absolutely unsure.

Severely un-ful-filled. I'd like to see you get out of this one.

Where Has The Decency Gone?

2011-12-10T18:03:00.002Z

Shamelessness. The less of it you have the more like animals you become. - Nouman Ali Khan

The more you look at someone, staring at someone unlike a decent human being. You're looking at them like an animal. A piece of flesh, a piece of meat.

Here's the fabric of brotherhood, you don't let anyone in your pack become an animal. When you see them looking at a women from top to bottom you know what they're thinking of is far from decency. Hey, what if that was your mother? What if that was your sister?

Granted we're living in a society where some women don't have respect for themselves but you need to have some self-respect and some dignity. Because meat is being displayed doesn't make it an open invitation for you to become like an animal and feast on it.

In a society where ideals such as "Freedom", "You only live once, live it to the max" and not forgetting the classical "Do what you like as long as two people consent to it, what's the problem?" It leads to shamelessness and corruption within society. We only have to look around us to see this freedom is failing society. There are many great things about this society but shamelessness isn't one of them.

We've become so immune to this filth, we have families who can sit together and when this filth comes on the TV, whilst sitting with your father, your mother, your brother and your sister we say "it's only one bad scene, it'll pass." Where's the respect?

"Oh this sister looks fine.." *Clicks - Add to friends* You're destroying your shamelessness and your character. Just a heads up; yes, she's super hot! I ain't gonna deny it but the akhira is even hotter - Jus sayin'. Not only are you going to taking your self to fitna, you're dragging this sister with you. Where's the decency?

You know that sister with the camel hump hijaab and apple bottom jeans? Or the one with the khaleeji hijaab? Guess what, 100's if not 1000's of other guys have checked her out just as you're checking her out. Do you want to befriend her just as others have? Where is the haya?

We need to revive the level of shame or it will destroy our family life. You will not have a healthy marriage and you certainly won't raise good children.

The prophet (saw) in all his wisdom warned us of a time where women would appear to be wearing clothes but they would not be wearing clothes.

If you watch and listen to shamelessness you will become shamelessness. If your company is shamelessness they will lead you to shamelessness.

We need to fix up. You hear that SoulSeek? "Loud and clear."

Fix up.

Why Men And Women Cannot Be Friends

2011-12-09T22:14:00.003Z

The deen is clear cut in its stance on this. This hikmah from the qur'an in how and why is just truly profound.

Lets see what regular folks have gotta say.

Warning: Contains some lol'age.

Drop your thoughts below.

It's difficult Being Male

2011-12-06T10:18:00.002Z

Allah (swt) made men and women differently and here's something women will never understand.

That women are of man's biggest weakness. Easily. It's something that's uncontrollable. It's doesn't matter if you're fat or fit. Young or old. Healthy or ill. Black or White. Short or Tall. Handsome or not so handsome. What culture you come from - Men all have the same weakness.

They will never understand because in many cases Allah (swt) has made women oblivious to how much it affects us. For example, lets take a look at the ayah that came commanding believing men and women to lower their gazes.

Woman "Oh okay, that's not so bad"
Man "Man, you don't understand.."
Woman "What? Don't you have the same eyes that we do? Don't we look through the same retina? Process the same information.. stimuli? What's the problem?"
Here's the problem. Women don't understand the power of this desire that Allah (swt) has put inside of us. It is the #1 of desires that was beautified for men. It is also the #1 fitna, the prophet (saw) feared for this ummah - Women.

You will just never get how difficult it is, You will never get how it's the one thing constantly going through our mind. It's the one thing we can't just stop regardless of how hard we try. It's hard because that's just how the son of Adam (as) was created, it's natural and a part of our fitrah.

It's damaging. Just like the need of food. Remember that time when you hadn't eaten in over a day? You felt malnourished, tired, unable to move and all you wanted to do was eat. The one thing on your was that image of a pizza slice being picked with melted cheese dripping from the slice and cheese crust. OMG YUM! (I shouldn't have typed that whilst fasting!)

Now apply that analogy to a young, fit Muslim man living in western society.

When you do the unhuman thing and withhold yourself from this need. And the one halal option shows no avail? A different kind of hard begins. I don't even know where to begin in explaining this one.
Whoever makes it to the other side chaste. You sir... go and check out one of the qualities of a believer in surah Al Mumininoon between ayah's 2 and 11. You just elevated your status insha'Allah in one of the greatest feats any man can face. Kudos to you.

I have a mental draft in the form of a book on this very issue. Some day, just some day..

It's hard being a man.

This Is Belief - Entry 8

2011-12-05T10:34:00.001Z

It's Monday morning and I was sat here talking to the dude across me about creationism, etymology and the great theism debate.

It made me realise what it means to be a Muslim. To believe in tawheed and to have a set of values that no man has defined.

The affair of the believer is amazing in that it is always good for him and this is true only for a believer. If something joyful comes to him, he gives thanks and that it is good for him. If something harmful comes to him, he is patient and that is good for him. [Muslim]

I pray all those who aren't mu'mins get to try this out some day.

It's hard, it's crap and it's testing but this is the very fabric of belief. Time to soldier on SoulSeek. Time to soldier on fella.

Hope Responds - Entry 7

2011-12-05T08:41:00.001Z

I woke up at 5:30am to close my fast and I'm met with this wonderful news in hope's response. Hope dived into a messy situation, leaving me stranded on the sidewalk in a difficult position to clean up. So, I laughed a little. Perhaps out of sheer confusion.

I strolled into work and I just squared up to the mirror and I had a look at myself, that look . . ah that look is the look of a very, very tired person.

Clearly he up there doesn't me to get married any time soon.

That resolves that. Alhamdulillah.

Executing Hope - Entry 6

2011-12-04T19:35:00.001Z

Mr P asked me again "should we find out if she's single?" I hesitated for a while and many thoughts came flooding through my head. It came down to the following, back then I felt she was the best for me and right now I feel the same. It scared me how I had defaulted to her over the others.

"Lets do this. I'm going to do istikhara and I'll give you a definitive answer."

I informed Mr P with my answer. Mr P spoke to his wife and his wife called around and managed to speak to her.

I heard she wasn't too pleased. Heck, I was expecting worse. But the important thing is.. she didn't say no.

I had no intention in speaking to her. Nah, that wasn't the way. I was going to find an opportunity to see her mother, her father and her. Rules are rules.

I spoke to my mother and she called her mother. She arranged for us to go and see them next week to congatulate them on their hajj.

I just got a call from a number I didn't recognise.

It was her. Deja vu.

A True Love Story - III

2011-12-04T12:54:00.000Z

Ah man, another deeeeep love story - What a status to have!

I had the pleasure of seeing and meeting Sheikh Zahir Mahmood twice last month. EPIC. That is all.

Knocking On Hope's Door - Entry 5

2011-11-30T09:26:00.002Z

He quickly identified 10 areas in my life and he gave me examples on how I've always came out on the top.

"Everything you do, you don't just do it well. You excel and come out at the top but for some reason, you keep banging your head on this door" He pointed to this big box - MARRIAGE. "It isn't opening. Something is up and we have to figure it out."

"You can't just walk away not wanting to get married. It's completely natural to feel what you're feeling. We have to get you married. Before you can move onto this other big box. Right?"

"Going back to what you began with, you said that you made a mistake with a prospect. Lets talk about that."
And we did. "She had everything I was looking for but here's what happened" I said.

"Shall we find out if she's still single?"

Is this guy serious? Hold on, he is. Give him that look man, give him that look! Damn, he didn't even flinch. He is actually dead serious about this.

"I'll give you 5 reasons of why this is a bad idea" I said.

Whenever you play a physical sport such as football; and you just cannot penetrate the first line of defence. That frustration drives you wild, you'll find ways to barge into them and resort to dirty tactics but as soon as they regain possession of the ball you stick your leg out in hopes you'll touch the ball.

Mr P was the defender and everything I said, he refuted so subtly without trying. He made me realise that what she did and how she was reacting wasn't her being a complete pain. She was responding how any hurt person would.

"Do istikhara again because all these questions I just asked you. I was testing the waters, you still feel she is the best for you based on these reasons. Is right of me to assume that?"

I hesitated. Just tell him how it is Soul, just tell him how it is. ~ "Yes."

Veiled Rejections - Entry 4

2011-11-29T16:50:00.001Z

Families will reject you based on your family. With no bearings on you. Infact they may even like you.

It's jahil, it's not from Islam and it certainly is not fair.

But that's life.

Mr P brought me to the realisation that years of my failures have been because of that very reason. From Husna straight through to the journalist. I was so busy looking at myself I forgot to take a peek on the outside.

The Animal Kingdom - Entry 3

2011-11-29T09:00:00.001Z

Rage, Reason (lack of), dominance and not forgetting the infamous.. kill or be killed.

For those of you within the UK, frozen planet has been airing. If you haven't already watched it: *Clicky*. It's epic beyond proportion. The creation Allah (swt) is just flawless. A master behind unfathomable design. What intrigued me more was the animals. They inspired my title.

For years I've noticed a reoccurring theme in tafsir class. "He's a kafir!" "He's a kafir and here's my evidence!"

These guys are no better than the opposition. What they're preparing is religious ammunition. What they're doing is wrong. There's no getting through to stubbornness.

Yesterday in tafsir, 14 bodies present. A room full of raging testosterone. The times weren't working for me. I'm finishing towards midnight and I start work very early hours in the morning.

The other guys come late because of Gym, football and busy playing on Call Of Duty/Playstation throughout the whole night. I put my case across. No one said a word bar this one brother. This brother is known to be stubborn, reams of arrogance and he's an unreasonable guy.

He made it an issue. He continued to make matters worse with his sarcastic tone. He made it personal.

I have a thing against bullies. The whole room was sat there watching it go back and forth.

He's facing Mufti saab not even battering an eye lid "We all have responsibilities, he's not the only one."

One other student spoke up "It's not about that, he's working and you're not. Gym is flexible and work isn't. Be realistic."

Incoherent, lack of reasoning and going up in rage and arms. Strike 2. Words with ill intent.

What was a simple issue of timing he took matters to a whole new level. This is how fist fights in masjid have begun.

Come a couple of years ago. Brother, you don't speak like that if you have no intent of seeing them through until the end. That's where I come from and that's how we deal with things. I spoke very few words.

A time wasn't agreed. All the other students looking on like a bunch of garden gnomes. Individuals at 16 stone unable to talk because they don't want to offend him. Speaking the truth does come at a price.

I was pulled up afterwards. "We all know he's in the wrong. No one says anything to him, remember what happened last time with xyz? I asked myself why you didn't do anything. I know you would have taught him a lesson physically and verbally."

"I controlled my anger."

"Soulseek, you're wise. You won."

I sit next to this guy and we study 5 times a week until we now finish the qur'an. The time that has been set will now affect my ability to study the qur'an, granted I've sacrificed the past 3 years to make this compromise for the sake of Allah. It will also affect my external obligations because brothers wish to amuse themselves. Alhamdulillah.

Shaytaan inside of me thrills for things like these. I'm not going to entertain it. Fullstop. Especially not for where I've booked my tickets to.

Jannah; Have you heard of this place?

Quiz Time!

2011-11-27T21:19:00.001Z

One for the regulars...

I made a big mistake in letting one prospect go.

Who was this prospect? And why?

Last Night Was Magical - Entry 1

2011-11-26T17:53:00.000Z

Mr P.

Mr P has always been one of my biggest inspirations in life. He achieved so much at such a young age. And his wisdom. He is what we would call gifted and blessed with an insight that only a small percentage in this world possesses.

I first met him when I was 12. Being street, I never quite got his big words nor experiences. But he was a cool dude. He always made an effort with me. It wasn't up until my mid and later teenage years I started to realise what kind of a man Mr P was. I have always had this respect for people use their strengths for good. What made him so different? Intellectually elevated. He has mountains of knowledge. Paired up with this Islamic nafsiyyah (disposition) and unparalleled wisdom. I believe he has abilities that not many men have. I love his humbleness, level of humility and his ability to understand, speak and relate to other people.

I saw him marry 9 years ago. I was 14. Since then his achievements have been profound. He learnt fusah Arabic with his wife. Both Pakistanis. They home schooled their 3 children who are most beautiful children I have come across. They all speak Arabic. His recitation and application of the qur'an. Just to name a few.

Mr P - He is truly one of a kind.

I had an epiphany this week. Some of the later entries will brief on this. It's been wild. I haven't been able to control myself whilst working. Random notes, emails, tafsir comments, ideas, plans and thoughts. Collated, and just all over the place. Just all these ideas, reams of thoughts. Just hanging around up here. Something had to happen.

I dropped Mr P a text on Monday. Monday passed. Nothing. Tuesday passed. Nothing. Another text of desperation. Wednesday passed. And nothing.

It was sad. From the hundreds of people I have befriended I felt like there was really nobody else I could turn to. I love my brothers, handfuls of best friends and people of knowledge but I felt like none would:

1. Get it.
2. Provide me with the kind of clarification I'm looking for.

I know this because I did the litmus test with 10 close people. Not particularly the epiphany but just bits and bats. And I was right. I was stuck here. Alone.

Everyone could use somebody. Especially in times of need. In the past, I have done this alone but this time, it was to be different. Musa (as). An epic, profound prophet of Allah. Even he needed somebody.. he needed his brother.

Thursday came and Mr P... responded! He was ill (having just come back from hajj) and he managed to get the kids to sleep and get me in for Friday evening. It was his wife's turn to have some her time, so he was all mine.

Mr P's house is really warm and welcoming. "Please make yourself at home and put your feet up. What are you having?" "Water" I said. He sighed and said "that's unacceptable, can you stop being so boring." I laughed. "Coffee please."

"Soulseek.. speak to me." I smiled. Because my inspiration. My benchmark. The guy whom I will excel beyond in all matters of deen (insha'Allah) is sat there, right there - smiling at me. "This is going to be a long one, I apologise in advance. I'm going to think aloud as I haven't had the time to put it together. Get ready for some incoherent thoughts." I said. He laughed "Let me go and get a notepad and pen."

I started talking. I fumbled at the first hurdle. "I don't know where to begin but the start is always a good place." He laughed. I looked at my notes on my tablet. I digressed. I then related it back to the original topic of discussion. Ayahs of qur'an flowing with my disjointed thoughts. It then started to come together. It exploded.

An hour had passed "... and breathe" I said, laughing.

We were facing each other. "Soulseek, come here and sit with me. I hope you like diagrams." I walked across.

What happened after that was.. magical. He managed to decipher and bring it back to 2 fundemental things. He did a Soulseek on me. He simplified and made great, great sense of things.

Mr P. Allah bless you. Allah bless with jannat al firdous because people like you are gems. And gems need duas for protection. Allah gifted you to me.

The next couple of days are going to be seriously interesting. Mr P put it there! High 5!

It's Happening Again

2011-11-23T23:51:00.001Z

Earlier this year, 10 months ago I went through this phase. My brain tapped into what felt like unlocked potential. You have to have experienced this to understand it. The kind of knowledge I was absorbing, the rationale of my mind and the things I was thinking about? I don't know where to begin. I was reading 9 books at a given time. I felt weird but I felt good, things made so much sense. I went on this crazy stint for almost half a year, til the pursuing continued and wore me down.

I made one mistake during that time. I didn't write down some of the things that came to me so that I could refine those ideas.

Well, it's started again. I have a different perspective. Even towards marriage and my own approach on things. I ain't letting it creep this time. I'm still intensively doing the tafsir of Surat Al Baqarah every weekday. Firstly, I must praise Ibrahim (as), he truly was a genius. Allahu Akbar. I can't describe the honour and smile on my face in hopes of meeting him in Jannah. Want? YES! I wish I could write my thoughts what the mufassireen have wrote in their tafaseers' but that would take weeks to collate. However, I must first do this. These Ayahs are speaking to me - By Allah I can't explain how intimately. I find it difficult to contain myself. It seems Allah has blessed me with this ability to understand and see certain things. Everything is all so clear.

This intensive tafsir is really tiring. Even though I've done it for almost 3 years now, it's different and more difficult. We spent 1 hour on 1 ayah even then I feel like it was rushed. I finish near midnight and I start work around fajr. Inbetween these hours I commit to my obligations and try to split my time between family, friends, studying and gym. I also start arabic this weekend again. My 7 day schedule is . . Well, difficult. I haven't been on my home pc for ages. I'm having to write on my tablet.

I've got a shed load on my mind. I'm going to be banging out all my thoughts should time permit. Diary format.

Let me begin with the first thing.

After years and years on this quest? It's over. I'm done.

Failsafes And How They Make You Feel Safe

2011-11-20T23:54:00.003Z

I like simple mechanisms. Here's one:

Fail safe - Something designed to work or function automatically to prevent breakdown of a mechanism, system, or the like.

Once upon a time a lil female crept her way into my feelings and she left a mark. Aww, cute. Having never let a woman do that before, it was a new experience to me. I was always used to a different kind of struggle. It happens. From a young age surrounded by the bleak facts of a difficult life, I took it on. I fought. and I succeeded. I always looked up to the challenges of what my path would bring forth. I took the path to become a strong, rounded individual. Being a head strong practising Muslim, I never had a relationship with anyone. I had no idea how evil some women could be. I haven't pursued the worst of what's out there. Alhamdulillah. I have however had a taster of how evil some can be.

I have been wronged throughout this process. Because of that I had developed a mental fail safe. I made conscious efforts to maintain this lack of emotional attachment when speaking to suitors. Naturally after spending months in speaking to her you will grow a liking, it's human like. I'm game for that, it's important to establish some kind of liking. However, the problem starts at the attachment part. You shouldn't become dependents or too involved at this stage. When I speak to my suitors, I let everything flow naturally. However, I never let her become the centre of my daily activities. As soon as we finish talking, I don't think about things like I used to. It keeps my mental state fresh. She's just another scheduled task. Having done this 3 times now, when things didn't work out. I was back on form without being hung up.

I find it difficult to posses any feelings or think about her. When I look back, it's always to take a look at myself or the whole situation.When the gut feeling senses that something off, the fail safe kicks in. The signal is transmitted to my brain When things fall over. I move on.

What happens when things don't work out? Going upon my last 3 success failures - I look at how I conducted myself throughout the whole process. Islamically and as a good man. If I did something wrong, I will not let that happen again. If I was wronged, I will think of ways to minimise that the next time round. I then reflect. Look deeply within myself. Assess my physical and mental state of mind. Then I proceed to network for more prospects.

Simple? It works for me.

The Strife Continues

2011-11-19T22:55:00.002Z

That gut feeling down there? Intuition. It's on a roll. It told me that It wasn't going to work out.

And it scored. It didn't work out.

Mufti "Have you done istikhara?"
Her "Yes"
Mufti "Was it Positive?"
Her "Alhamdulillah, it was"
Mufti "Then Allah has given you glad tidings to marry SoulSeek. He has closely studied under me for almost 3 years. If you want a character of piety and humility. SoulSeek is somebody I can vouch for. If you want a life of happiness. This young man provide for you where many would fail to.."

He continued to say all these amazing things about me. I blushed like a shy child. I don't do compliments. Yet, here. Now. This well renowned scholar was saying all these wonderful things about me. Wow.

Mufti "Your parents have no valid reasons to reject SoulSeek, do they?"
Her "No"
Mufti "I've dealt with many cases like this. This will work. And I will help you both through this."

Mufti talked to for a while. he clarified and made things so simple and clear for her. Yet she still managed to confuse things. She called her parents the next day. Now apparently they rejected me based on my character. Even though they had never met me.

Hold on. Wut?

It kept getting stranger and stranger. Apparently they had decided this 2 months ago, yet they still let things progress. Wallahi I have no idea what games they are playing with her but her emotional state was not pretty. She ended up in complete denial. Then she slipped up some nasty information.

Without going into much detail. I was lied to. Their whole family was dishonest. They were deceiving. They were ignorants. They certainly were not Islamic. And her family never had intentions to let her get married. They all ganged up on her and bullied her. Yet she still continued to put on this front.

Not only did they play her a fool but they brought me, my sacrifices and my whole family in for the ride. Have these people no imaan?

I spoke to my Mufti.I saw that look I haven't seen in a long time. It's quite a scary look. "That's injustice... You have been wronged. Be patient. For Allah will give you your due."

I can't believe what she did. I can't believe what her family did.

Something about these sad entries, they kind of hurt. So, can I ask you all for a huge favour? Please keep me in your duas. It's all I ask for. By Allah, I cannot thank you enough.

Jazakallah Khair

My Theory On The X & Y Chromosomes

2011-11-17T09:15:00.001Z

I always thought that when X was pleased with Y.
And that when Y was pleased with X.
That would be the start.

I always thought that where there was chemistry flooding.
That would be awesome.

I always thought that when they had established compatibility, determined matters of intelligence and deen and they then shared similar aspirations, goals and dealt with matters amicably.
That would be amazing.

I always thought that when both had found comfort in one another.
That would make your eyes glimmer.

I always thought when X could provide 40 reasons in why Y is the one, then stop the list at his request as there were one too many reasons. And when she then broke that list down detailing why Y is the best for her and the vast number of qualities and attributes he brings with him.
That would make you greatful.

I always thought that when both X & Y had consulted Allah and he was pleased.
NOTHING could taint that.

I guess I was wrong.

Alhamdulillah.

My Veins Are Pounding Success

2011-11-15T10:39:00.001Z

There's something in my blood. I can't stop it.

When a man feels this surge of power and energy to give it his best. He gives out this aura. With that crazy look in his eyes. I call it happiness. I call it success.

Something won't let me give into any wrong or injustice.

My character and demeanor transforms when I have conviction in something. This has always been one of my greatest strengths.

I was never the problem. Nor is my family. But I get it now. Her family think that they're better than us. Her whole family is great on putting a front. They've got a chip on their shoulder. Masha'Allah. Their snobiness is their greatest upset. And our tiny 4 bedroom house is no match for their gigantic 7 bedroom house.

This is jahliyyah and inaad. I refuse to stand for it.

She told me they're now bringing prospects forward for her to get over me. She's completely torn. She saw how horrible it was when they all turned on her other sister, now that same sister is turning on her along with everyone else.

My Mufti voiced his thoughts, he's not happy. I've told her one last time. I will stand by her side. That dude I talked, crazy? That's me. Either way this goes, I'm a winner.

The ball's in her court.

Shoot. And shoot far.

Because I am SoulSeek and you ain't never met a dude like me. BAM!

My World Is No.2

2011-11-08T19:20:00.001Z

Today's Fajr alarm felt like a blur. That feeling you get when you're drifting in between the state being asleep and awake. I didn't get a great deal of sleep, I wasn't actively think about what had happened, my brain has just learnt to switch off. Just that cold and numb feeling remains. After praying Fajr, an idea came to me. One of her brother's is an Aalim. I met him on Saturday. He seemed like a very reasonable and well balanced character. Someone who has been fairly distant from the family in doing his own thing. Ideas started flaring. The way I would approach him and the way I would put my case across. From what his sister had informed me of, I felt like he had no idea of what was going on in their household, the difficulties placed on his youngest sister. I felt that he could be the one to relay back to the parents a more refined and reasoned approach. Afterall, I'm still waiting to be dismissed for the right reasons from any suitor. If it isn't injustice, it's some personal issues. When am I going to get that satisfaction in being rejected rightfully?

Then it occurred to me. She said that what her family were doing, the injustice that they were doing - It was justified. It was justified in some twisted way for her to accept this. When a personal is emotionally distraught, it happens. I can't help or work with her when she's accepted defeated. Optimist, pessimist, realist. Schmucks.

It's time for a refresh. Last night, me and 3 others (geetarhiro et al) had the most random idea. To hit a fairly small Island. We all needed a break. So we booked it last night and we all managed to blag some holidays off work. Get some nice apartments with a pool and a car waiting for us tomorrow. I need this. All these difficulties and tests? It's my first opportunity to wind down, away from here.

The world is 3 days:
As for yesterday?
It has vanished along with all that was in it.
As for tomorrow?
You may never see it.
As for today?
It is yours, so work on it.
[Hassan Al-Basree]

It is time to start steering my life in the direction I have wanted. I've already wasted a couple of years. I found myself wanting to wait for that essential and intricate part of my life to enter in finding that comfort I've been looking for but she isn't coming. She was never around for the years I most needed her, so I'm not dependent upon her today either. I've been through that struggle in finding me. In stripping my character apart to see the person that I am. Ugly. I made changes. Lots of them. I'm now ready for the next phase.

I'm in my early 20's. The age of Jannah is narrated to be 33. I have a few years to go in order to be that man I envisage to be. I've got a lot of work ahead of me Insha'Allah.

I've been studying Tafsir of the Qur'an intensively (5 days a week) for the past 2.7 years. This was whilst juggling the everything in my life including a time demanding degree. We've completed only a mere 16 Juz. I can't begin explain how much this has changed my life. I've taken a very active and balanced approach in developing myself as a human being. More importantly to be that slave to Allah.

I look at my life. My efforts. And my sacrifices. By the grace of Allah, he's steered me away from any Major Sins insha'Allah. I want dedicate my whole life in serving him, I have no other purpose.

I have complete and utter conviction that Allah is my lord and Muhammed (saw) is his last and final messenger. And that the Qur'an is the last and final book of Allah.

﴿أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ﴾

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

[Surat Ar-Rad - V28]

A new chapter is starting in my life. The intention has been made. I'm going to learn Arabic just so I can begin to gain a minuscule understanding the Qur'an. I can't even begin to describe what kind of kitaab the Qur'an is.

Throughout this marriage process I take a look back and I see how confident I've become, how warm and welcoming people are towards me. I'm still making revisions in my former self, to become better. I know the kind of person I am. Committed and determined. And as with any skill, quality or ability. Pour in copious amounts of effort and you'll be sure to see a return. But there's an added bonus. When you make intention in learning the qur'an for the sake of Allah, he promises to make it easy for you. Profound. Making the intention is half of the battle. It's time to step up and go for the gold.

Til next time. Masalaama :)

And It's A Wrap!

2011-11-08T00:03:00.006Z

The Journalist.

The first time I uttered the words "you're the one". She did the same in return. Allah made it so easy it was beyond belief. We wanted to get married this month. I invested every ounce of my free time into her.

Her family started the fitna. And they went in full force throughout Eid. Her soft natured personality was always overshadowed by her family and she was always bullied and seen as the weaker link. All islamic personalities too.

When it came to her making this decision, they felt 'moving away for her would be difficult'. Subhaanallah, this is what we Muslims have deteriorated to after finding everything else is key. Spot on. Plucking things out of thin air, telling her how she would feel. Her sisters were plain wrong and just sly. They constantly patronised and mocked her. They both married choices whom their parents did not approve of and they were dictacting her decisions. He brother was the type, who would threaten to server family ties if they don't approve of his dictatorship in the household. They used her as the maid of the house to even look after her sisters' husband too. Charming stuff. I loved her approach on these people. She always looked for the best in them. Great quality but it must be used correctly. Unfortauntely that's where she fell. She failed to recognise how damaging they were to her. To us. One can only sugar coat a wicked person for so long.

We worked. She loved my family. And we saw a future together. Today, she spoke to her father in SA and the siblings had relayed some nonsense back. They weren't very warm. Please note: They did not disapprove. They just felt concerned about her 'soft personality'. When I spoke to them they were equally as cold.

It all changed in 60 minutes when I asked her if she was willing to see this through. She cried. I will never understand this emotional blackmail families put upon each other. Me? I had very few words. Assalamu Alaikum was all I could say. I've established this level self respect and of self value. I've learnt to just walk away. You have to learn to accept that those hundreds of hours you invested only for it to fail - Is an essential part in picking the mother of your children. I stand by that.

She didn't step up. So, I retract my earlier statement about her being the one. 4 years on and every suitor is adament there is nothing wrong with me. I step outside of my body and I just stand there. I feel a different kind of numb.

I feel I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I've exerted myself.

Destiny. Maybe this is mine. Alhamdulillah.

O Muslims. Take Heed. Take Action. NOW.

2011-10-19T18:46:00.003+01:00

What on Earth is going on here?!

8 years. 8 years. Barbar Ahmed has been detained without trial.

I'm shocked. I'm also fuming to see so few signatures on the e-petition for our innocent brother Barbar Ahmed. Do we really care about what happens to him? Have we really done anything to help his case? If you one of those that do care. And that you are aware that you will be questioned by Allah when you were made aware of this and you ignored an innocent brothers' perseucation and that you will be questioned - What did you do? Ask yourself now. What will you answer?

Here is the template for the petition. Print-out as many as you can:

http://freebabarahmad.com/downloads/...n_template.pdf

1. You can get signatures from your local Mosque after Jummah salah.
2. You can print out several copies of the template and leave them in your local shops, barbers, etc.
3. You can even contact ISOCs and get them to run a campaign like 'JUSTICE WEEK' for Barber Ahmed.

Sign the e petition yourself:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/885

Imagine if he was your blood brother? What lengths would you go to, to help set him free?

''Allah will aid a servant (of His) so long as the servant aids his brother." [Muslim]

I realise the state of the Ummah is bad. Really bad, But this takes the cake. There are over 3 million Muslims in the UK. And we're unable to get a measley 100,000 signatures that literally takes seconds? Allahu Akbar.

We would rather waste hours on Facebook/YouTube instead. And we wonder why we're oppressed. FIX UP.

Dear Readers, respected brothers and sisters. Please, do your bit. Post it on your blog. Send it to your friends and family. Lets help our brother in dire need.

Meet The Siblings

2011-10-16T20:27:00.002+01:00

After a 4 hour drive with my sister yesterday we met the the siblings, well most of them. 2 brothers, 2 sisters, the sister in-law and two brother in laws. The nephew too.

After 5.5 hours we left their house to trek back home. I sat in the car and my sister turned sideways and looked at me. She said "You look different." Waiting for her to finish.

She continued "You look happy."

I smiled.

Marriage Blogs And Quests

2011-10-09T20:45:00.000+01:00

As always its good to see new and fresh blood.

If there's any that have slipped beneath my radar the comment box is below.

Masalaama (High Five!)

Women in Islam: Liberated or Oppressed?

2011-09-30T04:01:00.001+01:00

Myriam Francois Cerrah hit my radar early last year and every time I have heard this sister speak, she has made me smile.

Sisters, please take notes. This is what is means to be an active Muslimah. Speaking the truth with beautiful words, elegance and wisdom. Around here, we would describe her as being propa sick.

What she has highlighted here is what more of our women need to be openly talking about. As men we can address keys issues as such but Women and Islam is something women need to talk about. It holds more substance, it holds more value. An open dialogue of healthy discussion and debate. Not only has this sister handled herself in style on Question Time but she's here to make a statement. And a damned good one at that.

May Allah continue to equip this sister with the power and strength to continue her work.

P.S. Happy Jummah!

Me vs The World

2011-09-26T18:54:00.006+01:00

Assalamu Alaikum,

After re-opening the quest. Life is pacing really quickly. After Ramadan, my days have been flowing like water. The month is almost over and I start my new job this Jummah insha'Allah.

You may think I've been lazy with the updating my blog but the truth is wife-hunting has been taking all my free time. If I find a brother who has put in so much time, effort and determination in tying his camel. I will personally make him dinner. Beans on toast of course. Cupcakes for the number of prospects he has over me. Chunky figure.

I've filtered through about 15 girls in the past 18 days. You read that right. Seriously hard work. You have to put in some serious hours. Staying on top of your game, treating every prospect like she could potentially be the one. It's tough work and extremely taxing and draining on you and your emotional state of mind.

The kind of prospects that have been put forward were all practising sisters. From different races to a revert. Middle class straight through to upper class backgrounds. From a barrister through to students. Qur'an Hafiz to a writer. I've even had an imam and another father approach me. By Allah, I cannot express my gratitude from how he has placed all these opportunities for me. Quality prospects that actually want to get married. The standard of these girls, masha'Allah. I've entered the twilight zone.

After filtering through racial issues (their parents), mismatch in aspirations/expectations and identifying compatibility. I hit the top 3. These prospects seemed outstanding, I had no intention of filtering through many suitors at once, but I was approached at the same time, way to go timing! I tried to filter through them but its been difficult. So I decided to give the first sister who contacted me priority.

The Journalist.

One thing I've learnt in over 3 years on the quest is how make things happen and work. So we started talking earlier last week. I needed a retreat for a mental break so I headed down to geetarhiro's turf. I hooked up with my brothers. I spoke to the journalist that night and we made good progress. Her father was in the country until today. I wasn't going to pass up on this offer. We managed to pull off a last minute meet. Being 180 miles away from home, alhamdulillah they understood the benefit of us meeting and they agreed to meet.

I got the boys together and we hit the capital for dinner. The father and daughter arranged to meet me near the place we arranged to have dinner, so they travelled a little to meet there. I abandoned the boys for 90 minutes.

We met. We talked. We laughed. It was key, to the point but not too formal. Just right. We even disagreed on a few things. The father gave me a lift a few miles down. He seemed like a wonderful and understanding man, masha'Allah. I asked him for permission to speak to his daughter so we may establish compatibility. The trust and faith he placed on me. I can't say I've come across a father with such a warming and positive attitude. I like him. I like her too. We come from very different backgrounds but that's what makes it exciting. She has things to offer me that others didn't demonstrate.

I pray she is the one. Insha'Allah. Allah has made the process easy so far. Let it continue.

The first love story I posted? It benefited me a great deal, looks leading to attraction is one thing. Attraction from having faith in Allah, that's something else. I'm glad that I give every prospect the same opportunity they all deserve. If I didn't, I may have overlooked her because some of the prospects that were put forward. Honestly? Really attractive. I've come so far. I'm happy that I now know what I'm doing. My system works. My dealings are in adherance to Islam. The love and respect from all the families I've received. Every day I'm becoming the best version of myself.

Is there anything more satisfying in knowing that? Heck no.

P.S. Remember Potential #7? They came to our house for dinner yesterday. They hinted 3 times they're interested in marriage. Too late?

A True Love Story - II

2011-09-18T21:02:00.001+01:00

Jalal Ibn Saeed is a legend!

Masha'Allah, this one's a tear jerker! True love. Allahu Akbar.

Peace.

Muslim Apologetics

2011-09-15T15:05:00.001+01:00

Get suscribing y'all - This is going to be a fantastic channel!

My homeboy Deen!

Change. Lets make it happen.

It All Comes To Light Sooner Or Later

2011-09-14T01:56:00.002+01:00

What a week. I have never filtered through so many prospects in one sitting. Allah bless my helpers! 3 who are ticking my boxes so far. Filtering time!

It all comes to light sooner or later.

I just have to drag this out not for the sake of dragging it out but as a lesson.

Aisha. This is the last time you will ever hear her name being mentioned here. I ended things based on that gut feeling. Intution, that's what it's called. I've gone through how Allah listens to the sincere heartfelt dua of a believer.

My intuition was right about this girl. Trouble. News has travelled over a 100 miles about what she has been up to. Sad and dissappointing. However, it gives me that ultimate peace and tranquility in how she would have never suited me. This is my istikhara answered. 1.5 years later. That's the beauty in Allahs wisdom.

Another case. My mother wanted me to marry my first cousin over 2 years ago. I rejected because I saw culture and no deen. Besides, I wasn't a fan of marrying within our relatives. Mother til this day kept bringing it up. "You had the best girl available and you rejected her. Now somebody else is marrying her."

Aunty gave my mum an update, she's moved on from the simple girl she was. No hijaab, skinnies and almost vest like kameez (top). Mum finally understands what I've been trying to say for years. Alhamdulillah, that's patience, perserverance and dawah.

Saved yet again. Istikhara. Deep, deep stuff.

He's keeping someone special for me. He's protected me one too many times. Exciting times are ahead insha'Allah.

When I do find her. I've got some scary figures for you guys.

A True Love Story - I

2011-09-08T00:00:00.002+01:00

This is just beautiful.

I feel really soft right now. Infact, too soft. And this right here, gave me the reminder I needed.

Perfection. That's what Islam is.

The Beginning Of Many Blessings To Come

2011-09-06T06:30:00.002+01:00

It seems everybody seems to be making joint, collective duas for me. It really makes me blush when I hear about it.

I lose count of all these blessed people that check on me to see how I'm doing. Hoping in some shape or form they can help. Even if they can't they say "I will make dua for you." I say I don't feel deserving of it. And they reply with "it's the least we can repay you with."

One of my readers, SI said the following:

"My mum always says that if you're good to people, help them out, then Allah (swt) automatically creates people who do the same for you."

It's true. What she said right there? Magic.

Remember my adventurous escapade that involved a 400 miles journey for a 10 hour interview? It was for one of the largest and best companies to be at.. in the word.

A presentation. An interview. 3 groups excercises. 3 individual excercises. A negotiating task. And an exam.

I didn't sleep that night. I had some serious milage to cover and I made it to the site for 6:30am. 2 hours before the process. (Protip: Don't take advice from geetarhiro again.) I tried my best and I did super. I received feedback and I demonstrated some of the best strengths and competencies. The task I failed on was the easiest task of them all. The negotiating task. It was just a 10 minute excercise. I ended up missing the point and digressing. Blame the lack of sleep.

I thought, what's going to top is company? I mean seriously? It was the one company I was going to make, regardless. I know my competencies and strengths.

Yesterday I received a phone call from another company. I was told I couldn't have handled the interview any better. I was made a job offer for an up and coming firm within the UK. The irony? I prepared for the interview on the day. It was at 4pm and I woke up at 11am to start preparing. Granted, I was beyond confident but I usually always put in a few days into things like these. The package works out sweeter than the other company. With them I would have to made the sacrifice of commuting for 2 hours each way. New Job? 3 minutes. I kid you not. Door to door by car. Actually thinking about it? I did make dua. And I asked Allah to help me "For whatever is in the best interest for me in my deen and my future." The commuting alone would have stopped me attending my tafsir classes 5 times a week. As I would be arriving home late. Therefore compromising on my other commitments and obligations.

That is the thing about the Lord of Ala'min. None come close to his wisdom and majesty. He is the all the knowing. And the most gracious. He is kind to his believers.

I had confidence in him from the beginning.

I start at the end of this month. I'm excited. Seem like a great bunch of guys to be working with.

In other news. 2 prospects are next on the list. They really do seem extraordinary. On paper anyways. Lets see how that works out.

Lets make a collective dua. A dua for each other. And a dua for all those that are suffering. Be it famine, be it war, be it marriage. It is the weapon of a believer. I have faith and so should you.

Comprende?

P.S. Stay tuned and keep an eye out for my book on "How to become a Millionaire : The Dua edition" ;o)

The Concluding Introduction

2011-09-03T07:20:00.000+01:00

So, why did I share that one aspect of my life with you?

The reason why I had started the introduction was because I had lost focus. I almost forgot the person I had become and the trials that I had faced. I had wrote a further few entries but they've served their purpose. As lessons and reminders. A reminder of the person I have become and who I aspire to be.

Earlier this year, the drama happened, you know the one when you feel like you've lost everything. And rightly so, you might have lost everything.

In that state of desperation to shout no, no and NO. Where you know so many people, you continue looking around with that blank hopeless look - 'help' is all you want. And nobody is around. There also comes that point in your life where you outgrow some of your friends.

Then you look back to see who will always be there for you. They make you smile. Because it's always those that have strong faith and character. Your love exponentially grows for them.

You know you have the right kind of humble and shy qualities of a believer. Then you also know you're super confident with serious levels of self-esteem. However, not enough to show any kind of arrogance or ego.

I call it SWAG. Something We Asians Got. (I joke!) More importantly we must become better people and in return better Muslims.

I'm making things happen. By Allah, I'm trying.

The wife part is essential in things falling into place. I'm starting to find this process tedious. I've been at it for way too long. I'm actually sick and tired of it. It consumes alot and it's a draining process. When is it going to end? Allahu allam.

The quest bladdy continues..

Eid Mubarak

2011-08-30T21:19:00.000+01:00

Eid Mubarak. I hope you all have a blessed day and don't eat too much! ;o)

Taqaballahu Minna Wa Minkum (May Allah accept it from you and us).

I hope you all made the most of your last ten days. It was another epic ramadhan for me. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah make you all and your families amongst those whom have been granted forgiveness, mercy and protection from the fire of Jahannam (hell). Ameen.

Catch Y'all In A Few Days

2011-08-25T16:08:00.002+01:00

I made intention to do itikaaf this year but I had a job interview 2 days ago.

So insha'Allah tonight, I'm sitting a 5 day nafl itikaaf. I have to get 26 juz done in 5 days. I am the worlds slowest reader, so it should be interesting. I'll catch y'all on Eid!!

I got some feedback regarding the interview. I couldn't have done any better, so insha'Allah I hope this is the one!

In true quest style, I've just been informed about another 3 prospects. Time to get cracking after Eid I guess!

When I return, expect a lot of updates. I treated myself to a lovely shiny tablet paired up with a Bluetooth keyboard for eid. I've typed all of todays entries on it. Okay enough with the showing off hah.

Guys, please make the most of these remaining days of Ramadhan. Epics proportions of rewards, forgiveness and mercy to be had.

Don't delay, take up on this amazing offer today!

Looking From The Outside

2011-08-25T15:44:00.002+01:00

There's something ugly and/or beautiful when you step outside of your body.

Try it. Think of a place or a memory that you hold dear to yourself. Let that be your surrounding. For me, it's a really busy place - A landmark in the Arab lands. Then get rid of everyone around you. It's just you.

That feels really weird. Now step outside of your body. And have a hard, close look at yourself.

Okay enough with checking yourself out physically and saying Masha'Allah.

Look at the person presented in front of you. His qualities. His attributes. His faith. His relationships. His achievements. His skills. His character. And the defects in his character.

It's an on going list. There's one too many things to take a look at.

I've done that. And I continue to do it.

I'm quick off the mark to focus on my slip ups, my mistakes and how to rectify them to ultimately become a better person. A better Muslim. Insha'Allah.

I want to bring this back to my recent quest experience.

My biggest mistake was one of my earlier mistakes. Aisha. I wasted too much for too long. It was a bad experience. But it taught me dearly.

I took breaks in between my quests to refine me, my thoughts and my wants.

I've come a long way.

Lets talk statistics.

Aisha fiasco - 10 months. A heartache. A waste of time.

The prospect earlier this year. Very close to marrying her. 4 months. No pain. Just learnt more about me and what I need to work on.

The sister I've just been talking to - Just over 3 weeks. It would have been a lot sooner but there's always the finer details you have to deal with. In short, I managed to get results in 1.5 weeks. Made far more progress than any suitor I've spoken to.

All suitors have something in common to say. They have never met anyone quite like me. The way I conduct myself and this process? Nothing but respect and praise.

Alhamdulillah. This journey has matured me. I've always been ahead of my peer groups but this was one area I needed work on.

And my teacher asked me if I had any feelings for this prospect. I shaked my head. I've learnt to detach any kind of attachments or feelings. I can think much more clearly. I walk away pain-free. It's a good deal.

This is how it should be. Once I find her. Those feelings will be for her and her alone.

I'm doing something right. Super right.

I'm proud of how far I've come. This is how it should have always been.

Istikhara: The Final Take And Conclusion

2011-08-25T14:56:00.005+01:00

I can't believe how quick ramadhan has come and gone. Subhaanallah. It feels like it just begun.

Apologies for the late update, I was tied up high on breaking my fast with dates (the halal kind) and I let things pan out.

Night Ten

After night 10, things had started to turn around. Things started becoming easier and more of a reality.

This is what istikhara is all about. When Allah makes things possible and perhaps easier. If it is not meant to be, the situation becomes impossibly difficult. That, right there - That's a sign.

I was skyping with the whole family and even their neighbours. Alhamdulillah, I got an insight from the neighbours, even the kids too.

Advice from the kids? Marry her, she's really nice. Haha.

Istikhara take ten: Complete.

Status: Good feeling.

Conclusion
We continued talking and making good, solid progression. I made a discovery. A discovery that is detrimental to this process at this moment in time. Basically, a deal breaker.

It's through no fault of anyone. It is something that is outside both of our control and remit at this moment in time.

I didn't want to call it quits there. I know how difficult it is to find good girls. So for now we've left things. However, I want to revisit this issue and see if it has changed. As for how long? I don't know is the truth. Perhaps 4-6 months?

So in the mean time because there is no commitment - If any other suitor presents itself I will continue my search. It's unfair for either of us to hang around.

Qadr. We all know about that. Right?

Just an observation. Every prospect I've pursued? They keep getting better. And closer to what I want.

Allah is true to his word. What word? I'll go into that soon enough.

Istikhara Take Eight And Take Nine

2011-08-14T02:07:00.002+01:00

Night Eight

Nothing happened other than that in my brain.

I was just thinking how fickle human beings are. I mean seriously. I was just chillin' and reflecting, like you do.

And I was thinking If I lived in Medina how much would my requirements differ?

The answer none didn't happen. Some of the things that popped up was for example, I didn't mind if she wasn't street smart if I lived in Medina. Because after all my children would never have to deal with the kind of things I did. Nor would they have that level of freedom and struggles that we face in the Western world. It takes both a mother and a father to suceed in this society. So on that premise, I guess the requirements do change a little.

It's just one of the many discussions that take place up there. I consulted the right hemisphere and it was a stimulating discussion.

Istikhara take eight: Complete.

Status: Unsure.

*****

Night Nine

Masha'Allah. The more I chill with my sister. The more I respect her. We're so alike. Strong minded. With invincible levels of determination. I'm glad she's by my side. This is the first time I've consulted her on such a scale. I am glad. May Allah bless her. And Allah make her amongst those women whom he loves. She's special. And she is wise.

We had a group conversation today. She even taught me a few things. We're starting to gain more of an insight. Alhamdulillah. More sessions like these and I shall come to know if this is the best for me.

Bi'ithnilla.

Istikhara take Nine: Complete.

Status: Confident. The foundations have been set. Clarity will come. The outcome? Allah knows best.

Istikhara Take Six And Take Seven

2011-08-12T02:21:00.002+01:00

Been really busy, so dropping the two entries together.

Night Six

This was a BIG development. Things went pretty bad. I generally give people naseeha on why making your own decisions are important. Ultimately you're responsible for the decision(s) you make and that's something you have to live with and take into consideration. You can't blame other people for your decision. And this is why some relationships turn sour. The blame game. Ooo-errr.

The power of influence. An Alima give her opinion on the matter. Her family took it as gospel. Their arrangements didn't work for me. I can't make the biggest decision in my life by just saying tawwakul Allah (pacing your trust in Allah). Masha'Allah, great if you can. But I believe in tying your camel first. You have to be naive to assume two people with deen will make things magically work. Maybe in Bollywood. Sure.

Oh wait, Lollywood? Muslims, halal, get it? Ha!

I had my Tafsir class. On my way out, I wasn't content with what went down. I just needed assurance I wasn't losing my mind. I spoke to my teacher. A mufti. He's a badass to put it bluntly. Awesome and straight up he is. He gave me the peace of mind I needed from a well learned person. "SoulSeek, speak to the girl and explain things again."

And so I did. She then spoke to my teacher. He gave her some straight up advice. "I deal with a lot of marriage cases. The divorce is terrible amongst our Muslims and I think a lot of young people make irresponsible decisions." I don't claim to be a person of knowledge but I know one thing. The sunnah of the prophet is clear. We don't need 'interpretations' on most issues.

There may be a big battle ahead. Who knows?

I have a way of putting things. So she says. I think she's delusional. I'm clearly a nut job. And I've made it clear that I may turn senile before 30. Whoever is going to marry me. Good luck!

It brings me back to my original question. Do I want a trainee?

Istikhara take six: Complete.

Status: Unsure.

***

Night Seven

Do I want a trainee? The truth is when you want to be with somebody, it doesn't matter where they are in life. Even if they have to learn how to walk. A building could be on fire. And the only thing on your mind will be on how to make it to the other side. That's conviction right there.

Solid progress today. Making the kind of progress I've been wanting to make from the start. Alhamdulillah. My terms are coming into play. My terms? They made sense and it's in compliance with the Shariah. She's now starting to make sense of what I initially laid down. High 5 anyone?

I just need more fruitful sessions like these to detail if she's the one.

Insha'Allah.

Istikhara take Seven: Complete.

Status: Unsure. However, I do see light.

Istikhara Take Five

2011-08-10T00:24:00.001+01:00

Night Five
Not a great deal to report today. I'm getting the trickle treatment in regards to information. It will come in due course insha'Allah.

As a result, a more clearer picture will begin to form, I hope.

Istikhara take five: Complete.

Status: In the middle of nowhere. Need to see how the next few days pan out.

Sound Marriage Advice From Wednesday

2011-08-09T04:13:00.002+01:00

Excellent!!

Istikhara Take Four

2011-08-09T02:23:00.001+01:00

I think I'm coming down with something. My food and water intake has come down by about 50%. That's a lot.

Standing under the fan for 1.5 hours in taraweeh yesterday wasn't a great idea.

Night Four
She dropped me a line today. Saying I made her feel inadequate. I'm a great guy but I should give her a chance.

I was quick off the mark to apologise. Regardless of my actions if someone feels like that, I apologise. Thinking about it. She tripped up. I was okay about it. But I did follow up a day later asking for a clarification, as things didn't make sense. Perfectly valid and rightly entitled to do so. I get the feeling she's feeling inadequate because she said she's ruining her chance. She feels inexperienced.

The advisor (sis) thinks she's a lovely girl but is lacking. She tried helping me to list what she brings to this marriage, we did pretty bad. She's nice and sincere whilst all that is lovely there may be a problem. A marriage is about two people bringing stuff to a party. My suitor herself also believes I'm bringing a whole lot to the table and is questioning why somebody like me would be interested in a girl like her. I don't like this lack of confidence.

I will continue to make excuses and focus on the good things. I believe everybody has something to bring to the party. I just need to find out what presents she has lined up.

All that said. I am starting to feel a little unsure if anything.

Istikhara take four: Complete.

Status: Unsure. Need to see how the next few days pan out.

Istikhara Take Three

2011-08-08T02:01:00.004+01:00

My sister and my nephew have gone home. A.K.A my sidekicks. I've got a tight bond with my sister. Boy can this girl fight. She's feisty. Whenever we get into an argument we just stop. Our personalities are strong. And boy does everyone know it. When we bang heads we know where it's going. Jokes always pursue. I love this girl, she's one sibling I know I'm going to be tight with for the rest of my life.

She's talked to my suitor and she approves of her. She realises the same things I do. One thing I love about my sister is that she's not afraid to upset me nor is she afraid in saying anything to me. Girl speaks the raw truth.

I've appointed her as my advisor.

Word yo!

Night Three
I woke up with some kind of negativity today. Logically, I tried to make sense of it.

I got to briefly speak with the prospect today to address what happened yesterday. I gave her a chance to explain herself. She feels like she's unable to articulate herself well enough. This incident put me off and I told her that and for what reasons. She apologised and explained further. Only got to speak for minutes.

I was listening to lecture a earlier by Noumaan Ali Khan. He said something profound. "Don't try to rationalise when women are feeling that way." Boooom. A woman doesn't needed to be reminded about the way she's been created. I need to consider that. Pair it up with how she does and deals with things.

She's a tad bit on the softer side. I like it. But I don't like it.

I've made some adjustments on how we're going to proceed. She's game and understands. I asked her to take couple of days out. Spend time with friends and family. It takes the pressure off her. Chilling is the best of environments to make things work. You'll see.

Istikhara take three: Complete.

Status: Undecided but progress is being made.

African Drought Crisis

2011-08-07T20:23:00.005+01:00

I don't have to inform you all of what's going down at the moment.

In case you don't know, here's Aljazeera's Spotlight on the Horn of Africa's drought: http://aje.me/p9cKte

Here are my thoughts. Had Allah (swt) willed he can alleviate these people of their difficulties. But the truth is it's our test. All those mothers, father, brothers, sisters, children and baby. They will go to Jannah insha'Allah. The real test is how much we're going to do. How much of our rizq we're going to part with.

For those who have doubts with where their money is going. Remember Allah (swt) will reward you for your intentions. Stop looking for excuses.

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah, who said that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: Allah (swt) will say on the Day of Resurrection:

"O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me." [Related by Muslim]

Remember this is our test. It's ramadan and this is a month of giving, mercy and blessing. The ultimate goal is Taqwa. We know the reward of giving someone water and a date to break their fast. Lets do our part today.

http://www.islamic-relief.org.uk

More importantly. Don't forget the Ummah in your dua's.

Istikhara Take Two

2011-08-07T03:57:00.002+01:00

Before I spoke to my hero. I had a gut feeling like I've never felt before. One of peace. Everything just felt so right.

Masha'Allah he gave me a real eye opener. He said "I love you for the sake of Allah, I'm only saying this just in case you haven't thought about it."

The truth is, this time round I thought had it all sussed out. Top notch. My process very thorough. Fairly methodical. But he trumped me again. He worded things the way he does. It made me think all over again.

Night Two
Made a big breakthrough today. Something happened. It doesn't seem great but Allah knows best and only time will tell.

One of my good friends gave me a call earlier, he was in the neighbourhood. So I invited him and his wife round to break iftar with us. I attended their wedding just over a month ago. His advice was good.

Whilst dropping them off. Just seen the rapport between them two? Masha'Allah! His wife is hilarious. I was always worried this brother would never meet his match. Clearly he has from seeing them in action and listening to their advice.

After Taraweeh, I met up with another friend. Stayed around his until 3am and I just arrived home for sehri and fajr.

I've had a lot of food for thought.

I'll let it marinate for tonight and see what tomorrow brings me.

Istikhara take two: Complete.

Status: Undecided and thinking.

Istikhara Take One

2011-08-06T03:06:00.003+01:00

You guys know the drill.

10 Nights. 10 Entries. With the help of Allah's Counsel, I will be persuaded towards a decision and things may continue to go well or they may well come to a halt.

I'm writing this at 2:15am. I'm tired! So if things don't make sense... make sense of it because I'll most likely be writing at stupid o' clock :) Taraweeh finishes after midnight and I usually stay up til Sehri to fast and pray fajr.

I've started istikhara much earlier than I anticipated but I've done so for good reason. I was sure. Given some food for thought and I became unsure.

It's time to speak to my lord again.

Take One
I've made a commitment to speak to her for a couple of hours everyday since last week. We also speak on loud speaker in presence of her parents and/or siblings. Strictly halal as usual.

I've got a good feel for the kind of girl she is. Masha'Allah! Sincerity to the brim. That's her unique selling point. Winner right? I thought so too.

I met up with my hero after taraweeh for a quick 20 minute chat. The last time we spoke was about 6 months ago since the last prospect. He's my hero for a reason. Allah has blessed him with a brain that I will continue to compete with.

I told him things were going well. I told him my concerns and he addressed them.

He has a point.

This is girl seems like an opposite to the last one. His concern was me. What do I want? The balance of both I guess.

Do I want a wife that's ready for marriage? Or do I want a wife that's in her infancy in life and people skills?

She's 3 years younger than me. Which makes her pretty young. I need to explore and look into other traits.

First time moving away from home. Being a wife. Putting up with difficult surroundings. Having to study at University. What if she falls pregnant early in the marriage? Whilst her body is going through hormonal changes, would she able to cope with so much change?

Its given me a lot to think about. Time to start breaking things down in my head.

Istikhara take one: Complete.

Status: Undecided.

Ramadan Mubarak

2011-08-06T03:04:00.002+01:00

Look.

I'm ethnic. So of course I'm going to be late about stuff like this!

Do I need to say anything about how glorious this month is? Do I really?

Ok just let me say a little..

It is narrated that Muhammed (saw) addressed his companions saying:

"Oh people! A great month has come over you; a blessed month; a month in which is a night better than a thousand months; a month in which Allah has made it compulsory upon you to fast by day, and voluntary to pray by night. Whoever draws nearer (to Allah) by performing any of the (optional) good deeds in (this month) shall receive the same reward as performing an obligatory deed at any other time, and whoever discharges an obligatory deed in (this month) shall receive the reward of performing seventy obligations at any other time. It is the month of patience, and the reward of patience is Heaven. It is the month of charity, and a month in which a believer's sustenance is increased. Whoever gives food to a fasting person to break his fast, shall have his sins forgiven, and he will be saved from the Fire of Hell, and he shall have the same reward as the fasting person, without his reward being diminished at all." [Narrated by Ibn Khuzaymah]

Hold on, hold on!

A night better than a thousand nights!? Some of us may not even live for that many nights! Our sustenance’s are increased, optional deeds are of the same reward as obligatory deeds, all our sins are forgiven, and the reward of obligatory deeds is like performing 70 obligations at any other time. A bargain not to be missed!

Can you feel the prophet’s excitement as he tells his companions about it?

A month of reward.
A month of mercy.
A month of bounty.
A month of forgiveness.
A month of being freed from hell fire.
A month of attaining honour.

That's ghetto!

Ramadan Mubarak!!

You Plan. And Allah Plans. Doesn't Take Much To Figure Who's Better?

2011-08-01T01:53:00.004+01:00

I had the interview that I last posted about. It was interesting. The interview itself went fairly well. He asked a lot of questions. He then asked me "have you any questions?"

My last question was "have you any doubts whether I'm suitable for this position?" he changed his posture and smiled. "I have a few reservations" he said, and he elaborated.

I heard from them a couple of a days ago. "I have some good news and bad news." "Okay, hit me up" I said.

A lot was said. In a nutshell he said "He doesn't think you're suitable for this position. He thinks you wouldn't be happy and believes you're far more talented. He also said in a serious manner, you have potential to become a politician." At this point I started to laugh "He was dead serious when he said that. So basically, he wants to try and get you in into a project management consultant role. Even though you're 22, he sees so much potential in you." I was taken back and I agreed to another interview.

The very next day I heard back from one of my favourite companies of all time. I passed their test and I got through to the second stage. My dream place to work, ever since I was a kid. I was invited for a 10 hour assessment day. Don't get me started!

This is when the week had started. I had plotted a 540 mile road trip for this journey.

I left on Saturday and I drove 150 miles down to Geetar Hiro's place. We had one hell of a time (as usual) with the boys. I stayed until Fajr of Tuesday. I was busy preparing like mad for the interview. I only slept 50 minutes, if that. I left early hours and drove about 80 miles to my interview. I arrived 1hr 35mins early. Note to self: Don't take advice from GH again.

The assessment day was rock solid. A team of 8 interviewers throughout the whole day, and every one of them would get an opportunity to assess me. It started with a presentation. Interview. 3 individual assignments. 3 group assignments. One negotiation task. And an exam that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

The buffet was the highlight of the day. I was absolutely starving and I'm not shy when it comes to food. Mmmhmm (it's time for sehri in an hour, I'm getting hungry!) At end of the day I felt confident and proud. Proud because I gave it my best.

From the assessment centre, I drove another 80 miles to one of my best friends house to stay for the night as the journey back home was too far. I want you to hold and remember this part of the journey, I will come back to this real soon.

Now I heard back from both companies two days ago. The project management position was filled sooner than they expected by someone far more experienced. And I didn't get the second one. I didn't feel upset. I genuinely know I tried my best. I tied my camel real hard. Infact, I tied that dude so hard, I can get done for cruelty!

This journey in finding rizq (provision) was an excuse.

Bear with me whilst I digress. 16 months on since Aisha. That's how long it took for Allah to show me why. I get it now. Like totally. Just like the others now. I have that feeling of peace and serenity of why she wasn't for me. I make this super duper dua whenever I look into a suitor. One of the things I ask for from Allah is that "If she's best the for me in all my affairs in both this dunya and the akhira." And he responds. Now, I'm not worthy enough of his attention but he's answered my duas. I can only continue to sit in humility.

I thought it would be more difficult. I thought maybe... in everything that I do, I'm wrong. I thought. And I thought. My last of thoughts was that now isn't my time.

I thought wrong.

Wrong because I think... I think I may have found her.

Interview Time

2011-07-18T20:04:00.004+01:00

I had an exam for a new job and it was more difficult than any exam at Uni :\ Alhamdulillah, I did well.

I have my second interview tomorrow with the company director and his Human Resources (HR) minion. It's going to be a tough one.

Headquarters at SoulSeeks. Prep is at full force!

Duas would be much appreciated homies!

Peace.

Introducing Zina

2011-07-18T01:46:00.006+01:00

Part 3

Accommodation was a struggle. I spent two months look for an apartment/house with Muslims. That didn't work out, it wasn't a great surprise, the Muslim community was dead. The best compromise I managed to find was a quiet place with a shared communal bathroom and kitchen with non-Muslims.

Whenever there were planned parties and barbecues, I would prepare in advance to avoid these. Away for the weekend with the brothers or going home. It worked in keeping me away from the sinful stuff. With prior notice arrangements would always be made. However, there would be those situations that you just cannot prepare for. And this was one of them situations.

A regular Jummah. Casual dress at work, half a day. That Friday feeling of attending Jummah straight after work and hanging with a few boys. Hitting the gym, showering and then cooking a fresh meal from the ground up. Eating and then doing the dishes.

Night time approached and I was getting ready to kick back for the night.

It was usually quiet around that time as the flat mates were always out on a Friday night. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and finish cleaning up. En route to the kitchen, that over powering smell hit me of sweet, sweet perfume. I did not expect the source of that smell to be present. Women.

Enter fitna. Making small talk with the guys whilst putting away a few things and she just came up and introduced herself. One of my flatmates exclaimed "Yo soulseek lets go out tonight, you never come out with us" I resorted to excuse #47 in the western muslim excuse book and I found a cue to excuse myself.

I got back to my room and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was. She was my kryptonite. And it hurt me hard. In on a Friday night, always coming up with the same old excuses. Feeling crap whilst they're all going out to have a laugh. Sucks. Really does. Tough - It's the life of a believer, I thought.

Still struck by this girl's beauty, the penny dropped "It's time to start looking into marriage."

I was waiting for them to leave so I could get my laundry.

It was just then I saw my door open. And there she was. My desire. My fitna. Beautiful from top to bottom. With that gleaming smile. And she was in MY bedroom. Nothing came out of my mouth. In complete awe.

"Hey, get dressed! You're coming out with me" she said. Lame book reflex #96 kicked in "Sorry, I have to be up early tomorrow" she looked at me with those bright blue eyes "On a Saturday?" I have a great poker face but my lying skills? They're awful. I didn't convince her.

"Wow, I love your room!" she exclaimed, walking around and touching things. She sat on my bed. Close proximity.

Enter dopamine. The neurotransmitter responsible for attraction. Attraction isn't a choice, I couldn't help notice the details.

Playing with her hair.
The eye contact of those deep blue eyes.
That smile.
Her body orientated towards me.
The (lack of) clothes.
Her drawing in closer to me.

I couldn't understand what had happened. Its like I had forgotten everything. My mind went completely blank. I had been in a lot of situations but the proximity of this one. I was stuck.

Intoxicating levels of testosterone paired up with dopamine. Agitated feelings. I could not control my feelings. The one way flirting she doing was like an addictive drug. She liked me. She was the fix to whatever drug I was deprived of.

Somewhere in that blank mind of mine, a few brain cells merged together and they started transmitting a signal. A signal of guilt. I started to analyse damage control and calculations of risk assessment. The conversation in my head that would decide the outcome. "Dude, have you seen how fiiiiine this girl is?" "Come on this will only be your first 'mistake' you're as clean as they come." "You don't have to go the whole hog, just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing will happen. You're strong like that."

Too much was happening in my head. "I'll be back, going to the kitchen" I said.

I had entered the matrix. It seems in those couple of minutes, I'm convinced that I slowed down time. I broke things down and continued with the risk assessment. One thing was for sure, I could not control the chemicals in my body. These urges were making me think of the unthinkable.

I've always had this philosophy of all or nothing. Shaytaan came in as the voice of reason "Just go out, you don't have to do anything. Zina's far fetched thing man, you can control yourself." Come on, man up! I thought.

I made my way back to the room.

I sat in my chair, she moved closer. "We're gonna set off, lets go" I got up with her and I walked her to my door.

"Sorry, I won't be coming."

She looked at me. "You sure? We could have so much fun!"

I declined and I closed the door after her.

I put my forehead against the door in defeat and all I could repeat was "You idiot."
I locked the door. "You're going to regret that for the rest of your life." I thought. I dropped the dead lock and I turned my back against the door.

Stood there just frustrated and angry. I had never felt like this.

Unable to move for a while. I helplessly climbed on my bed and momentarily crouched in that ever so vulnerable position. The one I believe babies are born in the womb of their mothers. Utterly useless and helpless. Then staring at the ceiling for hours.

Shaytaan was having so much fun. "Pathetic loser. Here's your reward for being good. No one's watching and no one cares. This is why you're alone."

I didn't sleep the whole night. I remember just lying there questioning everything. Angry, confused and awfully frustrated. It was 4am and they strolled in. Pissed out of their heads. Giggling, laughing, girls screaming and the sound of stilettos.

It was exactly at this point, I understood what my struggle would become. I truly understood the concept of whatever leads to haraam, is haraam in itself. It made much more sense after this experience and in application. When your tempted by your desires, those strong desires. There does come that point of no return. Zina. I don't know how but I did it. And I've remained to stay completely chaste.

I know the sacrifices I've made. And why I've made them. More importantly, the fruits and love that will blossom when I get married.

I guess there's always time for an XBOX 360 achievement ;) Here was mine.

Will Powaaa!!

The truth is, Zina has always been fighting away at full force. I've remained to stay untouched. Taking all kinds of precautions. But the truth is I'm not waiting around for it to sting me.

And this is why I've reopened The Quest.

Announcing Sins - Comment From A Reader

2011-06-15T13:06:00.010+01:00

In my last entry a reader writes..

"Assalamualaikum bro

May Allah grant you goodness in this life and the next...

bro i dont know...maybe you are writing this to help others take heed ...since Islam is about naseeha/sincere advice, i wanted to say that it's better to keep your sins to yourself and turn in repentance to Allah.. i dont know maybe im wrong but this is what came to my mind when i read some of your entries especially this one
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: All the people of my Ummah would get pardon for their sins except those who publicise them. And (it means) that a servant should do a deed during the night and tell the people in the morning that he has done so and so, whereas Allah has concealed it. And he does a deed during the day and when it is night he tells the people, whereas Allah has concealed it. Zuhair has used the word hijar for publicising.
Sahih Muslim"

Walaikum Salaam Warahmatullah,

I'm glad somebody raised this. Glad because we still have people here that are willing to speak for the good. Glad because our thoughts and actions are reflections of one another. Before I begin, May Allah reward the brother with his good intentions. As that's what they are.

However, there's a small problem.

"i wanted to say that it's better to keep your sins to yourself"

I haven't in this post nor any other talked about my sins nor have I glorified them in any way.

"i dont know maybe im wrong but this is what came to my mind when i read some of your entries especially this one"

I would be interested to hear 'what these other entries' are. As always, I'm always open minded to discussion and debate. Especially Naseeha anybody has to share.

Here's my irk. As a more generalised point. We have a become a nation of people that point fingers. And we lack the core qualities of Muslims in this process. A reminder to myself. We point without confirming evidence. More importantly we point without listening.

Without listening?! Who needs to listen? That's stuff normal people do. We need to get our point in first.

I didn't finish my entry off. To call what I've done a sin, lets be careful when we say things like this. I haven't finished off what happened. To make that assumption based upon key words such as sex, women, tight dress and curvy is just nonsense. These words are not a sin. The context is not a sin.

Here's the crack. As Muslims we pretend like these things don't happen. Maybe in some people's world, it doesn't. I hate to break it to you, but this is real. And so is the context. Perhaps the next part might bring some more light.

A super important reminder for us all to keep brotherhood and relationships intact as believers:

Hamdun al-Qassar said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman, 7.522]

We struggle to make one excuse. +69 more please?

“A believer is a mirror of the believer.” [Abu Dawud]

What you see in someone is reflection of what is within yourself. Super important. Especially in a marriage. A spouse reflects the qualities of their other half. If there's something wrong, look at yourself.

“None of you believes until they wish for others as they wish for themselves.” [Tirmidhi]

And not forgetting directly from the all wise, the all knowing himself:

“Believers! Leave much doubt, for most doubt is sinful.” [Qur'an, 49.12]

Why? Because we all have assumptions based on people. Even on those people that we may not even know. We may sometimes either:

Look for mistakes.
By default, assume they are sound and free of error.

Both dangerous.

If we are looking to find something wrong, we can win this game all day long. Why? Humans are by definition imperfect. Fallible and prone to making many mistakes.

By doing the opposite -In assuming they're perfect, we're opening ourselves up for doubt. We'll be sure to find something that leaves room for doubts. Allah has commanded us above to leave doubts.

Take the middle path and remember that success alone, is from Allah.

I want to finish off with a reminder for ourselves from Surat At-Tur. In the earlier ayahs Allah (swt) talks about the proofs of qiyamah, describing the day. He continues by giving glad tidings to the believers and he talks of the rewards the believers will have in Jannah. The place of all things happy and full of smiles.

From V23 to V27 here's the low down.

All the dwellers will be handed cups of pure white wine. Cheers everyone! However, it will be very different from what we know. This won't be branded nor will it be made by yukky human beings. This will be from creation of Allah. It won't contain any intoxicants nor will it make the dwellers tipsy, drunk or hungover. This will be a drink of pure pleasure. Yum! There will be servants, lots of them. These guys will be clean in appearance and beautiful like untouched pearls. Perfection.

The believers are going to gather and speak to each other. "Yo, remember the time we did [...] on the dunya" and they will continue talking about those things they did in the life of this world, and within our families. Then they will say that they were afraid of Allah and fearful of his punishment whilst they were here.

فَمَنَّ اللَّهُ عَلَيْنَا وَوَقَـنَا عَذَابَ السَّمُومِ

"So Allah has been gracious to us, and has saved us from the torment of the Fire."

He did us a favour. A favour from his compassion and his mercy. He saved us from what we feared.

Happy place, is it not? Ah, I can't stop smiling. It makes me smile because that should be our goal insha'Allah but if we want in, we need to start reflecting. Change starts here. Change starts today. And change starts now. Time for us all to start looking within.

Truly, Allah knows best.

Peace.

Introducing New Tests And Rewards

2011-06-12T22:58:00.011+01:00

Part 2

I needed that awakening, that reminder of making peace with imperfection.

The need of dependency, perfection and the desire for inner tranquillity. Right there? That's a conflict. In my mind, I always expected things to happen in a certain way and somewhere along the line... I expected it to be better than it should; by definition, it was a losing battle. Earlier, I discovered that when you rely on people, you set yourself out to be disappointed. I made peace with this idea. I also made peace with the idea that some people have it worse. I started to appreciate all those things we all take for granted. A sense of gratitude started flooding in. I was grateful for having the gift of life. The ability to think independently. A 20/20 vision. All my limbs intact. And that invincible determination to succeed.

It was time to play. I was feeling all game.

I started checking out different organisations. There were a number of new companies. One caught my eye. "The best premium car manufacturer in the world." Those words struck a melodic chord. I wanted in, at all costs. It seemed every other male in UK wanted it too. But I wanted it more than all of them. This was my ticket out of everything.

There's that point in Uni life where every brown person makes good friends with a white person, at some point of their course. Then there may come a time where like every other friend... they step out of line.

[Cue a lame discussion..] - "SoulSeek, I didn't apply there. Like you've got a chance?" The words wasn't the issue. It was the condescending tone. No one has ever spoken to me like that. It was insulting. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more. It stung.

I let it slide, just like that. Why? Afterall, he became the person that gave me the push I needed.

I wasn't wrong when I thought the competition would be somewhat ridiculous. Everyone was getting rejected. Left, right and centre. Their rejection emails notified them that over 1400 people had applied for the position. My confidence quivered but I kept faith. So what if it doesn't work out? I felt confident that my skillset and people skills would be competative. But I needed to be more. I had to somehow put that in my application form. I put in some serious hours and effort. I completed my application form. I needed to seal the deal.

I made a promise to Allah. A promise that later defined our relationship. One of trust and love.

I waited patiently and I continued dealing with my other issues. I didn't get back anything from the company. It had been a while, so I took it as a rejection. I was then invited for an interview at another company in Cambridge. It was just me and another student. It was one of the highest paid placements in the University, arguably in the country. The preparation had put my competition game up, a wise investment. I accepted the interview.

New year came. It was stupid o'clock in the and I received an email about 2am.

"SoulSeek, accept my apologies for not getting back to you. The competition has been fierce for this one position. There's been over 1400 candidates who applied. Are you still interested in this position?"

When I read this. I had a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was a warm, warm feeling. A feeling of hope. You know when you see something and even before knowing more about it, you make that decision in pouring every ounce of effort into it. This was it, this was the one. The one that I would give my all. After exchanging a few emails we arranged a telephone interview. I had 2 days to prepare. In front of a panel of 3.

Prep wasn't going well. My confidence was about as convincing as a boy breaking his voice during puberty. Doubts kept flooding in. Like what are the chances of a muslim getting in or a street boy?

I locked myself up in my room for the 2 days. I prepared intensively. More than any exam I've prepared for.

Came interview day. It was more serious than I had imagined. The 3 interviewees meant serious business. First was an expat from a European country who was in charge of the department for the whole of UK for 3 big car brands. Second, a logistical technology manager. Third, the guy who I would be worker under - A pro in my field. Crap, my chances of blagging would have no place. I was interrogated and I was interrogated hard from all three of them. They picked my CV apart. I talked about some of developments. I was honest and I was transparent. Answers just kept confidently flowing.

It was finally over. And I was put on hold.

"Hello.... SoulSeek?" the third guy said. "Yes?" I answered. "We like you. We would like to spend the day with you. To see if the company is for you and whether you're for us. How does that sound?"

I felt a silent breeze. "Are you [..] Are you offering me the job?" I asked. "Pretty much, we just need to sort out the budgeting and get you on the systems and see your capabilities in action. From our discussion, I think you can do it." Lights started flashing in front of my eyes, and before I knew it: *this* kicked off in my head.

I went to the interview. 150 miles away from home. I remember that feeling, when I arrived at the plant. It was humongously ginormous! 5,000 associates. Cars being made by funky robots. I felt like a kid. I now knew what the children felt like when they won the golden ticket to Willy Wonkas' factory. It was everything I had hoped for it to be. I aced the challenges put in front of me. And strangely enough, it seemed that my ability to speak German paid off.

I got the call. And the job was mine. The trump card was mine. Oh, It was all so worth it.

Meanwhile at uni, things were turning around. I remember the bounce slowly starting to come back into my step. Scraping passes became a thing of the past. On one of the largest final projects, I received 95%. "You bloody deserve this and congrats on the job. Do yourself proud." said the module leader

That's exactly what I did.

Moving away. For the first time in 19 years of my life. Seriously fun times were ahead. My car took us through some crazy adventures. I made up for those years I missed out on. Everything was about to go uphill from here.

Learning how to fend for myself was absolutely essential. You don't really ever know who you are until you have struggled. You have to feel hunger. You have to get on with difficult people. You have to sleep on the floor. You have to cook. You have to clean the toilet for the first time in your life. You have to get on with strangers. You have to run colours in the wash and ruin your favourite tops. You have to mix with people to survive in unthinkable situations - To lose that innocence and naivety. To learn what its like "out there" and you can only achieve that by throwing yourself in uncomfortable places and learning to get by without support.

These difficulties taught me to appreciate small things. My love for my family increased. My dislikes decreased. I was becoming an all round better person.It was lovely to be around people who loved me and supported me regardless but it was important for me to know that I could get by without that.

I LOVED Season 1 of Prison Break. Russel Crowe's The Next Three Days was a great movie. Albeit both being somewhat far fetched, they both have something in common. They're both about a guy setting out to do something with conviction and doing it with an unshaken sense of will. Bravo. They do what many great men before our times have done.

In reality, life isn't that much different. We're in control of making our choices. We choose to be great people.

I was becoming more intelligent. My wisdom was increasing. My development was going through that golden era. I started making a lot of decision. Things, I never thought of. It was crazy, scary, wild - I couldn't decide which one took precedence. I decided to test my philosophy of having the ability to do a-n-y-thing I want. Anything. I took on many new challenges. I acquired a number of talents. One of the challenges I set out to accomplish was to take up a sport that I was always intrigued by.

Remember the part when I let my self go? I was fat. I looked hideous. Appearance? Non-existent. Sex rank? A generous 4. Saying it feels horrible.

I boxed for 8 years in my earlier years. It was a giant disappointment. Just looking at myself. How can anyone let their self go so bad? This had to change.

So, I set out to educate myself. I wanted to be good at this sport. I gave it a shot. Left my ego and pride at the door. I started training.

In a year I got rid of 4 stones of fat. Even things like waiting in a que at a groceries store would feel different. When you aimlessly look around the magazine's shelf, see the front cover of a men's training magazine and smile. Smile because you look like that too. Out with the old and in with the new.

The hair changed. Stylish.
New wardrobe. Check.
Dress sense. Class.
Body. Guys looking and commenting, creepy but strangely flattering.
Beard. Masha'Allah.
Appearance. Looking sharp.

Almost everyone would fail to recognise me. As for the sport? I continued. I was getting good. It never crossed my mind that in the future... I could be competing for Britain this year.

My sex appeal was starting to rocket. However, I had no idea that something so good and positive was about to become one of my biggest tests. It be wouldn't long before man's greatest desire would present itself, at force.

Then, it happened. The day Zina walked through my door. Super tight dress. She was dressed to impress. And every single part in my body was physically attracted to her.

That.

That, I could NOT control.

Part 4

Believe In Yourself

2011-06-02T12:11:00.006+01:00

When you're looking through prospects. You could be one of the unfortunate few where nothing is happening. Perhaps through no fault of your own. Confidence and self-esteem will naturally drop.

You will get knocked down. Time and time again. If it isn't in looking for a suitor, it will be in another part of your life.

Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself because only you can pick yourself back up and get right back in there. Persistence and a strong sense of determination are the key ingredients.

Do your part. Then kick back and watch the fireworks kick off. Success is from Allah. And don't you forget that.

Take it from this kid... (for extra lols change 'ride a bike' to 'find a wife')

Hahahaha! Seriously, everything he said right there? Magic! That's how you succeed in life and finding a wife. (I know you liked that line ;o) )

Peace.

P.S. I will finish the introduction. A lot has been happening. I'll be sure to report back when time permits.

The Introduction Continues

2011-05-16T04:09:00.007+01:00

Part 1

Those I loved deeply, the ones that meant so much to me were drowning. I watched these seasons my whole life. But this was the finale.They were taking me down with them on this ride. As I started to drown in the pain and sorrows I stopped fighting against survival.

The problem wasn't the people. Nor was it the drowning. The was problem was when I gave up on surviving. Disappointment became a normal emotion for me. I had catastrophic episodes when I was young. The first incident shattered me. Completely. I had a giant hole in my heart. I never shared this with anyone. I never showed any signs of fear nor did I shed a tear. I didn't give up on life either. I was stubborn. I remained strong.

I was always taught drugs were bad. The stuff that would mess your life up. School painted a picture where all drug users were scum.

That couldn't have been further from the truth. 14, I looked at everyone around me. I knew one thing for sure, they weren't the people they talked of. I would sit there whilst the boys would roll up a spliff. Out of respect they wouldn't smoke in front of me. But they would talk of how they would just do it to have a good time. I would hear of how they would occasionally round up loads of girl and just smoke pot together. And then they would laugh about it at school. You know, harmless fun. Full of jokes and games. The obsession of getting laid. The obsession of getting paid to sell dope. The market was rife for young dealers. It was stuff they aspired to.

Some would smoke weed as a form of escapism. The stuff you hear from other people and programmes aren't as it's made out to be. Like EastEnders, it's all a load of bull.

These were real people with really messed up problems. When you live with stuff like that, I mean who can you turn to? It's all good saying Allah is there for you, that's the approach I would resort to. But when they - Your cousins and close friends question his very existence what can you say or do other than look at them with a blank face? I felt helpless. I felt useless.

That blank face resurfaced. 5 years later.

Here was the mistake I had made for years. I was out to a seek that inner void in my life, that void of fulfilment. I had things that many did not have, and vice versa. I was grateful. However, that void was something I never had.

I was disappointed. I was betrayed. I was let down. My faith in people was destroyed. I was great with people. I always have been. In response the treatment wasn't the same. It was sickening. Spawned from evil itself. I was always taught to deal with things on an eye for an eye basis. However, that idea, the one of truth wouldn't let me do that.

People would do that often, wrong me. I would seek goodness and return empty handed. Let me give you an example. It's like the world today. Where people turn to the western world for intervention to help the muslim world. Not only is it ridiculously stupid. You will only find yourself to be disappointed, time, and time again. I didn't learn this by reading. I didn't see it on TV. I witnessed it first hand, after trying, and trying, and trying.

I would reflect and I would judge my self-worth and try to seek happiness, serenity and fulfilment. I realised that people would never provide me that. My premise was completely wrong. My logic was way off. I always thought dunya consisted of worldly things. So you know, material stuff. I never thought that people themselves are dunya. By definition of temporary. And by definition full of faults, imperfect. I set myself up to be let down. I sought all those things in dunya. I couldn't have been further from the truth. I could only find these things in one place. A place where feelings don't fluctuate. A place where they're unconditional. A place that no room for mistakes. A deity gives life and takes life as he pleases. A deity that provides sustenance to each and every entity in the entire universe A deity that has no reliance or partners ascribed to his majesty.

He is Allah. He is one. He is the master. And the king of all creations.

It was the only answer. I had never committed any major sins. I was what most would consider as a good muslim. My belief was rational and of logical. Blind and emotional faith was never for me. That realisation had just brought me closer. It renewed my faith.

I was drowning. I started to fight. Hysterical to reach the surface. One hand after another. I pulled myself up and I gasped for air. Soaking wet. There was a presence of two. It was just me and him. I raised my hands and I asked him for one thing. And only one thing. The rest? I had it figured out.

In primary school I was told on many occasions that I was gifted. I always had the tendency to laugh at the most inappropriate of times. ME? Gifted? My left big toe. Haha. I was just like the other kids. That's what I would keep saying and believing.

In secondary school I was almost out of school for a whole academic year. It was the beginning of Year 10. The start of GCSEs. I enrolled into a new school 2 months before the summer holidays. I managed to blag staying in the same school year. I crammed 2 years of GCSE's into a year. Again, I would mess around at school.

Sixth form college, similar story. I did the majority of a 2 years course within weeks. Walking out with the best grades in class. My tutor had once sat me down. "SoulSeek I think you're really smart. I get your game. You do no work. Then you do what no one else is capable of in this class. You become serious and you walk away with the highest grades. Usually I'm not surprised but this is 2 years of A-Levels." He smiled. "Everyone's your best friend in the class but you need to stop interrupting with your joking around. You lead the others on but you're not like them at all. You intrigue me. [..] You never give it your all until you have to. Don't pull this stunt in University."

Came University. I pulled that stunt. It was the biggest mistake I had made. In my course we had to learn 9 different interface languages. That's not something you can bluff or play catch up on.

Coming back, when all the difficulties hit. I was finishing semester 1 during second year of University. I was on a sandwich course. A sandwich course is a 4 year degree, where you take out the third year working in the the real world to gain some experience related to your degree. I was up for my placement. Amidst of all this choas, I decided to drop the placement and go straight onto my final year. Everyone around me was applying for theirs. It was disheartening. I was doing terribly bad at Uni. You know that confidence I had? It was exactly as he said. I had started off as the most intelligent in the year, I ended up at the bottom. A dunce. I was barely scraping passes.

The energy. That feeling I talked of? Returned at this point. It was time. I went in full force. I accepted that if I was going to fail, at least I would be content in knowing I failed with a fight. I remember the rush, the rush of fear, the rush of potentially failing was lingering deeply. It was adrenaline.

I decided to give the placement a try.

Full of this positive energy that I had gathered. ~~I wanted to aim high.~~ I wanted to wipe the floor with awesome. So, I strolled in to Uni and I went for the most competitive placement in the country. All the geeks wanted to work there. I applied. I received a response. What did it say? "Unfortunately..." I made a typo on my covering letter.

That feeling of failing so early. I was gutted.

S'all right though. I had built a good relationship with one of my placement supervisors. I went to the placement office. I knocked on my supervisor's door, he asked me to come in. He seemed quiet busy, he was in middle of writing something. Whilst writing he asked me to speak. I told him I was rejected. He stopped writing and he turned around on his chair, he took his glasses off and he looked at me. "Are you okay? You don't look well." A part of me just wanted to break down, I just ~~wanted~~ needed somebody to speak to. Someone who would listen and someone that was caring. Someone, who wasn't muslim. Someone to know that I'm so badly hurt. I'm so hurt that finally after everything I've been through I just want to give up. He ticked all the boxes, he would listen to me and help me. But I was too stubborn. I tried to speak but I couldn't. "I'm okay, just haven't been sleeping much." I said unconvincingly. "You really want this, don't you?" he said. "I do .. [pause] .. I really do" that's all I could say. "I know you do, this is exactly why you won't give up. People like you get far. So go on, get cracking with more applications."

For the record. At that moment in time, the Muslims? They just walked away. Not from me but the service of Allah. My faith in these people was broken. I had to clean up all their crap. A big number. I ended up running the whole Islamic society on my own. No committee. With turnouts of over 300+ people. I will never forget that struggle. I will never forget that fitnah. I will never forget ill intentions of these people. I will never forget being alone. And I will never forget that pain.

Part 3

The Late Introduction

2011-05-08T18:27:00.017+01:00

Lemme formally re-introduce myself. S to tha seek! It's never too late. Hey you. Yes, you! Smile. Now.

Good.

Dang, where do I begin? The start is always a good place, so I'll try to just do that. I spent an hour last night drafting this entry up, my intuition was telling me to turn my phone off but I didn't, got a call and I was on the thing for about 2 hours. After the calls I returned to blogger and I hit 'save now' on this entry and I've only come back to find that I lost all the changes I made (R-r-raage, thanks blogger!)

Bear with me, my writing skills have never been on par with my speaking skills.

We all have a story. My story has managed to remain a closed book. Not because it's a secret. I wasn't molested nor did I do the regrettable. It's captivating, full of adventures and laughs then there are the very serious hardships and struggles. The kind of stuff when you look into a persons eye's you think "poop, there's so much to learn about you." It's what one would describe as a novel worthy tale. That's what it is, a tale. Tales themselves don't hold the substance. But the experiences. ~Reclines back~ The experiences made what I'm about to lay down.

Disappointments. I grew up around them. I found that everyone around me had adopted certain habits, ways of reacting to them. You would come to the conclusion everyone was screwed up. They overreacted, blew things out of proportion and focused on the negative aspects of life. Bothered by the smallest of things. The kind that is easily annoyed and irritated. This only led to frustrations. That ultimately led to one path, a path of being loathsome and full of blame. A path of destruction and one of haraam.

Whinge, whinge and wh.. shut your mouth. Stop blaming everyone if you're the one that's dysfunctional.

It was just one drama after another. Dramas never end. It's an inherent part of being a human. We all have a set of issues. How we deal with them? That's what sets us apart.

The greatest journey of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude. William James.

I kind of got this when I was young. Before puberty.

I was going to do a fresh prince rap but I'll save it for a rainy day haha.

In the ghetto born and raised. Where being fierce, feisty and having street attitude were the tools of survival. Where respect had its place. Where knowing how to fight meant everything. If you were weak, your chances of survival and having friends were small. You had to become a sheep. I never did the sheep. I've never been the sheep. Sheeping sheeps.

We had it. Our click. Was 'it'. Where everyone would want to be my friend. We were so bigheaded with skidmarks on our underwear. Even though we were all muslim. We were all jahil. All of us. Heck, even me.

I always had a lot of friends. The gang leader. The one that came up with all the plans. We were a bunch of cheeky sods. We were always so full of energy. We'd do missions that were that long ting. We didn't quiet cause mischief on the level of kids these days. We did however rinse our childhood, so many laughs. That was at 10. It would somewhat alarming if I didn't progress. Some of the boys are the same as they were when we were 10. Yeah, I'm with you on what you're thinking. Naturally, I've come a long way since then.

Faisal - a year younger than me. At 17 he stabbed someone in cold blood. He's been in prison for the past 4 years.

Shaz - One of my best friends when we were kids. At 12 he was in magistrates for setting a car on fire. Arsonist baby.

Qassim - Prison for grand theft auto. Badmanabadman!

I can write reams of this stuff. But I think you get the jist. I had a shed of friends like these around puberty. Then it changed.

It all started at 11. There was a huge opening in my heart. It's times like these that when we reflect we can begin to look at the blessings that Allah has placed on us. Even then we can't count exactly what he's done for us.

I remember the days so well. High on sugar, I was always super hyper. I rushed home to tell my mum "Amma! I'm going to start praying, it's so important. We have to pray!". She smiled and said exclaimed "bismillah" My sisters was like "whatever" and my brothers were doing their own thang. I did grab the next in line. He's almost 4 years older than me but we had a solid bond. We would roll together. Pray and chill together. Few years down the line, I lost my brother to the dunya.

These key years defined the beginning.

By the time I was approaching 12. The double life had begun. I started to spend a worrying amount of hours with a professor in political science. He was about 4 times my age. He was a practising muslim and he was super intelligent. He used to ask me 'intellectual questions'. Stuff that really made me think. When I was 12, I was secretly reading books on philosophy. Books on intellectual belief and those books that grown men struggle to spell. At 13 I would debate with grown men. By 14, I would read books on capitalism and communism. The need of ideological beliefs. I would also prepare my own khutba's at school because no one prayed jummah. I created the beginning of something quite special.

In my 'other' child life I would hang with the other kids. They'd smoke pot, have sex with plenty of girls, gang wars and stealing cars, pretty much what all the kids are up to these days. I knew I was clean of that crap. I would chill with them because they still made me laugh and were still on that level. But I would leave when the other me had to do his obligations. What I did in my 'other life' was beginning to surface in this life. A part of me that wanted to sweep all these guys off the street. Save them because they meant something to me. I tried and I tried. There was only so much I could do.

On the streets. I still couldn't let anyone on the street give me the awkward eye. However, I was developing all these Islamic qualities. The conflicted had started. I struggled. It was paradoxical. How can you be fierce yet humble? How can you be forgiving yet stern? Think street. If I displayed these qualities to the wrong crowd, I would never survive. Regardless of who my brothers were or who I used to be. I had a lot of energy and I was naturally strong. I had to resort to a sport. And I did so. I spent a part of my life boxing.

Over time, I eventually came to bring the two together. I had the right amount of badboy (read: alpha) in me to carry the swagga through. Without being an asshole. Basically I took the good, manly qualities. And discarded the crap, the stuff that lacked morals and the haraam gunk. I picked up all the trades.

I was always in with the ghetto boys, the geeks, the loners, the boxers, the gym-aholics, the boys on the deen, those struggling, those with unorthodox-asian/muslim hobbies, all kinds of sports, the smart ones. In a nutshell, I get on with everyone. Beard or no beard. White or black. Muslim or not muslim. It's one of the most fundamental premises in building relationships with humans, making friends and helping them on the path so that we may eventually help each other. I later refined this art to extreme levels of awesomeness.

The college years felt slow. Ah, the awkward years. The popularity increased in college. I was doing some of the khutba's but there were imaams to ease that pressure. After all these years I was still completely clean. No girlfriends or even female friends. No secret habits. No part time playa wanna play things and so on. However, I had a huge identity crisis. I found non-muslims to have better traits than muslims. A complete contradiction. The so called 'pious' ones? They were worse! They would back bite without hestitation, secretly check out girls yet they were on form to become the haraam police. They demonstrated what it meant to be a good hypocrite. As for the 'good girls' from my ends? I knew their families inside out. I went to school with these very girls. They were out letting loose, they were on it like chronic. Hijaabi girls smoking dope. Checking out guys, doing the complete Asda haraam package! Dayum. That was some messed up poo!

I tried to walk away from everything. I remember that was the one time I felt the deen really heavy on my heart. The level of hypocrisy within muslims at this time was shocking. The walking away from everything fiasco never worked out. I'm glad, alhamdulillah.

University flew by. It was only natural for me to truly find myself here. And then to become the president of Islamic Society. I didn't quite realise my potential until after this period. I was rinsed of my position, I had to deal with issues no ISOC president had to deal with in the country. You know when all those tests you encountered were small fry in comparison? That period that you remember so vividly because you can confidently say that it was the most difficult part of your life? That time when you can say loud and clear that tonnes of poo had hit the fan? All that happened. All the worst calamities of my life had hit. At once. I've known people to break down after one of the calamities I had encountered. I didn't have one, or two, three or four. Not even ten. I had sheets and sheets of issues. Multiple burdens dropped on me like phosphoric acid. Uni took a back seat. It had done for a while.

I was being tested in ways that I felt were too much. Things went from worse to, errrr.... worse. I wanted to drop uni. No. I had to drop Uni. There was no turning point. It was too late, I couldn't turn things around even if I tried. People I trusted betrayed me. Friends I looked up to, let me down. Family situation was dire. I had to look after families in their absences. The never ending Islamic obligations (or what seemed like 'obligations'). The burdens of others. Running a business. People problems. Health issues. And it went on. I made sacrifices for Allah yet all these terrible things happened. "It was okay though. It's life. Smile?" that's what I would tell myself.

I remember the break down. I fought so hard but I wanted to accept it. I wanted to accept that in 19 years of my life I had to lose this one time. I couldn't do it. Mentally, emotionally or physically. I was going through difficulties I knew no one could compare to. All the people around me, they couldn't help me. Yup, popular SoulSeek couldn't turn to anyone. I had lost. I lost. I frigging lost. I wanted to hear me say that "I was a loser." I tried to accept defeat.

It wasn't a pretty sight, heck I wasn't a pretty sight. My appearance? Non-existent. I had put on so much weight. My beard wasn't as well kept as it once was. I. Just. Didn't. Care.

Weird happened. Weird was just weird! It was at that defining moment. It hit me.

Cry wolf? SHAME ON YOU.

I felt this surge. I felt this energy. I felt this urgency. This strength flowing through my veins. Crap this must feel like cocaine. I was raging with energy. So much positive energy. It started off like a whisper. "You can do and be anything you want." A part of me tried to fight it. Negativity spoke out "I can't just make everything okay. I don't have the strength nor do I have the motivation. Just screw it. I'll find a way out some day." These negative thoughts were being suppressed. They were getting pushed so far back. I didn't know what to do. "I can do it. No. Watch, I'll prove to you I can do it. I will do it not because it's the right thing to do or that I'm on a temporary high but I will frigging do it because this is my chance, and this is my right to happiness." The belief I had in what I was saying? It was Un-bloody tainted. I accepted all the crap that was happening and I came to the terms with "Life is unfair. Deal with it. It's now your choice homeboy. Win or Lose."

This is the part where this tale, turns around. On epic proportions.

Part 2

I'm Ready

2011-05-07T18:00:00.002+01:00

I've been waiting for this moment a while. Remember I said I found what I was looking for? It would be somewhat selfish to keep these thoughts to myself and those around me. It's time to spit it out.

But before I do that. I take priority. It's time to start making decisions on my part. Only I can make these decisions. You, my wonderful people will help me. I'm going to be thinking out super loud. Drop me a joke, drop me a serious comment. They'll be appreciated as always.

I'm now ready to take action.

I've got a lot of crazy crap on my mind. Watch this space. Hmmmmmph!

It's Official

2011-04-30T21:36:00.005+01:00

Pakistani's are the most difficult people in the world. In every single aspect, hands down.

Na, they can't give a straight answer for anything. I swear our forefathers had a special procedure of dropping every child on their head from 5ft 9.3 inches, just to be sure they instilled some kind of crazy in them. We must go through a minimum of 3 hoops, swap our left hand with our right hand. And perhaps do some kind of shirk whilst we're at it. Yup, that's us.

Then there's always the good. Our jokes? No one tops them. I've been trying to decipher how our elders work. I've just accepted they're paks. And that's it. Don't question it. Just excuse it.

Kao peeo teh aish karo! That's how we roll.

That Week

2011-04-30T00:45:00.002+01:00

You know when you sometimes have that week. That week over lets say 15/20 weeks where you really struggle with yourself? In every single aspect. When it all comes crashing down.

And you think. What is the point?

Its happening right now. I like to think I know the remedy. I want to accept it. But I just don't feel like doing jack all.

It's happening again. I have so much to say but I struggle to write. Time.

An Update

2011-04-18T00:48:00.005+01:00

I'm going to try for a 15 min update. Time starts... now!

I've started on quest #3 insha'Allah, it should take a couple of years to manifest. It makes all the time I'm investing beneficial. I pray Allah (swt) makes it easier with sincere intentions.

For quest 1, we had a potential prospect over. The mother, daughter and sister. Awesome, awesome family. Me and the alima's brother are good friends. He said he doesn't know anyone better who he'd give his sister away to. Real brotherhood masha'Allah :) It was more of family friends coming over for dinner as opposed to marriage. However, the mother spoke to me privately. I asked her to seek approval from her daughter before anything happened. She's an alima. Interesting prospect. She's about 2 years younger than me, making her the second youngest prospect of all those I've pursued. Her mother said she's going to take her Syria to study as a part of her Alima studies this summer. I'm going to casually meet her eldest brother for a grilling session in a few weeks.

12 minutes to go..

Work. I'm a contracted consultant. A very small percentage can make this position in their early twenties. My contract is due, so I finish tomorrow maybe? I could pick up more projects but I'm somewhat disorientated. It pays really well. I work whenever I want. I do the hours I want. I enjoy what I do. Dream job right? I'm going to call it a day. There's something more I want. Higher aspirations.

I have to make a decision that will affect quest 1 and 2. Ah man, big decisions. I can't take this stuff lightly. It does change everything.

(At this point, I ended up responding to an email.) So, 3 minutes to go...

Aisha was the only prospect I had strong feelings for. This part of me that really cared for her. She hit some nerve no female has before. Any how, someone told me she was asking about me. She heard I was getting married (????). She's getting married. When I heard this I felt like a slab fell on my chest. It was heavy. But then there was this part of me that was glowing with smiles for her. Finally, things are looking up for her. I always wanted her to succeed. I would always make dua for her. She's special. Just hope this dude is up to scratch.

And it's time! (Well I went a few minutes over, meh who cares)

Calling it a night with a funny video:

And a funny picture:

Peace!

I've Finally Found What I've Been Looking For

2011-04-10T23:38:00.003+01:00

I had an epiphany. It all started at 5:30am at fajr on the 28th of March. I was really tired, went back to bed straight after Salah. Body aching from the heavy training. The soul and body yearning for more rest. The brain had other plans, it went into overdrive. It happened for 4 hours the first time. Then it continued a few days after. Whilst it was happening, I didn't go to work. I didn't read any books and I didn't write any notes. I just lied there and let it happen. A revelation in action. A wealth of information being delivered. One after another.

It made perfect sense. Every single thing. Cut all the rhetoric and drama and all the crap in the air. I see it. I have all the answers I've been looking for.

A new quest has now made its way into my life.

“The man who actually knows just what he wants in life has already gone a long way toward attaining it.” - Napoleon Hill

Originally my quest was to find the one. I then had another personal quest that I wanted to achieve. Now a third quest has made its way. All these quests are independent, they don't clash or rely on each other. They do intertwine and meet at some point. Insha'Allah 1 and 3 make sense together, it's a thing of beauty. I'm working on all of them. What good is all this jibberish without a diagram?!

Everyone's a WINNER!!!

I have a series of tasks to accomplish and even though I can do it simultaneously, the truth is I'm loving bachelorhood. Ladies and Gentlemen. For the first time since this started, I'm thinking of coming off the market. I'm going through this phase at the moment where I just cannot stop reading. I am reading anything and everything. For the first time, I'm starting to feel less rushed. I am in complete control. I've got my desires under locks. And more importantly I'm becoming a man of value. At long last. My predictions fell short of a few years but it's what I've been striving for. My friends would always hold my in a high regard but I try plaster my qualities with modesty. Arrogance is a big dear. My dua every morning is to make the day without an ounce of arrogance entering my heart. Everyday the ritual begins, pure intentions for his sake, mine too. The penny drops.

To my seven successful failures. Thank you. You played well. I know you're all good girls. Of course you are, I picked you. I did see something there. However, you just wasn't the one for me. I do dua you make it some day.

Here's the deal. You remember all those times when things went awkward? Or when poo hit the fan? That was all wonderful. It all played out well. I didn't just walk away thinking "another bites the dust". I thought about it. And I thought about. And I thought about it some more. I took the whole reflection thing to another stage. It was never just about marriage. For 3 years, it was about the journey. I developed myself leaps and bounds ahead of my peers.

I went in to get burnt. I knew it was the only I would learn. First hand experience. The more potentials I went through the easier it would become. To point where it was easy. The emotional aspect worked a charm. I've overcome all the barriers I started with. I can now proudly wear the omega male badge. It takes a fine amount of tuning to balance the Alpha and Beta male traits. Early in the process I was afraid of going 100% with my instincts, I felt that I was too much for some girls. I intimidated them. Now, I just get it.

I spiced up my variety of prospects. They were all practising but each had very distinct traits. From the most beautiful girls I have laid my eyes on to the smartest of women. From the most religious ones to those with adorable characteristics. You all made me understand myself and every damn thing about me and around me. I get it all. I feel on top of the world. I always possessed healthy doses of self-esteem, image and confidence. Now I'm just upping my game.

It would be sad to call this the end. I'm still thinking about it. We'll see where the next few weeks take me. I will continue to finish off the stuff I started writing.

The most eligible bachelor. Scoring the one. Being the man I've always wanted to be. I got it. Tick, tick and tick. I've solved the conundrum.

You can do all these things too. It's a lifetime of perfection but learn how to get started early. Become a man of understanding. Stick to the Qur'an and Sunnah and you will never mess up. All your pursuances, do it halal. There will be so much barakah in your future. Keep it clean and you'll be full of gleam.

Peace.

Moments Of Regrets

2011-04-08T00:33:00.000+01:00

A survey was carried out here on regrets. Romance topped out as the most frequent one.

"Roese said many of those who took part in the survey were eager to do so, and some even became tearful as they spoke."

Then this part here, is ever so profound:

“Regret is something that can push people into better success in the future,” Roese said. “It’s a motivator. ... It’s a benefit if you take a lesson and move on quickly. It’s a problem if you keep [re-living] that same regret over and over again.”

My concious is clear, I have no major regrets.

For those of you who became people of understanding. Did you make any decisions you regret? Did you turn down any good suitors because your criteria of thinking at the time were not so good ideals? Your experiences and views?

Lets Get Intimate With IntimateMuslim

2011-04-06T22:30:00.002+01:00

IntimateMuslim.com asked me if I could share their site with you guys. After receiving a few mails from them. Absolutely!

Short, sweet and to the point. I like it. Reminders of simple things. Things that we know but over time they become the things lack and/or forget.

Their approach is on form too. I did once say "Hey... these guys are in with the times." It's refreshing.

Here's one I received recently. It really made me laugh and say "I like that, I'm gonna pimp these guys out!"

************

Fill Her Bucket

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Assalaam alaykum wa rahmetullahi wa barakatuhu,

Brothers, imagine a dream world where your wife wants to have sex! Well, we admit, it's not easy but that dream world is achievable. "How? HOW?!" you impatiently inquire. Well, imagine her body is a bucket. In the morning, start filling this bucket with love and affection, care and kind words. By night time, when the bucket's full, it will overflow with sexual desire!

Sisters, when you feel aroused (or not), don't hesitate to make a move. Don't worry, he won't think you're a *insert_bad_word_here*, rather he'll be overjoyed! When a man is wanted by his wife, he gets an unimaginable boost to his self-esteem and insha Allah he'll get really creative. One can only hope!

Jazak Allahu khayr.

************

Word. We certainly won't think you're a "*insert_bad_word_here*" (sniggers). I know I'd be dancing away like this:

IntimateMuslim. Don't be afraid to send out more raw stuff like above. I liked that. That's why I posted it here.

Even though it's for married people. Single people.. it's okay! Some of the materials and techniques shared are Islamic concepts that can be used on family and friends across various scenarios - Not just to be intimate.. check it out.

Seven Days

2011-04-05T20:22:00.012+01:00

It's been a long, busy week. Like all weeks these days. I've been feeling somewhat disorientated. I've had the marriage naggers on my case for years. Last week like all weeks kept me amused. Alhamdulillah :)

Lets break it down ~~Craig David's~~ - 7 Days style. Correction, Soulseek's - 7 Days, with some commentary of course.

Monday
Monday,

I woke up, went downstairs to get some breakfast
Granny from down the street started had started
"SS when are you gonna get married?
I wanna eat the biriyani at your wedding."

I'm certain you guys have biriyani almost every weekend! My wedding won't be any more special.

Tuesday
~~Took her for a drink on tuesday~~
Then I hit work on tuesday
Jackie said "Boy, you need to get married"

Jackie sits across my desk. She's a wife. A mother. A daughter and a sister. She's married to a Muslim. She's also french. She's 31 and she's super kind. Always trying to force feed me cakes. Even though she knows I'm a gym rat. Bless her.

"SS, I was 21 when I got married. I know as Muslims for you guys to be in a relationship you must be committed. Why are you wasting time? Come on."

Ouch. Way to go girl. That cut me deep.

Wednesday
~~We were making love by wednesday~~
Had to organise an event on wednesday
had tafsir class straight after
everyone was making shaadi jokes with laughter

Large events, warming. Know pretty much everyone. Boys gather up "please explain to us how someone like you is single? It just doesn't make sense." Cue the debate. Stood there like a victim. Smiling.

Had tafsir class straight after. Like every weekday eve. We're currently studying Surah An-Nur. (Amazing btw) Hitting all those things every single and married person should know. Adultery, fornicating, marriage, accusations, divorces etc

Mufti was going through a difficult ayah. As usual, I was on a question bombing frenzy. Just had to open my big mouth. One of the students shouted out "SS don't worry, Allah has someone special reserved for you." Another one "Mufti, SS is patient. Drop him some hadiths. Cause every young guy gets weak at some point." Mufti then looked at me. Smiled. He and some hadith students started citing some dal'il (evidence) from kitaab ul nikah.

Thursday
And on thursday
the same thing happened as wednesday

There was another event. Different group of boys. Poke and prod SoulSeek day.

Friday
Friday,
My brothers grilled me til
the sun tilt-down

Straight after work, brother needed help with the family business. Eldest brother popped in. All of the staff was having hell of a time talking about me and marriage options/potentials. Everyone agreed with my views but that didn't stop them going on about how, they too, want to eat on my wedding day. Must be an asian ting.Not must be. I know it is! Cheapskates lol.

Saturday
Saturday was a chill

Nice day. Hit the gym. Heavy and hard. Boys called up, "SS, trekking in 30 mins?" "Errrm, okay." Rushed home, showered, prayed. There was 13 of us. 13 ethnics in a group, doing any activity = guaranteed laughs.

You'd be naive to think we can last the day without it turning to girls. "Lads, remember, no talking about girls!" Heck, who cares. Ethnics break the rules within minutes.

"Guys SS is the man! Masha'Allah this dude knows so much, speak to him." No you've all got it wrong. I am single and I know nothing! :\

I got asked the same question and same comments made third time that week:
"You've got it all, what's the hold up?"
"Man you have to lower your standards, we know your top shelf but come on!"
"Lead by example brudda"
Blah blah blah.

The trek itself was awesome. We had such a laugh. My legs were not happy! Heavy legs session in the gym followed by serious miles. Then finished by work til stupid o' clock.

When we got to the top!

Dang. Doesn't Allah's creations just dazzle you?

Sunday
Through sunday

"Assalamu Alaikum amma!"

"Your Aunty called and she gave her salaams" said mum. "When she woke up for tahajjud she had a dream. You sent her glad tidings you were getting married."

I laughed. Awesome.

:)

Men Howling At Women

2011-03-28T00:32:00.005+01:00

Pet hate of mine. And I'm a guy.

I decided to make her a little more modest. So, I stuck an abaya over her legs.

"From whistling to catcalling, and even groping, street harassment is an everyday reality for many women around the world."

This isn't exclusive to just men. Some think women it's okay to do the same. Picture the scene: Caucasian girls drive by, roll down their windows and say they would to like to inappropriate things to me. A brown guy. I laughed. I couldn't keep a straight face. My daily musings keep me amused.

Full Article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12771938

When I was pursuing potential #6, she told me how bearded brothers would say masha'Allah to her face whilst walking past. Mentioning the name of Allah makes it totally halaal. Should I witness that, the grip around their beards would turn white. Shame.

Thoughts, experiences, funnies to share?

My thoughts:

"O Prophet! Enjoin your wives, your daughters, and the wives of true believers that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad). That is most convenient, that they may be distinguished and not be harassed. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [Qur’an 33:59]

And The Torture Begins

2011-03-23T23:19:00.010Z

"Summer, summer, summertime
time to sit back and unwind"
Fresh Prince - Will Smith

You just knew, summer had been made official when that was playing back in the days.

Over in the UK we've had some early doses of sunshine over the past few days. We say this every year. but I'm convinced the torture is getting worse year on year figures relate. Y'all know where I'm going with this. It seems the NHS has issued all patients with an ever so urgent 'WARNING: Strip down for your health' concern, early this year.

This weekend marks British Summer Time (BST). Also known as British Fitna Time (BFT)™.

I was walking through the train station. "This is torture" I thought. Busy, as you can imagine. I'm pretty good at the 'lower your gaze game'. This game seems to remind me of Pacman. You go through the maze of naked women, the women begin to multiply and chase you as you approach your goal - the exit.

I get outside of the train station, I think "Booyaksha! I've beat them all." Only to find a water fountain with even more naked women around it outside. "SS it's okay, go back to lowering your gaze" I think. It works; briefly. You see.. there are ads everywhere I look. "Dayumn" I think. "I'm going to look up to the wonderful skies. That should do the trick." Right? "Hey, hey, hey! Miss Scherzinger... Rihanna... where is your hijaab?" Billboards, me and you are going to have words some day. Mark my words!

I rush to find my safe zone, I hear high heals being bashed against the floor. I hate these things with a passion. Die! Yeah, I'd love for my wife to model them but they have no place in the open. Die again!

When the clickety clacks stop. I am safe. Alhamdu... Oh wait. I smell perfume. Why do you women do this?! Seriously? It's intoxicating. A proper buzz.

Then there are the magazines and ads. In my face. Wherever I go. J-LO's back with her big backside? Thanks for me filling in. Really. Sex this. Sex that. Sex on sex. Sexity sex. Sex!

Oh look. It's 'Men's health'. That 6-pack that he spent 12 weeks training for before the photoshoot. The same 6-pack that disappeared not long after he binged on pizza.

"Well then, don't look.. it's not like anyone is forcing you." Thanks captain/princess obvious. But it's stupid. Put a fasting person in all you can eat buffet. Surround an alchy (pronounced al-ki) with his favourite beverages.

Males are hard-wired. I'm hard-wired. Allah has put these feelings and desires in us. By Allah! If it was a whim and not a need, easy peasy. Some of guys have it worse than others. I'm at that end of the spectrum. Sad face. Why? I became strong. Really strong. Strong enough to complete nationally. That means I have silly testosterone levels. So brothers, when tell me you have it hard and I don't understand. Hahaha, haha and ha.

It's not so bad when you're in control your needs. And it's actually pretty awesome. Bachelor life and all that, it's fun. If only women weren't so provocative and it wasn't constantly in my face. Then it's all good in the hood. Then I'm reminded that Muhammed (saw) mentioned that one of the biggest trials for the men in his Ummah would be the female specimen. Makes sense.

It's that phase. A phase that is triggered by immodest women and their behaviour. It's like something takes over to commit haraam. A feeling that is uncontrollable. Then all that focus becomes women. You think of surviving this battle in a halaal manner then everything is your mind becomes about pursing a woman. It's a vicious circle.

When you eventually come back to earth and reach a better mental state. It's like "Hey everyone, I'm about to stand up!" only to realise you're the only person standing on your beloved planet right now.

Where are the good old days of faking you're ill, so you can stay home to play and watch cartoons? Wallahi, growing up. SUCKS.

Let me make this clear before the feminist brigade come, screaming up in arms. Blah blah. I understand the value of women. They account for more than half of the world's population. They are here for a purpose. A purpose I understand well. Their status in Islam makes them pretty darned special. I suppose I want a piece of special in my life.

Small Note For Sisters

2011-03-20T01:38:00.004Z

A smile is charity. A smile is sadaqah. A smile brings happiness. I'll be dropping a whole on entry on smiling because that's how awesome it is.

However, I'm convinced there's a club of sisters out there ruining my day. I know what you're up to. I'm catching on.

Intiative: Ruin SoulSeek's day. Every day.

Ladies. PLEASE. Don't smile at us single, lonely brothers. Kittens die each time you do.

Daily occurrences, that's what they are. I'm prodding along, minding my own business. Looking down like us single guys do. This one road in particular quite amazing. You can see the whole city. Whilst admiring the views I see something bright and purple. I look and she's looking my way with a gleaming smile.

I get the whole it's Sunnah to smile but come on. Have mercy. Can you girls just carry a "Single - Looking for marriage" sign if that is your intention? It would make life so much easier.

I'm convinced you're all having one heck of a laugh at my expense.

Thanks for listening.

Miss Touchy

2011-03-19T03:00:00.010Z

Miss Touchy. A friendly thing ain'tchu? You really are unable to keep your hands to yourself. You like to touch people. Really suggestive and open with your hands. More commonly found within women.

The Incident
I was out of town, we hit a shopping centre to do lunch and pray Salah. I wanted to pick up a few things. We ended up walking into Selfridges. The smellies department. I was approached by a really friendly lady.

She established the 3 important rules.

Open - She had an open positive attitude. This is when you've already made a decision in the kind of attitude you want to demonstrate. Your body language shows most of the right signs. She walked up to me from the other end. If you know selfridges, there's about 10 women just floating around, yet her initiative brought her forward.

Eye - She made eye contact. Keen contact.

Beam - This girl had a smile and a half. A good smile always drops my guard. Something... so natural.

She proceeded to make her move. A pro.

"Can I help you?" she asked. "I'm looking for something similar to Paco Rabannes' Ultraviolet, I'm almost out, recommendations?" She showed me around. It was an open floor planning. She ended up showing me some oud mix from Qatar. Some how the conversation turned and we ended up talking about Saudi women and Islam. She established rapport quickly, on the topic she asked me about my race. She then went on talking about hers. Grandfather was Brazilian and Arab. Mother Spanish and something I can't recall. Really beautiful girl, I had to stop making eye contact. The conversation had digressed for a while at this point.

"Anyhooo, going back to the smells..." I said. "Ah yes" she said giggling. "Could you stay longer? I've got so much to show you!" she exclaimed.

At this point she entered my personal space. Usually about 0.5-1m metre around me. She sprayed on my coat and then rolled her hand seeping the smell into my coat. I was somewhat slower than usual, I should have bailed. Then she pushed it. She grabbed my hand and locked her fingers in my hand. She give me that look and smiled. She turned my hand around and sprayed on my wrist. "This is definitely you! Are you from around here?" Then she proceeded to ask more questions. "Have you got a girlfriend?"

You know when you try to register but it doesn't ring a bell? That happened. One word kept hammering me "Haa.... haaar.... har-aam!" What was I to do? Quick, Soulseek. Think. Yalla yalla, jaldi jaldi. Should I knock her out? Should I call my wife? I can't really do the first two. So, should I - RUN?

"I'm sorry, I just realised I have to be somewhere!" Yeah that's right, I ran. Soulseek ran! "I'll see you again?" she smiled. I smiled and left.

My friend was creasing in laughter "wife time?" he asked. "Wife time indeed!" I'm working on one my friends, as he's moving away from jahlia. "SoulSeek, I've gotta give it to you. See, I know how to flirt and grab a girl by using - umm, ya know.. haraam means. But when you speak [..] dayumn, you just be yourself and you've got that demeanour that I want. This isn't the first time I've seen a girl just stand by, we all know about your fan club. Heck you don't even chat to girls. Masha'Allah though I guess, you don't use it to do putt (haram/bad things)."

This just reinforces another good reason why I need to be careful. I've always been told I have a way with talking and getting on with people. I've been exposed to the extremes and moderates of all walks of life. Situations like these remind me why it's important only to communicate with a purpose. I'm my worst own enemy. The truth is, I'm slowly melting. And it's painful.

Ah wifey, wifey, wifey. Where are you to protect me?

Types Of Muslim Guys

2011-03-15T23:03:00.005Z

You guys asked for one on guys and Jasmine listened. Thought some of you guys might like this.

She went a lot more into depth than mine, haha quality stuff Jasmine! Enjoy.

_______________________________________

1.) Mr "My S**t don't stink"

This is the one that thinks he's got it all down. He's so full of his own sense of self worth and arrogance, that you need to prove your worth to him, whilst all the while he is completely oblivious of his own psycho crazy thinking and actions. He is likely to request blood samples, virginity certificates, CV and references. He carries around a tick-list like an Ofsted inspector and approaches women in the same way as he approaches the purchase of a car. Don't do it ladies - it will be the most degrading experience of your life.

2.) Mr Haram Police

This is the one who knows his Hadith inside out. He's had some kind of lobotomy and has lost the use of any kind of independent thinking or reasoning - if it's not in the Hadith...it's not part of his world. At first you will be impressed by his level of "discipline" which will soon transpire to be nothing but brainwashing. You can look forward to being told that everything you do is Haram and sending you straight to hell, and all you have to look forward to is domestic violence and polygamy, not to mention the Van of dodgy fake clothes he will be selling on St corners, living in a council flat and avoiding all forms of tax to "avoid imitating the kuffar".

3.) Mr Perfect Image of a Muslim.

This is the one who thinks that all he has to do to be a good Muslim is avoid pork and alcohol and put his head on the floor 5 times a day. He doesn't investigate the meaning of the Arabic prayers he recites, and he thinks 'Musa' is a country in the out Hebrides. He'll innocently go along with any temptation that crosses his path, because whilst he got being a perfect Muslim on the outside down to a T, his lack of any real or genuine knowledge makes him vulnerable to corruption. You can look forward to a few months of idyllic spiritual love that will soon give way to an absolute half-wit of a man.

4.) Mr Muslim Male Dominance

This one thinks that women are things you put in your shoes to make them more comfortable...or even in front of the door to wipe your feet on. He wants a woman who is trained like a dog - and expects absolute loyalty and subservience. He will always feel dissatisfied by any female who dares to think herself worthy of being heard or cared for. Likely to go back home for a younger wife who has been raised in a cupboard and not developed the art of speaking yet.

5.) Mr Secret Buddhist / Atheist / whatever you like...

This one is a Muslim and calls himself a Muslim. A very spiritual type, this one likes to ponder on dreamy visions of a perfect future. He will pray and fast and do all of "the right things" and will constantly try and find equilibrium with Islam and "other religions" to fit in with his personal worldview. He will be soft and gentle and highly considerate - but you'll need a conclusion every now and then, and he will never be able to give you one. Likely to choose a lady who is of a completely different ethnicity to himself - most likely from a 3rd world country that has lakes a rivers.

6.) Mr Married

This is the guy who is always looking out for Mrs Married number 2,3 and 4. He will shamelessly pursue you and sweep you off your feet, claiming that he has never been in love like this before. But be careful ladies - you're not his one and only and you will never be.

7.) Mr Act

This guy maintains his perfect Islamic good boy image to friends and family, but behind the scenes he's got more girlfriends than you have, and you'll find pictures of them sipping Pina Coladas at various beach resort locations. Oh, and he's a dab hand with the old poker too.

8.) Mr She has to be a Virgin

This guy is an all round bad boy who didn't know what Islam was until it comes to marriage time when he seeks a perfect untouched Muslimah to be his wife. Dirty sod.

9.) Mr Mummy's Boy

Lives with his Mum who does everything for him, and will continue to do everything for him for the rest of his life. Finds the thought of leaving home and setting up nest with his new wife ludicrous and you will have to live with them and watch his Mum brush his hair after he has had a bath, and tuck him in every night for the rest of your life.

10.) The One

This guy is a Muslim from the heart, but he doesn't too far with it. He wants to be loved for who he is and will also love you for who you are also. He doesn't really know what he is looking for, because he recognises that he won't know until he finds it. Once he does find it, he accepts the good and the bad with a non-judgemental and accepting heart. You feel, when you meet him, that you want to be a better person and you drop your bad habits like a brick. He's the one.

_______________________________________

Cracks me up that I know plenty of each, lol!

All credit to Jasmine. Drop by her blog and feel free to drop a comment.

Source: Jasmines Yard

Types Of Muslim Girls

2011-03-11T22:29:00.002Z

1. The Wild One: She hits the clubs like it's her birthday. Bhangra gigs are her thing. Mum doesn't quite know what she's up to but she knows how to play 'I'm a good girl, I'll make roti' at home.

2. The In-Betweener: She doesn't wear hijaab but she dresses fairly modestly by our western standards. She's a good girl with good characteristics. Sometimes prays. Knows of the straight path but is afraid to commit. Insha'Allah she says.

3. The Sheesha Girl: Wears the trendiest of hijaab's with apple bottom jeans. Known to be loud, sociable and the more in and happening muslim girl. They lurve smoking sheehsa and chilling out. Typically associated with most Uni girls.

4. The One: She wears the proper hijaab. She can be down to earth, intelligent and on a level. Generally she's the right kind of mix in the midst of these categories.

5. The Self-Righteous One: This one floats. She's too pious, self-righteous and believes she's better than the other girls. She fails to look around and re-evaluate herself. Lighten up lil' lady.

Any kind of generalisation is a weak basis of reason and logic. However, these are the types of muslim girls I see out there. You can imagine the type I'm looking for.

If you feel you're 'the one' then please send your resume, photo, and a 300-word essay to iam@theonesoulseek.com. Applicants may also apply via phone. So if you like me, 079-me. I'm a fair guy. So, I'm all for equal opportunities...

...Joke ;)

Potential #7

2011-03-07T01:17:00.003Z

I wanted to bring you back to an entry. 'And Then There Was . . . Nine!'

At the end I said:

"So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected."

I never got to finish off that story.

It was in Medina mother had met her. After a long night of Taraweeh Salah I would go back to the hotel and catch up with mum and aunt. "She's got beautiful eyes. She's definitely the one." I heard mum say. "Your ammi has found you a wonderful girl" my aunt said.

I lie in bed, dazing.
Life. How much have I achieved in my years?
Ah, my tummy hurts again.
Sigh.
The AC is playing up again. I feel really, really worn out.
Oh yeah. I need to get something for Ahmed.
There goes mum again.
Them two make me laugh, getting in pot shots in dissing each other.

Mum has been talking about this girl everyday. Bless her. She really likes her.

There was a knock on the hotel door. Auntie went to the masjid, mum was doing wudu. I was planning on walking her to the masjid for Isha. I got up and answered the door.

It was a girl. "Can I help you?" I asked. She was looking down. Her left hand made a tiny fiddly gesture with her abaya draping over her hands... like you do when you speak. I heard some quiet mumbling. I made out "Mum. . . yours." I think this was the girl. "Hold on a minute." "Amma... there's a girl waiting for you?" "Ah yes, it's #7. She's taking me to the masjid". This was my cue to leave. I quickly slipped on my sandals, grabbed my miswak and left for Isha. I can't remember the last time I saw such a shy, natural beauty.

My mum grew an attachment to her. So did my auntie. "Khala jee! That's what she calls me! She's like my daughter." mum would always say.

On Eid they were leaving. Mum came back with a piece of paper. 2 contact numbers and an address. "I asked the girl if I could ask for her hand from her parents as she's here with her brothers. This girl has respect, something girls these days lack. I asked her if she liked you and she nodded. When I asked her if she wanted things to go further, she said she's happy if her parents are. She also doesn't do her eyebrows nor does she wear make up. She's the most beautiful girl I've seen. Her eyes, wow.. her eyes! You just don't see girls like this these days. So many beautiful qualities! Vah vah"

This girl meant a lot to my mum. I saw her a number of times with my mum. I'd even avoid walking on the same side of road to the masjid when I saw them together. I've never seen a girl with that level of haya. Deep.

We hit UK. Mum would ring her and talk to her. Here's the funny part. My mum doesn't speak english. Old school and traditional she is. The girl didn't command our language very well either. Yet they spoke for ages. Always made me laugh.

The first meet took place. I'm going to save the details. Lets just say a convenient Uncle dropped by to interrogate 7 shades of information out of me. He has fun toying with me. The gas fire did not help either, I must add. My brother nudged me when I'd get a flurry of interrogative questions thrown at me with that "Ouch" look. This wasn't no ordinary man. He was superman. 9 children from the same wife, all academics. Opened his own madrassa, his sister was the headmaster. He himself was a doctor.

We settled for food. Now how's this for a small world? The brothers of #7 walked in with their friend. That friend, I recognised him. Friend of a friend. Turns out he's married to #7's sister. Now the friend spilled a few beans. "This is Ahmed's arabic teacher." "Oh so you're an arabic teacher. Are there any other things you'd like to share with us?" I said. Everyone started laughing. He grilled me on the command of the arabic language posing scenarios and playing advocate in my future plans. Trying to corner me, spot some kind of flaw in my plans, in me. Turns out he's a sheikh too. Alhamdulillah though, he couldn't corner me. I had nothing to hide. I know how to talk and walk that talk with examples.

Here's what frustrated me. They didn't approach me with any talk of marriage. It was just like a 2 hour interview. Nor did my mum achieve much, things were sketchy. Mum said the grandmother were there and she talked of marriage but there was a miscommunication at some point.

#7 and her mother went to hajj at this point. I had a few concerns and things sounded very slow. We wouldn't hear from them in a while. That's when I had many prospects at that point. It was then I considered this last girl. My mum was quite unhappy but she understood. However, this prospect fell through as you all know.

Fast forward this week.

"I never got to see them after they came from hajj and I want to see #7 and I want to ask them directly this time." mum said. We arranged to meet today. I had to get a bunch of things. Settled for tulips, box of mithai and a of Belgian chocolates and a box of Belgian truffles.

I really like the father. He's such a nice and humble guy. His story is quite amazing. Reverted to Islam 25 years ago. His eyes, I see what my mum was talking about. I loved how simplistic and islamic these people were. Really heartwarming. Good in nature, good in character.

The mother and my mum joined us. My mum was very straight forward about it, she had a long winded speech, then she hit it... "your daughter is such a wonderful girl, masha'Allah. I want to ask if you're able to give her for my son?"

The father looked at his wife. "We haven't even thought about giving her hand in marriage. She's young. We've only just give our first away and she's #4! If she showed interest and more maturity we would have no issues. She's also studying. In a few years.. Allah knows best."

I just smiled. This dude was awesome. Just the way he talked and handled everything. I was cool with it, it really made me no different. I'm way past that.

But my my mother? "I really loved her." [she paused] "I thought it would work out, she's been on my mind since Umrah. You know I only want the best and most pious for you. "Aww mum, chilllll! Relax!" I brought her close to me "It's all well."

We then had food. #7 came home, we segregated. Had some good banter with the father. The son didn't really speak, he was a year younger than me. I decided to experiment on opening him up with a I've been reading on attitude and body languages. He answered conversations with 1 word responses. Hmmm, I had to try again. Within 2 minutes we were laughing. Within 5 minutes, I connected with him and we talked up until Magrib.

We were leaving. I caught a glimpse of #7 behind her mum. For some reason, this girl really intrigued me. For many reasons.

"I told you that you should have married your cousin. It's all your doing!" We laughed and laughed.

My mum. Bless her. And bless her a thousand times over. I love her.

The Beginning Revisited

2011-02-28T20:40:00.002Z

Assalamu Alaikum y'all,

This blog is officially hitting a revamp. I'm not talking about just the looks. It's changing for the better insha'Allah.The complete shebang.

The search is about to be redefined.

I started this blog in my late teens. Whilst I've stuck to the premise, I haven't quite got out what I wanted to. So, that changes here and now.

Here a few things that will change:

I will post more frequently. This means an increase in volume and content. More talks. More material, the good stuff that I've found on my ventures. This blog will now become more personal. I will talk about my experiences as they progress. I say this because I've wrote so much content that I never got round to posting and it's no longer applicable. A waste of time and effort. I'm doing this more for me. If I'm committed to thinking and writing about issues, the chances are that I can deal and resolve them sooner. In addition, by posting and referencing things... this means I get back into my routine of reading and sharing stuff that may benefit you.

The design and layout is so '09. The colours were somewhat depressing. I knocked up a new design that's more friendlier to the eyes. And yes that's me on top of mount Hira (good times!) :D. How does the page scale for you guys? I noticed because the image is in a fixed position it varies how it's displayed between some browsers/phone's. Any comments on the design?

Increase traffic. I've had a lot of opportunities to increase this blog's traffic but I've been reserved and lazy about it. That's going to change. As one of the very few male's in the west talking about this issue. It's quite a niche. I'd appreciate it if you guys could pimp out a shout ;)

Expect more raw topics. Lets talk about pornography. Lets talk about sex. Lets talk and deal with these issues that Muslims seem to ignore. Ladies, brace yourselves

All the prospects will now be referred to by a number system. It's starting to get confusing with the names, lets keep it simple.

A final disclaimer. Everything I post are my own opinions (like srsly :P). I'm not like the 'mainstream' Muslim. I don't fit in a particular muslim category, I suppose that's why a lot of people approve of me heh. I will question issues til I'm convinced and I understand. Fortunately Islam does have an answer for everything. And that's why I'm here as a Muslim. I post evidence and daleel where it's appropriate but please, I'm no scholar. Please ask fiqh related issues at your local masjid/source. I don't want the responsibility of misguiding anyone. Capiche?

The search, part 2 is about to begin.

Let the good stuff begin.

What Is It About Daughters?

2011-02-28T02:57:00.003Z

I'm going to sound like a mentalist but here goes.

Whenever I meet friends' families and the kids, they all just want to play with me. Uncle SoulSeek is the man when it comes to kids. I'm blessed to have a number of nephews and nieces. I love them all and I get on with all kinds of kids. From the little cocky ones to the mutes. Boys or girls. I just have this way of befriending them.

I want to talk about my niece. I can spend hours playing with the girl and our conversations are hilarious. She's going to be such a beautiful and smart girl. I always tell her I'm going to kidnap her, she always has this cheeky grin. I've promised myself that I will always be there when she grows up.

With the boys, the dynamics are completely different. They come on the weekend, the eldest thinks he's ghetto and strong, usually gets put in his place within a few minutes. Hilarity ensues. We then do some sports/play or have 'boy talks'. The use of language is totally different too.

Blah blah blah.

Basically, I really want a baby girl :( One that is mine for the keeping, one that I can protect and look after. One, that when a guy comes to ask for her hand in marriage; if he hasn't wrestled a lion, beat me at everything I know/can do.. he ain't taking her anywhere.

Weird right? Most guys would gun for boys first. I even have her name too, assuming her mother doesn't have the same name. I feel like such a big softy!

I just had to share this vid:

Masha'Allah, how cute is she?! Tabarkallah feek :)

Wedding Bells?

2011-02-25T23:59:00.001Z

Not quite yet.

We talked wedding dresses. Rings. Future. Living and arrangements with the in-laws. Children too. My quest for 10 children insha'Allah!

She was the only girl to make it to Soulseeks' place of residence. Met all my siblings, some of my nieces too. She even got to see my bedroom too. Hah. Crazed!

Here's the deal. Whilst a lot happened I don't have a great deal to say.

Things didn't work out. We were so close. We worked on things and before hand we managed to gain an understanding in each others styles of conflict and general behaviour. She made mistakes. I made some mistakes.

Our levels of maturity were very different. Being raised as an only child and her upbringing, lets just say I had a different picture of how I thought she would react in situations. After a while I come to the realisation it wasn't a big deal. Yes she was immature but at the same time it was beautiful that she was this woman waiting to blossom and grow. One that I'd be responsible for. All these issues and things were stuff we could work on. She frustrated the hell out of me. She was a bit weird too. But it was all gravy.

Her behaviour became quite worrying. Her family and friends cussed her for her attitude. Her best friend said to me she wanted to find me another prospect because she couldn't believe my suitor. Lol. In the end I just found us going around in circles. She wasn't ready for marriage. Despite throwing around a words.

She became that emotional thing again. She said she would regret this. Finding someone who is the complete package and the definition of what a 'man should be' with deen. She said her life was so difficult right now, she would want me to give her another chance and reconsider in the future if I was available.

Sorry, your chance is gone. And thank you for giving me just what I needed. Experience, perspective and understanding. I don't think I'll ever get to speak to another suitor as much as I talked to this one. It was a blessing that both of our parents allowed us meet and talk prior in a halaal setting to our hearts content (which were full days!)

I used to be a guy that had good characteristics but... they were imblanaced. Things are getting much better. When I'm thrown into the deepest end, I learn the most. I went through a difficult phase, confused and lacking understanding. But after E-V-E-RY-THING? I feel this contentment. My wife is going to be a very happy woman. Insha'Allah. I'm certain I will fulfil my part of the deed.

I did sit and think why women were such vicious creatures? After all this misfortune, I thought it was always the women that complicated matters. I put in a great deal of time, emotions and effort.

But after my decision. I smile. Because it's becoming quite easy. My time will come by appointment and by his grace and his grace alone.

I was with my friend last night, "Soulseek, in a non-gay way. You've got a really nice smile. Masha'Allah of course... don't want my hunk of a brother to get nazar now do we?" We've got this crazy sense of humour. "Praa wherever we go, all girls look at us and all the guys want to be like us. We're so lovable." I laughed and butted in "I'm gonna kick your ass, so shurrup. Oh and say Masha'Allah dude, say Masha'Allah!" "Whatever Mr Modest. Seriously though, after everything that's happened, your situation - how do you do smile like that? You do it around all of us we think you're life is so good but I've caught glimpses of sadness when you're alone. How are you so, well... in control and relaxed about things?"

I've learnt a great deal about myself. Just when you think you know, you really don't. I will never make the same mistake twice. Icing on the cake. That's what it was. I've learnt so much. Alhamdulillah, I'm so grounded and ready for marriage. It's crazy. Everything else in my life is in order. In addition to my previous qualities. I've become this assertive guy. That has tolerance but takes no crap. Confident, not in just speech but attitude. Given respect and surrounded by good people. That ability to sense and deal with situations responsibly and properly. Compassionate. In control of my emotions. More patient. Strong. I didn't think I would hit this stage for a few years. I've hit this stage in my life. What can I say?

I was supposed to be having my nikkah next weekish or thereabouts. Funny how things turn. It's weird how this situation hasn't bothered me in comparison to all my other ventures; even though I invested and progressed far more than the others. I am becoming that guy. Painful but worth it.

And, so it continues.

The search is on . .

In other news. I saw this sister just smiling at me. Pretty girl. Anyways, I continued walking looking elsewhere talking on the phone. Hmmm. I really know that face. I mean really. Oh sh- sugar. It's Husna.

A Big Up To Jasmine

2011-02-25T22:33:00.001Z

I'd like to give a shout out to Jasmine. Jasmine is an interesting character. A cool ombre. She's deep. Real talk is her style. Her way of thinking is refreshing. It's different. You know when you're in 'that state' and you can't quite get out your thoughts. Jasmine's the kind of person that gives you that kick start to get the cogs working again. In a positive light.

Thank you. For your time and effort. For helping me in gaining understanding and perspective.

I pray that Allah provides you with happiness and I wish you all the best in your journey. You should check out her blog.

The sickest cat down the saaarf ends! Peace! :)

Just A Smile

2011-02-23T01:39:00.005Z

There's something quite powerful about the past.

Aisha.

I was sat down in the masjid. It was strange. I saw her. She came walking towards me and she sat down. There was something different about her. Ah yes, she was wearing a hijab with a loose niqab. I smiled "Good girl. Good good girl. Rockin' the niqab I see? You look really grown up. How's it going? It's been.." I fumbled for a while. And I looked up "A long time."

That smile. No one rocks it like her. It's the smile that makes you smile. It's an Aisha smile. She sat across me. "I have, so much to tell you." "I wanted to tell you, everything is going to be alright. You only deserve the best. Trust me, It's all going to be well." She started blushing. "Insha'Allah, of course it will." I said.

I was thinking to myself. How strange? I last heard from her ages ago and left things as they were. I haven't thought about her at all. How bizarre. How... Oh look, people around me are smiling. I'm smiling too. I like this.

I turned to my side. My arm felt better. I proceeded to roll over onto my other pillow. I woke up.

Something peaceful about it. A sigh of reassurance. A sigh of relief.

Losing Motivation To Blog And. . . Pretty Much Everything Else

2011-02-08T02:24:00.004Z

I've been here almost every day trying to write since my last entry on the 24th. I've wrote a few thousand words in drafts but it's all over the place. It's not happening at all.

Since that feeling. I did all those things I talked of and it did me good. Thank you all for your support. And Jasmine was right. I was starting to show signs of stress.

However, I feel seriously weak. Physically, mentally and spiritually.

Physically - I've ruptured a bone in my body. I can no longer compete in lifting. Training was my biggest outlet. It's no longer happening. From being one of the strongest national lifters, I'm now almost useless. Can I get an Irony overload? Hah. I'm currently in physio and I was told it would take a few months to see some progress.

Mentally and spiritually - It's just gone. Complete lack of energy. Feel really lethargic. Salah was always there to take a break from discomfort. It was relaxing. Khushu has slowly started to distance itself. All the other activities feel like a chore. You know crap's hit the fan when it gets to this stage.

I've never been like this before. Disorientated. Unfulfilled. Crap. That's how I feel. It seems that life, that was once going into over drive with goodness and happiness is now on hitting empty.

I need to get writing. It's the best outlet at my disposal it seems. A note to myself: Big changes need to happen.

Motivation where are you? ARGH.

Slightly O/T but I had to drop a few thoughts on Egypt. Firstly, way to go Google and Twitter, props on bypassing the firewall. Secondly, Why is America and the west so, SO afraid? Thirdly, an epic set of pictures in Egypt.

A final note, Muslim's are starting to come to the realisation that change can actually happen. Change for Islam. Exciting times are ahead of us Insha'Allah.

p.s I want to thank you all for your comments. They've been keeping me ticking over, each and everyone. Hi5 to all my g's!

That Feeling

2011-01-24T03:53:00.000Z

That feeling when you feel like you're weak. After being so strong.
That feeling when everything is really good. It turns sour.
That feeling when you prepare for hardship. It comes. You laugh at it IN THE FACE. Then it comes with something minor and you lose.

I'm frustrated. I want to explain. I will. The next 3 nights will be on their way. I've been busy. I've travelled so much, I'm tired physically and exhausted mentally. I'll post when I get the time to.

I haven't rested over the weekend. My body is pain. Sore throat. I need to be up in 3 hours for fajr and work a contracted job all day for the whole week. My brain needs to be in tip top condition for my field. It isn't. Bleh.

Shaitaan is having a field day with my mind. I'm disappointed with myself. After all that I've been through. I should be so much stronger. In this self-reflection stage. I lost some beautiful qualities I had. I need to sort it. I need to sort me. ASAP.

Human. Feeble creature I am.

I will be occupied this week. This is good.
I will be training hard this week. Keep my mind off things.
I will meet more company this week. I need to loosen up. Can't let that smile go away.
I will turn my situation around. I'm confident. Or deal with it. A conclusion.
Tafsir classes every night this week. Understanding Allah. Ward off waswasa (whispers of Shaitaan).
I'm cleaning up my diet again. Enforce routine and habits.

Pain. I remember you. Go away. That is all.

Allah. I've never lost faith. EVER.

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Fourth Night Of The Decision

2011-01-22T01:55:00.000Z

I recently bought a new phone. Whenever I buy a phone, it's usually a top end phone. Something that will last me years. Good craftmanship. Good vendor. Good developer community for the software/apps, so on and so forth. It takes me a while to make an informed decision. I have to gather facts and information to ensure I'm making a good decison. The right decision. It took me 7 weeks to get the phone I wanted, with the best deal to suit my needs. That's me. And I have issues. Hi :-/

Some call it enlightened thinking. Some call it unable to make a decision. I call it being me.

I like to take risks in life. To get somewhere you must. More on risk analysis later.

Marriage is just one I refuse to take one with. It's a bloody scary prospect. I've seen sour marriages. Boy are they sour. I've seen it break good people, people that didn't deserve it. The emotional investment and the pain. That thing we all dislike so much. It could eat up years of your life getting divorced and maybe longer in getting married again. Worse so when children are involved. I can't say I've seen many good marriages. In our lives we turn to examples and role models. In my world many don't exist. We haven't been shown a good marriage. A wife that is abused and submissive. Yep, that's common unfortunately. Even here, in the west. I don't want to be a good example. I want to be the best of examples. I want to break stereotypes. I want to show that you can have a deep, meaningful relationship because this is what Islam teaches us. To be a husband. A father. A lover. An honest, faithful man. A leader. An example.

Breaking the trend for the first time in our generation, in our family. I am marrying outside of the cast. I am marrying my own choice. It took a long time but I got there with patience. With the blessings of my parents.

There's one teeny little dilemma. I feel like all eyes are me. As you know, marriages do fail. Arranged or love. It happens. If that happened to me. It wouldn't be a failed marriage because 'it was a failed marriage'. Rather, it would be a 'we told you so and that's what you get when you marry of your own choice.' All self inflicted. All because you had a right to choose half of your deen. Sure.

I feel pressured. All eyes are on me. Our community is thriving with Muslims. Great, right? NO. These women are bad news. Really bad news. They're vultures just waiting to feast and gossip on someone else's misfortune. It doesn't bother me one bit. But it bothers my family unfortunately. They do care what people will think. They care that even though people are talking crap and it's completely unjustified. They care that what people are doing is creating lies and slandering. They care that they're committing haraam in gossiping about us. They care, that these bad people.. their voices count. This is why, our own people are our worst enemies. Not because we've done anything wrong. But because their heart is black.

Night Four
I have a battle going on inside me. Something isn't quite clicking about her. I don't know what it is. Generally my gut feeling has always been right.

I can't make an informed decision like this. I need to identify what's going on. I don't want to make a mistake. I just don't. I'm not enjoying this stage at all. Sad face. :(

I wish I was simple. I am a simple person. Small things amuse me. I'm easily pleased. A smile is enough to make me smile. But what goes on up here. That's far from simple. Everyone around me seems to appreciate it. But me? Not so much. It works against me sometimes.

To say that the thought of marrying from back home hasn't entered my mind would be a lie.

Night four of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Confused. I don't understand what is really happening. It's funny. Asked me a week ago? I was a high flyin, chillin n' super confident guy.

Third Night Of The Decision

2011-01-20T20:41:00.008Z

Last week it was the first time I had been angry for a very long time. I'm always cool. But someone's irresponsible behaviour pressed my buttons for a few hours. It was late, I was tired and my tolerance was low. I was getting ready for bed. She wanted to speak about something. It was then we had our very first argument.

It was heated. It was late. We didn't understand each other. She said something she didn't mean. Stuff like this sets the precedent. so we talked about it the next day and we both came the conclusion that we both messed up. Kinda cute. Lol.

Note to self: Never talk important stuff at night.

After the argument she started questioning if she was even ready for marriage stemming on from a question I asked her. Then another silly conversation took place. She said a lot of silly things.

The next morning I found the following message..

"I've been making lots of dua and I will continue to do so. Soulseek, the magnitude of my reaction was only due to the fact that I have never come this close to something so good. I know we would be right for each other in my head. I know I would make you happy, this has only made me respect you more. Lets both reconsider and make dua with this in mind. I really feel lucky that you have this much patience with me. I'm not this melodramatic often but I can imagine how that made you cautious. The last thing I want to do is lose such an amazing opportunity because of how I was feeling temporarily."

When I was gaining a reference on her, I spoke to her best friend. She has to be one of the most straight down, ghetto sisters I've come across. She was gangster. I remember her opening line when I spoke to her "Brother, I'm going to be very straight up with you. Yes, she is my best friend but I have an Islamic obligation to answer any queries you have without much bias, if I'm able to do so. So shoot."

One thing her friend said to me that struck a chord. "Brother, I know it's none of my business and I don't know you but I just want to say continue doing whatever you are. I've seen mature traits in her that I've never seen in her before. In front of the girls when we talk about the guys she always used to talk. About you? We've heard nothing. I'm her best friend and she told me nothing. I think this is a testament to the kind of brother she's in talks with. Keep it up. I'd really like to meet you someday if it works out insha'Allah."

Night Three
I managed to speak to her. I told her about my reservations. She explained straight away why I had them. I don't think I gave this girl quite enough credit for her intelligence. She's a smart cookie. I've brought a couple of problems to her and I like her style. She uses a lot of references with my jokes. I can see her trying. Even with things she's not interested in. She listens. Then again, women do far out talk men, so I keep an open ear. You pick up a lot about a person by just listening. I've heard her laugh. I've heard her make (cheap) jokes. I've heard her rant. I've heard her offer solutions. I've heard talk about how she made that cheesecake.

I've learnt a lot.

I've been thinking about both possibilities of this working out and not working out. I remember she once said to me in a general conversation that "You don't appreciate what you have, until you lose it." She's right. I think I would miss her. She's quite special.

This is why after this period. Once I'm certain. She's may find out how special she is. If it works out.

Night three of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Positive. Yet undecided.

Second Night Of The Decision

2011-01-20T00:24:00.001Z

I've been thinking about this all day.

I don't know why but I feel weird. It's not a positive weird either. I think I need to speak to her.

Night two of Istikhara. Done.

Status: Confused.

First Night Of The Decision

2011-01-18T14:12:00.004Z

The first potential ever to make it to my house took place on Sunday afternoon. We've had a number of meets but it was the first one that SoulSeek's family got to invite and consider.

Everyone was around. Majority of my siblings, my sister in law, nieces. Lots of nice food was prepared. Bukhoor was lit and could be smelt everywhere. The house was very clean. Even my bedroom was picture perfect.

I know I have a lot of gaps to fill and I promise I will. I've wrote up posts but I'll drop them at a later date.

Brief Summary. Considered a sister I didn't want to. My mind was set on someone else. However, I was persuaded to check this girl out. I like a quick challenge. Thought I would give it a try, filter a quick application. Got to know her. She turns out to be much better than I imagined. I became a bit fishy, it felt too easy. No pain or discomfort like usual. Lots of chemistry. We have a few meets with my sister. I grow to really like the girl. Just looking at the girl I can see feels the same way. Things progress quickly and family's meet. Girl gets hit by reality "OMG, I'm going to be leaving my life. This is scary." She wants to rethink this very important decision. I have a few doubts of my own to deal with. I suggest we do istikharaa for 7 nights.

The format. I will be writing a post every day, for the next 7 days. I'm currently on a break from communicating with my potential spouse. We both want to spend this time with ourselves and Allah to make sure we're making the right decision.

Here's a log of me doing that.

Night One
I don't have to worry about me as a person. She adores me. Her family really likes me. I tick all her criterias plus more. They think have I have really good akhlaq, deen, personality, way of thinking, full of hobbies and interests and a good family. Educated with high aspirations. "Good looking and athletic". Respectful. Has a mind of his own. Full of leadership qualities. Their words. Her parents had given me permission to communicate.

On her part. She's reconsidering to see if she's actually ready for marriage. Nerves have hit her. It's cool. She's leaving her life to join mine. It's hard. Being an emotional creature too. This isn't about me. It's about her.

On my part. Hah, I'm SoulSeek and I can and analyse a situation all day long. But lets take things at face value. A few doubts popped up on my end.

She's attractive but I have reservations if I'm really attracted to her. I am but sometimes that changes. My mother and sisters liked her but they felt I could do so much better in that department (of looks) given what had now become 11 potential prospects. I turned the volume down to ask how I feel. After all, family would always say that.

She is *that kind of woman*. Her nafsiyya and inclination towards islam is pretty much similar to mine. That's that sorted. I want to strip a few things from her. Lets take away her deen and looks. I want to view her as a person with just a personality.

She has a good, kind heart. She's scared to say no in order to please people.Whilst she has a number of deadlines, she's been doing work for other people. I like and dislike this at the same time. She teaches children Qur'an and Arabic. She wants to give back to the community. I really like that. I believe we all have an obligation. For every chav or messed up muslim youth out there. There's a responsibility. What did we do to help that individual?

She's cute. A number of adorable qualities. She strikes me as a person that would do things to please me. When we went to their house, the night before I said I'd like a Strawberry Cheesecake. And that's what I got. Handmade. "With extra love."

She was raised as an only child. Had a few events unfold in her life. She needs attention. I've found her to be quite clingy.

Weird sense of humour. I get her humour which she finds rare but she's gonna have to keep up with mine. We do make each other laugh. Her jokes are so lame at times, I do find it funny.

Emotional. At my house, we were in my second living room. Her mother was present whilst mine went to make wudu for Salah. Whilst we were talking, I noticed her eyes watering up and tears starting to come down. "Heeey, what's up?" I said. "I don't know why I feel confused, just feel really weird." Gosh, what am I supposed to think? Her mother noticed this too and gave a "I'm going to have words with you" kind of look. She told me the night before because of her relationship with her mother, she's really scared of leaving her. Just an outburst of "this is very real."

Night one of Istikhara. Complete.

Status: Undecided.

That Kind Of Woman

2011-01-10T17:11:00.001Z

My image of the kind of woman I think I may end up sometimes changes quite radically. The kind of girl that fits the image.

Here's my most recent picture:

Waking up to her smile. The long days are worth it.

She can take a diss/joke and throw it back. She makes me laugh.

A girl that is competitive with the right kind of attitude. She wants to outpace me on the beach and beat me.

The kind, that when it's snowing, she would be up for going for a walk and have a snow fight. Even kick my ass.

The type that appreciates and acknowledges that I understand how much she's done for me. I want her to go and relax whilst I prepare dinner. Boy has she got an appetite. I like a girl that knows her food.

When the going gets tough, she knows that regardless of how different our views are, we'll succeed. Understands her position and responsibility as a woman and mine as a man. Respect.

Someone that can just sit and chill anywhere without complaining. You know, like your best mates. Companionship. Homie.

After a long day at work, she's the one thing you look forward to the most. My girl.

My wife.

And Then There Was. . . . NINE!

2010-11-19T20:38:00.006Z

I thought getting over Aisha wouldn't prove to be very difficult. I wrong. Very wrong. I had too many how and why questions come up but I really didn't know. One fact that I did know, is that it happened. I had to accept it, and deal with it. Oh, move on too.

We share a lot of mutual contacts/friends, so her name would always pop up somewhere. I just kept being reminded of her. It was starting to bug me. I tried detach myself of all emotions and feelings. I started to get somewhere.

Since June options had started to surface. I felt quite bitter about everything related to marriage. I just did. I didn't want to pursue anyone. I heard about a few girls interested but I just let it be.

I had told myself that I would now officially be 'riding this single crap out'. (T-shirt material! Hah)

In our lives we're sent with difficulties. At times I felt like I was my threshold kept being broke with something more severe. The whole marriage process just didn't compliment my reality.

So, I gave up on the whole idea of marriage. Lost the complete drive for it. Walking in the streets seeing girls smiling. Muslims and Non-Muslims. My response? Devoid of any feelings or emotions. It was here it hit me. I was lost. Really lost. 10 months ago I was this guy that was Confident. Intelligent. Laid back. Determined. Helpful. Humorous. Full of so much positive energy and hope. With a smile that would make most peoples' day. The majority of that had just sunk.

I've always been regular with my prayer, dawah and classes. They keep me in check, so I can never skimp on them. Whether or not we like it suffering is a part of life. Friends were there but there are times you just don't want to talk. This was one of them. I turned to that one deity I knew best. Allah. Nothing happened for a long time. Things were becoming progressively more difficult. I had to keep my cool, when you become worked up, it doesn't make a situation easier.

We verily created man and We know what his soul whispereth to him, and We are nearer to him than his jugular vein. [Surah Qhaf:V16]

I kept patient. And more patient. Now check this out.

The opportunity for Umrah arises. I take it without thinking about it. Time to reset myself and reflect on what had happened. 5 weeks. Perfect and beautiful.

I come back from Umrah. I see smiling faces. Hundreds of them. Friends and family so happy and proud of me. I looked after a number of old people including my two mothers (mum and aunty). They're all so thankful and full of duas.

I graduate too. The only guy to make it from our family. A big, big deal. Again, so many people proud and happy for me.

"You've accomplished a lot for your age. When are you taking the next big step. Marriage?" Almost everyone would ask a question along these lines. Ah, yes. I remember you. The one thing I used to be psyched up about. Well I wasn't feeling so hot about it. I'd always respond with something as short as "Insha'Allah".

One sister contacted me. 'There's this sister who's been on your case for months but I knew you didn't want to consider anyone but she wants a response.' This sister masha'Allah had a lot going for her. Masters degree in Arabic, meant to be nice etc. And I felt that I couldn't consider her. For a number of issues at that moment in time.

I was surprised to find that I had a number of proposals/potentials lined up. There was 9. That's right 9. A very mixed bag of sweets. From a niqaabi/alima to a non-hijaabi. There would have been more on my plate but I managed to convince my teachers that now wasn't the best time.

My sister caught wind of this and so did my friends. I got hell of a blasting all round.

And they all said something similar.

"Allah (swt) may provide you with something good. And that opportunity may never rise again."

I had no come back. Because it's true. They were also right. Who gets 9 in this day and age?

I found answers. In a good financial position. I know better than before what I want. I am becoming better than that guy 10 months ago. So what's stopping me?

Nothing.

Drum rolls please!

I had to start again. I know how I ended up in the position I was and that will not happen again. A surge full of energy. I was returning. Better and stronger than before. More mature. Responsible. All the things I used to be 10 months ago, plus more.

Turn your wounds into wisdom. [Oprah Winfrey]

So, I present to you potential #1. Mum arranged a meet. To say it was wasn't what I expected it to be, is an understatement.

Totally not what I expected.

Hmm. It Is What It Is.

2010-11-18T00:40:00.003Z

Aisha dropped me a message. Just out of the blue. After a long time. "Random, I know but I was just wondering how you were?"

Kept my response short and simple. She said the reason she dropped me a message, was whilst she was clearing her emails she comes across a few from me and she wanted to know how I was doing. And also to apologise.

"I often feel bad. Please forgive me." She said.

That's deep.

Of course I forgive you. Whatever happened, happened. I want you to be happy and I do care for you. I choose not to stay in touch for the greater good. No other reason.

"I hope Allah has replaced with someone better?"

I didn't respond. Allahu Allam.

'It is what it is . . . ' - A killer street saying if I ever heard one.

Eid Mubarak

2010-11-16T23:39:00.001Z

I just wanted to wish you all a very heart warming Eid Mubarak!

#34 - A Muslim pilgrim prays at the top of Noor Mountain, on the outskirts of Mecca, Saudi Arabia on Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010. (AP Photo/Hassan Ammar)

Whilst I'm here I would really like to thank everyone who have taken the time to comment and email me as of recent. It means a lot to me. Ah.. I love you all!

I'd like to share one of the greatest photography sets I've ever seen. The theme is Hajj 2010. As a keen photographer, I have to say WOW!

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/11/hajj_2010.html

A Glimpse Of What's To Come

2010-11-09T00:03:00.003Z

Dark, dull rainy days. I never liked them. Ever since I was a child. Mum would always force us to go school if we wanted to get somewhere in life.

I always thought to myself I would be like my friends whilst growing up. At 10 years old you tend to think success is based around having a fast car and being able to buy anything you want. I was going to be successful without selling drugs or doing 'bad things' to get there.

When I took that route at a young age, I found that I wasn't with the same friends. I lost nearly all of them. I was always the most popular boy at school. So it was always quite difficult to find that 'balance'.

At home it wasn't much different. My mum was the only other family member that prayed. We wasn't given that luxury of a great upbringing. Father would work several jobs to ensure we lived comfortably. And alhamdulillah - we did. However, we were just thrown into mosque and taught a very negative Islam. My friends would regularly miss mosque to go and drive stolen cars or meet up with girls.

I went through a lot of difficult phases in my (short) life. I grew up in the ghetto. Where the chances of survival by being good were virtually non-existent. The 'religious' folks were a bunch of hypocritical nutters. I used to ask myself why are Muslims are so unfair? At times I found non Muslims more accepting than some Muslims. Something was obviously wrong.

Since then I've been out to set the record straight. Present. I came back to asking myself a similar questions. This time more serious.

What am I doing with myself? What do I really want in life? How will I achieve it?

I don't want to be amongst these dysfunctional people. I've witnessed a lot in my very short years. I've met some very amazing Muslims. On the contrary, I've met many scary ones.

Islam came as a mercy to mankind. As a guidance. We're responsible and accountable for this responsibility.

So here is what I've doing. I moved back in life. Re-assessed everything. My family. My friends. My belief (deen). I feel I found my deen last time I took a step back but I can only reaffirm my beliefs. It's the reason why I've been off the blogging scene for a while too. I stopped spending a lot of time with friends too. In order to seek answers. I sought seclusion. And it worked.

I am setting out to seek happiness and understanding. Because the world belongs to the energetic. Energy and persistence conquer all things. The real difference between people is energy and understanding. A strong will, a settled purpose, an invincible determination, can accomplish almost anything; and in this lies the distinction between great people and little people. If you ever want something just . . don't give up. Fight for it.

A man must find happiness through understanding and possess a fine amount of self-esteem.

A woman is an integral part of this because for we (men), were once dependant upon a woman to raise us.

Somewhere along the line I fell down. I am standing back up. If anyone intends on becoming an obstacle. Good luck in that. NO ONE is bringing me down. I am out to seek answers.

Watch me do just that.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Brothers and Sisters.

SoulSeek is back with a mighty fine smile on his face. Oooo what's that? The dimples are back too!

;o)

Umrah - The Experience Of A Lifetime

2010-10-09T22:57:00.000+01:00

There are no words I can find to express my journey.

It was the most mesmerising 5 weeks of my life. It was also the most testing 5 weeks of my life. The tests, the hardships? None of that mattered. None of that mattered when I first saw the ka'aba. I used to sit for hours in the blistering heat just gazing at the ka'abah and pondering about the heavens and the earth. Thinking about my life. How it was spent and what needed to be done. The hereafter; what is yet to come. My circles of friends. My relationships with people. How I used to view the world and wider societal issues.

Then there were the 3 superstars of the Ummah there. Sheikh Sudais, Maher and last, definitely not least Salah Al-Budair. 3 of my favourite reciters. I will never forget the Salah's I stood with these men. They brought the Qur'an to life. They brought my teachings to life. From the very little arabic I understood and all my tafsir studies, it was nigh on impossible to stand in Salah without devotion, fear, obedience, happiness and tranquillity.

My baby feet 2 hours after landing in a neighbouring arab country:

I knew it was going to uphill struggle from here.

In the first week I must have walked over 60 miles, yes my feet were on their way out. Over the 5 week period, I must have walked over 200 miles.

I exceeded my expectations in ibaadah. I did much more umrah's and tawaaf's than I estimated.

I met some amazing people on my journey. Made some really good friends and I met a few notable characters from around the world.

I found clarity, peace and some answers I went looking for.

The number of people exceeded hajj according to pilgrams who had done hajj several times.

It's amazing. At Salah it's the only place in the world where millions of people stop talking. All you can hear are the birds above the ka'abah.

I miss it. I truly do. It's been 3 weeks since I've been back and I'm finding it difficult getting back into the swing of things.

I really wish I could share some experiences, I have enough to write tons on but I've noticed this blog is getting some serious hits from where I reside. If there's one thing I've learnt, word travels very quickly.
Anonymity is a real pain at times.

A New Chapter

2010-09-25T06:02:00.000+01:00

After the last ordeal, I'm in the process of trying to pick myself up and move on. It was a lot more difficult than I imagined. The long sleepless nights. Against your will. Reflecting. Thinking about the smallest and stupidest of things.

Sometimes one just becomes preoccupied in just 'living'. The opportunity of taking some true quality time out to think doesn't present itself. It didn't for me anyhow.

Umrah did a lot for me. It restored my faith in a lot of areas. It provided me with the time, space to think and reflect. Medina was the definition of tranquility. I can't describe my love for Makkah and Medina. It was an experience of a lifetime. I met some amazing people there.

I found answers.

The last 12 months of my life have been indescribable. I've learnt so much about myself. I've also had some of the best moments of my life. I've also faced some of the most difficult ones. It's safe to say that this period defined me as a person. The latter few months were an emotional rollercoaster. This part, I had difficulties in understanding and dealing with. I was never much of an emotional person. I did find it hard to deal with some feelings I hadn't experienced before. Ah well, It's all a part of the experience.

In Makkah and Medina this topic, this topic of girls and marriage found its way everywhere I went. From shop keepers to qur'an hafiz's. Even with people who didn't speak the same language! They would ask by using gestures to ask if I was married like pointing at the ring finger. How ironic. This topic always crept up.

Bringing all this back. My zeal for marriage has pretty much gone. I want to, and I see the importance of it. But I've hit that point in my life where it's time to take a back seat. I've had enough of it.

That energy and attitude I once used to have for this subject is no more.

If a good potential crops up I won't dismiss her but at this moment in time it seems the girls I'm attracting are those that are scared of commitment. I want to get on with things without this becoming the center of attention. This is how it should have always been. There should never be a time where you should exhaust your efforts. As there is generally never a 'right time'.

So here I am. A free soul. Somewhat emotionally distraught. Going with the flow. This is not me giving up. This is me taking a step back. Striving in becoming the man I'm destined to be. A good man. I've seen what it means to be good and I've put it into practice. I have no care or fear of the unseen nor the future of the unseen. I have genuine belief that Allah's roadmap is far better than mine.

Sometimes. Just sometimes. Maybe you don't have to try so hard.

Here. Now. A new chapter begins. Alone with nothing but faith. Nothing but faith. I will succeed Insha'allah. A strong and positive attitude goes a long way. I know, I've done it before.

Peace out,

Walaikum Salaam.

Apologies

2010-09-22T14:10:00.000+01:00

My last post was, well . . . rubbish.

I didn't get to proof read it and it's not how I wanted to put my message across.

We're all allowed a poor entry - right?

Why You Don't Want Emotional Baggage

2010-08-08T12:17:00.005+01:00

The Romeo inside of me has calmed down. I feel I can see things more clearly. I'd like to share a very valuable lesson that I learnt. Something I could have only learnt by experience.

Aisha.

I'm going to be totally honest. I haven't been feeling great.
I felt that I could make things better for you. I don't know why but I just did.
I felt quite stupid when things ended.
I said to myself, way to go man, you just wasted a lot of time.
So much time.
I then remembered. Life is just a journey.
You played a good part. The lead role in a spectacular finale.
That's all it was. A show.

You taught me patience. You taught me what it would mean to be caring.
You helped me realise what it means to be a man.
I will never. I repeat, never make the same mistakes again.
I was upset that things didn't work out.
But I was more upset that I didn't take a step back and listen to Allah.
Emotions. A dear lesson to learn; I've learnt mine.

Move on

Inexperienced and young. I'll take take you two and make you mine. Women has never been my field of expertise. On the contrary, from my experiences I honestly thought I was losing my mind when I realised how different women are to us.

I used to have so many problems identifying whether an action was something of her own doing or just how women were. The worst thing you can do is go to friends who are just as dysfunctional as yourself. So yeah, I used to hit up the brothers who had a lot of experience in their previous ghetto (pre-islamic) lives and I must say that I was pretty surprised. There's a big difference between these brothers and me. I had never been in a relationship nor had the experience in dealing women. I was very much like a child that no idea or direction. Just trying to figure out what the deal is in the simplest terms possible.

"No way", "Really", "Are all women like that?" and ermmmm bro "I don't think she can cook" - The list was endless. I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. It was . . . bizarre and funny. The women I've had in my life are Mum, Sisters, Sister In-Laws and Cousins. I had never experienced this. I had a lot of good times and bad times.

Looking back at Aisha, cool sister. Only way I can summarise her. But boy did this girl have issues.We all have some kind of emotional baggage, it's only normal. But some men/women have far too much. Some of the things Aisha told me, I felt so sorry for her. I had started to lower my expectations significantly. I became lenient in the expectations for her behaviour and what I wanted. I felt like I had to be there for her.

She was and is emotionally broken. I'm sorry, I really wish I could say this in a nice way but I cannot. Her attitude and outlook rung true. I could feel her weight bringing me down. My frowns were more apparent than my smiles. I wish I could face the people that made her life like this, deal with them and fix her but I couldn't.

Every single day I felt like I wasn't only helping her through hardship, I was fighting against her past. All her demons. She had a lot of demons. Fighting this war nearly took me hostage. Every time her world went down, I would be the one to help her pick it up. At times she would use that regression against me. I became fed up with the situation but here is my where weakness lied. I saw some kind of happiness and I thought I could help bring that out in her. However, these people need help from those who deal with issues like these and sometimes, even then, they can't be fixed. It is the sad truth.

My heart goes out to women like these, it really does. But sometimes it's too much.

I felt like a youth worker. Helping a seriously troubled girl. Jeeez, I didn't sign up for this. I only wanted to marry her.

I ask myself; If I felt like this now, how would it be like in a marriage? Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough. Doing it with all the bad/evil people from her past. It's not a fight anyone should face given the option. I want to be happy.

"Marry someone with low mileage, a functioning human being with healthy self-esteem. They need less maintenance." [Marty Carr]

Straight up. I don't need emotional baggage. I've come to the understanding now and this girly girl was not for me.

Have faith in Allah. Everything does happen for a reason.

So here I go again. Sigh. Hustlin' 'n bustlin' solo. Who am I kidding? I love it.

Oh What's This? Visa Confirmed For Umrah Baby!

2010-08-05T18:41:00.003+01:00

I don't think I can post a smile big enough. Okay maybe I can but it's going to make your screen scroll! :)

I can't wait

Approximately a month ago my mother asked me if I could do her a favour. "Of course, anything for you mum." I said. "I know you're really busy and so much is happening but it would be a dream if you could take me to the house of Allah for ramadhan, what do you think?" she said with uncertainty. I hesitated for a moment. "Mum, only if we go for the whole month?"

So here we are. Our Visas have been confirmed and we'll be spending the whole month of Ramadhan there. Insha'allah I'll be sitting Iti'kaaf in the prophets masjid for the last 10 days.

Words cannot describe how excited I am! I need this. So much. I've had a good year. A very interesting year. I've learnt a lot. I've come to a better understanding that it is my destiny to stand up for the truth and do good. My imaan is pumped for a recharge.

This will give me a lot of time to reflect. More importantly read and study the qur'an. I will make lots of notes so that it may help me with future posts and daw'ah insha'Allah. I will be making dua for you all, the ummah.

It's time to put those heavy gym sessions to the test. See how many rakats I can pray and how many tawaafs I can perform.

I am busy but I have an urge to drop something that's been on my mind. Insha'allah if I can finish up my work and priorities on time I'll be sure to drop it.

Aisha And The First Experience Revisited

2010-07-20T22:06:00.001+01:00

A year older. A year wiser. What have I learnt?

The chapter of Aisha has settled. I decided it was important to stick to my guns and close contact. It's difficult to say goodbye in these situations but sometimes we have to do it for the sake of our own benefit.

Ah, that empty feeling all over again. I see why so many young muslims give in. A horrible feeling. Alhamdulillah. I feel like going to this one spot; gazing at the city and the stars. It's perfect for reflection but the weather has been terrible over this past week.

Whilst I want to spend more time with the brothers, I haven't really had the time to do so. It's time to reflect, make preparations and promises to Allah just like I did last year. Ramadhan is upon us.

I was just reading and reminiscing on the entry that I had wrote last year. The premise of kicking off this blog. The first experience. I'd like to ask myself something. Just one simple question. What on earth was I thinking? Seriously. I'm going to sit here and start a verbal tirade with myself. I understand and see my justification but just reflecting back and looking at everything, at face value. Wow. I'm not afraid to say it. I was an idiot. Allahu Akbar. What did I see in her? She could bring me absolutely nothing.

The biggest mistake you can make is to be always right. Wise people sometimes change their mind, fools never do.

It just goes to show that no matter how intelligent and educated you are, there are some things that one can never account for. Experience.

A terrible decision on my part. Just comparing to say, the likes of Husna, the difference apart is day and night. Subhaan'allah. Moving back to my home city, I didn't quite realise how much better I could do. In every single department. The most important being deen. I have to just laugh at myself. Even my sister had a good laugh at my expense. "My brother, what were you thinking? Firstly, you idiot, you almost compromised the fundamentals of what you believed in. Secondly, ewww." I thought that was pretty harsh but fair. She continued "We all have to go through this stage to realise what we want". I can't disagree there big sis.

I really forgot my value. I forgot what I could achieve. I forgot how important this decision was.

However, my creator. My sustainer. My provider. Allah, had answered my dua's without me realising. A wonderful example of istikharaa working. When we do the dua, we ask Allah. We ask Allah for help and guidance. Surely he delivers.

We ask him:

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

So glad tidings to you all. A reminder, an important message to share. This goes out, first and foremost to myself. Don't despair. Don't be impatient. Don't forget your value. Allah is always listening. Remember your vision. Your vision for the dunya, your children and the life after. Understand that Allah never forsakes a believer. Learn from my experiences and my errors. Granted, sometimes you have to experience this for yourself but that doesn't stop you from preparing.

I pray that Allah helps us in becoming more patient and steadfast. For he too, wants the best for us; just like the women that give birth to us.

The one experience to change them all, Aisha - Part 2

2010-07-14T01:07:00.004+01:00

Part 1

Before this when things ended she asked me if I wanted to try again. I refused. Not once. Three times in a row.

When she dropped the line. My response was "Be right back, having a heart attack". I always found the right time to joke around. She said "Oh SoulSeek, chill out!". She always knew how to make me laugh.

Everything had changed. I couldn't explain it. She had put me through some difficult times but at that particular moment in time, none of that mattered. Did I just experience what a lot of married couples fail to do? Forgive and move on?

Muhammed (saw) asked his companions, “Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?” they said, “Of course O Prophet of Allah.” He responded, “Then forgive each other.”

I'm not the kind to fall into a rut over a persons mistakes. Even if they are great.

The one thing I've admired about Aisha was her honesty. She had never led me on. She had told me how things were from the very first day. Granted, she was in a difficult position but her honesty helped us both.The one thing to note is that she was confused. Very Confused. Sometimes she would frustrate me so much. She was very easily led on. I would hear her speak and know that it wasn't even her speaking. I could capitalise and use this to my advantage. I never did. I couldn't.

I would always give her a lot of space. I would go through situations and offer her advice. When things went wrong, I would help mend them. When she was in distress, I would help ease her pain. She would always be like "Gosh, you're so right." and "You're such a smarty pants." Me? Hah, good joke. I guess this was my weakness.

Every time I have asked her a question. I always received a response. No fancy words. No beating around the bush. Aisha just being Aisha. I liked that.

The Friend
We both shared this one mutual friend. Isa will be his name. You know that one person who you can sit with and talk about anything? That same person who realises something isn't right when everyone else fails to realise. That one person we would both be doomed without. That one person that could challenge my thinking and turn my rationalisation around so that I may see things for what they were. That one person that would spend hours talking to me in helping me through my difficulties. That same person saw so much in both of us and helped us. He had so much hope for us. More than both of us combined, and he helped me see it through. His deeds will never be forgotten. Loyalty and help when it was needed most. They don't come by often. I hope I can return the favour someday. The best thing? He doesn't even acknowledge helping anyone. I would thank him and he would say "for what?" Ah you cheeky bugger. He would leave my house at stupid hours in the morning and then rejoin me a couple of hours later whilst we drove to University and we would always talk on the way. He would speak to both of us and help us immensely . He would show us our errors, lack of experience and maturity so that we may see and understand the situation for what it was.

Allah sends help at critical moments. He was the plaster. He helped cover a lot of small and large wounds.
I had found a true friend. It's funny how these people just drop in at the right time. I just happened to catch him for a reference of Husna 8 months ago. I had known him prior to that but I had never really spent time with him.

I really will do what I can Aisha.

Things would go really well for a while. We worked best when we didn't talk about marriage. Then I would hear from her. Sorry. I meant I would hear her friends talking through her mouth.

Whenever we made progress we would find a way to go 2 step backwards. She would occasionally start to pick things apart. Pick up on a lot of small reasons of why things shouldn't happen. About how I wasn't her kind of guy. I was attractive but not her usual bad boy look. Okay, so we all have preferences, right? She would continue on how I was too much a nice guy, you know, that fine line of questioning my manliness. I would always receive comments and compliments on my physique, physically ability to compete and fight. I wasn't a slouch in the looks department but it felt like I was being questioned, questioned that men like this shouldn't exist in today's society. I think I lost myself. She would always find really stupid ways of hindering progress. I always kept my cool and found a way round things, it's what I do best. However blame is a two way game. At times I wouldn't provide her the benefit of doubt and I would question my decision making abilities from time to time.

Soon, she started to cross one too many lines. She said some things which started ringing different tones of alarm bells in my head. For a short while I thought she was intentionally trying to frustrate me. Aisha had gave me permission to speak to my sister of her past, after putting a few pieces together I began to realise she wasn't very stable. Mentally. I knew her situation was volatile but after putting things into perspective there were a lot of factors that made things quite scary. She would always tell me there was a lot wrong with her but I brushed them aside as an insecurity. My sister works in the field of psychology and has helped muslim women through a lot of ordeals. She gave me her thoughts on Aisha and Aisha agreed to her analysis. Aisha broke down in tears and told me how messed up she really felt. At this point I became fairly distraught. I had feelings for her but deep down I wasn't sure I could provide for someone. Someone so . . . so broken. Sigh. I felt like this for a very long time. This made things a lot more difficult. I would try be optimistic whilst trying to be a realist.

I have always understood that my path would not be easy. My whole upbringing. Everyone has a story to tell. Mine is no different. It's a tale in its own right. Alhamdulillah. I still felt there was something there and we could work through it. A lot of events pursued. The worst part is leaving detail out but with this kind of blog sometimes that has to happen. Besides, these key events could make take this novel territory, it really is that long.

She annoyed me quite a lot. It was my examination period and she really added to the stress. She would go through this phase of not wanting to talk about things and then try to pick it up again. It was agitation and frustration on both of our part. She once asked me if I knew what she saw at end of the tunnel with her? I told her that now wasn't the best of times as I had an exam the very next day. Her pessimism and portal for negativity went hand in hand. I really felt like I had enough by this point. It was like deja vu time and time again. I've always been optimistic regardless of the hurdles. Imaan is a foundation for belief. Foundations are never made over night. We must make an exerted effort in making a foundation of steel. Why? Steel doesn't crumble when tested. So where does imaan fit into this? Our attitude reflects our imaan. It's our imaan that carries us through our daily lives. Both trials and tribulations.

A week later she asked me if she could continue what she wanted to say. "Please do" I said.

"At end of the tunnel. I see Jannah with you."

Woah, Woah, Woah?! Huh? I can understand seeing goodness, light and all the usual stuff but . . . . Jannah? That's a bold statement. She said she saw far too much good in me and I could only bring out good in her. I felt flattered and I didn't really know what to say.

Sometime later she felt like she couldn't open up and talk to me any more. As she felt like I didn't understand her. She then realised how difficult she had made things for me. How impossibly difficult it became. But hey, that word difficult, that doesn't fit in my vocabulary.

The tears had started again. She asked me to walk away. I asked her to provide me a valid reason to walk away. She said "It is better for you". "Let me be the judge of that" I said. The conversation continued. She said "I really, really care for you SoulSeek, just leave it, please" she continued "You will eventually understand." It was that night when we talked. Talked like we talked before I proposed the idea of marriage to her. Before things became weird. It was bizarre. I enjoyed this conversation. It was 'normal'. No pressure, no frustration. For the first time in 5 months it felt very different. However, it was then when she asked me to make a decision. A decision on whether or not I should walk. She wanted me to make a decision. It became a difficult decision for me. I don't do things half heartedly. All or nothing. I was very unsure. I felt like I was compromising far too much and the situation was far too volatile but similarly I saw honesty and sincerity. I held onto these two things very tightly. The bad outweighed the good. Hey, isn't this that what Shaitaan helps us do best?

A week or so had passed. I was indecisive I hadn't made a decision.

She said she was never ready to get married. She couldn't, for many reasons. The only reason she considered me was because of my character. She said I knew what I wanted and how far I was willing to go for it. Her? Clueless. She felt she had to deal with herself. And she was right, there was a lot of truth in that.

We talked again. She flipped. I saw disrespect. I contained myself. A crazy amount I must say. I did however end things. Just like that? Just like that. After 6 months, with a very indecisive feeling, I managed to do something I hesitated to do for ages within seconds. She apologised for acting the way she did but she was frustrated, no more than I was. She used professions as a measure of comparison. She said I was like a doctor that a lot of people wanted in on and she was just a cleaner. With constant analogies as such, I almost started to believe the hype.

This time things were over for real. She asked me how I felt and I didn't share. It would provide no benefit to either of us. I asked if she was okay, she said "if I wasn't, would it change anything?" I asked myself the same question. For days on end.

There was a meeting for a large da'wah project, I caught a glimpse of her and it the first time I saw her in a while. I pretended like I didn't see her, I just carried on.

I saw her walking, looking at the floor and she walked past. No eye contact or anything. Did she even know I was present? I saw Isa. He asked me if I had a moment to spare. I obliged. He asked me if I was okay. "Why wouldn't I be" I said? "SoulSeek you can't front on me, I know you far too well bro" he said. Waiting on me to spill something. I just kept quiet. He said he spoke to Aisha. A relief as always. I felt really concerned about her. "How is she?" I asked He said "Gutted. She's a strong girl, she'll be okay." I had nothing to say, looking at the floor. Cracked concrete ground was all I could see. He said "Aisha wanted to give this to you, here". It was a book. A copy of The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. She had bought it prior to the incident and she wanted to give it to me before she left for home. I remember mentioning to her that I wanted to read this book in early March. 3 months ago.

I felt sad. Really sad.

I started to read the book. I completed it within a couple of days. On one day I managed to do a 7 hour stint. For me, that's something. That book hit me hard. About my upbringing. My life. Her.

It was then I started self-reflection. It was then I started to write up part 1 of this entry. It was then when it hit me. After all this time. After all that stress. After all the hardship. Everything became so simple. So, so simple.

She contacted me asking for advice. I felt I was the wrong person but I could keep my feelings aside to offer her genuine advice. One of the issues was her dad wanted her to get married from the motherland. I told her to consider it and remember her criteria for marriage. She didn't want to and her dad stopped talking to her. Soon after her Grandmother passed away. Another series of family problems had pursued. Her family situation was far from ideal. In fact, it was one of the worst scenario's that I had personally come across. Bless her. She managed to keep her self together for so long.

It was now our turn to return a small favour for Isa. He was having problems with he girl he wanted to marry, she would advise the girl and I would help him. If things were not going to work out for him we would argue over who would get the opportunity to hook him up with a new potential. Alhamdulillah he's now back on track in pursuing his suitor.

Time progressed. A week before I went on the break with GeetarHiro I had to be honest with her. I still had some feelings for her. As things became so clear I knew what I had to do. She was shocked. The Kite Runner was like icing on the cake; affirming my thoughts and feelings.

I felt with my new found attitude and thoughts, I would not make the mistakes that I had made before and that I could lay things out so she would know how serious I was and we both knew why things ended. I made an unnatural decision that I felt forced to make based on emotions. That's not me.

She brought up her situation and relationship with her father. And asked if I was in her position, would I even think about marriage? I put a scenario across - that if her father had agreed to me being a suitor what would she say? She said she would definitely consider it more. However, she was not confident it would make a difference to her dad.

The Teacher
I started Arabic classes. Fairly intense, 5 times a week to compliment my tafsir classes. I would like to tell you a little about my teacher. He is the most chilled out and humblest of people anyone would ever have the opportunity to meet. Check this out. He has a Ph.D in marriage. That's right! His field, is the fiqh of marriage. We call him Dr Lurve. He is officially awesome. After our class we always chat about marriage and he is overly concerned about the single youths within our society. He teaches me and Isa.

A few days after I told Aisha I had feelings, Dr Love was chatting to us. He said to me "Br. SoulSeek, I'm going to find you a wife Insha'Allah. If you're willing to come Jordan with me, I will find you a pious wife." He was always serious but he had this quality where he was also funny whilst being serious, it was just his character. Someone who would deceive you at face value. He would ask me where my preference lied in terms of location I replied "UK". He said "Ah, I know this one sister, she would be very good for you. She's from x city. She's a good sister. She's live in this village called . . . ah I can't remember the name". "Village b?" I said. "That's the one." he said. Hold on, this sounded all too familiar.

Isa at this point couldn't contain his laughter. He always said to me that me and Aisha would eventually cross paths again. This was it. Dr Love was talking about Aisha. I tried really hard not to smile. I had to turn sideways and let a smile out.

Dr Love knew something was going on at this point. He asked me if I knew her. I said "Yes, I was interested in her." He smiled. "She has a lot of family problems you know, she's going through a lot." he exclaimed. I nodded. He continued "I know a lot of imams and have friends in the city, we could get them to speak to her dad." I think my smile got a little brighter. "I would appreciate that Sheikh, Jazakallah Khairan" I said. "Wa iyyak, don't forget to do your homework" he said.

We got outside and Isa literally dropped on the floor laughing "Dr Love is on the case!" he exclaimed. "You're such an idiot" I said, trying to hide my smile.

"Oi you clown! I just spoke to the Dr!" Aisha said. I was in stitches. The Dr of Love had delivered! What a guy. "Oh really?" I continued "What did he say?"

"He said he really misses me and he wants me to move back and get involved with more da'wah work in x city. Oh and he wants me to get married to you."

We had a more level head conversation this time. She said after having time to think she didn't want to get married at this moment in time. She enjoyed her single life and wasn't ready for commitment. She also felt she wasn't ready for marriage. We continued talking and I tried to explain how marriage is a process and how one can never wake up feeling like they're 'ready for marriage'. She asked "Can't you chill to see happens?" Ah, I think she has no idea the fitna she is exposing me to. Hah! She said "All this" paused "doesn't change how I feel about marriage. I really want it but similarly I don't"

She has a point. I can't change how she feels. It's only her who can ultimately make a decision. I'm not going to force a situation or decision.We had a much more relaxed conversation, her sister-in law even spoke to me. It was pretty funny. Her sister in-law and cousins would tease her.

At this point me and GeetarHiro left for our break.

Upon returning last week we haven't really talked at all. I spoke to one of her very scarce, decent friends. This sister is such a genuine and sincere sister. She's known of me quite long but I had no idea she knew until as of recent. She's one of Aisha's best friends and she told me her take on it.

Firstly, she praised me on how patient I had been with Aisha, she said did not know of anyone who would hang around for someone like Aisha so patiently. She said I was one of the most humble, sincerest, thoughtful people that she had come across and that no one had a bad word to say of me. She said she cared about Aisha so much but she had to be honest. She said she knew I was good for her and lucky she was. As to why she had second thoughts - It baffled her. She said "Aisha is extremely confused as you know and very easily influenced."

She said "I spoke to Aisha yesterday and it seems like she's moved on. She feels like she can't handle the stress of marriage at this moment in time. Brother SoulSeek, I think you're a serious catch and Aisha knows it but I think it's time to maybe move on after some closure."

I'm at bit of loss here. We never really talked? When we last did we said we would continue on a positive note. I'm uncertain. Her family situation is starting to improve and I'm genuinely very happy for her. I don't want to come in between that and I think she's glad to be away from the serious marriage talk.I feel she needs to do this and sort herself out.

Where does that leave me? If things have truly ended. I have no qualms with moving on properly with clear intentions. But cutting contact? I ask myself what benefit would it provide staying in touch? I never keep in touch for a number of reason but this one is different. Very different. It's someone I've benefited and learnt a lot from, someone that could provide a reference and someone that I've come to know and gain contacts from.

GeetarHiro provided me with another option. He said "Why don't you tell her that if and when she feels that's in a position to marry, to drop you a line to see if you're single. That way, you're not closing the book but you're not hanging onto it either. Keep your options open."

When I told her I had feelings, I told her I had wrote a personal account to help me see things clearly. She was intrigued. She asked me if she could read it. I said I would think about it. I now question if there is any benefit in considering to do so.

I must seek some kind of closure. Do I just move on or consider GeetarHiro's approach?

I apologise it took so long to put this together. I had a very late night and spent the whole morning getting this together. As you can imagine, I've been keeping myself very busy, so I don't get caught up in getting distraught. Having to write about it has been an on-going challenge. I procrastinated to see how things would turn out. I had to oblige once I spoke to her friend. I thank each and every one of you for your support.

I pray that Allah make it easier for my fellow followers.

SoulSeek & Geetar Hiro are going on a break!

2010-06-28T12:05:00.003+01:00

Assalamu Alaikum y'all,

I know how you've all been waiting for Part 2 of the Aisha story but in all honesty I just haven't been able to get round to writing it up. It's ironic how I was looking forward to the holidays and I haven't been able to do the things I've wanted to do!

A group of us are setting off on a wild camping road trip somewhere outside of the UK. I haven't seen my sweet brother in a while. I'll be setting off soon for a very long drive to his house and then from there we leave at fajr tonight :D

It's definitely going to be one for the books!

I feel frustrated. I want to ride out this whole being single thing. Young muslim women in the west are no longer serious. Okay, who am I kidding? Whilst it sounds cliché there is some truth in that. I really need some time off. It's the first time out of the country since I last went umrah, when I was a young kipper 6, almost 7 years ago. Wow. The phone will be on flight mode (oh, how I've dreamt of doing that for extended periods to block all forms of communication!) throughout the whole trip but whilst everyone is asleep I'll be able to start writing a few notes on my iPhone ;)

You will all be in our dua's insha'allah. When I return, I'll be working on part 2 and I'll try to post it for Sunday. I won't make the mistake of rushing it again.

'til then habibis.